


When You're Lost

by MsHydeStylinson



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Actor Louis, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Baker Harry, Blow Jobs, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Smut, Famous Louis, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Hand Jobs, Happy Ending, M/M, Mentions of Cancer, Mentions of Death, Mildly Dubious Consent, Minor Character Death, Mutual Pining, New York City, Non-Famous Harry, POV Harry, POV Louis, Rimming, Slow Burn, Strangers to Friends, The x-factor (only in prologue)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-28
Updated: 2020-03-28
Packaged: 2021-03-01 01:16:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 114,588
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23343091
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MsHydeStylinson/pseuds/MsHydeStylinson
Summary: He had just got his drink, sipping it carefully when he felt someone bump into his back.“Shit,” Harry said before turning to see who caused the incident.When he finally saw the culprit, he nearly dropped his entire glass. In the distance, Harry could hear Niall calling for him, but everything around him was blurring and all he could do was stare into the blue eyes before him. The eyes that had been so familiar to his younger self. The eyes he had never expected to see again. Suddenly, Harry felt sixteen again.***Louis Tomlinson found fame on the X-Factor which opened the gates to Hollywood, where he made five hit movies in five years. Then scandals and personal tragedies made him disappear from the public eye.Louis had been Harry’s biggest idol since he was fourteen years old. At sixteen, fate would have it that Harry came face to face with his idol - only to embarrass himself on national TV in front of millions.Years later, Harry is settled in New York and just starting his career, and Louis is trying to resurrect his own career back to life on the stages of Broadway.When fate steps in and they cross paths again, will it be the beginning of something great?
Relationships: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson, Niall Horan/Original Female Character(s), Zayn Malik/Liam Payne
Comments: 28
Kudos: 177





	1. Prologue (Chapter One)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this fic two years ago as my first ever fic. I ended up deleting the original version and posting this newly edited version of it in its place. I feel a bit sad for leaving behind all the kudos given and every lovely comment you have left; they are gone but not forgotten. Thank you so much to everyone for those! 
> 
> The story itself stays the same and I haven’t touched the text, but my wonderful beta Jennie [Canadianlarrie](http://canadianlarrie.tumblr.com) has taken care of the flaws the previous version had. Thank you so much once again, You're the best. 
> 
> I love this story and the topic of it is quite personal to me; it's one of the main reasons I started to write this in the first place. This story includes sensitive/triggering topics, so please, read the tags carefully. It felt a bit weird to read this again after two years and even though there are parts I probably now would have written differently, I’m still very proud of my first-born fic. Hope you all enjoy reading it! 
> 
> Disclaimer: This is not real, never happened, complete fiction, etc. Please do not take any of this seriously, as it is all fake. Please do not translate or repost on any other site.  
> I don’t know much about Broadway musicals, X-factor or how any other productions work. But I am a baker so I know something about that. New York City is my favourite city in the world and my experiences about it are based on my visits there.  
> There’s a link to the songs that inspired me for that particular chapter in the beginning of each chapter.  
> Title taken from "Home" by One Direction  
> Moodboard at the beginning of chapter 1. Credit for the manips of the two pictures: Yourssincerelelylarry (low left corner) and bellustyles (low right corner).

[ ](https://ibb.co/dKKyvXc)

[ Viva la Vida - Coldplay ](https://youtu.be/dvgZkm1xWPE)

Prologue

Harry 2010

Harry was fourteen the first time he heard about Louis Tomlinson, England’s sweetheart, and teen movie sensation. Or rather, he saw a picture of him in one of the magazines his sister had laying around the house. The mag found its way to Harry’s bedroom where he had the absolute privacy to continue staring at the most beautiful boy he had ever seen. It almost felt like those topaz blue eyes, behind that caramel coloured fringe, were staring straight back into Harry’s emerald ones. It was moments like these in his childhood bedroom, where he first started to suspect he might not be as straight. Straight people don’t spend a lot of time thinking about or questioning just how straight they are. That was his first clue.

He has been on dates with girls and he had shared his first kiss under the lone tree behind the school with one of them. But Louis Tomlinson was the first ‘tangible’ person who made him think about how good it would feel to kiss a boy. To slip his hands through that soft looking hair, press his lips onto his and feel the warmth of his body pushed against his own. 

When Gemma had wondered where her magazine had disappeared, Harry kept silent. Maybe it could be found inside his bedside drawer. Maybe it had become a regular participant in his wanking sessions. Maybe it was the reason Harry bought lube for the first time from Boots while visiting Manchester. Maybe… but no one needed to know that.

For many people, a sexual awakening might be cause for a serious crisis. But when Gemma eventually found her wrinkled and sticky magazine under Harry’s bed while snooping around as any annoying big sister would do, and had questioned Harry about the stained pages of Louis Tomlinson, it left him no other choice but to confess to her that he wasn’t straight, and was in fact, very confused. He didn’t feel like he should label his sexuality. He might like girls, but he definitely likes boys too. Two weeks later, he confessed the same thing to his mum, only this time feeling relief. Anne had just hugged him, told him how proud she was, and asked him to never let anyone judge him and make him feel bad about his sexuality or identity.

Being a teenager and not straight in a little village like Holmes Chapel could have been a nightmare, but for Harry, it was a relatively easy time - as easy as teenage years are for anyone. But yeah, it could have been much worse. Maybe it was Harry’s charming personality and mop of curly hair with bright and friendly green eyes that had eased his journey. Maybe it was his inner strength and confidence, always remembering his mum’s words of wisdom. Or maybe he was just lucky. He never really thought about it too much during those years. He was living in his own bubble in idyllic Holmes Chapel, worlds away from the real world that could be very cruel to boys like him.

Life had always treated Harry well. Even when his parents divorced when he was seven, it hadn’t turned ugly. Of course, it wasn’t the most pleasant time of his life and he had missed his dad like crazy but based on stories his friends had told him about their experiences, everything had gone fairly easily. Harry and Gemma had moved to Holmes Chapel with their mom while their father had stayed in Manchester, so it was close enough to see him regularly and spend weekends with him. For Gemma, it was much harder. She had always been daddy's little girl and he had been someone she could always rely on. Then suddenly, he had gone and Gemma had felt totally lost and abandoned. She had refused to see him for almost two years.

When Harry thinks back, he realises it must have been a really tough time for their mother, living alone with one rebelling pre-teen and a little boy who needed his mum’s attention more than ever. All whilst recovering from the divorce from the man she had been with since she was seventeen. Eventually, Gemma settled and was able to rebuild her relationship with their father again. Of course, it wasn’t the same as it had been before, but it was stable. 

When Harry was eleven and Gemma fourteen, Anne had met Robin. He was a good man, Harry could feel it and was delighted to see their mum happy again - a good year later, Robin had become a permanent resident of their 3-bedroom house. Years went by and sometimes Harry felt guilty when Robin had started to feel more like a father than their real dad. Even Gemma loved him unconditionally. That speaks volumes. 

So there had been bumps along the road, but overall, it had been a smooth ride. Harry had never been keen on school and sitting in classes, he was more of an active guy. He liked any kind of sport; gym class, running, football even if he was too clumsy to play well most of the time. Harry loved music and had sung in a band called White Eskimo with his friends for over three years now. Harry had a nice voice and the other boys were good at playing their own instruments - it was actually one of his bandmates that persuaded him to audition for the X-Factor saying it could bring more exposure to the band.

Weeks later, Harry somehow found himself in Manchester with his family queueing for the audition, surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of other hopeful singers. It was the beginning of July and the weather wasn’t extremely hot outside the venue, nevertheless, Harry felt sweat starting to trickle down his back. A camera crew floated through the crowd before finally stopping in front of him and asking him to introduce himself to the viewers at home. Somehow to his surprise, he was able to sound confident and charming (well, according to Anne).

“You sounded like an idiot,” Gemma whispered to him with a grin on her face.

“Hey…! I did not!” Harry exclaimed, feeling just a bit insulted by his sister’s words. 

“Yes, you did. But I’m still proud of you, H,” she carried on nudging him lightly on the shoulder.

Harry let out a breath of relief and seemed to relax a bit. Gemma smiled at him widely and Harry couldn’t hold back his own. Perhaps Gemma knew what she was doing after all. At least Harry was smiling again instead of biting his nails - you could call it a small victory.

It was hours before the queue moved enough to where they finally entered the venue. Soon, Harry was directed towards a dark corridor and led through a single door at the end, while his family was asked to wait in the main holding area.

_This is it_ , Harry thought. The first, and possibly last step, on his X-Factor journey. His hands were sweating and his heart was pounding wildly against his chest as he entered the room where the pre-panel judges were waiting for him to sing. His audition was over before he knew it. He returned to his family, clutching the yellow paper that held all the information for his next audition, his mum hugged him and held on tight.

“I told you so.” She whispered into Harry’s hair. “Now, let’s celebrate!”

“But mum, it’s only the first one. I have to get past two more before I even get to meet the real judges. It’s way too early.” Harry tried to hold back his mother who seemed way too enthusiastic than she should be. Harry was planning to keep his feet on the ground and not get carried away in the excitement.

“Of course, it’s not too early. Every step is one closer to the goal. Please, just enjoy this moment, Harry. Let’s go!” Harry had sighed loudly. He just knew there was no use trying to resist her now. She had made her decision and it was easier to just give up. Before he had a chance to tell his mum that they could have their party or whatever it was, he heard a very loud yell from behind.

“Harryy!” Harry turned around only to see bleach blonde hurricane running towards them at hurricane speed.

“Oh, hi Niall!” He managed to say before he was slapped on the shoulders by the Irish lad he had met waiting in line a few hours earlier.

“What’s up? Did you get through?” Niall shouted in his ear, causing them to ring. Fucking hell this guy was loud. Harry nodded and showed him the crinkled paper in his hand.

“Me too! We really have to celebrate this! Don’t we? I and my family are going to have dinner. Would you guys like to join us?” Niall beckoned to Anne and the others. Niall didn’t seem to keep a low profile with his success in the first round. Totally the opposite in fact. Later, Harry had learned that Niall would never let an opportunity to celebrate slip out of his hands. And neither did his family. They didn’t accept “no” for an answer. Not now and not then.

And that’s how the Horan’s arrived into the life of the Twist-Styles family, like the bunch of firecrackers that they were. Their family had moved to Manchester from Ireland a few years ago when Niall's dad got a new job there. His parents were still living there, but Niall’s older brother had moved back to Ireland to study. Niall himself was two years older than Harry and music meant the world to him. He had played guitar since the age of four and was currently studying music at Manchester Met. He had decided to become the new Shawn Mendes, and even though their friendship has only spanned a couple of hours so far, Harry had no doubts that Niall would achieve that. Why wouldn’t he?

Niall was like no one Harry had ever met before. He was a social butterfly who could befriend a tree in less than five minutes. He was extremely loud, bubbly, and simply the nicest guy Harry had ever met. Obviously, this was only the first impression, but forthcoming years were to prove he had been right from the beginning. Niall Horan had been absolutely the best thing that had ever happened to Harry during his X-Factor auditions.

Their second audition was set for only four days later. There had been many long phone calls from X-Factor representatives, grilling them about their personal lives, families, even their celebrity crushes. What even was that? Harry and Niall practiced together as much as possible before the audition. Simultaneously getting to know each other better each day.

On Tuesday morning they went back to the venue together. This time it was less crowded, but the atmosphere was much more intense. Everybody there had passed the first test and had enough talent to chase their dreams. Like last time, there was a lot of waiting. But at least Harry had Niall and Niall had his guitar. People circled Niall like they would a bonfire. He played whilst others sang along - all waiting for their names to be called. It had been a boisterous day, everybody trying to hide their nerves behind their exaggerated behavior. Everybody but Niall. He seemed to remain as cool as cucumber. Harry had no idea how he did it. Maybe it was something only Niall possessed.

Now, only two people remained in the waiting room. Harry was shitting himself but was able to relax when he started to sing. Apparently, everything went well, because he got two ’yes’s and a 3rd audition set in a few hours. After Niall’s turn (two yeses of course), they decided to get some food from a nearby supermarket.

When they arrived back after a short lunch break, the cameras had arrived. Suddenly, the atmosphere had thickened. Everyone realised that if you wanted to get through, a flawless audition wasn’t enough anymore, you also had to win over the cameras. There were a couple of smaller cameras in the corridors and a big one waiting for them in the audition room. It was really hard to try to avoid the presence of the cameras and give a smooth performance. Harry wiped his clammy hands against his trousers, took a deep breath, and began to sing. He immersed himself into the song and everything else around him disappeared. Afterward, he couldn’t remember anything about his performance, but apparently it went well. He was sent home with an invitation to go to London in two weeks. Harry had to pinch himself. And the best part was, he didn’t have to do it alone, Niall made it through also. They were going to fucking London!

Because Niall was determined to win the competition and be the next big star, he had the entire fortnight planned and now the plan seemed to include Harry too. It was scheduled during the school holidays and Harry had to practice vocals anyway, so it had been great to be able to combine it with his new friend. They trained for every possible scenario and put on their own shows for their friends. They also put on live gigs over the internet to ease the nerves about singing live to thousands of strangers, they even asked Gemma and her friends to be judges - that had been the most nerve-wracking. After two weeks, they were ready as ever. Harry had been nervous, but he was ready to face anything they were going to throw at him. He had thought it all through, every possibility.

Except one.

The final audition before boot camp was a much bigger event. There were camera crews everywhere and they were interviewing contenders and their support groups. Harry was told he was going to be the second one on the stage. He felt his nerves spike-like he was going to have a heart attack any second now. _You can do this. You have already done three auditions. You can do one more. That’s what I have practiced for,_ Harry said encouragingly to himself.

There were fifteen minutes remaining until Harry’s performance and he had to run to the nearest loo. He was standing at the urinals when he heard the door open and someone walked in, taking up the spot next to himself. Harry looked up to the mirror in front of him and gasped.

It was _Louis-fucking-Tomlinson_ standing next to him and opening his fly.

Harry couldn’t believe his eyes. He blinked and blinked, but Louis Tomlinson was still there. Maybe he wasn’t hallucinating after all.

He turned to his left in a trance, his full body moving with him and - _Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit_ \- he saw a few drops of his wee landing on the shiny shoe belonging to Louis Tomlinson.

“Oops!” Was all Harry managed to blurt out, horror in his eyes.

“Hi! D’ya mind, mate?” a raspy voice replied. Harry thought he must be in heaven because that’s how angels sound. And look.

He was wearing a white button-up with black slacks. And, _God_ , suspenders. His fringe was soft and his skin golden. Harry wanted to lick it.

Yes, he had definitely died and gone to heaven.

That was until he understood he was very much alive and actually orbiting around the fifth circle of hell.

“Oh fuck! I’m so sorry! Let me clean that for you! I…” Harry’s voice quieted down. His face turned scarlet red when he realised he was still holding his dick in his hand.

_Fuckfuckfuck._

“Oh…” He turned around, forced his dick back to his pants, and tried to collect his dignity.

The tiny shred he had left.

Harry grabbed a paper towel aiming to wipe the spots of urine from Louis Tomlinson’s shoes. Only after Harry had dropped on his knees, he figured out Louis Tomlinson was still having a wee. Dick in his hand _._

_Jesus Christ_.

Harry had imagined this cock in front of his face more than once, but he never would have believed that in reality, it would be his worst nightmare. 

_Could he die, like right now? It would be less painful than this, surely. And for fucks sake, do something, you idiot!_

Harry stood up, washed his hands, and bolted out of the loo faster than ever before, hoping he would never EVER have to see Louis Tomlinson again in his lifetime.

_What the fuck was he doing here in the first place?_

Harry stopped briefly before meeting his family and trying to calm down. He wasn’t very successful, but the good thing was, he wasn’t nervous about his performance anymore. He couldn’t think about the downsides now. He didn’t want to think of them ever.

“You’re next, Harry!” One of the assistants shouted. “We need you on stage in two minutes.”

Everyone hugged him and told him to ‘break a leg.’ Harry climbed the stairs to the stage, his heart bouncing wildly around his ribcage. He walked to the marked spot on the floor, cleared his throat, and looked up. 

Only to meet Louis Tomlinson’s piercing blue eyes staring back at him, a smirk on his face.

_Is he the fucking guest judge here? He can’t be._ Harry felt his face start to turn red and every thought in his head disappeared. 

“What…?” Harry heard a question behind the rush of blood to his head but didn’t understand a word.

“I asked who you are,” Simon Cowell repeated sounding annoyed.

“Uuh… Sorry… Yes. I’m Harry— Styles… and… umm… I’m sixteen,” Harry stumbled.

_What the hell he had planned to say?_

“Oh, and I work in a bakery!” He shouted to the end. Why those words, he hadn't a clue.

“Ok, Harry,” Simon said next. “Nice to meet you. What are you going to sing for us today?”

“What am I going to sing…?” Harry repeated trying to peel his eyes off Louis Tomlinson.

“You are here to sing, aren’t you Harry?” Simon rolled his eyes.

“Ooh, yes. Sing! Of course. I'm going to sing ‘Isn’t He Lovely’ by Stevie Wonder.”

Silence.

“Do you mean ‘Isn’t _She_ Lovely’ It’s the name of the song, I think?” Louis Tomlinson asked, fighting a smirk.

“YES!! I mean yes. That’s it. Thank you. Isn’t he…” _Fuck!!!_ “Isn’t SHE lovely. By Stevie Wonder.” Harry knew he was babbling but couldn’t help himself.

“Thank you, Harry. You can start now,” Simon said with a skeptical expression on his face.

_Now just take a deep breath and sing. It’s going to be fine._

But from the first moment he opened his mouth to sing, he knew this would only be the second most embarrassing moment in his life. Number one having happened only fifteen minutes earlier.

_He really was on fire today, wasn’t he!_

The judges put him out of misery thirty seconds later. No one was surprised when he got four blunt ’No’s’.

When Harry’s audition aired two months later, it was introduced with a short video where he said with bright eyes and a dopey smile on his face: “My first crush was Louis Tomlinson”.

He forced himself to watch the whole show. And because it couldn’t get any worse than this, he decided to be the one who’s going to drive the last nail into his own coffin.

He took out the Twitter App and started to write:

**Harry Styles @Harry_Styles**

That went well. Was able to humiliate me in front of my biggest celebrity crush @Louis_Tomlinson on National TV #xfactoruk #lifegoals

Twenty minutes later Harry’s phone buzzed and the lock screen displayed two new notifications.

Twitter

 **Louis Tomlinson @Louis_Tomlinson** retweeted your tweet

Twitter

 **Louis Tomlinson** followed you

Harry stared at his phone in disbelief. What the fuck just happened?!?

  
  
  



	2. Chapter 2

[Duran Duran - Ordinary World](https://youtu.be/TreNe5D8OXE)

Louis

February, 2017

Louis climbed up from the dimly lit subway station back into daylight, the sudden brightness making him blink a few times before squinting. He protected his eyes with his hand as he took a quick look above him at the skyscrapers and saw a scattered sky and dark clouds rising from the horizon, predicting rain would fall within a few hours.

Louis sighed and took a sip from the paper cup he held in his hand, wincing at the taste. He had forgotten to buy milk so couldn’t make his morning cuppa at home, instead of having to buy this awful substitute he had bought from a sketchy kiosk in the subway station before boarding the train. In fact, he reckoned it could have been easily replaced with dishwater and no one would even notice.

Louis dropped his almost full cup into the nearest rubbish bin, headache already hammering behind his forehead. He really needed his tea in the morning to provide the daily dose of caffeine he needed to get started.

Times Square was filled with honking yellow cabs, dozens of colourful billboards, and masses of tourists with cameras wandering around like a bunch of brainless lemmings, one was leading and the other one’s just following suit. Louis really had a love-hate relationship with Times Square. It was such an iconic place in New York, in the whole world to be fair, giving a reason to love it.

But yeah, mostly Louis just hated it.

He grimaced and pulled his hood further over trying to cover his face. Usually, he was able to walk around New York incognito. New Yorkers were used to celebrities and couldn’t care less. Tourists on the other hand were an exception. They were curious and had way too much time on their hands to mind their own business. Not that he was even recognized anymore. His once so bright stardom had dimmed and been overshadowed by the new rising stars soaring to the top of the movie business.

That was merely one reason Louis hated Times Square - too many tourists, and cameras.

The other one had nothing to do with the real New York. Of course, it is a must-see place for first-timers, but once they’ve seen it, they should run away from the overpriced and artificial part of Manhattan.

Basically, if Louis had the chance he would avoid it like the plague. But today he couldn't. Liam had called him yesterday and insisted they needed to have a meeting this morning. Well, Louis’ morning at least, it was almost eleven. But Liam had sounded perkier than usual, causing Louis to grit his teeth whilst listening to him. He hated many things but cheerful morning-people were at the top of his shit list. Hands down.

Louis dug around in his pocket, finding the packet he was looking for. He plucked a cigarette from it, placing it between his lips before lighting and taking a long pleasurable drag from it. He let the smoke burn his lungs before he blew it out, getting a disapproving glance from people passing by. Fuck it, he thought. He didn’t get his tea but at least he would have his cigarette.

He finished his cig, dumped the butt in an ashtray, and entered the huge office building standing amidst the chaos of Times Square. It’s huge glass facade lighting the few shops on the ground floor. Louis felt someone staring at him a bit longer than he’d like and hurried to the lifts.

Liam’s office was located on the twenty-fifth floor, along with many others. Once the lift had taken him up, Louis walked to the door on the far right and stopped behind the sign reading “LJP Management Ltd” before knocking.

“It’s open, come in Louis.” He heard Liam saying from inside as he opened the door.

The room was quite small but tastefully decorated. A grey floor was met with white walls and big windows, making the room appear more spacious than it actually was. A black bookcase sat next to the wall on the left and in front of it was a huge, immaculately organised black office desk tempting Louis to mess it up a little, just to get a reaction out of Liam. There was a narrow table on the other wall, with a couple of high back chairs stood before Liam’s desk, and one giant unidentifiable plant in the corner of the room.

Liam himself was sitting behind his desk but stood up when Louis entered his office.

“Hey, you’re here! Good to see you, Louis!” Liam said, hugging him tightly. He still sounded way too perky and it sounded alarm bells off in Louis’ head.

“Good to see you too, Liam. It’s been a while,” Louis replied, trying to read the expressions on Liam’s face. He was giving nothing up. He looked just like a puppy. An extremely stylish one, but a puppy all the same.

“Yeah, I’m sorry. I've just spent a couple of weeks in England. I was visiting my parents for a few days and my cousin got married so I had to go to the wedding also. I should have called you more often, I’m sorry Louis. I didn’t think at all. I didn’t even tell you about my trip. I’m—”

“Liam, calm down. It’s fine! Don’t worry. If I had to reach you I have this thing called a phone,” Louis waved his phone around and held it up to his ear, demonstrating how it worked. “I’m totally capable of using it, you know.” Louis stopped his explanation.

Liam muttered something that sounded like ‘Yeah, right….’

He coughed once before adding aloud. “Of course. But still, it was unprofessional of me. It won’t happen again. I promise,” Liam continued, worry reflecting in his now sad, brown eyes.

“Seriously Liam, relax. And even if my manager didn’t tell me he was going to England, I still had my sources,” Louis said, winking at Liam and watching him blush. With a smirk still on his face, Louis turned to take a better look at the console table.

“Tea! Thank God for your trip to the homeland. You have Yorkshire tea here! And you have milk, too.” Louis put the kettle on and waited for the water to boil. “Everything is now forgiven - if there was even something to forgive in the first place. At the moment, you are my favourite person in the world. Thank you, thank you, thank you.” He said, bowing down to Liam in some form of grand, stately gesture.

“You and your tea.” Liam laughed. “But you’re welcome.”

The water boiled and the kettle clicked off. Louis made them the one and only way they were supposed to be made -- a dash of milk, no sugar thank you -- and handed the other mug to Liam.

“You sounded quite eager yesterday. What’s up, Liam?” Louis asked, walking past Liam’s pristine desk, over to the window. He took a sip of his tea letting out a satisfied sound while waiting for Liam to answer.

“While I was in London I met with James Corden. Have you heard he’s going to do a new show on Broadway?” Louis hadn’t and what did it have to do with him anyway he thought, letting Liam carry on. “They are starting auditions in a few weeks. James was asking me about your work situation and if you had made any prior engagements. Apparently, there is a role in this musical he’d like you to audition for.”

Louis was still at the window, holding his tea and staring at the traffic crawling down the street like a string of toy cars. He heard Liam continue speaking but his voice had faded into the background. This wasn’t something he had expected from this meeting.

Not even close.

But if he had given this whole meeting a proper thought he might have realised that, of course, it would be work-related. If this had been a friend-meeting-friend type of appointment they’d have met somewhere else. Louis still didn’t realise how he didn’t see this coming. Well, the whole Broadway thing was out of the blue anyway, he wouldn’t ever have guessed that.

Liam was his manager after all and they were meeting in his office. Louis’ visits to this office could be counted on one hand since Liam moved his headquarters from Los Angeles to New York last summer. There hadn’t really been work-related stuff going on lately. It had been almost two years since they had the last discussion regarding it. Not real ones anyway. Some mentions every now and then, but nothing too serious. Until now.

“Louis, are you listening at all?” Liam’s voice echoed through the room.

Louis startled a bit and turned around. Liam was looking at him with a gaze mixed with frustration and worry.

“Sure,” Louis said but even he knew he didn’t sound very convincing. He just couldn’t concentrate properly right now.

“I know this came out of nowhere and we haven't been talking much about your come-back to working life. But maybe now could be the time to put this topic back on the table?” Liam asked. Louis just shrugged his shoulders and Liam took it as a sign to continue.

“Broadway isn’t something we have ever thought about. But maybe this is something we should really consider. It could be a fresh start in many ways.” Liam explained taking a pause and giving Louis a chance to talk instead. He kept quiet. He didn’t even know what to say anyway.

Liam sighed before speaking again “Look, I know you have always wanted to be on the big screen. But I also happen to know you are not keen on going back to LA. Am I right?”

Louis nodded again and let his finger circle the brim of his cup.

“So, the fact is that movies you’ve been in before have always been filmed in Los Angeles and most of the movies usually require staying there at least partially. If you don’t want to go back there, then we have a dilemma here. James’ proposition could give us some answers.”

Louis just kept staring at him quietly. He was able to see Liam’s frustration growing with every second the silence continued but he still didn’t say anything. Eventually, Louis walked to the black chair near the unsullied desk and sat down. The legs of the chair scraped along the floor breaking the silence in the room. Louis sipped his tea one more time before placing the cup on the desk and turned to look at Liam.

“Ok, talk. I’m listening,” Louis finally said.

Liam’s face eased as he continued.

“He knows you're talented. James, I mean. You can sing and dance, you can act and you have the charisma needed for a high caliber stage presence. I really think you have a real chance at getting the role. James thinks it too. He wouldn’t’ve proposed it otherwise. It’s a leading role, kind of. There will be four main characters - all equal parts. No one’s role is bigger than the other. It’s all written here.” Liam picked up a file sitting on the desk and tapped it.

“This is the script, including the songs with notes and I’m hoping you will give it a look. Take your time and really think about it. There is still enough time before auditions start for you to become well acquainted with the play. Would you please consider doing that, Louis?” Liam asked, handing him the file.

Louis took it from Liam and gave it a quick look before stowing it in his backpack.

“Yeah. Whatever,” He answered cumbersomely. He knew he was behaving like a dickhead and he hated to see Liam’s face break down slightly in disappointment. But he just needed time to think about this and if Liam really had thought he would accept this without a fuss, he didn’t know Louis at all.

“Louis. Look. I’m just trying to help you. As your manager, I’m saying this is really something you should give a chance. It could be the right move for your career. Like I said, a fresh start. If you get the part, it will catch the media’s interest for sure. It probably would bring back some old stuff too. I know it’s going to be hard after being away for such a long time but still, it’s part of your job whether you like it or not.”

Ok, maybe Liam knew him after all.

“But I’m also your friend and I’m worried about you. You have had a really rough couple of years and I know why you wanted to take your time coming back in the spotlight. But it also doesn’t help you if you just sit home alone with your thoughts. You need something to do, something you really like and I believe this could be it. If you would just give this a bloody chance!” Liam almost yelled the last words, taking Louis by surprise because he really wasn’t the type of person who lost control very easily. Or ever, to be honest.

“Fine. I’ll give it a look and think about it. But no promises.” Louis finally said. This seemed to mean a lot to Liam so maybe Louis should at least consider it.

“That’s really all I’m asking, Louis. Thank you. Now come on, I’m going to take you to lunch. My treat,’ Liam smiled happily.

Louis wasn’t hungry but Liam didn’t take ’no’ for an answer. He led them to a restaurant a few blocks away from the tourist traps of Times Square. The place was filled with office workers on their lunch breaks, but they were able to get a small table in the centre of the room. Not the most comfortable place to sit, but bearable, plus the restaurant looked cozy.

Louis felt out of place wearing just jeans with a hoodie and Vans, hair messy, and stubble a bit too long. Liam blended in perfectly with his navy coloured suit and brown hair stylishly cut. Not that the restaurant had a dress code anyway, it was just inside his head.

A waiter came to bring their menus pouring them some water, the sound of ice cubes clinking in the jug filling the air.

“I think I will go with chicken salad,” Liam said browsing the menu. “They are really good here. The sandwiches are also really good.”

“Might go with a turkey club sandwich then,” Louis said without bothering to think too much about his choice.

The waiter came back to take their order. Despite the numerous people around, the service was fast and their food was soon brought to the table.

Liam kept chit-chatting about his trip to England while they were eating. Or trying to eat. Louis forced himself to eat at least some of his food even though he wasn’t feeling hungry. He just kept running chips over the ketchup on his plate and nibbling at his sandwich. Liam didn’t seem to pay attention to how quiet Louis was. Or maybe he did and knew Louis didn’t need any pushing right now. Either way, Louis was grateful.

Liam paid their bill and the waiter brought Louis’ half-eaten lunch packed in a takeaway container before they walked out.

“Are you alright now, Louis? With all we talked about today, I mean.” Liam asked, worried, visible in his toffee brown eyes.

“I’m fine. Just give me some time, yeah?” That wasn’t a total lie. He really needed time.

“I will. Just promise me you will call me if there is anything you want to talk about. Or ask. No matter what time it is.” Liam said before they parted ways and he went back to his office.

Liam really was a great guy, Louis thought. They had met each other about four years ago in Los Angeles while Louis was filming one of his movies. Liam’s girlfriend at the time, Sophia, had been working on set and Liam frequently visited her there.

At first, Louis had found Liam annoyingly uptight and had roasted him a lot. But eventually, he noticed Liam actually had a sense of humour and he was a very likable lad. Him being a fellow Englishman didn’t hurt either. The most important thing about Liam was that he was someone Louis trusted. There weren’t many people in Louis’ life he could trust. Over the years Liam had become his very close friend and later, when it was possible, his manager.

His father had been working in the entertainment business for years so it had been a fairly obvious choice for Liam to follow in his father’s footsteps. He had been living in Los Angeles with his family for years because of his dad’s job, but last summer he had moved his own office to New York. Louis sometimes thought he might have been the reason Liam had moved here fairly soon after Louis’ relocation. Although, the reason might also have something to do with Louis’ housemate and best friend…

*

Louis promised to call Liam when he was ready. Despite the drizzle outside, he decided to walk back home. Instead of going straight down along 8th avenue, he opted to make his way to Hudson River Park. As the weather wasn’t the best, there probably wouldn't be too many people around. He needed to clear his head and hopefully, the fresh air would help. Maybe one fag beforehand and then there was time for the fresh air, Louis thought as he lit his cigarette. There was a homeless guy curled next to the wall and Louis gave his leftover sandwich to him.

He had passed through the theater district, seeing adverts for different Broadway shows on every corner as he let his thoughts drift back to his earlier conversation with Liam. He knew Liam had been right, he really needed something to get him out of the house - to escape his own mind.

From time to time in the past couple of months, he had already toyed with the idea of going back to work. Depending on the day, he’d either feel excited or terrified of this prospect. He had always loved his work but it was the other stuff that came along with it that he hated. And after two years all those things felt more frightening than ever.

Louis had walked faster than he had planned to. It didn’t take long, a good half an hour or so, before a familiar looking pier appeared on his right. Louis reached 10th street and curved to the left. After a few more minutes, he was standing in front of his house.

It was an old townhouse located between Bleecker and Hudson and Louis absolutely loved it. White frames outlined picture windows at the front of the three-story brick building. On the left, there was a high, green gate leading to the garden. To reach the front door there were a few steps to climb. Louis opened the juniper green door and sauntered down the narrow hallway leading to the living room.

“Zayn?” He shouted as he kicked off his Vans and threw his jacket on top of them.

No one answered. Louis glanced at his watch. Yeah, it was already three o’clock so Zayn had left for work by now. Louis didn’t really know if he was relieved or not. Zayn had known about his meeting with Liam and he probably would have asked how it went, too. Louis just didn’t know if he was ready to talk about it yet.

In theory, it would have been smart because Zayn knew him better than anyone. Nowadays anyway. But for one, Louis had no idea what to say to him. And secondly, Zayn wasn’t here. So, the problem solved for now.

Louis walked into the living room and crashed on the massive, lofty couch and closed his eyes for a second letting his armrest on his forehead. He wasn’t tired but he was feeling mentally exhausted. His brain was in overdrive, and he needed some sort of release.

Louis sighed and opened his eyes again taking a quick look around. One of the main reasons he fell in love with this house the first time he saw it was these rooms with high vaulted ceilings. Now, the living room was decorated with light colours, white walls, and furniture in different shades of grey against a walnut-colored wood floor, all making the room feel naturally bright. In front of the large, dark grey corner couch was a coffee table with a brightly patterned yellow rug beneath it and on the opposite wall was a big flat screen tv. The walls were adorned with some of Zayn’s colourful paintings, giving the room the personal touch it needed.

Louis reached for the remote and switched on the telly, surfing a few channels trying to find something to watch. Eventually, he just sighed and switched it off. He rose and walked across the living room, passing the fireplace and a couple of lounge chairs set up on the other side of the large room, before reaching the doorway leading to the kitchen area. He started to rummage through the cupboards in hopes of finding something to eat. He continued until he found a small bag of salted peanuts. He nodded to himself and looked satisfied also grabbing a Coke Zero from the fridge before returning to the couch.

He put the snacks on the table and started to look for his backpack, tracing it back to the hallway where it lay next to his shoes.

“Ok, there you are.” He mumbled, grabbing the bag and making his way back to the living room.

He dug it up and pulled out the black file, ’Midnight Memories’ written in red on the cover page. He tossed it on the table, grabbed his munchies, and leaned back still eyeing the file. After he had finished his snacks a couple of minutes later, Louis cautiously reached down to pick up the file. It felt like a burning coal in his hands.

He started slowly flipping through the pages. He hummed the songs using the notes provided and they were actually pretty catchy. Louis liked them a lot, he must admit. He felt the excitement starting to build more and more after every piece. In fact, it took him by surprise because it really wasn’t something he had expected to happen.

After he had gone through the music Louis started to read the actual plotline. The musical was about a band and their fans, all who seemed quite eager and committed. In the band, there were two guys and two girls who interacted with each other using songs. In the same way, there was an interaction between fans and the band. Not too bad, Louis thought. But when he reached the final scene, he froze.

“What the fuck…!” he cried out. Because, no. Without much thinking, he sprang up, grabbed his phone from the table, and pressed Liam’s name impatiently waiting for him to answer.

After a few rings, he heard Liam’s delighted voice on the other side. “Louis! I didn’t expect you to call back so soon.”

“Are fucking kidding me, Liam?” Louis didn’t even bother to greet him before shouting into the phone. He just had to release the steam out from the pressure cooker that was now his head.

“Ok, I get it. I assume you took a look at the script?” Liam asked sounding calm like he had been expecting something like this to happen.

“Oh, what on earth makes you think that?” Louis answered sarcastically, almost certain Liam could hear him rolling his eyes.

“But yes, in fact, I took a look at the fucking play! What the hell are you thinking?” Louis spitted. He had been clutching the file in his hands but now he whipped it forcefully down onto the couch.

“You don’t actually have an answer to that question because I know the answer. And it’s nothing, Liam! Cuz you weren’t thinking at all! Jesus!” He was pacing around the living room, his now free hand running through his hair. He wanted to tug it out just to have something else to think about.

“Louis, calm the fuck down, please. Was it really that bad? Seriously?” Liam asked, his voice still even and composed.

“It’s all about the fucking rainbows and unicorns! It’s a gay play!” Louis shrieked. “What the hell made you think I could do a play like this? Don’t you know me at all?”

”Yes, Louis. I know you very well and it’s the main reason why I think this would be perfect for you.” Liam explained. Sometimes Louis just didn’t understand what was going on with this kid’s brain. This was one of those moments.

“What’s so bad about this musical? Because the character you would play is gay? Because there is more than one gay character in it? Because you hate gays?” Liam asked next.

“I don’t hate gays, Liam. You know that.” Louis snapped sounding annoyed.

“So, you just hate the idea of playing a gay role?”

“No, it’s not that either. I just can’t! And you know that damn well, too.” Louis sighed. The fire behind his words had been mainly extinguished, leaving behind a frustration of smoke.

“No, Louis. I don’t know. I really don’t.” Liam paused for a while.

“Look, Louis. I will explain my reasoning to you, but before that, I’d like you to answer one question.” Liam sighed.

“Ok…?”

“Did you like the play?” Liam asked simply.

“What…?” Louis responded slightly confused and he didn’t know why. Nothing made any sense right now.

“Did you like the play?” Liam repeated emphasising each word individually as though Louis wasn’t able to comprehend. At the moment, Liam might have a point though. “Before you read the final scene, did you like it? Be honest with me now, please.”

“Fine, Liam. Yes, I liked it.” Louis admitted.

“I thought you would,” Liam responded, sounding pleased.

“Don’t flatter yourself. Move on.” Louis huffed. Patience had never been a virtue of his.

“Like I said earlier today, I’m considering this an opportunity for a fresh start. Look, you would be able to do something you actually love. Musicals have always been close to your heart, I know that. And now we are talking about Broadway. There’s not a better place to do it, you know. Of course, it would be different performing to a live audience. But you love to perform. This would combine all of those. Acting, singing, and performing!” Liam took a breath before he continued and Louis let him. There were no words anyway.

“And this would also be good publicity for you, after all the media mess in the past. So, it would be a fresh start from that perspective too. It would show that you don't have any problems with the LGBT community and that you support them. Like you do. Your past really isn’t a reason to say ‘no’ to this. I know it and you know it if you just could admit that to yourself.”

“I have a feeling that you’re making excuses because you’re scared. But I’m just wondering what are you scared of more -- what people might think of you? What thoughts this might bring back?” Liam’s voice faded.

What thoughts this might bring back.

Louis swallowed hard as Liam’s words echoed in his head. He couldn’t let himself think too much because that was the whole fucking problem here. His head was filled with too many thoughts.

And Liam had hit the nail on the head. He was scared. Of fucking course, he was scared. Who wouldn’t be?

“Alright Liam, I’ve got to go. Sorry. I’ll talk to you later.”

Louis couldn’t handle this right now.

“Sorry Louis, I didn’t mean to sound harsh or anything. But I hope you got my point. Because really, there is nothing to be scared about. We can handle the publicity if that’s your biggest fear. Don’t worry about it. Just sleep on it before you decide anything. Ok?” There was a worried undertone audible in Liam’s voice. Louis didn’t want to be rude to him, but he just couldn’t handle Liam at this moment in time. This was better for both of them. Or Liam at least. Louis wasn’t so sure about himself.

“Yeah, ok. Talk to you later. Bye.”

“Bye.” Louis barely heard Liam’s answer before he put down the phone.

What thoughts this might bring back.

Louis threw the phone on the couch. He paced around the living room a few times before rushing out to the garden to have a smoke.

What thoughts this might bring back.

Fuck. He could feel his anxiety rise as his thoughts continued circling around his head. He needed something to do. Louis went back inside, he did a quick once-round in the kitchen but ended only up with a glass of water.

What thoughts this might bring back.

He went back to the living room and sat down on the couch. Only to get up twenty seconds later. Fuck!

Louis made a move towards the doorway on the other side of the room, turned around in the middle, and went into the hallway instead. He climbed the stairs up to the top floor where his music room was located - he sat down at the piano and started to play.

What thoughts this might bring back.

His restlessness kept growing and growing. He went out onto the upstairs terrace to have another cigarette.

What thoughts this might bring back.

He couldn’t even think about anything anymore and still, Liam’s words echoed in his head, over and over again. He was a mess. Why was he even reacting so fucking strongly? It didn’t make any sense.

At the same time, the familiar urge had been building up. Just waiting to pull him under. He really didn’t need this right now. He hated it already. He hated himself for being this fucking weak.

What thoughts this might bring back.

Louis walked back downstairs. Why the fuck couldn’t Zayn be here right now? He just needed some kind of distraction. He already regretted hanging up with Liam. Maybe he should just call him. Or Zayn. But really, it wouldn’t make a difference anymore. He knew it too well.

Right now, it was just him.

Louis grabbed his phone and wallet before exiting through the front door. As the door shut behind him, he already knew tonight wasn’t going to end well.


	3. Chapter 3

[ Paloma Faith - New York ](https://youtu.be/PZF7CDBj1U0)

[   
  
](https://youtu.be/PZF7CDBj1U0)

Harry 

February, 2017

Harry glanced at his phone before cramming it back into his pocket. _Only three o’clock_ , he thought, pulling the door of the changing room closed behind him as he left the bakery on Friday afternoon. Maybe he should buy something he could eat on the way home because he did grocery shopping yesterday so everything was ready for his dinner guests later that evening. But if he had to wait until they were actually meant to eat, he might just starve to death.

He was going to make pasta later, so maybe something lighter would be good for now. Maybe some soup, he decided. There was a Hale and Hearty Soups in the same building so Harry aimed towards it. He studied the menu a while, in the end choosing to have the roasted butternut squash soup. It was perfect for chilly, winter days, he reasoned -- decadent yet still comforting.

He got his food and headed out, cake in one hand and a takeaway bag in the other, and he started to walk. Despite the weather being quite cold, it was sunny which made the stroll somewhat pleasant. He lived nearby, maybe fifteen or twenty minutes away. But it was long enough in the mornings to wake him up and in the afternoons it was pleasantly revitalizing, especially after a long day at work.

Making his way home Harry had enough time to think about the dinner. There weren't so many guests coming - just a few of his best friends. Niall and Kate, Jeff and Glenne and maybe Ed, depending what time his gig starts. But he had promised to text as soon as he knew if that he couldn't make it. They would see him anyway later on in the pub where he was playing, but it would be nice if he could have dinner with them too. Harry hasn’t seen him as much as he hoped lately, Ed being fairly busy with his music.

He was already on 22nd street and starting to cross 8th avenue. It didn’t take long before he was in front of their building. He walked in and nodded to the doorman before taking the lift to the 11th floor where their flat was located. Or truthfully, it was all Niall’s. As if Harry could afford living in the heart of New York City in a flat like his on his salary. No fucking way.

When Harry had gotten his dream job in New York, Niall had already bought this apartment and had insisted Harry should move in with him. Harry had tried to explain to him he couldn’t pay that much rent from his income. Not that his salary was lousy or anything, it was quite reasonable to be fair, but the prices in this area and building were ridiculous. But Niall didn’t listen.

“Haz, I barely have time to live here when I’m touring. And anyway, I have to spend a lot of time in LA and London. I’m just happy that someone I trust keeps an eye on it,” he had said waving his hand nonchalantly and had continued before Harry managed to protest.

“I would let you live here free, you know,” Niall had raised his hand to stop Harry before carrying on. “But I know you are so fucking stubborn and wouldn’t let me do that. So, we can make a deal. You pay me reasonable rent and take care of the place while I’m not here, covering the rest of your rent,” Niall had rolled his eyes to make clear what he thought about his own proposition.

“Can we come to some sort of agreement here?” Niall had asked in the end.

Of course, they could. Even Harry knew it would be stupid to be too stubborn with this. New York City is just so damn expensive. With the money he pays to Niall monthly he would be able to get some rathole on the Lower East Side, if he was lucky. During culinary school he had been living in dorms, so having an actual decent place with his own peace and quiet was tempting. For once, Harry decided to bury his pride and take Niall’s offer.

So, here he was. Living in this beautiful flat in Chelsea. Niall had bought it mainly as an investment but also to have a place to stay while he was in New York and now while Kate was living in the city, Niall tried to spend as much time as possible here too. But still most of the time Harry was living by himself. 

With Blue, of course.

It was a two-bedroom flat with a spacious living room containing a huge sectional couch and a dining table combined with the large eat-in kitchen. Harry himself was living in the master bedroom with ensuite (thank you Niall, again). Meanwhile, Niall was occupying the smaller one on the other side of the living room. There wasn’t a balcony, but being three floors up, there was a rooftop lounge area for residents to use. Downstairs, there was also a gym with a swimming pool and sauna. Harry wasn’t a big fan of the sauna, but he was a regular visitor at the gym and the swimming pool. Basically, Harry couldn’t be happier with his living arrangements.

Harry opened the door and entered the wide foyer which was located before the living room and had an entrance to Harry’s bedroom too. He took off his shoes and arranged them neatly next to the wall. He had never understood why people wear their shoes in their homes. Why on earth would anyone do that? 

He continued towards the kitchen and placed his bags on the breakfast bar before putting the cake into the fridge. He sat down on the stool and tucked into his container of soup watching as a white fluffy creature gracefully jumped up onto the table.

“Hi Blue,” Harry said gently to the kitten who was gazing at him from the other side of the counter. “You shouldn't be on the table, sweetie. You know that,” he continued but didn’t do anything to shoo the cat off. She paced towards Harry, as if she was Marie from the Aristocats, and pushed her precious little face against Harry’s arm and purred a little.

“Have you been all alone here?” Harry cooed to the cat who was now staring at Harry with her bright blue eyes. “Has uncle Niall ditched you again, you poor thing. That’s not nice at all. Is it?” The feline purred again, almost in agreement with what Harry had said.

“Ok, let’s get you something to eat. You must be hungry too, love,” Harry stood to reach for the tinned cat food from the cupboard above. He opened it and put some of it to a baby blue ceramic bowl and placed it on the floor. Blue watched it a while, judging if it was good enough for her before jumping to the floor and starting to eat.

Harry returned to his seat and started to eat too. The soup was still warm so he didn’t have to warm it up again. _Good,_ he thought. He finished his meal quickly, he must’ve been hungry after all despite only feeling peckish earlier.

Harry crashed on the huge corner sofa placed in the centre of the living room. It had been a long day, he thought sighing as he closed his eyes. Even if he didn’t have to work as early as some other bakers, waking up at five am doesn’t feel like a win either, no matter how used to it he was. Fridays were always so busy, the busiest day all week. His muscles felt sore when he tried to stretch them a bit. Maybe a few laps in the swimming pool would be good. He hadn’t done that for a few days.

First, he needed a power nap. Apparently Blue was feeling the same way as she jumped up and curled into a ball on his belly. Harry pet her gently with a fond smile on his face. She was a pretty cat, almost all white with little marks of grey above her eyes and in her paws. She had topaz blue eyes, and Harry couldn’t understand how anyone could have abandoned her. But someone had, and in many ways Harry was grateful for that. Well, not grateful for the _abandoning_ , obviously. But the chain of occurrences that led Blue into his life. _That_ he was grateful for.

Harry had gotten Blue, _Bluebell Rose thank you very much_ , a little after he had settled into New York. When he was a kid they always had a cat or two in the house and he really missed having a pet during the years he was studying in different places. There was no way he could have had one back then. When he actually had a home, he took the chance and got the cat he’d been longing for.

Six years to be exact. He had been barely seventeen when he had moved out from his childhood home and started to build his own life somewhere else. He had been so young and hadn’t even realised it then. But now, seeing someone at that similar age - they look like babies. Harry had felt very adult and mature back then, it made him smile now.

After the disaster that was the X-factor, Harry had decided to bury his dream of having a career in the music business. Maybe ‘dream’ was putting it a tad strong, but if his audition had gone well, he’d have certainly given it a chance and tried to see how far he could make it. Well, he really didn’t have to think about that.

Harry still blushes when he thinks about his last audition. Because, _Oh god_. It had been _so_ embarrassing to watch on TV. Of course, his family knew what had happened, they were at the venue at the time it occured. But even they didn’t know the real reason _why_ Harry totally froze. Everyone still thought it was because he had such a crush on Louis Tomlinson.

That was partly true, not the whole truth but Harry kept it that way. He was never _ever_ going to let anyone else know about the toilet incident. Along with him, there was only one other person in the world who knew about it. At least he _hoped_ there was only one.

When the show had been aired his phone and social media had filled up with messages from his friends. Most of those were teasing him in a good way, but yeah, as always there were also some not so nice ones. Apparently, it had also been reported in a couple of trash magazines who wrote about him and his tweet after the show.

That tweet, or more precisely, Louis Tomlinson’s reaction, was something he still thought about from time to time. He kind of understood the retweet, but why had he followed him on Twitter? Pity? That was Harry’s guess.

Harry’s fifteen minutes of fame was over soon and nowadays barely anyone remembers it. Apart from Niall of course. He wouldn’t let it die. Never in a million years.

However, The X-Factor was a breaking point in Harry’s life. Perhaps not in the way he had hoped or thought, but a breaking point nonetheless. He had always loved music, he still did. But these days, he really thinks it’s nice to have music as just a beloved hobby. Harry had learnt to play guitar, he writes songs now and then and he even plays some gigs Niall or Ed arrange for him in pubs and bars.

Harry loves performing. Of course, who doesn’t? But he had also seen the other side of the industry through Niall, and it could be really harsh. Even if Niall has been quite fortunate with both the industry and the media treating him well. _Still,_ it had been a hard lesson to learn. When Harry had watched Niall’s career skyrocket after X-Factor, there had only been a tiny little part of him that had been jealous of him sometimes, but mainly Harry was just happy for his friend.

After The X-Factor, Niall continued to live in Manchester for a year. He had to spend quite a lot of time in London too, but that year was enough to solidify their friendship for a lifetime. Harry also moved from Holmes Chapel to Manchester for uni and him and Niall shared a flat for a while. In the end, Niall stayed there only every now and then and Harry mainly occupied it by himself. When Niall had officially moved out, Harry had gotten another roommate to share the living costs with, and so for the rest of the time he lived in Manchester, Harry had cohabitated with his new roommate Nick.

Eventually, Niall moved permanently to London because the travelling back and forth was starting to take a toll on him. Niall’s first album was out fourteen months after his first appearance on TV and it was a success, you could say, especially in Britain and Europe. His first tour was just European venues. Niall’s second album was released eighteen months after the first one and it was then that he started getting noticed in Asia and America - making his first world tour afterwards. But it was his third album which struck gold, becoming a global hit. It had taken Niall to Los Angeles. He had bought the house in the city and started to live there permanently - touring smaller venues around the world half of the year.

It hadn’t been easy for a twenty year old boy but Niall, thank God, was so down-to-earth, managing fairly well despite the whole media circus following him around. He wasn’t the kind of lad to ditch his old friend when making new ones. No, that wasn’t Niall. It was actually the opposite. Old friends he knew before all his success were the ones he trusted most and were the ones he wanted near when everything around him was getting crazy. So even though most of the time Harry and Niall weren’t even on the same continent they managed to stay in contact all the time and tried to see each other whenever possible.

It had been with Niall when Harry first visited New York when he was just eighteen - he fell in love with the city immediately. Harry had always loved Manchester and London, but his love for New York was something different. More passionate and deeper. He was sold the first time he saw the silhouette of Manhattan from the Queens bridge while sitting in the taxi they hopped in at JFK airport. The skyline was so familiar, but it had been so different to see it in real life. The sun was setting, colouring the sky pink, and millions of lights were starting to brighten the dark landscape. Harry had been able to see well-known landmarks like the Chrysler and Empire state buildings sticking out, all beautiful and gorgeous. It kind of felt like home, in a very strange way.

If Harry had been thrilled before, the moment the taxi drove from the Queens-Midtown tunnel up to Manhattan, Harry was totally mesmerised. The skyscrapers breached high into the sky above, the streets crowded with people and yellow cabs weaving their way through the other traffic. It was all noisy and wild, and Harry loved it. By the time they arrived at their hotel in peaceful Murray Hill, Harry had decided he wanted to live in the city some day. It only took him ten minutes to be totally encompassed and the feeling has never faded. The more he saw and experienced, the more he fell in love with the city.

Less than three years after Harry’s first visit to the Big Apple, he had moved to the States to study at a culinary school in New York. When he had completed his twelve months of studies he had managed to get a job in this lovely bakery in Chelsea Market. It had been the same place he had worked during his apprentice period - they had been quite impressed with Harry’s talents. He had been a regular baker at first, but after a year, Harry had managed to get promoted to supervisor and has since been participating as part of a team, developing and testing out new creations.

Harry knows he is very privileged to be in such a position at such a young age. It’s hard work but Harry is not complaining because this is what he wants to do and loves to do. And someday he will have his own little bakery somewhere, but at the moment, he is very happy with what he has now. He was still so young and needed more experience to be out on his own. Harry had his dreams and he was going to make those happen. There was only one question. When?

Never in his wildest dreams had Harry ever thought how far, literally, he would actually go when he started to work in this little bakery in Holmes Chapel when he was fifteen. He had loved it. He had enjoyed talking with customers and telling them about their pastries and breads. But when they had been short staffed and Harry was asked to join the others and actually bake for them, it had opened a whole new world up for him. To sink his hands into the soft dough and produce actual bread, he felt excitement he hadn’t even anticipated. He could pinpoint that moment as a major turning point in his life. Even if he didn’t quite know it at that time.

First, he had to go through the whole X-Factor fiasco before he could clearly see what he really wanted to do. When the music career didn’t get out of the gate, he decided to devote his time to his real passion, baking. He had applied to a culinary school in Manchester and was accepted. After he moved there it had been impossible to continue working at the bakery in Holmes Chapel. But he had gotten an excellent reference from them and was able to find a new job in Manchester fairly easily.

It had been a ‘two birds with one stone’ situation. He was able to earn some money and get more practice outside of school hours. Some people may have thought it was boring to do the same thing all day long, but Harry enjoyed what he did and that it made it a lot easier. Of course, it was hard, there was no denying it; but it was, after all, only a temporary solution and it was going to help him in the future. Harry was lucky he was able to do most of his work hours at night time, instead of having to go work at four or five o’clock in the morning. He didn’t mind doing morning shifts, but it had just been more manageable during school with this kind of schedule.

Harry, as matter of fact, had always been more of a morning person. But that didn’t mean he wasn’t tired after a hectic day at work. _Like now._ Harry closed his eyes again and tried to relax. Still petting Blue, he attempted to empty his mind to enable him to fall asleep.

But no, today was one of those days where his body was tired, but his mind was running a mile a minute. Perhaps he had drunk too much coffee at work.

After twenty minutes Harry gave up, sighing. He stood up and changed into his workout clothes. He also grabbed his swimming trunks before heading downstairs, noticing the gym was still fairly quiet. This was one of the advantages of his working hours. He was able to avoid the rush hour in many situations. The gym was big and well equipped, it was always nicer to workout in when it was less crowded. Harry spent a good half hour doing his training program before moving to the pool. Swimming was really good for his shoulders and neck, areas he’s forced to test at work. It was also one of his favourite places to think about things. Just letting his body work and his mind wander. Or other times trying to clear his head from the barrage of thoughts swirling inside. Lately, it has been more frequently the latter. Sometimes, his feelings grew too overwhelming and he needed a distraction.

Not today, Harry thought and pushed himself out of the pool. Today he wants to spend a lovely evening with his friends and have some fun. It’s been awhile since he last went out properly. He walked to the lifts drying himself off a bit and putting his sweaty T-shirt back on for the way up. It felt icky but he was going to take a shower anyway. He bets the neighbours wouldn’t appreciate him walking around shirtless.

Harry returned to the empty apartment. He hadn’t heard from Niall all day and he had no idea when he was going to come home. Harry couldn’t remember if he had said he had some work-related stuff planned for today. He probably had.

Maybe he should check Twitter and see if his fans have seen him, Harry thought, even that made him feel like some kind of stalker. The way he had acted when he was younger and had a huge crush on Louis Tomlinson. Following so many update accounts on Twitter, and even more fan pages on Tumblr. For a moment he had been part of those updates after the catastrophic X-Factor audition.

_Oh God,_ is there _ever_ going to be a time when he will be able to think about that period of his life without thinking about throwing himself under a bus? Or if that is too much to ask, just without blushing. _Even when he is on his own._

All those incidents had tempered his behaviour down for a while. Although, he still may or may not follow some accounts for Louis Tomlinson. And himself of course. But there really hasn’t been any action for a couple of years. There were some scandals during that time. All the articles and rumours on social media that hadn’t sounded at all like the real Louis that Harry had seen in countless interviews, charity events and with his fans and family. No, Harry didn’t believe those then and he still didn’t.

The last big update had been over a year ago when there had been rumours that Louis’ mother had passed away. Then a bit later, there had been confirmation from his press team that she had died after losing her battle with leukemia - asking for privacy for him and his family during this time. That was it. And that was fine for Harry. Details weren’t anyone else’s business in any way. However, sometimes Harry found himself thinking about how Louis was doing nowadays. There had been a few grainy pictures of him in the UK and New York during last year, looking so tired and fragile. Harry had just wanted to hug him. But the press seemed to lose interest because there was nothing new to report.

If Louis was able to avoid cameras, then so was Niall. _When he wanted,_ may he add. Usually, during promo season and when something was about to happen, he would get papped more often. It was pretty much dependent on his fans being able to ”find” him. When Niall wanted to stay private, most of the time he managed to do it - apart from maybe a few photos taken from a distance. Like tonight, Harry was quite sure they would be able to stay incognito tonight.

Maybe Niall would do some Twitter promo for Ed afterwards, but not before letting everyone know where he was. Of course, those had happened too, but they were always made on purpose. If anything, Harry had learnt that over the years spent with Niall, things are usually not as they seem - in reality they’re totally different. He has seen it for himself. Niall had told him all manner of stories about the industry. _Oh boy_ , they were wild and made Niall’s life look quite simple after all.

Harry heard his phone beep, drawing him out of his thoughts. _Ed._

**Hi H, just got me timetable for tonight. I’m scheduled to start between ten and eleven. So, I’ll have to pass on dinner, sorry. But I’ll see you guys at the bar later. Let me know when you get there.**

Harry read the message, feeling a little bit disappointed even though he knew this was likely to be the way things would pan out. Those schedules were always so shitty in bars like this. At the end of the day, it would probably be closer to eleven than ten when Ed would take the stage. So, he would have had enough time to eat with them but of course he had to be at the venue ready to play when needed.

Harry glanced at his watch and _shit_! It was already six! Where the hell had the time gone? Harry took off his sweaty clothes and dropped them into the laundry hamper standing in the corner of his bathroom.

He stepped into the shower and let the hot water envelop his shoulders. He picked out his favourite apple scented shower gel and poured it to his palm. He just loved the mild scent it left on his skin afterwards. Tonight, he just wanted to feel pretty. It _was_ his birthday party afterall.

He started to spread the pale green substance with a gentle touch, letting his hand travel down his stomach. His dick twitched and he felt the urge to move his hands further down but he knew he wouldn’t be able stop. It had been way too long and his dick was crying out for touch. But he just didn’t have time for a wank now, he much preferred to draw it out, tease himself until he’s squirming for release. _Tomorrow_ , he decided. He just fucking needed it before his balls would turn blue and explode. It took a lot of mental strength to draw his palm away from the sensitive area and start to wash his hair instead, the movement accompanied with a long, loud sigh.

A few moments later, he walked back into his bedroom, drying himself off. He already knew what he wanted to wear tonight so getting dressed shouldn’t take too long. He pulled on a pair of tiny boxer briefs before walking to the kitchen. He would prepare everything ready for the pasta dish so it would be easy to throw together just before his guests arrived. He diced the vegetables needed into containers and sliced the chicken, wrapped it in the bowl and put it in the fridge. 

He rinsed the used chopping board and put it in the dishwasher before getting a new one to use for chopping the salad ingredients. He was quick, now there was just the dressing to do. It didn’t take too long to finish that too. Harry was glad he had decided to do such a simple, but savoury meal. Even if he really enjoyed being in the kitchen and feeding his friends, sometimes it was just easier to do something that didn’t require hours of preparation. Especially after a busy day at work.

When Harry had finished in the kitchen, for now, he made his way to the dining room humming happily along to the music playing in the background.

The breakfast bar separated the kitchen from the spacious living-dining room area. There was a large table with eight chairs around it on the right hand side of the big, spacious room. A huge, light grey corner sofa divided the room, marking where the living room started. The big TV was hung artfully on the wall, and next to the door leading to Niall’s bedroom were a few of his guitars erected on their racks. The entrance to Harry’s bedroom was on the other side of the room, providing them both with their own privacy.

The room was decorated with neutral colours; different shades of grey, a little bit of black, with white walls and kitchen cabinets. There were a few more colorful elements in the room; plush, dark pink pillows strategically placed on the couch, paintings of the same shade hanging on the walls and many different kinds of plants and flowers bringing green elements to the room. In the corner, next to music equipment, stood a climbing tree for Blue next to the windows. There wasn’t a balcony, but the wall opposite the kitchen had three wide windows providing hours of light in the room.

Harry walked to the white sideboard standing next to the wall, opened the drawer and pulled out a dark grey table runner. He placed it in the middle of the large, white table. He returned back to the kitchen to get plates and cutlery. He took a sip of red wine he had opened when he started his meal preparations. The wine was Chilean, not too rich, it should pair well with their dinner. It was delicious and Harry took another sip before placing the glass on top of the bar. He quickly set the table, adding pink serviettes, pink coloured candles and some flowers in the middle of the table. He picked up the glasses and aimed a satisfied look towards the table. It looked quite beautiful, Harry thought. If he did say so himself.

He checked the time again, pleased to see it had only taken a little over half an hour to do all of this. He grabbed his wine glass and made his way to the bedroom. First, he put on his black skinny jeans and some socks. Then he dressed in a white T-shirt and finally the pink button-up. Yes, Harry loved pink. No judging, please.

His hair had almost dried and needed only a minute to blow dry before it was ready to be styled. He still tended to forget how fast his new hair took to finish even though it had been almost a year since he cut off his long locks. It had formed those wild curls again though. Harry had liked his longer hair a lot, but he really loved this new look too.

He took a quick glance at the mirror. He was feeling pretty, just like he wanted and was ready to have fun with his friends whenever they arrived. The others should be here in 30 minutes or so, but Niall hadn’t even come home yet. Where the hell was he? Harry picked up his wine glass and went to get his phone. He hadn’t heard it ring but maybe Niall had sent him a message. He had barely gotten to the phone when the apartment door slammed shut.

“H, are you here?” The Irishman shouted from the foyer, letting the whole building know he was home.

”I’ll be there in a minute, Niall!” Harry answered, taking one final look in the mirror. He was happy with his reflection. The hours spent in the gym had paid off and his legs were looking quite good in his black skinny jeans that fit like a glove, the pink shirt flowing over his upper body. Sexy and soft at the same time. A killer combination one might say. Maybe he would finally catch someone’s attention. Meeting someone tonight, the someone special that had been missing in his life for so long. But it hadn’t happened up until now so why would it happen tonight either. 

_Just stop dreaming about the impossible,_ he thought. 

But Harry couldn’t. He still wanted to believe in love. Even if he had never actually been in love. Harry sighed and walked into the living room where Niall had made his way into.

”There you are! Now give me a hug, Hazza!” Niall said walking towards Harry, his arms spread ready for embrace. ”Happy belated birthday!” he shouted while pulling Harry closer.

”Thank you, Niall!” Harry answered laughing softly. ”But, I can hear you even when you don’t shout, you know,” he continued, a smile remaining on his face.

”I say that to him all the time but it changes nothing. If you someday find a way to do it, please let me know,” Harry heard a female voice behind them saying with a thick Irish accent.

”Kate! Good to see you!” Harry said, releasing himself from his best friend’s arms and moving towards the cute girl standing next to the sofa. Harry hugged her warmly and pressed a kiss to her cheek.

”Hey! That’s unfair! Why does she get a kiss and I don’t. I’ve known you longer and she didn’t even wish you a Happy birthday like I did!” Niall complained, crossing his arms over his chest.

”I can give you a kiss too, if it’s something you want. You don’t have to be jealous of your own girlfriend,” Harry laughed and turned to look at his best friend. Although he was now a natural brunette on the outside, inside he was still the same blonde boy with blue eyes Harry had met all those years ago. He was more muscular now, but still smaller than Harry. He was looking like a proper popstar with dark jeans, a white t-shirt and a light, tawny coloured suede jacket, his hair styled messily and spiking up slightly. And now the popstar was pouting like a child. The look can definitely mislead.

”Like I was just about to say before I was interrupted by my lovely as ever boyfriend. Happy birthday, Harry!” Kate said pecking Harry softly on the cheek too. Harry really liked her and she was gutsy enough to keep Niall in control, when needed.

”Thank you, Kate. And how are you? Haven’t seen you for a while.”

”Good, good. Studies are keeping me quite busy right now. I have tried to do as much as possible so I can spend the following week with that monster before he ditches me to go on tour,” she said nodding towards Niall.

“Oh, I tend to forget it’s about to start in two weeks. Feels like it was yesterday that he started to plan it.” Maybe the bigger reason was he didn’t want to think about it too much. “You are not planning to go with him then?”

“At some point, I will. Depends on my school hours. He’s having a small break during my spring break, so we are going on holiday then. He is going to tour more or less the rest of the year, anyway. But we will find our ways to see each other. To be honest, it might actually be good for my grade point average that he’s not here disturbing me all the time,” Kate said grinning wildly.

“Hey! I’m the best thing that ever happened to you and you love me deeply!” Niall answered to her happily.

“Someone is feeling very confident today? Aren’t they?” Kate said, directing her words more to Harry but nodding towards Niall and cocking her eyebrow.

“But he is right, isn’t he? You really do love each other and I’m so happy for you two,” Harry said, feeling a little overwhelmed. Why is he always like this when he starts to think about love? He is just way too sentimental.

“Aww, Harry. You are always so sweet,” Niall said reaching his hand out to tousle Harry’s hair. “You really need someone you could take care of. You have way too much love inside of you waiting to be aimed at someone.” He continues, eyes still following Harry.

“But I do have—” Harry started before Niall cut him off.

“And by someone, I mean like a human. Not Blue. What were you saying again? Sorry I interrupted,” Niall said not looking sorry at all. Actually, he was smirking at him. Bastard. Though a very lovable bastard, it didn’t change the fact at all.

Harry just scowled at his best friend but didn’t say anything. He picked up Blue who was butting her head against Harry’s legs. “C’mon Bluebell Rose. Uncle Niall is being mean to us again. Let’s go cook dinner for Kate and our other, _real_ friends who are still on their way.” Blue meowed in agreement. “Good girl. I knew you were with me. We are like two musketeers. One for all, all for one.”

Harry heard Niall cackle. “Did you just refer to yourselves as the musketeers? Oh my God. Your jokes are getting worse all the time.”

Harry couldn’t help but smile, his dimples popping out. He felt proud Niall picked up on his joke. And of course, Niall also knew Harry wasn’t angry at him. Niall just loved to banter with Harry. Always had. Harry would never admit it to him, but he kind of liked it.

Harry carried Blue to the kitchen and put her on the floor. “I know, you would like to help me. But this time you have to stay on the floor. You know I don’t mind if I have little cat hair in my food but our guests might disagree.” Harry scratched her silky cheek before standing up. He washed his hands and then started to collect the ingredients he prepared earlier from the fridge.

Kate and Niall were now cuddling on the sofa, they looked so happy. Even if there was just a tiny little sting of jealousy seeing them interact together, Harry was really happy they had found each other. Of course, he wanted his best friend to be happy and he couldn’t imagine anyone more perfect for Niall than Kate was. They were both so similar; loud, chatty and spontaneous. The combination sounds catastrophic but in a bizarre way they managed to balance each other. Maybe because, after all, they’re both very down-to-earth people. And very, _very_ Irish. She might be one of the few people in existence who can drink Niall under the table. Harry didn’t know how it was possible but he had seen it happen.

They had met in Dublin about two and half years ago through their mutual friends, and Niall had been a goner for her from the start. Pretty and quite tall, with dark blonde hair and blue eyes that had caught Niall’s attention but Kate’s bubbly personality and easy going attitude were the assets that had wiped him off his feet. Kate hadn’t been so easy to persuade. Of course, she had known who Niall was, but it had been more of a con than a pro. After about three weeks of heavy pursuit, Kate had promised to go out with Niall mainly to shut his mouth. But to both of their surprise, the date had been a success and they have been together since.

Kate was originally from Dublin but she had been studying law at Columbia University in New York City for the past two years now. She had applied there before they had even started dating so it had nothing at all to do with Niall. But he was thrilled when she found out she had been accepted. Since Kate moved to New York, Niall had unsurprisingly started to spend more time at her place instead of at his home in Los Angeles whenever he had days off.

Harry didn’t know how, but they had managed to keep their relationship out of sight from the media this whole time. It had actually been one of Kate’s demands when they got together. They go out with their friends, like tonight, and even had date nights of their own, but Niall’s fans didn’t know about them. Of course, they both knew that someday they might be exposed, but the longer they were able to keep it just between them, their families and a small group of their closest friends, they were happy. Although, by now, they knew their relationship would last even if they were dragged into the limelight.

Harry startled at the ring of the doorbell. _Jeff and Glenne_ , Harry delighted.

“Nialler, could you open the door, please? I’m just in the middle of cooking right now.” Before Harry even had finished his sentence his best friend was already greeting Jeff and Glenne. “Birthday boy is busy in the kitchen.” Harry heard him saying.

Soon they all appeared in the kitchen and “Happy birthday” wishes combined with hugs were exchanged simultaneously, whilst Harry kept cooking.

“Dinner will be ready in ten minutes. Niall can get you something to drink and you can sit for a while.”

Niall grabbed beers for him, Kate and Jeff, while Glenne and Harry ended up with red wine like Harry had before. While the pasta was cooking, he tossed the salad with the dressing and carried it to the table. Wine. A few beers in the cooler. Bread. Everything seems to be in order. As soon as the dish was ready, they all took a seat around the table.

Conversation flowed while they ate. Mainly, they talked about Niall’s upcoming tour. The first couple of months was going to be in North America before heading to Europe and Asia. Even though Niall was staying in New York only every now and then, it would be different when he started touring. He had breaks between the legs but it didn’t seem very likely he was going to be in New York any time soon. Harry was really going to miss his annoying friend when he was gone.

However, now wasn’t a good time to be sad. Everyone had finished their meals so Harry excused himself and started to clean the table. He was in the kitchen putting leftover food into containers when he heard Glenne’s voice behind him.

“Don’t be so sad, H,” She said softly. Ok then. Maybe he wasn’t as good as he thought at hiding his feelings.

Harry turned to look at her smiling weakly.

“I’m not sad,” he lied. “I’m just so used to him coming back here regularly, at least once a month. And now it might be eight weeks or eight months until I see him again. I’m just so used to him being around. After all, he is my best friend. And this time it’s not only Niall leaving. You and Jeff are going also. It makes this even worse. And Ed is busy with his career. Nick is in London. Maybe now I’m just starting to realise that I don’t really have that many friends here in New York aside from you guys.”

“Kate is still here. And you know, just one word to Niall or Jeff, and they will make arrangements so you can be wherever we are the next day. You know that,” Glenne said squeezing his arm reassuringly.

“I know that, yeah. But I just don’t want to use him. Give me this, give me that. I’m already living in his bloody flat. I’m not going to ask him for something more,” Harry raised his hand and continued “I know _he_ doesn’t think like that, but it just makes me feel, I don’t know, like a leech or something.”

“You are not a leech, Harry. Far from it. You know that,” Glenne answered laughing. “Now c’mon, let’s have fun! Tonight, we are not going to worry about Niall or the tour. Or whatever comes with it.” She pulled Harry into a tight hug. “Promise me.”

“Ok, I promise,” Harry answered, now smiling a bit wider. “But first we have to have cake! And champagne!”

And they did. Champagne and carrot cake was actually a surprisingly delicious combination. Or, maybe with champagne, everything tasted good.

After cake, there were presents. And another bottle of bubbly. 

The first gift was from Glenne and Jeff. They gave him a fabulous Gucci shirt. It was pink and patterned and silky. Harry absolutely loved it! Of course, he did. It was _fucking Gucci!_ His first ever. And it was so beautiful. And did he already say, it was Gucci!

“Thank you so much!” Harry felt his voice was trembling a little bit from affection. “You really shouldn’t have bought it. It must have cost a fortune! I love it, don’t get me wrong, but it is way too much.”

“Shut up, Harry!” He could hear Glenne and Jeff say almost in unison. “You deserve it, now just enjoy it,” Jeff continued. Harry just nodded and gave them both very tight hugs. He could feel happy tears burning behind his eyelids while his smile was almost slicing his face in two.

Kate gave him a gift card for a massage at an upscale spa. It would do a world of good for his sore shoulders, he couldn’t wait to go. Harry hugged Kate too, thanking her many times. He was really privileged to have friends like these four. He really loved them.

Harry was already feeling way too emotional. Multiple flutes of champagne didn’t really help him to deal with it all. And Niall. He was the one who pushed Harry over the edge. Because Niall just fucking gave him flight tickets to London, business class, to see his gig in May. There were also accommodations booked at a fancy hotel in London. Harry was about to cry. Ok, not about. He was fully sobbing against Niall’s chest while he was clinging on him.

“You know I can’t accept this. It’s too much. The flights and the hotel and all it’s just… I can’t. I really can’t…!” His sobs were getting louder, again, and his words were lost behind them.

“H, just listen to me, please,” Niall said “I love you. You are my best friend. You have been for so many years now. Have you ever asked for anything from me? No. Have you ever tried to use me during these years? No. Have you ever told anything to the press or spread anything on social media about me? No.”

“And I don’t think you even understand how much that all means to me. How much our friendship means to me. There really aren't many people in the world I could trust with my life. But you are one of those people, Harry. Could you just do me a favour and accept my gift to you. I can afford it. I just want to show my gratitude to you and make you happy. You haven’t been to England for a while. And I know how much you miss it. So just go and have a good time. And maybe I’m also a little bit selfish ‘cause this way I’m going to see you too.” For once, there was seriousness in Niall’s eyes and Harry knew he had really meant what he had said.

Niall’s words were so beautiful and all Harry was able to do was nod. After a while he managed to whisper “Thank you. Thank you so much. And your words mean so much to me. I love you too.”

Suddenly, Harry remembered the conversation he had with Glenne in the kitchen. When he finally let Niall go he turned to Glenne asking “Did you know about this?” She shook her head seeming to understand the reference and Harry believed her.

“I think I have to go wash my face before we leave. So, if you’ll excuse me now.” Harry managed to collect himself a bit and walked to the bathroom. After he had closed the door he leaned against the sink and took a few deep breaths. He splashed cold water on his face. Then it really hit him. He was going home in a few months! It was already too late to call his mum, so he texted her the news instead. She would be so happy! And that thought made Harry happy too.

With a big smile on his face, he entered the living room to find the others had cleaned the table.

“We think it’s about a time to leave for the bar if we want to see Ed on stage,” Jeff said and Harry nodded, complying. It would’ve been nice if they’d had more time to just sit a bit longer without any rush, but they all wanted to see Ed too.

“Yeah, let’s go!” Niall shouted and was already halfway out of the door, the others soon followed him. 

The bar was located on the Lower East Side, so they hailed two cabs from the street. Niall and Kate took the first, and the rest of them followed in the second one. They were chatting exuberantly during the taxi ride and Harry was starting to feel normal again. Happy and normal. Was there really anything more to ask for than having fun with his amazing friends on his (almost) birthday.

When the cab finally stopped in front of the bar, Harry saw Kate and Niall already heading inside. Jeff insisted he pay for the ride and Harry gave up trying to change his mind, knowing it wouldn’t help anyway.

People were swarmed outside the bar, smoking their cigarettes and listening to the music blaring inside. Jeff and Glenne spotted a couple of their friends and went over to greet them. The weather was fairly crisp so Harry decided to go inside to find Niall and Kate. He hadn’t been to this place before, but Ed had told them they had two separate rooms here. The front one had a few pool tables placed between the actual tables and the main bar was located here. Ed was going to perform in the other room and there should be a table reserved for them. Harry couldn’t see the others so he opted to order himself a drink first before finding them.

He had just got his drink, sipping it carefully when he felt someone bump into his back, almost making him spill his drink on his pink shirt.

“Shit,” Harry said before turning to see who caused the incident.

When he finally saw the culprit, he nearly dropped his entire glass. In the distance, Harry could hear Niall calling for him, but everything around him was blurring and all he could do was stare into the blue eyes before him. The eyes that had been so familiar to his younger self. The eyes he had never expected to see again. He felt a blush creeping up his face and the memories from the X-Factor toilet were rushing to his head making him feel faint.

Suddenly, Harry felt sixteen again. 

  
  



	4. Chapter 4

[Soul Asylum - Runaway Train](https://youtu.be/NRtvqT_wMeY)

Louis

February, 2017

Louis knew from an early age that he was gay. When he was younger he can recall older people talking about the time when you “start develop feelings for the opposite sex”. In Louis’ case that never happened. When other boys in his class had crushes on girls in the school, Louis was daydreaming of the boy living next door.

When Louis told his mum, Jay, about his feelings (he told her everything), she had explained to him how some people are homosexual or bisexual. So, instead of boys liking girls, some boys liked other boys and some girls liked other girls. As well, some boys liked boys and girls and vice versa. Jay talked about these things so naturally, and Louis didn’t feel like he was different from other people. But on some level, he always understood that all people didn’t think like his mum. It was very confusing.

Especially after Louis joined the school’s football team, he had felt uncomfortable telling them his sexuality. He had even been chosen to be team captain but he was still afraid of telling the other lads, in fear it would change their behavior towards him. They took showers after practice and stuff. But even more, being a gay footballer, was still a big taboo. So, Louis decided to stay quiet. Only his family and a couple of his closest friends knew. For others, it was just a guess.

Even if he didn’t talk about it, that didn’t mean he had to hide himself. Louis loved to wear colourful trousers, suspenders and button ups. His clothes made him feel good and proud of himself. If the time and place was right, he even flirted with some guys. He went on his first date, had his first kiss and eventually lost his virginity. If someone called him a twink, he took it as a compliment.

Overall, everything was good.

His first major setback for his plans had happened when he had been seventeen. Louis hurt his ankle quite badly and was forced to stay off the football pitch for at least six months. At that age, it felt like a lifetime. When he wasn’t able to train, he had a lot of time to think about his future. Over the years, Louis had dreamt about becoming a professional footballer, it wasn’t just some distant dream, he really had the chance to achieve it. He was good and he knew it. His coaches knew it too, and encouraged him towards that achievement.

Then the accident happened. It had just been a stupid slip on wet grass, but immediately he knew that his ankle was in bad shape. Nonetheless, stupid or not, the result was same, he couldn’t play nor practice. The last few years had been occupied with football and now it had all been taken away. Louis needed something to do, otherwise he would lose his mind. That was when he directed his interests towards music and acting. Louis had always loved music. Singing, playing, dancing, and listening to it. But now he put his whole heart into it. The hours he used to practice football were now filled with music. He applied to study drama and got in. Louis was thrilled.

When his ankle finally got better, he decided not to return to the football team. Music was now his number one priority and he didn’t have enough time for both, so footie had to go. Of course, he still played with his friends and he still loved it, but for now it was only a hobby, not a potential career path as there was no guarantee the ligaments in his ankle wouldn’t give way again. His coaches hadn’t been too pleased but Louis was. It was the only thing that mattered.

At the same time, his mum was going through a nasty divorce from his dad. He wasn’t Louis’ biological dad but he was the closest thing to a real dad Louis had. Louis’ real father had abandoned him and his mum when Louis was only a newborn. Jay had raised him as a single mum until she had met Mark a couple of years later and eventually married him. He had adopted Louis and had been a great father to him and his four younger sisters they had welcomed to their family over the years. But one day, out of the blue, Mark had packed his bags and left.

His mum had needed Louis and he was there for her. He helped take care of his little sisters while his mum was working. But it didn’t mean he had to give up music. No, almost the opposite. His mum had always encouraged him to chase his dreams, first football and now music. Louis had hoped that someday he would be able to pay back his mum for all she had ever done for him. Although, it would take a lifetime or more to do that. She had given him so much that money just couldn’t buy. There wasn’t any other person in the world that Louis had loved more than his mum. Not even close.

When Louis had auditioned for the X-Factor the first time in 2007, it had much to do with Jay. She had signed him up and also made sure he would get there. He passed the first rounds, but was rejected at the third one. But he didn’t get discouraged. If possible, it made him even more determined. The next year, he would be more prepared, it would be his year.

And it was.

It really was. He got through round after round and soon he realised that he was one of the top three finalists. That was his final ranking, but it was more than fine. During the program, one theme had been musicals. Louis had been totally in his element and had really shined. Maybe it was that, but quite soon after the finals, he ended up getting a role in a new teen musical they were about to film. Before he had properly realised, Louis had already been on his way to Hollywood.

The movie had been a total success and had soon been followed by two sequels. Everything in his life from then on had been fast and furious. Louis had bought a house in Los Angeles and moved there. His career had progressed in leaps and bounds. Louis had loved it, but sometimes it had been hard to even understand what had been going on. Everything had been so new and exciting. Money, fame, glamour…

Since his first appearance on the X-Factor, his face could be found scattered across the pages of different magazines and online tabloid websites. It had been fun and thrilling at the beginning. Everything had been positive and lovely but then the rumours had started. And then everything changed. Suddenly he was no longer the “Golden Boy” anymore. First, there was gossip here and there, but as time went by headlines were getting uglier and more invasive. It had started to feel denigrating at times.

Then, pictures of him and Zayn started to appear.

Zayn Malik has been his best friend since they were five. His family had moved to the same street as Louis’ family and Zayn had ended up in the same class as him in school. They became friends quickly as they had the same interests, like skating and music. Zayn hadn’t been so easy to get to know (he still isn’t) but despite that they became close friends. It’s not that Zayn doesn’t like people. Most of the time he prefers to be by himself. If someone had asked Louis to describe Zayn in one word, he would have said Snufkin. The portrayal of this Moomin character could be Zayn as well.

Zayn had always been very artistic, therefore, his decision to study fine arts had come as no surprise to anyone. He had first studied in England, and then a couple of years later he continued in New York. With both of them living on the same continent it made seeing each other much easier. When Zayn was off school, he had spent time with Louis in LA. When Louis wasn’t filming, he had visited Zayn often in New York. And of course, they both travelled as often as possible to England too, to meet up with their friends and families.

Basically, they had been photographed together quite frequently. Zayn was gorgeous and the press loved him. And they loved them together so much that they called them Zouis. Even though there had never been anything other than a friendship between them during the years, there may have been a couple of drunken kisses when they had been younger, but who hadn’t? It had just been for fun and everyone was doing it. So, no big deal.

Louis didn’t bother giving the rumours teeth, but other people did.

And that was when they brought Eleanor into his life. She had been an aspiring model from London, trying to get her career started properly. Her family had also been friends with Simon, Louis’ manager back then. It was a two for one deal. Eleanor would get the publicity she needed, Louis would get a “girlfriend” and the gay rumours off his shoulders. Basically, it was a solid move for everyone.

Except for Louis.

He hated it. He absolutely loathed it. He hadn’t properly been out before, now he was completely locked in the closet. When they had said Louis had to change his dress style to something “less-twinky” it was the first time he took the word as an insult. Maybe because it had meant to be one.

Suddenly, his freedom was stripped and he had been placed into a gilded cage. He hadn’t had many good friends in Los Angeles, and when they limited Zayn’s visits to him, it had started to take its toll.

But there was another movie waiting to be filmed, and so Louis had dove into it head first, trying to forget all the shit happening around him. “Summer love” had been his first non-musical film and Louis was a bit nervous about it. However, three years in the business had taught him a lot. His starpower still shone bright and so no one was surprised when the movie had been a box office hit as well. Louis managed to make one more film before everything had started to go downhill.

It had been soon after Louis had finished filming his last movie when he had met Sean at one of the industry parties. It wasn’t rare to be gay in Hollywood and usually people around them knew, even the press knew. There might have been rumours but outing someone for real didn’t usually happen. The media was making their living out of gossip, so no one was ever able to escape it. And for that, Louis had had Eleanor. When your main target audience were teenage girls, you really couldn’t be gay. Publicly, anyway.

It hadn’t made things any easier that Sean was in the same precarious position. Young, handsome and gay. They had been attracted to each other immediately. Sean was stunning in his black, well fitting suit. He had been taller than Louis, his hair was strawberry blonde and his grey eyes were piercing. He had had a bit of an arrogant expression on his face and he acted like he had known what he wanted. And what he had wanted, was Louis.

In hindsight, Louis knew he never really stood a chance. Like everything else in Louis’ life, his love life seemed to go ahead at full throttle. When he had started to catch on that their relationship was not as mutual as he had believed, it was already too late. He was already in way too deep to escape. And he didn’t want to escape because he had refused to believe those signs. He had been in love and he wanted to believe that Sean loved him too.

His management contract with Simon had ended a few months earlier and Liam had replaced him. But even having his friend as a manager hadn’t helped the situation. There had been so many contracts signed beforehand, still holding him and controlling what he had been able to do. But it hadn’t stopped Louis from rebelling. His arrangement with Eleanor was about to expire soon and there had been no way he would have continued it. He had even been dreaming about coming out some day. Simon had only laughed at him.

“Sure, you can try, but I’m not going to make it easy. No one gets out without consequences and you are definitely no exception.” He had warned, his eyes cold with vitriol, as Louis would find out later, he had been telling the truth.

There had been some old video footage of him and Zayn smoking weed and the press had managed to just “happen” upon it. Producers of his upcoming movie hadn’t been happy. And it had just been the start. The premier of “Illusion” had been in November and everything had gone quite smoothly. Eleanor was walking the red carpet with him, looking at him with heart eyes. Later, Louis realised it all had been planned to make her look like a victim.

When Louis visited home for Christmas, everything had been great. Though Sean had declined his offer to come with him to meet his family, Louis was still happy. If there was one thing to be grateful for, it is that Simon let him have one last Christmas with his whole family, making those wonderful memories, before he released the kraken.

To be honest, Louis even couldn’t remember what had happened first. It had been like a giant snowball which had just kept growing until it was too massive to stop anymore. The weed video had been circling around again, rumours of a break-up with Eleanor had spread, some homophobic messages had been sent using his social media accounts

And it had just gotten worse. Accusations of him abandoning his pregnant girlfriend later even him causing the miscarriage of their baby that had never even existed in the first place.

Homophobic slurs that “Twitter Louis” had said had increased. His fans had been raging, some of them because of what “Print Louis” had said, others because they hadn’t believed those things and wanted someone's head on a plate for it. Most of their guesses were accurately directed towards Simon and his minions.

Before Louis and his new team had time to clarify the accusations, the worst thing happened. His mum got sick. When Louis had heard the news he didn’t hesitate. He flew to England and had stayed there until the end. All the other things happening had lost their purpose. Apart from Sean, of course, but yeah…

Louis didn’t want to think about it because it still hurt, how things had ended between them. Not that it mattered anymore but he still could feel the wave of humiliation coursing through him. How he had made him feel so worthless. Still. Two years later. Not that he loved Sean anymore. Hate was a word too strong to describe his feelings towards the man he once thought about having a future with. Empty might be the best one. He was totally over him, but it was his words that still stung.

Louis opened his eyes and shook his head as though the movement would make the past disappear. He didn’t want to think about Sean. Or any other stuff that happened back then either. But the fucking script on the table in front of him was haunting him. It had haunted him the day before and it was still scary. What also was frightening, was how well Liam knew him and his train of thought. Louis could still hear Liam’s words in his head.

What thoughts this might bring back.

It made him think and feel so many things. Everything that had happened in the past was billowing over and suffocating him. All the shit that had hit the fan back then, was still unsolved to the public. Liam had tried his best but Simon had done so much damage. Louis wasn’t sure if it was ever repairable.

And Louis himself, he had just vanished. Sure as hell, he had had a good reason. But for his reputation, being totally MIA hadn’t done any good.

So, if he decided to go back to work, it would mean facing the press again. If he would even get the part. And if he would get it, how would the media react over it. He could already see the headlines of hypocrisy.

Is Louis Tomlinson trying to amend his reputation?

Homophobic actor joins the cast of queer play!

It’s too late, Louis!

There were way too many ‘ifs’, he couldn’t handle. He was just so fucking scared. Scared of so many things. It wasn’t just getting back to work, or confronting the media. It was also getting back to a normal life. Letting some things go. And Louis wasn’t sure if he was ready to let go yet. Because before he could let things go, he would have to confront them.

He wasn’t sure if he was strong enough to deal with that.

He also knew he needed something to do. It wasn't about the money. He had that. A lot of that. Even if he didn't work for the rest of his life again, he still would be okay. But like before, he had never done jobs just for the money. Of course, it was a nice bonus but it had never been his main focus. He did his job because he loved it. It was all the shit on the side he hated. Never his job.

This could be my way back, he thought, just as Liam said.

It would be different. Working, performing, the whole environment. This wasn’t Hollywood, this was Broadway. They are two totally different entities. Could he ever find his place in the musical scene of New York? How would they react to him? Certainly, this play would have an all young cast. No one would have years of experience on stage. It would be quite new for all of them. It could help him to adjust.

Finally, he reached down to take the script. He started to go through it scene by scene, song by song. He had done it yesterday too, but today he took more time to really study the play. It was still feeling catchy, but it was also clever and youthful. It had a strong message. Louis could feel happiness and freedom emerging from the final scene.

If only he could feel it someday too.

Louis heard a loud sound coming from the basement.

“Zayn, you home?” He shouted and sat up on the sofa. He heard someone climbing up the stairs and soon Zayn’s familiar frame appeared in the living room.

“What’s going on, Louis?” Zayn asked, looking like he wanted to ask more but waited for Louis to speak. Of course, Zayn was able to read his facial expressions and could see something was bothering Louis.

“Hey, yeah. I’m just going through the play Liam gave me yesterday.” Louis waved the file he was holding. “It’s Broadway. Might have a chance to audition for it. James Corden is directing and he asked Liam to give me the script to read.”

“Wow, that’s cool! Really good news then. Congrats! For the audition, I mean.” Zayn specified his words, still observing Louis who was sitting quietly on the couch leaning his forearms against his thighs.

“Louis, this is good news. Isn’t it?” Zayn asked, worry emanating from his voice.

“I don’t know, Zayn. I really don’t know.” Louis said, shrugging his shoulders.

“It’s just so hard to think about this without remembering all the shit that happened. And it’s a fucking queer play, did I mention that? It just feels too much right now. I really don’t know what to do. Fuck!” His last words were so full of emotion it caused Zayn to sit down next to Louis and embrace him tightly. It wasn’t something Zayn would do often, so apparently Louis must have looked a proper mess.

Brilliant.

“C’mon, Louis. I guess you have given it a lot of thought, haven’t you?” Louis nodded briefly. “And knowing you, you are definitely overthinking it now, aren’t you.” Louis nodded again.

“That’s why your head's a mess. Look, let it settle and then you can start to analyse your choices again. Properly. But you must stop, for now.” Zayn said with a determined tone to his voice.

Louis knew Zayn was right. There was no way he could make any decisions regarding it at the moment. And he had to talk with Liam, but that could wait until Monday.

“Do you want to go out tonight? I gotta get out of the house for a while.” Louis asked, glancing at Zayn fast.

“Hmm, yeah why not? It’s a bit early yet, but what do you think about a few rounds of pool? I know one place on the Lower East Side where we could go. Maybe have something to eat first? And if we want to go clubbing, we can decide that later. How does that sound?” Zayn was already standing, watching Louis intently.

“Yeah, that sounds actually really good.” Louis checked the time before he continued. “We could leave around seven, or so? It’s now ten to six and I need to take a shower before we go.”

“Yep. Me too. I think seven sounds perfect, mate. I’ll go back to my place, but I’ll see you soon.” Zayn said before disappearing off to his own kingdom located in the basement.

Louis climbed one floor up to his bedroom. The second floor was smaller than the downstairs, maybe about half of the area. But this floor was just for Louis. There was a large bathroom and a couple of closets opposite a narrow hallway. On the other side was an entrance to a small, cosy terrace. The other end led to the master bedroom. It was spacious with a warm, brown-toned wooden floor and big windows. A king size bed dominated the room. There were wooden night tables beside it and across the room was a fireplace. In the corner there was a big lazy chair and a floor lamp. The colours of the room were mainly cream with a hint of brown and a few smoldering orange decorative pillows, now laying on the floor, giving the room the needed warmth.

Louis tossed his used clothes in the hamper and walked into the bathroom, stepping into the shower and turning on the water. It didn’t take long to wash himself, but Louis just loved to stand under the hot water and feel his whole body warm up. The chilly bathroom outside the shower stall didn’t sound tempting at all, but eventually he had to give up and turn off the running water. He tucked his feet into slippers waiting next to the shower and then wrapped a big fluffy towel around him. Fortunately, the steam had been warming up the bathroom and it wasn't as cold in the room as it should be during the wintertime. Louis hated the cold. The climate might be the only thing Louis was really missing about LA.

He quickly dressed. Black jeggings and a long sleeve t-shirt were good enough. A short blow with the hairdryer and his hair was ready to be styled. He checked the time. Half six. He decided to go downstairs anyway. He pulled a beer from the fridge and went outside to have a cigarette. The crispness of the air made him shiver and as soon as he had finished, he snuck back inside. Louis flopped down onto the couch waiting for Zayn. It might be here a while though, he thought.

Louis was on his third beer when Zayn finally arrived, beer in his hand looking quite the model. He was also wearing tight black jeans and a t-shirt, with his black hair combed into a quiff. He always managed to look so effortlessly styled - no wonder modeling agencies around the world were fighting for him. He really could have made a fortune from modeling but he had settled for only doing a few photoshoots every now and then. With those gigs he was able to finance his real passion, being a full time artist.

They finished their beers, sitting on the couch, music playing in the background. Louis was feeling restless again. His foot was bouncing nervously against the floor and his fingers were ripping off the label on the bottle. As soon as he had emptied it Louis jumped off the couch.

“Shall we go?” he asked Zayn, trying not to sound too anxious. “I’ll just take the bottles to the kitchen.”

Zayn nodded and handed his to Louis. Once he was alone in the kitchen he put the bottles down and leant against the counter trying to relax a bit. It really wasn’t helping. He opened the fridge slowly and stared inside a while before taking out a bottle of water. He slammed the door closed and made a beeline towards the front door.

Zayn was already outside smoking a cigarette and Louis joined him. They smoked their fags lazily, clouds of smoke filling the air. Afterwards, it didn’t take long for them to get a cab and soon they were sitting silently in the backseat.

Louis was just relieved to get out of the house. And he was with Zayn so he wouldn’t do anything stupid, like last night. Two nights in a row would be too much for him to handle right now. He couldn't understand why he just kept doing it over and over again, even knowing how guilty and ashamed it made him feel. But the urge was always so strong and it made him feel so powerless, so useless, so weak.

Louis awoke from his thoughts when he felt a small nudge to his arm.

“We’re here.” Zayn said as Louis realised the cab was already parked in front of the bar. He reluctantly climbed out into the chilly February air.

The bar was still quite empty, just a few groups having after-work drinks. They sat in the booth near the pool tables. They checked the menus and Zayn saved time and made his way to give their orders to the waitress at the bar before coming back carrying two beers. They chatted about this and that while waiting for their pizza to arrive, keeping the conversation light - Zayn not bringing up the play once. Louis was thankful for that. Certainly, they would talk about it later, but tonight Zayn was giving Louis what he needed.

A break.

It didn’t take long before the waitress brought their piping hot pizza to the table. It smelled delicious and suddenly Louis was feeling quite hungry. After giving it a bit more thought, he realised he might not have eaten anything at all today. He really had this bad habit of not eating when something stressful happened. Like now.

After they had finished their pizza, Louis stood up and clapped his hands together.

“Alright, Malik. I just have to wee. I’ll get us some shots when I come back and then it’s time to kick your arse at pool.” Louis announced before strutting away.

They played for a good couple of hours, downing a row of shots every now and then. By now, the place had started to fill up and apparently there was also some live music in the back section of the bar. The booze they had already consumed was really starting to kick in and Louis wanted to dance. The music in this place wasn’t right. It needed to be loud and fast.

On his way back from the loo, he suddenly felt someone pushing him from behind, making him lose his balance. Instead of falling on the sticky floor, he bumped into someone tall standing in front of him. The guy turned around and took a quick look at Louis.

Then he just kept staring as Louis stared back. Because, fuck. This creature standing in front of him was the most beautiful thing Louis had ever seen. He was wearing a pink shirt and black jeans painted onto his long, lean legs. He had chocolate brown, short and slightly curly hair and big, oddly familiar looking, green eyes. The guy's face was so pale and Louis thought he was going to faint. And then Green Eyes started to blush, shifting awkwardly towards the bar counter. Someone was very loudly calling out “H” in the background. Louis waited a bit, but Green Eyes didn’t turn around again. The encounter was over.

“Pretty in pink.” Louis muttered to himself before he walked over to the pool table where Zayn waited for him. They took their coats and walked outside where they smoked cigarettes before hailing a cab. While sitting in the backseat on their way to the club, Louis was scrolling lazily through his Twitter. His mind was circling around that handsome, pink wearing stranger. There was something about him he just couldn’t figure out. Like he had seen him somewhere, but wasn’t able to pinpoint where. And then…

Something caught his drunken attention.

It was a tweet on his timeline saying simply “New York, New York.” He checked the sender of the tweet and suddenly a lightbulb went off in his head. H. Louis remembered the loud scream from inside the bar.

H like Harry Styles?

Louis clicked the profile picture larger and yes, the guy in it looked very much like Green Eyes. Was that gorgeous man in the bar really the same kid from the X-Factor loo?

What a glow up, Louis must admit. Not that he hadn’t been quite… hmm… memorable back then but now he was totally on another level.

Yeah, Louis was pretty sure he was right on this and the guy’s reaction was only strengthening his belief. Louis opened his DM’s and sent him a simple question “Did I just bump into a ghost from the past?” before putting his phone away.

The club they arrived at was small, exclusive and humid. The music was loud and electric, beats echoed on the dance floor wickedly, pulsing through his head. And Louis danced. At some point, there was a guy dancing with him. His hands were hot and his eyes were green. Louis grabbed the guy’s hand and led him to the toilets.

Inside the stall, the guy kissed Louis before he dropped to his knees in front of him. It was hot and messy. The guy’s mouth on his dick and the green eyes staring at Louis. Louis closed his own eyes. These weren’t the eyes he wanted to see. He let his thoughts wander to the other loo years ago. There were also green eyes involved, much brighter and much more innocent. And very pink, plump lips. The thought of Harry’s lips finally pushed Louis over the edge.

Louis lent a helping hand to the other guy, and kissed him chastely goodbye, before washing his hands and making his way back to the dance floor. Suddenly, he wasn’t feeling so good anymore. Shame crept swiftly into his mind and he was very self-aware and not in a good way. He just pushed all the thoughts to the back of his mind. A few more shots and more loud music. That was all he needed. Louis did what he could.

He danced himself into oblivion.


	5. Chapter 5

[Tuure Kilpeläinen - Ystävänpäivä](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r0pehvh4tCE)

Harry

February, 2017

Harry was laying on the couch, Blue curling up on his belly. He had just finished his weekly FaceTime session with his mum. They texted each other during the week, sometimes even spoke on the phone but it wasn’t always so easy because of the difference in time zones. That’s why they had set out from the beginning that on weekends they always FaceTimed. It was a very comforting tradition and Harry couldn’t remember if they had ever skipped a single one of those. It wasn’t just Anne, he usually talked to Robin if he was there too. If nothing else, he was shouting comments and opinions from the near distance. Sometimes Gemma was there too if she was visiting Holmes Chapel.

But mainly it was their Anne-Harry time, and they wouldn’t have it any other way. Harry loved those precious moments but everytime they finished a wave of homesickness struck him. No matter how much he loved his life in New York, it was the place he wanted to be but the end of the calls always reminded him that his family was thousands of miles away and he missed them deeply.

Today Harry was feeling even more melancholic than ever. The entire week after his birthday party had flown by. Harry couldn’t believe it was already Saturday and Niall had flown to Los Angeles just yesterday.

“Now it’s just the two of us.” Harry said aloud to Blue while petting her fluffy fur. He had known this day was coming so why the hell was he behaving like he was never going to see Niall again? For fucks sake! He was a twenty three year old man who was crying after his mum and his roommate/best friend. He just needed to get a grip and stop being pathetic.

Harry closed his eyes and let his thoughts wander back to last weekend. He still couldn’t believe he had bumped into Louis Tomlinson in some random bar. Of all the people, it had to be him. The entire encounter still felt like a dream. Or a nightmare, Harry couldn’t decide. The whole situation had been so absurd and he hadn’t had any idea what to say or do. He had been totally frozen and just stared at him. It was like déjà vu from the past that he had tried to forget.

He could still hear Niall calling his name from somewhere. His own eyes drilling into Louis’ very blue and very drunk, may he add, eyes. He hadn’t known how many different feelings were possible to go through simultaneously. The answer: many. His heart had been fluttering so hard, it was a miracle it’s still inside his chest. He had been blushing like a mad man, and he could feel all the blood disappear from his face. How was that even possible?

Louis had been staring back at him like he was trying to figure something out. Of course, he didn’t connect Harry to that awkward kid from the X-Factor toilets seven years earlier and Harry had been glad about that. Kind of. He had just wanted to disappear, but at the same time, some part of him had hoped Louis would have recognised him.

And of fucking course, his body had decided to take it to another level, because the next thing Harry knew, all the blood from his brain was heading south and got kind of stuck in his midsection. The bar had been crowded and Louis was wasted so nobody even saw it. But still.

Dear God…

No, Harry didn’t let himself think about it anymore. Absolutely not.

Had it been successful? Of course not.

All fucking week he had been embarrassed and horny. Mostly the latter because Louis, without a doubt, was still the most beautiful man in the world. Even if he had looked wasted, exhausted and a bit skinnier than he used to be, he was still gorgeous. And he had eyes Harry would die for. Easily.

But it seemed that during this week Harry had found a time machine which has returned him to an era when he was still a teenager. A very horny one indeed. He couldn't even remember how many times he had wanked to images of Louis standing in front of him in the X-Factor toilet while Harry had been kneeling at his feet. But this time there weren’t any urinals, pee or embarrassment. It was just hot and steamy and ended, each time, with Harry spilling his load onto the walls of his shower moaning Louis’ name.

Harry felt his dick twitch in his pants just thinking about his own wanks. He really was hopeless. Much worse than he had been when he actually was a teenager. Before the situation escalated he was saved by the bell, literally, when his phone went off. Glenne.

Are we still going tomorrow? What time and where do you wanna meet? It opens at two. Let me know. x

Harry growled aloud. Glenne had asked earlier this week if Harry wanted to come with her to some exhibit of a young, up and coming artist. They liked to visit galleries and museums together but this time it was more about getting himself out of the apartment. He really wasn’t in the mood to go there but he needed something to do tomorrow. Otherwise he would just spend another day ruminating over things he couldn’t control. He has allowed himself today for that and it had to be enough. He went to his messages and sent Glenne his answer.

Washington Sq Park at one? We could grab coffee before going?

It took her less than a minute to reply. Ok. See you tomorrow. x

Harry was still holding the phone in his hand as he opened the Twitter app. He scrolled lazily down his timeline to see if anything interesting had happened. Apparently it was a quiet day in the news and soon he was met with tweets he had already read. He stopped and hesitated a bit before letting his thumb press the DM button.

Yep. It was still there. It was like he had to see it with his own eyes otherwise he would think he was hallucinating. Maybe he still was. The whole thing felt so unreal. Had he said that before?

The message read, ‘Did I just meet a ghost from the past?’ It had been sent on Friday 3rd of February, 23:17. By @Louis_Tomlinson.

Harry had almost choked on his water the next morning when he had read it for the first time. He had a massive hangover and reading the DM didn’t exactly help. Not at all. The next thing he knew, he was hugging the toilet and puking his guts out. Was it the message or the countless drinks he had consumed last night? Perhaps both, but the next few hours really weren’t much fun. When the vomiting had finally stopped he had been so tired that he had slept until evening. That had also been a mistake and as a consequence, he hadn’t slept that following night at all.

He had just been reading the message over and over again. What did it mean?

Apparently Louis had recognised him after all. Should Harry DM him back? Would it be stupid if he had answered him one day later? What would he even write?

“Hey! Yes, it’s me. The guy who peed on your shoe seven years ago and saw your dick while I had my dick whipped out whilst kneeling in front of you. How fun is that. PS. Just got a boner when I saw you last night.”

Yeah, that would definitely be an eloquent way to respond.

And why the hell was Louis Tomlinson messaging him in the first place?

So, Harry did what he does best. He ignored it. He just wasn’t good at initiating contact with people, and in this particular case, the boy he had had a hopeless crush on for many years. Anyway, with Louis being straight, what would be the point?

Nonetheless, it didn’t make the situation any easier. Louis had also been so hammered then he probably wouldn’t even remember sending any messages to him. In fact, he probably regretted it in the morning.

Why did it have to be so difficult? It had been a week since the incident and it still haunted him all the time, making him feel like a brainless idiot.

He hadn’t mentioned Louis to anyone. Not that he bumped into him (or had it been him bumping Harry) nor about the message he received. The whole encounter had been over in less than a minute, even if in Harry’s head it had seemed to last an eternity.

When he had felt his growing situation, he had turned away trying to hide it. That gesture had stirred Louis from his trance and Harry had just heard him mumble something unintelligible before retreating towards the pool tables. Harry had slumped against the bar afterwards, trying to catch his breath.

“You alright?” He heard Niall’s voice behind him as he straightened himself up.

“Uhh, yeah. I just… umm… I think I… umm…spilled my drink on me?” Harry babbled. “I’m just gonna pop to the loo. To clean it. Yeah.”

Niall had been looking at him strangely but didn’t say anything. “K. Just wanted you to know we have a table in the back room. Kate is already sitting there.” Just before he left, he turned around one more time and asked, furrowing his eyebrows “Are you sure you’re okay? You look a bit peaky.”

“Yeah, I’m fine. I’ll be back in just a minute.”

Harry had rushed to the restrooms, straight into the first available stall and slammed the door closed. He slid the lid down and sat on it, leaning his elbows on his knees. He lowered his head and let it fall against his palms. In and out. In and out. In and out. Yoga classes had finally paid off as he managed to get his breathing normalised. He had let out one big puff of air before standing up.

His knees felt a little shaky when he had been weeing. The problem he had before was gone and he even managed to aim in the right place this time. Maybe I’m learning, he laughed dryly to himself. After washing his hands and splashing cold water on his face for the second time that night, he had made his way to find the others. Jeff and Glenne had already been there and Harry had squashed into the booth next to them.

“Shot?” Niall asked him. Harry nodded and shoved one down. And a second. And quite a few other drinks beside them. While he was drinking he didn’t have time to think about Louis Tomlinson. And there weren’t many other thoughts in his head, so he just kept drinking. Ed’s gig was a tad blurry but Harry danced through it anyway. And when Ed had joined them afterwards, he had looked a little blurry too.

“Edward!” Harry slurred. Why hadn’t anyone ever told him Ed was a twin, Harry thought as he narrowed his eyes, trying to get a better look at the both of them. Bizarre.

“H, Happy Birthday! Sorry I couldn’t make it to your dinner.” One of the Sheeran brothers said.

“What dinner?” Harry asked, confused.

“Your birthday dinner. Tonight.” Ed laughed. And where the hell did that other twin go? They hadn’t even been introduced yet. Rude.

“Oh. Umm. Of course. That.” Harry answered with uncertainty. What the fuck was he talking about? They were in a bar, not at a dinner party.

He aimed his gaze towards Ed trying to get him to appear sharper, but no, still blurry. Weird, he thought. Maybe it was the lighting, because the whole place looked quite vague, to be honest. They really should do something to fix it. He slumped into the nearest seat and took a big gulp of the red drink close to him.

The next thing he remembered was waking up in his own bed the next morning, feeling like he was about to die. At least he hoped he was going to die, because it would actually be really helpful right now. His head was pounding and the taste in his mouth was ineffable. He carefully opened his eyes and moved his head to see the time illuminated on the alarm clock sitting on the nightstand.

Mistake! Bad mistake.

No moving, then. He tapped the bed lightly trying to feel around next to him. It was empty. For one, he was alone which in this case was good. He moved on and the next thing he found was his phone.

10.30 am

Harry couldn’t remember the last time he had slept so late. He should get up. And water, he really needed water. There should be a bottle on his bedside table if he only dared… Very, very slowly he managed to maneuver himself into a position where he was able to reach his elixir of life. One little twist and he was half sitting on his bed. The first gulps of water to his dry mouth felt like drops from heaven, thinking maybe he was going to live after all. And then he opened Twitter…

Harry put his phone away and sighed. He should do something else other than chase the hair of the dog by opening a bottle of red even though it sounded so tempting. That would only get him drunk by noon and he’d end up singing ”All by myself” the Bridget Jones way before three in the afternoon. It wasn’t a pretty picture and he wasn’t feeling that desperate.

Yet.

He needed a plan. A good one. Which wouldn’t include pizza, ice cream or red wine. They were all saved for later with his Friends marathon. What a dilemma he had. One of the reasons Harry loved New York was there was always something to do. The problem now was, Harry didn’t know what he wanted to do.

He looked out of the window, the weather seemed fairly sunny. Maybe he just should go running. Harry usually didn’t have any problem with exercise but today everything felt extra difficult. Finally, he stood up with Blue still in his hold and walked to the bedroom. Harry carefully put her on the bed before starting to look for his tracksuit. It didn’t take long and soon he was fully dressed. With a quick kiss to Blue’s head, he was ready to go.

As soon as he was outside and took the first breaths of fresh air he felt himself cheer up a little. This was definitely the right choice, he thought.

Harry loved to run in Central Park, but he would have needed to take a subway to get there. Many times in the summer, he walked there, but it was a bit too chilly today and he wanted to start running as soon as possible to keep himself warm. He decided to go to Hudson River Park instead. He placed his earphones in, turned the music on and started promptly walking towards the riverside. It didn’t take more than ten minutes for him to get there. He joined the runners and headed south. The nice weather had assembled quite a crowd of people to enjoy this sunny winter day.

Streaming music helped him pace his speed when he emptied his mind and just ran. When he arrived at Battery Park, he made a U-turn and made his way back home. He stopped briefly in a nearby Seven Eleven to buy ice cream for the evening. Even though his spirits were much higher now than earlier, he was still going to stick to his plans. And those plans definitely needed a certain frozen delicacy.

Ben and Jerry’s found its way to the freezer and Harry to his own shower. A hot shower after a chilly jog was exactly what he needed. Afterwards, he didn’t even bother putting clothes on. He was on his own now, so why not take advantage of it? If someone wanted to take a look inside their flat, they would need binoculars. If someone was up for it, then just go ahead. Harry wouldn’t mind. He wanted his naked Saturday.

And that’s what he got. He spent the day cooking himself lunch, then going through his latest photos, editing and deleting them. Later he played guitar, listened to some music and sang his heart out. The day which had started rather ruefully turned into one of the best days he’s had for a while. Maybe being alone wasn’t always a bad thing after all.

When day turned into night, he ordered a margherita pizza, opened his favourite bottle of red and curled up on the corner of the big couch with Blue next to him. He switched the TV on, picked his favourite episode of Friends and just enjoyed himself. The cookie dough ice cream later was the icing on the cake to his perfect evening. He could get used to this.

The next morning he got a reminder of why he didn’t have nights like the previous one very often. It looked like he had swallowed a balloon, he felt so bloated. No carbs today, he decided. A smoothie before the gym and then an omelet for late breakfast. He even managed to do his grocery shopping without rushing before meeting Glenne at the Park. He was the first one there, as he tended to be most of the time, no matter who he was meeting. It was just a habit, more than anything else.

It was colder than yesterday and Harry was pleased to see Glenne arriving fairly soon after him. After greetings, they started to walk towards SoHo. They found a nice little café and stepped inside. The hot chocolate was tempting but he opted for coffee. No carbs, he reminded himself. He normally didn’t follow any strict diets, just basic healthy food. But every now and then his body just needed a little bit more cleansing, like after yesterday’s junk food overdose.

There was an empty table near to the window where they settled. They sat quietly for a couple of minutes just stirring their piping hot drinks before Glenne carefully asked.

“So… How are you feeling? Now that Niall has left?” She had avoided the subject while they walked but it was something Harry had expected her to ask about.

“At the moment, I’m actually good. Yesterday morning not so much. But yeah, it got better. I will survive.” Harry grinned. “How about you? You’re in the same situation when Jeff is gone too. He is your boyfriend, perhaps I should be more worried about you than you are for me.”

“Nah, I’m fine. I’m so used to his job taking him all over the world all the time. It’s been the same the whole time we’ve been together. Niall isn’t the first person he’s managed. The biggest person of course, but not the first one.” She answered like it really wasn’t a big deal.

And Harry knew she meant it. He had known them for about three years now. Ever since Jeff became Niall’s manager they’d all gotten along very well, especially with Glenne. Jeff seemed to be on the move all the time. They also had a house in Los Angeles and a flat in London. Money really wasn’t an issue for Jeff, or lack of it anyway. Even if Glenne had a job she could easily do it wherever she was, she preferred staying in New York or LA most of the time instead of accompanying Jeff wherever he went. It sounded like a healthy relationship, not giving up your own career in order to follow your partner all the time. Of course, she did tag along sometimes, but not all the time.

“But isn’t it hard to be away from him so much?” Harry wanted to know. “Because I don’t know if it would work for me. Given that I had a boyfriend to start with.”

“You don’t know that. Every relationship is different and sometimes things you assumed beforehand that you would never do, or they wouldn’t fit you, might be turned upside down when you meet the right person. Like me. Before I met Jeffrey, I never thought I would end up in a long distance relationship, but here I am. Still going strong after eight years.”

“So never say never, Harry.” She finished her speech smiling at him.

The conversation slowly shifted to other topics but Harry still thought about it. Would he ever find it? The ‘Right Person’ Glenne was talking about. It hasn’t exactly been a success so far. Not even close. The longest ”relationship” Harry had so far had lasted two months. Tops. It wasn’t like he hadn’t had candidates to fill the ”boyfriend of Harry Styles” position if he had wanted.

But it didn’t matter how much Harry wanted to have a boyfriend he didn’t want it just because he wanted someone beside him. No, he also wanted it to feel special. And so far, no one had made him feel like that. It probably isn't a big surprise for anyone to hear that it was usually Harry who ended things before they got serious because he didn’t want the other person to get hurt so he opted to back off instead. Sighing heavily he finished the monologue going in his head and moved his gaze back to Glenne who was already watching him.

”Stop worrying, H. When you stop looking for love, it will find you. When things are meant to happen, they will. Just enjoy your life here and now.” She said as if reading Harry’s mind.

“I don’t worry.” He started with a tad of hesitation in his voice. “Umm… I mean maybe I wouldn’t use word worry. I know I think about it way too much. But I don’t even get it why this whole situation bothers me so much. Because it shouldn’t. It shouldn’t!” Harry continued frustration being now present in his tone.

“I just sound like some ungrateful brat complaining about my non-existent love life when I have so many things to be thankful for. So many of my dreams have come true. I have a job I love, I live in New York in a flat I never thought I could live in, I have the best family and friends in the world and I’m really happy most of the time. I really am! And still I keep on whining!” Harry said, running his fingers through his short hair.

“You are not ungrateful and you know that. And it’s ok to be sad from time to time. It’s a part of being human. And right now, you are in some kind of transition in your life with Niall. There are those other things too, but Niall being away affects your life on a daily basis. Even if it isn’t a totally new situation I still think it reflects your feelings more this time.” Glenne assured him.

“I guess you’re right about this Niall situation. Him going on tour for God knows how long, my birthday, upcoming Valentine’s day… All kinds of moments you’d like to have someone to be with for. And then there is you Jeff and Kate and Niall. And then there is me. Don’t get me wrong, you never make me feel like a fifth wheel on purpose. And I love you all but sometimes my mind just triggers me feeling like one.” Harry tried to explain his feelings and hoped he didn’t just insult his friend.

“It’s understandable, you know. I get why you feel like that. I know it’s not always easy to get to know new people, but you should give a try. To make new friends other than us. I’m not trying to get rid of you,” she laughed “but maybe getting some new single friends would ease your mind and burst the bubble where you think everyone else has significant others. And more than anything, maybe to realise that you are the one who makes you happy. Live more and stress less, H.”

“When did a cup of coffee turn into a full blown therapy session?” Harry gave a laugh.

“That’s what friends are for.” Glenne said, winking and squeezing his hand firmly. “Always.”

“Thank you for that. Really. What you just said made a lot of sense. Maybe I should keep my eyes open to meet new people. It doesn’t hurt anyone, right?” Then Harry raised his almost empty coffee mug saying. “To friendships, old and new ones!”

“To friendships!” Glenne cheered too. “And to new beginnings!”

They left soon after, the walk to the gallery not taking too long. While they waited for the lift to take them to the upper floor where the exhibit was located, Harry asked Glenne about the artist. She had told him a bit about it earlier, but Harry hadn’t really paid attention to it.

“This is the artist’s first solo exhibit.” She stepped inside the lift. “He’s young and talented, and already quite well known in New York. Today is the opening day so it might be busy. And of course, he is here too. So we might have a chance to talk to him at some point.”

They entered a spacious room filled with soft chatter. There was a small cloakroom in the corner where they were able to leave their overcoats before exploring the showroom. Someone had shoved flutes of bubbly into their hands shortly after entering the room. The paintings in the room were bold and bright, they felt like rays of sunshine in the middle of winter. There were smaller ones too, but most of them were almost graffiti style paintings dividing the room into smaller sections. They were now standing in front of the largest one. It was really amazing. Blazing colours of orange and red on the background and then there was a globe shaped, icy looking object painted on foreground that captivated his attention.

“What was the name of the artist again? I think I missed it.” Harry asked, still staring at the masterpiece before him.

“His name is Zayn Malik.” A weird sound escaped Harry’s throat when he heard Glenne’s answer. Suddenly he felt as hot and cold as the painting in front of him. Because no. It couldn’t be. Not the same Zayn Malik he had read about in so many articles during the years. The best friend of -

“Well, well, well…!” Harry almost broke his neck whipping his head around so fast to find the source of the voice. One he would have recognized even in his dreams. Or perhaps, especially in his dreams. Because the owner of that oh so unique voice had been quite a regular guest star in his night time solo adventures.

And there he was now. Louis fucking Tomlinson. Looking sassy as hell and gorgeous as ever. He was wearing black skinny jeans, a dark red jumper and vans. His brown fringe was messy, his skin was glowing in colours of caramel and the bluest eyes Harry had ever seen, were staring back at him attentively.

“It was you then, wasn’t it? Last weekend.” Louis Tomlinson stated, making Glenne look curiously at Harry. She didn’t ask anything. Now. But later she undoubtedly would.

“Ummm…” Harry answered smartly. “I… Umm… Eh…” Then he just gave up and settled for a nod.

“It took me a while to identify you. You have grown quite a bit.” Louis Tomlinson continued, eyes still drilling into Harry’s.

“Yeah.” Harry managed to get the first proper word out of his mouth. Their conversation was definitely improving.

Harry must have looked horrified, because the next thing he heard Louis Tomlinson say was, ”Hey mate, just relax. I’m not going to bite you, you know.” He said, face looking a bit softer now.

I want you to bite me, Harry’s brain was screaming. And no! No biting at all. Definitely no. Harry’s eyes were gazing at collarbones that the sinful scoop neck was showing off. They looked delicious and Harry wanted to taste them. A lot…

A single cough from Glenne cut off his thoughts. Oh shit. He should say something. Anything. Just get a fucking grip now, Styles, and talk to him!

“Umm. Yeah. Umm, I know. I mean, you won’t bite me.” He started before he was suddenly interrupted by a brown haired guy appearing next to Louis Tomlinson. He was a little bit taller and buffer than Louis and he had kind, warm brown eyes.

“Louis, there you are! You didn’t say anything to me, you just disappeared.” The puppy-eyed guy said.

“Well, I thought you were distracted and wouldn’t even notice.” Louis Tomlinson said, making his friend flush. “And, I bumped into someone I wanted to say hello to.” He said, nodding and winking towards Harry.

“Oh, have we met before?” The puppy-eyed guy asked Harry.

“No, we haven’t. My name’s Harry.” Harry introduced himself and then Glenne, “And this is my friend Glenne.”

“My name is Piam Lay –” he stopped in the middle of the sentence when he noticed something behind Harry. Louis Tomlinson burst into laughter and made the poor guy flush even more, but he still kept on glancing at something. Or should he say someone, Harry corrected silently after taking a look behind him.

Zayn Malik.

Harry had seen many pictures of him, but after seeing him in the flesh, the pictures just didn’t do him justice. If that was at all possible. He was walking towards them looking like an Arabian Prince. Pitch black hair cut short leaving the top a little messy, dark eyes combined with an olive complexion and dark stubble. He was wearing all black; trousers, a turtleneck and blazer. He was one hell of a good looking guy, but not exactly Harry’s type.

But he might be the puppy-eyed guy’s type judging by his behavior. It looked like Harry wasn’t the only one with difficulties confronting gorgeous looking guys. Interesting.

“Well, Piam. After your very successful introduction, let me introduce myself to these lovely people.” Louis Tomlinson said grinning to his friend.

“My name is Louis Tomlinson, nice to meet you.” He said to Glenne and then turned to Harry. “I don’t think we have ever been officially introduced to each other. Have we?”

Harry gulped and said “No, I don’t think so…?” He stared at him quietly for a bit. Oh, did he mean they should do it now?

“Harry Styles” He said and leaned his hand towards Louis Tomlinson and grasped his smaller hand into his own. It was warm and fit so well with Harry’s. Harry never wanted to let go.

“I’m Louis Tomlinson, but you can call me Tommo. Or Louis. Whatever you prefer.”

Louis. Harry tasted the name, rolled it around on his tongue silently, becoming increasingly drawn to its magnetism and had to snap himself back to reality lest he become consumed by it.

“And I’m Liam Payne, like I was saying before my rude friend interrupted me. It’s nice to meet you too.” The puppy guy, or Liam, said.

“I interrupted you? Really, Liam? So, it had nothing to do with Zayn?” Louis Tom…. Louis mocked him, a Cheshire cat grin spread across his face.

Poor Liam didn’t have time to respond before the man approached them. He introduced himself briefly to Harry and Glenne, nodded to Louis and gave a shy smile to Liam while running a hand through his quiff, disturbing the tresses so a few fell forward down onto his forehead. Something was definitely going on between those two.

Zayn was friendly, but he seemed to be very quiet. He was softly answering their questions while they talked about the exhibit, but for once he wasn’t the one starting the conversation. Maybe he was just shy. Zayn didn’t spend much time with them before he had to move on. It was his show and he was expected to mingle around. Soon he nodded to them politely and to Louis he said. “See you at home.”

Liam was in the middle of deciding where to go, but ended up following Zayn. Louis winked at him and the poor guy was reddening again. Harry was sympathising with him very much. Soon after Liam took off, Glenne excused herself to the restrooms, giving Harry an encouraging nod towards Louis. New friends, she mouthed before she disappeared.

Right. Friends. Fuck. Harry hadn’t expected that making new friends would include Louis Tomlinson. Louis. His biggest crush ever. Who was standing in front of him. Waiting for Harry to say something.

You can do it, he reassured himself.

“Umm… So, you live in New York?” Was the first thing that came to Harry’s mind.

Louis hesitated a little before he nodded “Yeah, I’ve lived here a while now, actually.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be nosy. I didn’t think at all.” Harry said panic in his voice.

“No, no. It’s alright. You can ask questions. I may not answer them, but, yes. You can ask me whatever you want.” Louis said. There was a short pause in his speech, like he was considering what to say next. Harry didn’t say anything, just waited for Louis to continue.

“Look, I don’t know if I’m making assumptions here. I’m sorry if I am.” Louis started. “You seem like a decent guy, Harry. But right now you seem to be terrified of me. And if I remember correctly, I think you previously stated you had a crush on me.” I still have! Harry wanted to shout, his face now resembling the colour of a tomato.

“I don’t want to sound arrogant, but maybe you’ve put me on a pedestal and that’s why you’re so nervous all the time. Because I really don’t need that. I’m just like you, a normal bloke. And I would really appreciate it if you could relax when you’re with me.” Louis’ voice sounded sad when he spoke. Almost like he was pleading with Harry to treat him like anyone else in the room.

There was a lump in Harry’s throat and he gulped trying to make it disappear.

“I hope I didn’t offend you or anything. It wasn’t my intention.” Louis said hesitantly. He was really expecting Harry to answer him. You can do this, he convinced himself once again.

“Umm… No. Like, no, you didn’t offend me. Or anything.” Harry cleared his throat and continued “And I think you have a point. I was a big fan of yours. I still am and I just seem to freeze every time I see you. But I can try. Yeah.” Harry finished and gave Louis a weak smile. He was smiling back and his face looked somewhat relieved. Maybe.

That was the moment Glenne returned from the restroom, a fresh application of matte red lip tint applied with precision across her lips. The place was getting more crowded all the time and she accidentally bumped into Louis.

“Oohh!” He shouted, holding on his wrist.

“Omigod, I’m so so sorry. Did I hurt you?” Glenne said worriedly.

“No, no. I just hurt me wrist yesterday playing footie with the lads. I’m fine, it’s just a bit sore.” He explained.

“Football? You were playing football here? Like soc –“ Harry was cut off sharply.

“Don’t you dare to say soccer! You are British, for fucks sake. Like we would ever talk about football meaning anything else than football. It’s like choosing coffee over tea.”

“I…” Harry started, but soon snapped his mouth shut. But Louis caught on what he was about to say.

“Oh my God. I don’t know what to say. I’m very, very disappointed, young Harold. I can’t believe what I just heard.” Louis said dramatically holding his temples. Still shaking his head, he continued. “But, if you are interested in playing football,” he lifted his eyes now staring into Harry’s “we usually play footie on Saturdays at Hudson River Park. There are a couple of pitches where we can play, if the weather permits, of course. So, if you want to join us sometime, just give me your number and I’ll text you the details.”

Harry could feel Glenne giving him an encouraging shove on his arm.

“Yeah, I’d like that. If it’s not a problem. Like I don’t want to intrude or anything, if you’ve got set teams or what have you.” He heard himself saying

“How could you be intruding, if I personally invited you” Louis asked him, stretching out his hand “Now, if you have quite finished, would you kindly hand me your phone?”

Harry fumbled around his pocket for a moment and dug out his phone and gave it to Louis. He watched as he pushed the keys a dozen or so times. Finally, he made a quick phone call, apparently to himself, because his phone went off. He handed the back to Harry saying:

“I’ll text you, yeah? Enjoy the exhibit.” He said and then he was gone.

“What was that? Did I miss something?” Glenne asked him curiously.

Harry was still staring at his phone, astonished. He had no idea what had just happened, but it made him smile. Maybe this was a new start. Like he had been talking about with Glenne earlier. Living his life instead of worrying what he doesn’t have. Harry thought about his answer. And when he finally had it, it was simply.

“I’m making new friends.”


	6. Chapter 6

[ Abba - Dancing Queen ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xFrGuyw1V8s)

  
  


Louis

February, 2017

Louis played the last notes on the piano and leaned away from it. He let his shoulders relax and head fall towards his back. He joined his hands together behind his back, pushing his shoulder blades together. The stretch felt amazing. Louis had been playing piano and singing for almost three hours now. He needed a break and he definitely wanted to get some fresh air.

Ten minutes later he was pushing open the front door and stepping out into the wintery climate. He had his beanie pulled over his head and he was drowning in his winter coat as he started to walk towards Chelsea Market. He tried to convince himself that his choice to have coffee there had nothing at all to do with Harry possibly working there. 

And he absolutely didn’t admit that he may, or may have not been stalking Harry’s social media accounts.  _ If _ he had done it, he might have found out from his Instagram posts that they were fairly often tagged to a certain bakery located in Chelsea Market.  _ Obviously _ , Louis hadn’t done that, he just felt like going there. It was a nice place to check out, with many cafés. So, why not?

The weather was freezing. Louis tightened his scarf and quickened his pace. It didn’t take more than fifteen minutes for him to get there. Louis walked inside the building and opened his coat loosening his scarf. He really hated the additional dressing requirements of wintertime. If you had dressed for the outside, immediately after stepping back to inside, you were baking. No pun intended. He didn’t have much time to curse the issue before he noticed the sign he was looking for.

“The Bread Basket” was written in neat handwriting that fit together with the slightly dated decor. The place was relatively small and for the moment, still quiet. It was easy to imagine that when people head home after work in a few hours, the bakery would be much more hectic. And Louis could also see why. One wall was covered with different assortments of handmade baked goods. On the opposite side, displays were filled with a variety of sweet and savory delicacies, and the aromas wafting in the air were simply marvelous.

Louis joined the short queue. There was a middle aged woman behind the counter when it was Louis’ turn to make an order. He decided that he fancied a chicken sandwich and a cup of tea. The lady, “Liz” according to her name tag, eyed Louis a bit longer than necessary, but didn’t say anything.

“Umm, this might sound strange, but do you know if Harry Styles works here?” Louis hesitantly asked after paying his order.

“May I ask who is looking for him?” Liz answered, sounding curious.

_ Shit _ , he thought. He really didn’t want to say his name. “Umm, I’m his friend. Louis.” He said anyway.

“I’ll check. I think he’s still here. Just have a seat please and I’ll be back soon.” She said and made her way to the door leading to the back.

Louis sat at the empty table in the corner. It was his default to choose an isolated spot, far away from prying eyes. He laid the tray on the table and took off his dreadfully hot coat, hanging it on the back of the chair before sitting down. Louis was nibbling his sandwich when he heard the sound of footsteps approaching from behind him.

“Louis…?” He heard a low voice beckon. His voice, huskier than Louis remembered, immediately shrouded him with goosebumps.

Louis turned around smiling, answering with a soft, ”Hey, Harry.”

”Hi.” Harry responded with uncertainty. ”What are you doing here?”

”Oh, shit. I don’t mean that in a bad way. It’s nice to see you, but how’d you know I worked here?” Harry continued.

_ Fuck _ . Louis hadn’t really thought about this either.

”I – I might have noticed it on your Instagram…?” Louis answered after a little pause, grinning at Harry awkwardly. He could feel his cheeks heating up.

”You were stalking me?” Harry’s voice sounded almost delighted.

”I didn’t  _ stalk _ you. I was just browsing.” Louis lied.

”I didn’t know you followed me on Instagram…?” Harry smirked at him.

”I don –” Louis snapped his mouth shut.  _ Shit.  _ ”I was just browsing.” He repeated defiantly.

”Ok. Whatever you say.” Harry said, grinning at him smugly.

Louis scowled back at him, trying to keep a straight face, but it was a little harder than he thought when Harry smiled at him so widely that his dimples were popping out. Jesusfuckingchrist, how had he not noticed that Harry had dimples?

” _ Anyway _ .” Louis started, ignoring Harry’s last comment. ”I was just wondering, if you had time to sit with me for a while or is this a bad time?”

”Actually, my shift is just ending. I was just about to go change my clothes when Liz came. If you don’t mind, I could do it now and then join you after?” Harry suggested, sounding slightly unsure again. As if he was pushing the limits of their newly budding friendship.

”No, no. That sounds good. Just take your time. I’ll wait here. I don’t have any particular place to be today.” Louis hastened to answer, giving Harry an encouraging smile.

The younger man smiled back and said. ”Ok, be back soon.” And pivoted, directing his steps back towards the bakery.

He returned just shy of fifteen minutes later carrying a tray. He was wearing black jeans and a khaki green jumper combined with a matching colour beanie and black chelsea boots. Louis tried his best not to drool. He wasn’t very successful, to be honest. Because, yeah, Harry looked gorgeous.

He sat across from Louis smiling shyly.

”Hi. I decided to have something to eat too.” Pointing at his tray. ”I also got you a muffin. If you want it.”

After eating the sandwich Louis really wasn’t hungry, but he just nodded. How could he say no to this lovely boy with bright emerald eyes and pink cheeks.

”Thank you, Harry. It looks delicious.” He said instead.

”I got you more tea, too.” Harry said and when Louis gave him a questioning look, he added. ”I asked Lizzie what you were having. She made it the same way as the one you had before.”

”Oh. Thanks again.”

”No problem at all.” Harry smiled. Soon after his face suddenly reddened and started to crumble little. He stared at the table and fidgeted with his fingers awkwardly.

”What is it now, Harry? I thought we were over that fangirling, or whatever it is, thing.” Louis sighed.

”Yeah, yeah… But I… you know. I - I’m just so embarrassed…” Harry eventually blurted.

”Embarrassed over what?” Louis asked, confusion laced in his question.

”The… you know. The umm… X-Factor incident…” The words coming out of his mouth were barely a whisper. He kept staring at his fingers and he looked like he wanted to be anywhere else.

Louis huffed out a breath.

”Harry, please. That happened seven years ago. Why are you even still thinking about it?”

_ You wanked over that sight yesterday _ .

Louis shut the thought out of his mind and continued. ”Look, you can’t undo what’s done. Let’s just forget it happened? It’s not a big deal.” He tried to reassure Harry. Or himself. He wasn’t sure who really.

Finally, the younger boy raised his gaze.

”But it was just so fucking embarrassing!” He cried out. “I saw my biggest idol and humiliated myself in front of him in the worst possible way ever. All I wanted to do was die. And if that loo thing wasn’t enough, I got to the stage and saw you again. And I just froze. Totally. It was horrible!”

“Aren’t you exaggerating this a little? It really wasn’t as bad as you make it sound.” Louis tried to convince Harry.

“Ok, you weren’t there. You don’t know how it made me feel.” He said looking a bit irritated, like an angry lion cub or something when he leaned back in his seat. Instead of looking scary, he just looked endearing.

“Actually, I  _ was _ there. Don’t you remember?” Louis smirked.

A loud honk of laughter escaped from Harry’s pillowy lips. He quickly slapped his hand over his mouth and looked horrified, eyes all wide.

Louis burst out laughing.

“Oh my God.” Harry moaned dramatically. “I just… I don't believe this. Maybe, I should just throw myself under the bus if that would get me to stop embarrassing myself in front of you.” Harry said lifting his palms to rest over his face. He tried to sound dramatic, but Louis could see he was on the brink of laughing too.

“But I must admit, you really know how to make an unforgettable first impression, don’t you?” Louis said, lifting his eyebrows teasingly.

“Maybe I do then. I got you to follow me on Twitter after all.” Harry grinned. “Why did you do it, by the way? I have always wondered.”

“Why did I follow you? I did it because I was proud of you.” Louis answered honestly.

“Proud…? How come?” Harry asked suspiciously.

“Yes, Harry. Proud. You were so young and the way you handled the whole situation was quite amazing, truly. You had become a laughing-stock for the viewers by, sorry to say this, failing pretty badly in your audition.”

“Really… I didn’t even realise that…” Harry rolled his eyes.

Louis ignored him.

“But you didn’t let it crush you. You held your head up despite how embarrassed you felt. You were able to laugh at yourself. That impressed me and it was the reason why I pressed the follow button.” Louis said his gaze following Harry’s face.

“Oh. I always thought you did it out of pity.” He sounded amazed.

“What— No! You really should stop dismissing yourself. Even if your audition wasn’t the most successful, you should still be proud of yourself.” Louis ignored the urge to touch Harry’s hand and instead tore off a piece from his muffin to give his fingers something else to do.

“Yeah, I think I kind of am. I’m proud of what I have achieved in my life so far, you know. Even if there have been some obstacles along the way.” Harry said grinning.

“So, what have you done then? I assume it has something to do with baking.” Louis grinned back, breaking off a piece from the muffin top and popping it in his mouth.

“How ever did you get that impression?” Harry laughed. “But yeah, after the fiasco I decided baking was something that I wanted to do. I think music has always been dear to me but it was just a hobby. My friends pushed me to take part in the X-Factor. I did and what happened, happened. But it’s not a bad thing, because it made me realise how much I love to bake.” Harry explained eyes shining.

“So, you don’t do music anymore?” Louis wanted to know.

“Of course, I do. I always will. But like I said, it’s just a hobby for me. I even do some gigs from time to time. But after seeing what Niall’s gone through and how hard the business really is, I’m just more convinced, it’s not for me.” Harry said in a more serious tone.

“Niall? Like Niall Horan from the X-Factor?” Louis asked in surprise.

“Yeah, he’s my best friend. And actually, I live with him here in New York. Or I usually live with him. He just started his world tour, so he’s going to be away for a good part of the year.” Harry explained.

That was definitely new information to Louis. Of course, Louis knew who Niall Horan was. He had been one of the judges who let him through and even if he hadn’t been, who wouldn’t have heard of one of the most popular pop stars at the moment. But what was interesting, was that Louis had never heard Harry’s name connected to Niall’s. Not that he ever read tabloids, but still. It was a good thing. 

Over the years, Louis had become very cautious when he met new people. Most of them seem to be with him only for the fame, not because of him. If Harry already had friends like Niall, he probably wasn’t after the first one. At least, Louis hoped so.

_ And it’s you who made the contact. Not him _ . Louis reminded himself.

”How did you end up in New York then?” Louis wanted to know next.

”I just fell in love with the City when I first visited here. I came back to study here and afterwards I got this job.” Harry waved his hand indicating the bakery. “I have been living here a couple of years now.”

”But isn’t it hard to get a job permit for regular jobs?” Louis asked before realising what he had just said. ”Shit, I didn’t mean to say it like that. I sound like a proper dickhead. Sorry. It’s just, I’ve read it’s very difficult to get those. I didn’t mean to underrate your job or anything.”

”Louis, it’s ok, I know what you meant. And you’re right too. But I actually have US citizenship, too. I was born in Chicago while my dad worked there. My sister was also born there. But we moved back to the UK when I was 9 months old. So, I really don’t remember it. But yeah, that’s why I’m able to work here.” Harry explained to Louis. He didn’t sound offended so there was a chance Louis didn’t screw it up totally.

”Well, that also explains the soccer question. You are a Yankee after all. I should have known.” Louis mocked the younger guy with a glint in his eyes.

”Speaking of  _ football _ , are you still interested in joining us on Saturday?” Louis asked and continued. “Weather should be quite ok, no snow. It’s a bit cold but when you wear enough clothes it's nice to play in. You don’t sweat as much.”

”Umm, sure. Although I haven’t played for a while. I don’t think I’m very good at it.” Harry said.

”Nah, you don't have to worry about it. We’re just playing it for fun. You really don’t have to be a professional to come along.” Louis reassured him.

”Yeah, if it’s ok, I’d really like to come.” Harry answered smiling bashfully.

”Good.” Louis said.

”Good.” The younger lad confirmed.

*

Harry didn’t lie about his skills at football, Louis noticed when they had gathered on Saturday afternoon for their footy session. Undoubtedly, he was physically in very good shape and Louis tried not to stare too much. Which wasn’t easy, to be fair. But football, for fuck sakes. The boy seemed like he had two left feet and coordinating them to work together was an impossible task. If he managed to run, or even walk, without tripping, it was a miracle. It was really clear that ball handling wasn’t Harry’s best talent. Maybe he was better with other kinds of balls…?

_Stop it now._ Louis shook his head. No balls. Absolutely not.

He just kept peeking at Harry from time to time, he looked  _ so _ adorable whilst trying to concentrate on the task at hand, his pink tongue poking out of his mouth. Louis almost died at that sight.

__

_ Stop acting like a lovesick puppy, _ he commanded himself.

Maybe lovesick was a bit too strong, but there definitely was something very mesmerizing about Harry. What Louis was feeling being with him, was something he hasn’t experienced in a long time. When he looked back at their tea date (well not  _ date _ , maybe meet-up or something) at the bakery a few days ago, it had been so laid-back. Like they had known each other for a long time. Certainly not something you would expect to have with someone who’s, for all intents and purposes, a total stranger. The coziness had led them to relax and somehow they had been chatting for almost three hours before they had realised how late it got. Time had just flown by.

Like in the bakery, Louis wasn’t ready to let Harry go right after they had finished playing. Because it was chilly, most of them had already disappeared and gone home, but Harry was still chatting with Liam.

“You could ask him to come with us to the pub.” Louis heard Zayn say to him.

“What – who…? Louis stumbled and could feel heat on his face and it had nothing to do with the football they’d played before. What was Zayn even talking about?

“Harry.” Zayn looked at him like it was obvious who he was talking about. Why would he expect Louis to get the hint. He wasn’t even staring at Harry.

“Wh—What?” Louis glared Zayn suspiciously.

“You have been checking him out for the last two hours. That is why I’m suggesting you ask him to come to the pub with us.” Zayn said slowly, as if Louis were a child who you had to explain simple things slower to get them to understand.

_ Maybe he had been staring then. _

“Do you think he noticed?” Louis quailed. 

“Harry? That you kept watching him?” Zayn smirked.  _ Bastard _ . Louis nodded anyway.

“Nah. Bambi was too focused on playing and not tripping over his new legs. So, you’re safe.” He answered before adding. “For now.”

Louis hated him.

“You’re interested in him then?” Zayn saw the expression on Louis' face morph into something undefined and carried on with a soothing voice. “It’s ok, you know. If you like him.”

Louis was about to deny everything, but remembered this was Zayn he was talking to. The guy who knew him better than anyone else.

“Yeah, ok. I like him.” He sighed. “But you also know, I can’t do anything about it.”

“Why—” Zayn started, but Louis raised his hand to interrupt him.

“Zayn. I just can’t. You know that. So, just please. Don’t.” Louis pleaded.

Zayn took a deep breath. “K. But I have to say I completely disagree with you. And  _ you _ know that.” Zayn looked at Louis in the eyes “But I’ll let it go. And – you can always be his friend. Just get to know him. You seem to get on well and he seems like a good lad.”

_ Friends _ . Louis could do that. He wants Harry to be his friend. 

_ Just _ a friend.

“Now, go and ask our new friend to join us at the pub.” Zayn told Louis who was already smiling widely.

“Yeah. I can do that.” Louis answered and made his way towards Harry and Liam, smile still flickering on his face.

Of course, Harry had said yes.

Because he is a pumpkin and he probably wasn’t able to say ‘no’ to anything. Despite that, Louis was happy to see him sitting next to him in the small pub in the West Village. This was a place they usually came to have a pint or two after their football sessions. It was a tradition, because football and a trip to the pub, they just go hand in hand. And this particular pub was something that always reminded them of England.

The tables and counters were made from dark wood with a lacquer coating to make them shine. There was a slightly lighter, but still warm coloured wood floor and burgundy walls where a couple of bookshelves loaded with old-looking leather bound books stood and old-fashioned landscape paintings were hanging about on the walls. It should have made the pub look dark and gloomy, but instead it made it feel cosy. And very British, too.

They all had their pints in front of them sipping them slowly, Britpop playing quietly in the background. The pub was still half empty and the atmosphere was almost tranquil. They sat quietly for a couple of minutes, just enjoying the bitter taste of their refreshing drinks.

Eventually, it was Zayn ( _ what? _ ), who started the conversation.

“So, Harry, how do you know our Louis here? He hasn’t told me much.” Zayn started with the subtlety of a shark attack.

Of fucking course, Zayn knew about how they met for the first time. The whole fucking  _ nation _ knew. Well, no one knew about their very first encounter, but the second one definitely.

Louis glared at his best mate whilst simultaneously watching Harry blushing visibly beside him.

“Ummm… I… We kind of –” Harry was sucking his bottom lip into his mouth while trying to answer Zayn’s question looking very adorable.

“Zayn knows how we met. Don’t you, Zaynie? He is just teasing you, Harry.” Louis said, trying to rescue Harry from answering Zayn’s questionable inquiry, but somehow that managed to increase the terror in Harry’s eyes.

_ Oh, oh, oh. No!  _ Louis realised what was going on in Harry’s mind.

“He  _ knows _ I was judging your audition, because we watched the show together later. He  _ knows _ you were a bit – starstruck?” Louis tried to convince Harry tapping his thigh reassuringly, giving him a quick look trying to say ‘Zayn only knew what everybody else knows. Nothing more.’

Harry was blushing even more vigorously, but the horror in his eyes was easing and changing to embarrassment.

“I really don’t know if I should be relieved or embarrassed that you all seem to know about  _ that _ .” He chuckled nervously.

“Sorry, I just couldn’t let the opportunity to remind you about this slip from my hands.” Zayn grinned. “Now, relax. Cheers!” Zayn raised his glass and the others followed suit, clanging their pints together.

Harry was again smiling, but kept glancing at Louis from time to time with wonder in his eyes. And finally, the bulb in Louis’ head lit up.

He was still touching Harry’s thick thigh. And after the realisation of where his hand lay, all he wanted to do was to squeeze it. So badly _. God._

Louis snatched his hand off rapidly, not daring to look at Harry.  _ Fuck _ . He needs to get a grip.  _ Now _ .

Liam and Zayn started questioning Harry and the conversation shifted to a lighter tone. Louis was relieved and also pleased at how easily Harry slipped into their group.

“You want another?” Louis raised his empty glass at Harry.

“Please.” Harry nodded briefly as Louis stood up to make his way to the counter.

“I’ll help you.” Zayn said and got up to follow him.

“So…?” Zayn asked when they were waiting for their orders.

“What do you mean ‘so’?” Louis turned to look at Zayn. “And stop smirking, you prat!”

“I’m not smirking.” His former best friend said with an even more smug look on his face. “You were just so nice and touchy with your new  _ friend _ , Lou. I’m happy for you.”

“I hate you!” Louis hissed at him when the bartender handed them their pints.

“Enjoy your private time with Harry! And Lou, you’re welcome.” Zayn winked and Louis watched his friend head towards the game machines. When Louis arrived at their table with his and Harry’s drinks in his hands, Liam excused himself and made a beeline towards Zayn.

Louis hated his friends.

Or loved them. He couldn’t decide.

“What’s going on with them?” Harry asked after a while and nodded towards Zayn and Liam who were standing very close to each other next to the game machine.

“Zayn and Liam? Honestly, I have no idea.” Louis answered, shrugging his shoulders. “It’s quite obvious that there is something going on between them. But if you ask them, they deny everything. But you see, Liam is like a fucking puppy, who follows Zayn everywhere, just to get a good scratch.” Louis surmised, winking at Harry.

Harry burst out laughing.

“Oi, you dirty sod!” Louis punched him in the arm, but Harry just kept laughing. It was impossible to look at that dorky man-child laughing whilst maintaining a straight face, so Louis started giggling too.

It was so easy and natural with Harry all the time. But it still took Louis by surprise when Harry asked about his plans for next week after they finished their second beer. Specifically asking if he was coming to visit the bakery again next week.  _ That _ wasn’t the surprise part. No. That came from Louis himself.

“I’d love to, but I have an audition on Tuesday. I think I have to run lines until the last minute.” The words just slipped out of his mouth. He hasn’t even told Lottie about this and now he told  _ Harry _ .

“You have?!? That’s awesome, Louis.” Harry yelled and clapped his hands together. Seriously. He was talking to a giant baby. A happy baby, though. But still.

“Yeah. I’m a bit nervous. It’s been a while – “ Louis gulped audibly. “since I have been to one.”

“You’re going to nail it. I know it. I’ve seen you in action.” Harry said, like it was as simple as that. He hesitated a moment before asking “May I ask what you’re auditioning for? You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.” He paused and before Louis had time to answer, he was speaking again.

“I really shouldn’t have asked. Sorry. I just know how Niall reacts when people always try to pry things out of him. Forget I asked, please.” Harry shook his head.

“Harry, it’s ok. You can ask if you want to. Sometimes there might be things I can’t or don’t want to answer. But you can always ask. And to answer your question, I have an audition in a Broadway musical.”

“Broadway!” Harry screamed hands slapping against his mouth soon after, but it had already caught Zayn and Liam’s attention. “Sorry,” He whispered. “That just came out. I couldn’t help it.”

“It’s fine, Harry. They both know. No damage done. Except for my ability to hear anymore.” Louis said rubbing his ears.

“Sorry. I’m just so excited! You’re gonna be a Broadway star! I can’t wait to see you on stage.” Harry was beaming. There were no other words to describe it.

“I think you’re getting a little bit ahead of yourself there. There will be other candidates auditioning too, you know. And I haven’t done this for ages. So, if I was you, I wouldn’t be running out to buy tickets just yet.” Louis said trying to sound calm, even though he must admit he was quite excited about this too.

“You are going to nail it, Louis. No matter who else is there. You  _ will  _ get the part.” Harry said in such a convincing voice that Louis almost believed it himself.

“Still. But, thank you, Harry. I appreciate it.” Louis saw Zayn approaching them, Liam just behind him.

“You’re leaving?” Zayn asked.

“Yeah, you?” Louis nodded and replied with a question.

“Yeah. I think we’re leaving too.” Zayn answered and turned to Harry “It was really nice to meet you again, we’ll see you some other time too, yeah?”

“Yeah, you too. It was nice of you to ask me here with you. And I hope we’ll see each other again.” Harry said smiling. “Bye, Zayn. Bye, Liam.” He said before turning to Louis.

“Bye, Lou.” Harry gave him a quick hug and walked out of the pub.

_ Lou _ . It made Louis break out into a goofy smile.

“Yeah,  _ Lou _ . Let’s go home.” There it was again, that annoying af look on Zayn’s face. Louis punched him not so gently on the shoulder.

“Shut up, you tosser,” before marching out into the street.

Still smiling. 

*

On Tuesday morning Louis was sitting backstage in a small room at The Ambassador Theatre. When he had arrived he had been greeted by a stupid looking guy who had introduced himself as Ben, James Corden’s personal assistant. Louis hated him immediately.

Ben had led him to this cramped room and left Louis there alone with his tensing nerves. The knot in his stomach was getting tighter by the minute. If someone was watching him right now he probably looked just like any normal person even though he was a total mess inside. He hid it well. His mouth felt so dry. Maybe all his saliva was stolen to funnel down to his hands because they were terribly sweaty.

It was always this same feeling before auditions. Even if he had done this numerous times, he still struggled to keep himself in one piece. All the air was escaping from his lungs, like there was a balloon inside of him and it was getting bigger and bigger, taking up all the space inside his chest. He was about to explode and not in a good way. He closed his eyes and tried to remember how to breathe. How fucking hard could it be?

_ Very hard _ , he noticed. In the middle of a deep breath he heard the door open. He puffed the air out loudly, just before James Corden entered the room, smiling widely.

”Louis, good to see you, man. Come here and give me a hug.”

Before Louis had time to react, he was pulled into a tight embrace by James. He felt so soft and familiar, and homely, that Louis almost cried. His nerves were definitely shot because Louis never cried. Not anymore, anyway.

The older man loosened his grip but didn’t let go. He was still holding Louis by the shoulders and was looking at him attentively. His eyes were kind and he looked exactly how Louis remembered. Maybe a bit chubbier, but just made him look more teddy-bear-like than ever.

Louis had known him since he was kid. He had been working on the same production as Louis’ mum, Jay. They hadn’t been very close, but when Louis had joined the X-Factor and was alone in London, Jay had asked James to take care of Louis. And he had. It was something Louis would always be grateful for. That and his friendship.

“Hi James, good to see you too!” Louis was finally able to say, he could still hear the strain in his voice even though James’ presence had eased his state of mind a bit. He was able to compose a small smile to plaster on his face.

James was still looking at him, but now there was a little sadness detectable in his eyes.

“I know you don’t want to be reminded of your mum. But, I haven’t seen you since she passed away. And I just want to give you my condolences from me and my family to you personally. She had such a lovely soul and I will never forget her.” James said quietly and Louis felt like he was suffocating again. He just nodded and wiped the rolling tear away from his cheek.

James hugged him one more time before letting his professional role take over him. Louis also tried to brace himself.

“So. Let me tell you about today, even though I know you know how these things work. Today we are auditioning for the two male leads, Alex and Jonathan, which is the part you’re auditioning for. There has already been a preselection that you didn’t have to go through because I asked for you to come personally. Everyone is going to do today both an individual and a group performance with different cast members. First two males in a pair. Then later the females are going to join us. They had their auditions yesterday and we have the best eight left for today’s group performances. This is going to be a very long day, but hopefully at the end of it we will all get what we want. Questions?” James asked after his long monologue.

Louis just shook his head. This was pretty much the standard procedure for the auditions he had been to.

“We are going to start at nine, so you have about 45 minutes beforehand. Ben will show you to the dressing room where you can change into your clothes and he will also show you the room where you can warm up. Ready?” James asked and Louis was tempted to answer ‘no’. Because he really wasn’t.

*

“Five minutes, Louis!” Ben the dickhead shouted from the door, making Louis wince. This is it. Now. He pulled his earphones off and took a quick look at the text Harry had sent him this morning.

**Break a leg! You’re gonna be a Broadway star! Don’t be nervous. You are amazing! H. x**

Louis smiled, shoving the phone into his backpack and walking towards the stage. He felt the stage fright hit. He had to hold his hands together to prevent them from shaking and his breathing was laborious.

_ He really sucked at being an actor. _

But when the music started, everything around him just seemed to disappear. It was just him and the music, his nerves were gone and forgotten. As if by magic, he suddenly knew what he was doing. And he loved it. He really did.

It was something he had been scared about for over two years now and suddenly he couldn’t remember why. Because this  _ was _ him. On the screen or on the stage, it didn’t matter. As long as he was able to sing and dance, the world was his. Those were the moments when he was Louis Tomlinson, the actor, singer and the dancer.  _ The _ Louis Tomlinson, whom everybody loved, even himself. What came after the lights went down, he didn’t want to think about. It was just this moment, right now.

*

At the end of the day, he came home tired, so tired that he couldn’t even remember the last time he’d been so exhausted, he just fell straight on his bed. He had given everything he had in those auditions. Whether it was enough, he didn’t know. All he could do now was to wait, and know he gave it his all.

But there was one thing he knew. Today he had been the happiest he'd been in ages.

He just didn’t know how to make the feeling stay. 

  
  



	7. Chapter 7

[Harry Styles - Two Ghosts](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=suNBBjPdkhA)

Harry  
February, 2017

L: I got it! They just called me.

He hadn’t heard from Louis since Monday night when he had sent a short text. And now there was a new one on his phone and Harry couldn’t be happier, for Louis and for himself. It’s stupid, he knows it, but he had missed him. He had no right to behave that way and they were barely friends, but Harry just couldn’t help himself. There was just something so captivating about Louis that Harry couldn’t get him out of his head.

Friends, he reminded himself. You are supposed to be friends.

H: Congratulations! I knew you would get it. I was thinking, if you don’t have plans for tomorrow evening, would you like to come to my place? We could celebrate how you are now a Broadway star. I could cook? H

He hesitated a bit before pressing the send button. When the same text appeared on screen, now on a green base, he read it again and yep, that sounded just like a date invitation.

Harry tossed his phone onto the coffee table in front of him. You’re an idiot, he groaned and leaned his head against the back of the sofa. Now he will run away from you faster and further than Forrest fucking Gump.

His phone went off with the sound of an incoming message. He reached to get it and dropped it when he saw whom the message was from. Louis. Shit.

He unlocked the phone rapidly to see the whole message.

L: Thank you! I’m quite excited about it! The text said.

Great.

Well done, Harry. He didn’t even want to answer it. You –

Other text came in. Oh…

L: And thanks for the invitation. I’m free tomorrow and it’s always nice to have a home cooked meal!

What…?

L: What time would be good?

Shit. He is coming. Louis is coming here. I didn’t freak him out, Harry thought with relief.

H: Would seven be ok?

It didn’t take more than 10 seconds for Louis to answer.

L: See you then! Oh and unless you want me roaming the streets of New York calling out your name, I need you to send me your address!

With trembling fingers Harry typed in the address before putting his phone away. He sat on the couch for God knows how long, petting Blue’s silky fur as she was curled up on his lap. At first, he couldn’t think of anything, but then he started to panic.

Louis Tomlinson is coming here for dinner! Jesus. What do I cook? What do I wear?

Panic!

He excused Blue when he reached the table where his phone was to pick it up. He rushed to his recent calls and pressed Glenne’s name.

“Hello” Harry heard Glenne’s voice on the other side of the line.

“Hi…!” He breathed. “I need help. I’m panicking!”

“Ok, H. What’s going on? Why, exactly, are you panicking?” Glenne’s voice was soothing.

“Louis is coming here for dinner tomorrow and I don’t know what to cook or what should I wear or think—“

“Louis Tomlinson is coming there for dinner? As in –- a date?” Harry could hear the hesitation in Glenne’s voice.

“Yes. No! I mean, yes, he is coming. And no, it’s not a date.” After a small pause he added. “I don’t think.”

“You think it’s not a date?” Glenne sighed “Want to start from the beginning? I think I lost track.”

“Ummm… I –- he got this role in a new Broadway production and I asked him to come here for dinner tomorrow to celebrate –- and I think — I think the text might have sounded a little bit like a date invitation when I read it again? But he didn’t say anything about it. He just said yes, he’s coming. And now I’m about to have a heart attack. Help me, Glenne!” Harry was rambling and he knew it. But his head was a mess and those were the most articulate words he was able to get out.

“Oh, Harry.“ Glenne laughed and then asked with a more serious voice. “Do you want it to be a date?”

“Umph – No…?” Harry questioned.

“You are asking me now?” Glenne replied, a laugh still audible in her voice.

“No…?” Now it was Harry who giggled “I mean I’m not asking you. I don’t know. We are supposed to be friends, Louis and me. And I don’t want to scare him away. And – I don’t even know if he is gay. There have always been these rumours, but in public he had always had a girlfriend. And even if he was gay, I wasn’t thinking of this as a date at first. But now, I don’t know!” His voice was starting to sound desperate at the end again.

“H, you need to calm down now.” Glenne said firmly. “First. Like you said, he is coming tomorrow. Even if your text might have sounded like a date invitation, he wants to come. Don’t worry about it. And you can always see how he behaves and follow suit. He might have read it like you meant it to be, a friendly celebration.” Glenne paused to have a sip of whatever she was drinking and then continued “And the second thing. H, you know how show business is. There are plenty of gay men in Hollywood and in the music business who are not out and they have “girlfriends” for publicity. I don’t know if Louis is one of those, but I remember those rumours too. It’s something you’ll have to ask him.”

“You can’t ask someone if they’re gay!” Harry sounded horrified.

“Then you’ll just have to wait and see if the topic comes up one day – but I get the feeling he may not be as straight as the public thinks.”

I think my gaydar says the same thing, Harry thought, but he didn’t say it aloud.

“Yeah. And thanks. I can always count on you to calm me down. So, how about you? How have you been –?”

*

At quarter to seven on Friday evening Harry was, to no surprise, freaking the fuck out. Within the last five minutes he had checked on the curry simmering on the stove three times and changed his shirt twice. Now he’s back in the kitchen cleaning the spotless worktop one more time before pulling out the rice steamer from the lower cabinet and jasmine rice from the other. He measured it, rinsed it and tossed it into the steamer with some water. Lid on and switch on. One thing down.

One more stir of the curry, a deep breath and then he made a beeline back to his bedroom. He took a look in the mirror. Black skinny jeans, of course, and this time, a black button down shirt. He really looked like he was going to have a date night. He pulled the shirt off and threw it onto the chair and ran back to his wardrobe to choose a new one. Finally, he dragged a plain white t-shirt from the rack and pulled it on. He wasn’t totally happy, but he had to go with it now.

While he was drying his hands after visiting the loo, he heard the doorbell ring. One more deep breath in and out, Harry felt he had done more breathing exercises during the last couple of hours than in his past yoga lessons. Even though this time it wasn’t at all soothing.

His zen-zone was still missing, but he didn’t have time to worry about it anymore. There was a door for him to open and behind that door, would be Louis. The thought of him produced a smile on his face and he was still smiling widely when he pulled the door open.

“Hi.” Louis smiled standing in the hallway. He looked so cute — soft and small, and Harry wanted to kiss him.

Harry shooed the idea away and settled for simple “Hi,” instead.

“Come in, please. Food is almost ready.” He carried on.

“Thanks. And here, this is for you.” Louis handed him a bottle of red before taking his coat off.

Harry thanked him and stretched out his hand to hang Louis' coat up. What appeared under the outdoor clothing, made Harry laugh. Because, of course, Louis was wearing the same kind of white shirt and black skinnies as Harry.

“Nice shirt, by the way.” Louis said nodding towards Harry.

“Yeah, you too” Harry answered grinning. “And congratulations one more time. Wait – yes, here. This is for you. But don’t open it now. Only when you are back home. Otherwise it might freeze outside.” This time Harry gave him a hug.

“Freeze —? What on earth would you get me and why?” Louis asked furrowing his brows.

“It’s a flower, Louis. And I’m giving it to you to congratulate you on your casting. It is just a normal thing, you know.” Harry explained to the older guy standing front of him, looking a bit stunned.

“You bought me a flower?” He asked again.

“Yes, a flower. You bought me wine. That’s what people do.” Harry explained.

“But — but I don’t know anything about flowers…I will probably end up killing it before I even get home. Too much responsibility for me.” Louis stuttered a bit.

“There are instructions from the florist inside the package to guide you. Just follow them and it’ll help the flower to stay alive longer.” Harry said. “But for now, just come in.”

Louis toed off his shoes when he saw Harry wasn’t wearing those either and followed him to the living room.

“Wow, this place looks great! And you really can’t complain about the location either.” Louis said and he looked like he really meant what he said.

”Well, yeah. It is, innit? But like you know, this is actually Niall’s flat. So, technically, you should praise him, not me.” Harry answered coyly.

“Don’t be daft. You are always so bashful. You really should learn to take compliments, you know.” Louis said, now looking straight at Harry almost making him blush.

“Yeah, umm – thanks?”

There was a small meow audible behind the couch.

“You have a cat?” Louis sounded delighted.

“Yes, I do. I should have mentioned her. You’re not allergic or anything? I should have asked —” Harry felt the panic rise again. Just because he didn’t have any allergies, it didn’t mean others wouldn’t. Shit.

“Hey, calm down, will you? I have no allergies and I like cats. There is no problem here at all.” Louis convinced him. “Really.” He added when Harry was still looking at him suspiciously.

To assure his point he walked slowly towards the small cat who was curiously looking at the stranger. When Louis stood next to her, he squatted and held out his hand for the cat to sniff it.

“What’s her name? Is it a her?” He asked when Blue carefully approached him.

“Her name is Blue. Well, her real name is Bluebell Rose, but I usually call her Blue.” Harry answered Louis while his eyes were looking at the encounter between the two beautiful blue-eyed creatures.

“Hi Blue.” Louis greeted her. “Is it because of her eyes? The name?”

“Yeah, partly. But I also like flowers a lot, so.” He shrugged. He didn’t mention the other pair of blue eyes behind the story. The ones who might have inspired him to give her such a name.

Louis lifted Blue carefully into his lap and was petting her lightly. Harry could hear her purring softly and it made him happy, because she was usually quite shy about making new friends. Maybe it was those same blue eyes that made them bond. Whatever it was, it made Harry’s heart swell in his chest.

Before he would become more emotionally moved, he fled to the kitchen. Obviously he would still be visible, but he could concentrate on other things than… Yeah.

“This should be ready in a moment. Hope you like spicy food? I didn’t remember to ask that either—“ Harry shouted.

“I love spicy food!” He heard Louis’ voice at a closer distance than he expected and when he turned around, he saw him leaning against the breakfast bar still holding Blue in his arms.

“Oh, sorry. Didn't mean to yell. I thought you were still in the living room. You walked over here so quietly.” Harry said flattening his hand on his chest.

“That’s because I’m actually an apparition, I can transfer myself silently everywhere. You see, white shirt and all. Very spooky.” Louis grinned.

Harry heard a weird honking sound escape his mouth and he slapped his hands against it. Not again, Harry thought. He was so embarrassing. Even so, he couldn’t help but laugh. This time, at least, he sounded quite normal. If you could even call it that.

“That wasn’t even funny and you are peeing your pants. That’s horrible, Harold.” Louis laughed.

Harold. He called me Harold, he smiled internally.

“I’m not Harold.” Harry insisted.

“Oi, yes you are. Don’t try to argue with me, young Harold.” Louis grinned and Harry was beaming.

He turned quickly, supposedly stirring the sauce in the pan.

“You want to eat at the table or in the living room?” He asked, changing the subject.

“Living room is fine.”

“What do you want to drink? Wine or beer? I have sodas, too. If you want.” Harry asked.

“A beer would be great, thanks.” Louis answered and Harry could feel eyes on him while he moved about in the kitchen. Harry pulled two beers from the fridge and handed them to Louis. He also dug some cutlery out from the drawer and put them next to the napkins already laying on the table.

“You can go sit. I’ll just put the food on the plates and then join you in a minute.” Harry said calmly. At least he hoped he sounded calm. Did he?

Probably not.

This time he was freaking out over the food. What if Louis didn’t like it? What if it tasted horrible? This was the first time Harry had ever made Thai Chicken curry. Why had he chosen a dish he had never made before?

Why Why Why.

Despite his inner breakdown, Harry managed to plate the food and even carry it to the living room without any major accidents. Miracles do actually occur, he thought as he handed the other plate to Louis.

Louis picked up a fork and took a bite of the food.

“Harry, this is amazing! You made this? Like… from scratch?” Louis asked astonished, scooping another forkful to put in his mouth.

“Yeah. I did. This was actually the first time I’ve made it. You like it?” Harry answered shyly.

“I love it! It’s the best Thai food I have ever eaten, including when I went to Thailand. So, yes. I like it very much.” Louis’ effusive compliments made Harry blush.

“Th—Thanks. I wasn’t sure how it would turn out. But I’m glad you like it.” Harry replied, still feeling a little overwhelmed. This was one of the reasons why he liked being a baker. Everyday, he was able to hear that people loved his creations and he felt the same about his cooking too. He just loved to make people feel happy. And what better way to do that than through food made with love.

They finished their dinner whilst chatting. Keeping the conversation light and easy.

“I’m so full!” Louis groaned as he pushed his empty plate away. “That was so good, but now I’m about to split. And it’s your fault.” Louis pointed his finger towards Harry.

Harry just smiled back and rose to take the empty plates to the kitchen.

“So, should I assume, you don’t want dessert yet?” He asked and heard Louis moan.

“I’ll take that as ‘later’” Harry grinned, taking a look at Louis who was now laying on the couch cupping his belly.

“You want to watch a movie or telly?” Harry asked.

“Yeah, why not. Want to search for something while I use the loo?” Louis asked him.

Harry nodded. “Sure.” Louis was still standing there like waiting for something. Oh, right. “Sorry, there is one in the hallway. Yeah.”

Harry started surfing channels and found some Friends reruns. When weren't Friends reruns on the TV? That was the real question.

“You ok with Friends? We could find something else to watch?” Harry asked when Louis returned.

“It’s my favourite show. I could watch them for weeks in a row.” Louis answered.

“Hey, it’s my favourite too!” Harry replied delightfully.

They watched a few episodes and talked about their favourite characters and episodes. It was all so cosy and nice. He needed more, he wanted to curl up on Louis and feel him next to him. Then, tonight would’ve been perfect. It was perfect now too. But, like extra perfect.

When the episodes ended, Harry brought a pint of ice cream from the freezer and two spoons.

”I hope you don’t mind if we eat ice cream like this. I think it’s the only way to eat it. Straight from the tub.” Harry said setting the container on the coffee table and taking the lid off. It could rest there for a few more minutes to soften a bit and then to be perfect to eat.

”I could bring you a bowl, if you’d prefer.” He added when Louis didn’t say anything.

”Oh, sorry. Yeah, this is good. No worries. That’s how I eat it too.” Louis said. ”Straight from the tub.” He added, still staring at the table.

Harry plopped down on the couch next to Louis who raised his gaze to look at Harry. Then he looked back at the ice cream, this time keeping his eyes on it for longer.

”Go ahead, if you want. I just usually let it soften a while on the table. Me and my stupid habits.” Harry grinned. ”I never remember that some people might do things differently than I do.”

This time Louis gave a little laugh. ”Who can even eat ice cream straight from the freezer when it’s rock hard? It’s a disgrace to the ice cream. Can you imagine how mad Ben & Jerry would be, if they knew you ate it like that?”

Harry giggled.

”Yeah. They would call up the Seven-Eleven to tell them ’No More Cherry Garcia for that English bloke. He can’t even eat it the right way. He’s shaming the whole nation.” Harry chuckled and was relieved to see Louis smiling, the way that cute crinkles appeared around his eyes. Harry wanted him to smile like this all the time.

Feeling a little courage, Harry coughed to clear his voice.

”Louis, can I ask you something? You said earlier that I could. And you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.” Harry asked and looked shyly at Louis who was looking like he was frightened. That’s not what Harry wanted.

”Yeah, Harry. ‘Course you can ask.” He said but he didn’t sound as confident as he had sounded in the pub when he assured Harry he could ask him anything.

”I - I was just wondering, what’s the play like? The one you got the role for. I don’t know If you are allowed to talk about it.” Harry pushed his fingers through his hair when he finished talking. Again, he wished he had more hair to deal with his nervous habit. With short hair, the movement was always over way too soon.

”Oh, you want to know about the play? Sure, I can tell you about it, but it’s not public yet. So just don’t go tweeting about it.” Louis grinned, relief emanating from his face.

What did he think I was going to ask about, Harry wondered.

”I won’t.” Harry giggled again. And now. Shut the fuck up, you moron. You’re acting like a little school girl. Or worse, to be honest.

Louis didn’t seem to mind his idiocy, or was too polite to pay attention to it. Harry’s bets were on the latter.

“What do you want to know?” Louis asked.

“Just like general stuff? What’s it about? How do you feel about it? Whatever you want to share.” Harry answered, hand already making a move to touch his hair. This time he managed to stop it. Instead he started to fiddle with his cuticles. Much better, he thought mentally rolling his eyes.

“Yeah. I just don’t know how to start. I haven’t told anyone about this yet—”

“What?!?” Harry couldn’t help the shout from escaping his mouth “What—Why not…?” He repeated with normal voice level.

“Because I’m kind of embarrassed…?” Now it was Louis’ turn to pick at the hem of his shirt nervously.

“Why on earth would you be embarrassed?” Harry still believed he had misunderstood something.

“Because I don’t know how I should deal with this musical. Midnight Memories – that’s the name of it – it’s a story about a band and their fans.” Louis took a break, as if to encourage himself to carry on.

“I – I don’t know if you remember there were some articles a couple of years ago. About me and me being – like, homophobic.” Louis whispered the last word. He was breathing much heavier now. Harry moved himself to sit so he was facing Louis and touched his forearm lightly. Trying to give him the strength to go on.

“They were not true. None of it. It’s a long story, but they were not true. I swear.” His voice was now much louder, more desperate.

“I know they weren’t true.” Harry said and Louis raised his gaze to look at him.

“You do? But they were on the front page of the tabloids all around the world, and Twitter. Everywhere.” Louis said, eyes still trained on Harry’s.

“Just because they were in the trash magazines, it doesn’t make them true. Not everything you read is true. Of course, there are some people who believe everything without a doubt, but if you use your brain and deductive reasoning, you’ll discover most of those tabloid articles are total bullshit. And—” Harry hesitated little before he continued.

“Ok, this might sound a bit weird to say, I was — I still am — your fan and I have followed your career over the years. And in all that time I had a feeling that the Louis Tomlinson who was in the articles on the front page of The Sun or any other magazine, wasn’t the real Louis Tomlinson. Because they just didn’t match. Because those “articles”—” Harry made air quotes, letting his facial expression show how he felt about those. “showed a totally different person from the one that I had come to know. And that ‘real Louis’ was caring, friendly, generous and humble, the total opposite of what they tried to pin you for. I knew I couldn’t be wrong, I just couldn’t. And now that I have met you, I know that I was right the whole time.” Harry finished his speech, not daring to glance at Louis after his rant.

“Harry.” He heard Louis say. “Look at me, please.”

Carefully he met Louis eyes, feeling the heat on his cheeks.

“Thank you.” Louis whispered “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. I’m just telling the truth, you know.”

They were both silent for a moment. Harry reached to take the perfectly melted ice cream from the table and put it on the couch between them. He picked up the spoons and gave Louis the other one and scooped the spoonful and felt it melt in his mouth. ‘Phish Food’ never fails.

Louis reached down to fill his spoon too and shoved it into his mouth.

“Umm. The reason why I am hesitant to announce the casting, is because the musical is kind of — queer.” Louis let out a small breath. “Like all the main characters are gay and because of my past, I think people are going to think, I’m a hypocrite or something, because I’m doing this production. As if I’m doing this for queerbaiting or to make up for the past.”

“Louis. I think you’re looking at this from the wrong point of view. If someone, emphasis on the word if, believed those stories, I believe they will be just as proud of you because you have been able to change your mind. This is your chance to bring light to your real opinion. To express yourself like you want to. Turn this whole thing into a positive, don’t focus too much on the negative.”

“And I’m saying this also as a gay man. So, I think I should be the one being offended by you and your so-called “phobias”. But like I said before, I never believed those at the time and I still don’t.”

“You’re gay?” Louis asked, gaze focused on Harry’s face.

“Well, gay as an umbrella term, but yeah. I’ve had sex with both genders and liked it. But lately, it’s been just guys I’ve been into. I don’t feel like I have to put a label on it. I know I’m not straight and yeah —” Harry shrugged his shoulders.

Harry turned to the ice cream as a distraction, but he was still able to feel Louis’ eyes on him.

“I’m glad you told me, Harry.” Louis said quietly. Harry raised his eyes and looked cautiously at him.

“Yeah?” Harry asked

“Yeah. I really am.” Louis confirmed. And there was something in his eyes. Almost like… happiness? Harry couldn’t quite tell.

They sat there quietly eating the melting ice cream.

“All the things you said to me before — That’s pretty much what Liam has tried to tell me. Like he could turn the press into a positive, get me back out there in the public eye.” Louis said eventually.

“Maybe you should just listen to him. Trust him, he knows what he’s doing.. You do trust him, don’t you?” Harry said softly.

“Of course, I do. That’s why he is my manager. And my friend, too. But he is not my manager just because he is my friend. He’s my manager because he is good at what he does and I trust him. It’s something I never had with my first manager. The trust.” Louis said letting the anger emerge in his voice when he was talking about his former manager. Simon Cowell, Harry remembered.

“That’s good. Let Liam take care of the press when it's time. You should concentrate on the production.” Harry encouraged Louis.

“Yeah. I think I should.” Louis admitted.

“What was it like to be on stage again?” Harry changed the subject to a lighter topic and he really was curious.

“I loved it! I hadn’t actually realised how much I missed it before I got on the stage. I mean it was horrible to wait there and was on the verge of a nervous breakdown, but when I started to sing and perform, I remembered how much I love it. I think I had just forgotten about it with all the other bullshit going on in my life. But I’m very happy that I can start working again.” Louis was beaming now.

“Have you seen the other actors yet?” Harry asked.

“I met them at the audition. We did the group things there, so I’ve met the final candidates. But I don’t exactly know who has been chosen to be in the production. We’re having our first meeting next week and we get to see each other then. We also get to hear more about James’ visions and stuff. Rehearsals should start in March and the premiere should be in November. It’s going to be totally different than anything I have done before and I’m really looking forward to it. And I’m rambling now.” Louis grinned.

“Keep going Lou. You sound happy. This is happy talk.” Harry smiled at him.

“I am rambling, but it’s because I’m happy.” Louis replied, smiling and the crinkles became visible again. Harry was smiling too. Because Louis was happy and he had cute crinkles.

That made Harry happy too.

*

It had been a week since their non-date dinner at Harry’s. The rest of the night had been nice and comfortable. They had talked more, nothing too serious though. It had been almost midnight before Louis had left Harry’s home. They hadn’t made any plans as to when they would see each other again, but they wound up texting each other daily. Louis had even stopped for a cup of tea a couple of times during the week.

It was Saturday again, their footie day, but it was freezing outside. Two days before it had been almost summery weather, and now the temperature had fallen below zero again. The moist wind from the river made it feel even colder. So, football was out of the window.

H: Hey…!!! Any plans for today?

L: Not so much. Why?

H: There was just this one thing I've wanted to do…

L: Dare I ask what it is…?

H: Ice Skating!

L: Come again?

H: I-c-e s-k-a-t-i-n-g

L: You’re serious…?

H: Of course, I am. Why wouldn’t I be?

L: Like, have you seen yourself? Playing football and stuff?

H: Yes.

L: And you still think skating is a good idea?

H: Yes.

L: Ok…

H: What do you mean ok…?

L: I mean, it’s going to be a disaster.

H: No, it’s not.

L: Believe me, it will be.

L: It’s hard enough for you to stand up with regular shoes on. When you add blades and ice to that equation, it’s not gonna end well.

L: And stop pouting!

H: I’m not pouting! (He was)

L: Lying is not a good trait, Harold.

H: I’m not lying!

L: Lying about lying. That’s even worse.

H: You are mean.

L: Are you saying that to the person who is about to take you skating?

L: Or was taking. Before he was insulted.

H: You’re coming with me!!! Yay!!!

L: I still need an apology, though.

L: And maybe a hot chocolate afterwards.

H: Sorry, sorry, sorry!!! And you’ll get that hot chocolate, too.

L: What time should we go then?

H: I was thinking around four…?

L: Suits me. Shall we meet at the rink?

H: Yeah, sounds good. See you then!

L: See ya!

Harry was already waiting at Rockefeller Center when he saw Louis walking towards him. He was wearing the same oversized winter coat as the day they met at the bakery for the first time. Crinkled eyes smiled back at Harry under the soft navy beanie and thick scarf that was rolled around his neck. On his hands, he had dark blue mittens to match his beanie. He looked so small and adorable, and Harry wanted to kiss his beautiful lips, the lips that the cold air had made look so red.

But instead of scaring him away with an inappropriate kiss, Harry just settled for giving him a hug. It felt good too.

“So, ready to skate?” Louis asked him after their greetings. Harry gave him a beaming smile and nodded.

“Yeah. I have wanted to do this for a long time, but no one has ever come with me —”

“I wonder why…” Louis muttered, but Harry decided to ignore his comment.

“Like I was saying before I was interrupted, I have never had the chance to come here before. I never wanted to come alone. I’m so glad you agreed to come with me. I love to skate.” Harry said cheerfully.

“You do? When was the last time you skated?” Louis eyed him with a suspicious expression.

“Umm… It’s been a while…” Harry tried to escape the question.

“How long exactly is ‘a while’?” Louis asked again, narrowing his eyes.

“Well… I think I was five—”

“Oh my God!” Louis screamed looking like he wanted to pull his hair out in a minute. “This is even worse than I thought. Five! Seriously, Harry.”

“But I really loved it. I think it’s similar to riding a bike. Once you have learned how, you know how to do it for the rest of your life.” Harry said trustfully.

Yep. It didn’t go like that.

Harry was gripping the wall of the ice rink preventing himself from falling and Louis was practically weeing his pants with laughter next to him. Just to add insult to injury, the smaller lad made a couple of well executed ice skating techniques.

“You skate so well!” Harry said with admiration dripping in his voice. He tried to follow Louis’ skating but it wasn’t so easy when he hung off the edge of the rink like a rag doll, trying to stay alive.

“Of course, I can skate. I don’t know about how well, but I have actually done it in the past twenty years, unlike some people.”

“It hasn’t been twen—” Harry tried.

“Eighteen or twenty, Harry. It’s just semantics. It doesn’t make a difference.” Louis was grinning at him.

Harry was pouting. This wasn’t exactly what Harry had signed up for. He had imagined him and Louis skating around the rink, music playing in the background…

“C’mon, you big baby. It’s your lucky day today, because you are accompanied by the Donny ice skating master, who is about to give you a private lesson on skating.” Louis announced and Harry was able to paste a smile on his face, still fighting to keep his dignity.

“Ready, then?” Louis asked.

Louis was an excellent teacher. It was a good forty-five minutes later when Harry found himself on the ice without any support from Louis, nor the rink edge. He even took a couple of kicks to make a movement and actually skate.

“Look, Louis! No hands!” Harry yelled and ten seconds later plopped down on the ice with a loud squeak.

“Look, no teeth…” Louis mumbled holding his hand to help Harry up.

“Ouch. I should have more padding to my arse, like you do. It wouldn’t hurt so much if you fell.” Harry grinned.

“Hey, I don’t have a fat arse!” Louis objected.

“Yes, you do. And it’s gorgeous!” Harry said without thinking and wanted to swallow his tongue when he realised what he had said.

Fuck. Fuckfuckfuck.

“What…?” Louis laughed.

Now, save face. Say something smart.

“Uuh—I just got a bit starstruck. Um—sorry…” Harry replied.

Nice save. Not.

“Umm… Ok.” Louis said, looking oddly at him.

Of fucking course, he is looking you weirdly, you idiot. You just complimented his arse out of the blue.

“Fangirl moment, you know.” Harry continued.

Seriously. What the hell is wrong with you. Now, just stop talking. Like entirely.

After a short, but awkward pause, Louis clapped his hands together.

“Alright. I think we are ready to skate. If you hold my arm, I believe we will manage to do a whole lap.” Louis said, changing the subject.

Harry must have looked terrified at that thought because Louis smiled at him encouragely.

“It’s going to be fine. Now, Michelle Kwan, just hold on. Let’s skate!” Louis said.

And they did. Harry still had no idea how, but they did it. At first, they took one very slow and shaky legged lap, then another and another. At the end of the fifth and final lap, Harry felt like he had run a marathon. Adrenaline coursed through his veins. He felt so happy and light.

When he fell again, he couldn’t care less. As he looked up he saw Louis looking back at him. The moonlight was dancing on his beautiful face as he smiled, and at that moment, Harry knew that this was all ever he needed. It should have been a scary moment, but it wasn’t. Like it was something Harry had known was coming, whether he wanted it or not.

*

A week later, as he was sipping hot chocolate on his coffee break in the bakery’s backroom, he couldn’t help but compare it to the time when he and Louis had been drinking their hot chocolates in a small café near the rink. He could still see the spot of whipped cream left on Louis’ nose after drinking his hot drink, and him trying to see it by crossing his eyes. The sight still made Harry smile. Louis made him smile, even if he wasn’t in his presence. Like Louis was the key to his happiness.

He had had a moment on the ice rink, but it was here, in the dark cramped room, where he realised how screwed he actually was.

*

They were sitting in Louis’ living room eating pizza they had ordered from the place that ‘makes the best pizza in the whole city’ according to Louis — Liam and Zayn nodding their heads in confirmation. Well, who was Harry to argue with that? And now, as he was eating it, he had to admit, it was pretty damn good. Maybe not the best he had had here, not that he would dare say that aloud, but tasty enough to be near the top of the list anyway.

They had been able to have their usual footie practice this week, but instead of pints in the pub, they were having a Fifa-tournament with pizza and beer at Louis’. And Zayn’s, because he was living there too.

Downstairs, he reminded himself. There was no reason to be jealous of Zayn, who was at the moment sitting next to Liam being very cuddly and cozy with him. But at the same time Harry couldn’t forget those articles he had read years before about Louis and Zayn being an item. And he fucking well knew that the majority of those articles are total bullshit. He told Louis that too, remember? Why would this be any exception? Why was he thinking about this?

He knew why.

He pushed the nagging voice in his head into the background and took another slice of pizza to have something else to think about. Eventually, it worked. After the first pangs of jealousy, he managed to keep them at bay. They had a great night playing video games, Louis being the absolute king of them. There had been a lot of laughter and more than a few beers, and before Harry had noticed, it was way past midnight.

“You can sleep here, if you want.” Louis said to Harry. “There is a guest room upstairs where you can sleep.”

“I—I don’t want to be any trouble. You’re not that far from me, I can walk—” Harry tried to say before he was interrupted by Louis.

“Yeah, yeah. I know it’s near, I know you can walk there, blah blah blah. But have you looked out the window lately? It’s pouring down. So, I just think it would be much easier for you to sleep here and go back home in the morning.” Louis said with a firm voice.

“I know, Liam here is,” Louis patted a now heavily-blushing Liam, on the shoulders. “not in the guest room, though. What you reckon, Zaynie?” Louis said wiggling his eyebrows at Zayn now. He really was a little shit when it came to his friends and Harry loved it.

Harry was still looking a little uncertain and Louis saw it too.

“Or are you worried about Blue?” Louis said and Harry wanted to kiss him for being so thoughtful.

“No, she will be fine. She has food, water and a litter box there. Thanks for asking anyway.” Harry said smiling. “I just don’t want to be a bother…”

“It’s settled then. Let’s go. I’ll show you to your room. I think those two will find their way to bed without my help.” Louis grinned and pointed his thumb towards the couple glaring at him.

This was the first time Harry had seen the upstairs. They passed the second floor, where Louis’ bedroom was located, and climbed up to the third floor.

“Here is the bathroom.” Louis pointed when they reached the door. “And here is the guest room.”

Louis pushed the door open and entered the room.

“Sorry, this is quite small, but the bed should be comfortable. There are towels in the bathroom and spare toothbrushes also. Do you need a t-shirt or trackies to sleep in? I can find you something.” Louis asked.

“No, thanks. I’ll be fine. I usually sleep na— I’m good. Yeah…” Harry stumbled but was successful in keeping the blush off his face.

“Okay. Good night, Harry.”

“Good night, Lou. And thanks.”

*

The next morning Harry woke up at around ten o’clock. It was odd, usually he never slept past nine, even if he had been out the night before. Well, apart from being pissed and passing out, but that didn’t count. His head was aching a bit as a result of too many beers last night. After taking a shower and brushing his teeth, he felt much better. Now he just needed food.

Harry thought he heard footsteps coming from the lower level so he dared to go down there too.

“Morning.” Louis greeted him from the couch.

“Morning.” Harry replied. “Have you been awake for long?”

“Nah, maybe just half an hour or so. Did you sleep well?”

“Yeah. I don’t usually ever sleep in. I’m used to waking up early, because of my job.” Harry explained.

“You hungry?”

Harry nodded.

“Yeah, I could eat something. Too many beers yesterday.” He grinned.

“I might have some eggs and toast in the kitchen, not much though. But I don’t know how —”

“I can do the cooking. If that’s what you are worried about. Let me see what you have” Harry proposed. Louis was right. There really wasn’t much in the fridge.

“Louis, what do you even eat? You can’t live on just cereal and toast.” Harry exclaimed.

“I don’t know how to cook. So, I usually just eat takeaways.” Louis shrugged.

“I’ll have to teach you to cook. No one can live on takeaways alone. You eat fruit though, right?” Harry asked. Louis turned his head away.

“Louis!” Harry was horrified “You need to get some vitamins. Fruit and vegetables. Home-cooked meals.”

Louis didn’t say anything.

“Sorry, I don’t mean to preach or judge.” Harry said looking sorry.

“It’s ok. I get your point. I just never really learnt to cook. The downside of having too many sisters. They never let me in the kitchen.” Louis grinned and continued. “And then when I moved to LA, I didn’t have time to learn to cook anymore. Then when I moved here permanently, I was kind of – tired. So, yeah.” Louis was speaking in a normal voice, but there was an undertone of sadness which made Harry’s heart ache. Why the hell he couldn’t he just shut up.

“Sorry.” Harry whispered one more time.

“There’s nothing to be sorry for. You’re right, you know.” Louis said. “Maybe you could teach me now?” he asked, making Harry beam like a sun.

“I’d love to.” Harry smiled. “Let’s get started then! Where do you keep your frying pans?” Harry said as he bent to open the door of the lower cabinet which looked like it could be the home to some pans.

“I—I’ll get it.” Louis said quickly “You can raid the fridge meanwhile. Maybe there’s something useful hidden in there. Zayn and Liam sometimes use the kitchen to cook, so there might be something I’m not aware of.”

“Zayn doesn’t have cooking facilities in the basement?” Harry asked.

“He has a fridge down there and he also has an electric portable stove and microwave. So, he can do something there. He’s not much better at cooking than I am. But he likes to have them anyway. He doesn’t want to “bother me,” his words not mine, with his cooking. He is kind of an introvert sometimes, he needs his own space and I give it to him.” Louis explained, eventually pulling a fairly new looking frying pan out of the cabinet “Found it” He yelled, looking like he’d accomplished something miraculous.

“Great!” Harry said placing his findings, a tin of tomatoes and a fairly edible looking onion, on the kitchen counter.

Louis looked at them and looked back to Harry looking like a giant, well not giant, maybe Peter-Pan-sized, question mark.

“You’re gonna use these?” he asked.

“No, you’re gonna use them.” Harry answered grinning. “I was thinking, we could try to do shakshuka—”

“Do what…?” Louis asked again.

“Shakshuka. It’s a Middle Eastern food. There are tomatoes and we can put the onion in there, and spices — you have spices right?” Harry asked, looking at Louis who nodded. “And put some spices in there and then poach the eggs in there too. We can have toast with it. It should be easy to do.” Louis opened his mouth to protest, but Harry managed to add first.

“Even for you.”

*

The food turned out to be excellent. Harry was happy to guide Louis through cooking and Louis had made the tea and toast, too.

“Maybe I can’t cook, but I can definitely make a good cuppa. So, don’t even try. I’ll do it now.” He insisted “But maybe someday, I will teach you how to do it the Tommo way.” He grinned with crinkly eyes.

Harry accepted the challenge, joyously smiling.

Harry couldn’t help his poor heart swelling in his chest when he saw the proud glint in Louis’ eyes when they sat down and began eating breakfast. He had made it from scratch, even chopped the onions, only letting Harry verbally guide him. Now Louis was looking at Harry like a tiny, happy hedgehog and again, Harry was falling deeper and deeper.

He was definitely screwed.

*

Another week flew by in a blink. After Sunday, Harry had seen Louis only briefly on Wednesday when he had stopped by the bakery on his way to rehearsals, which had finally commenced. Instead, Harry had been working long shifts because there had been a lack of staff. He had gone to work early and left late the entire week, he was exhausted.

He was also missing Louis. The worst part of it was that it wasn’t the type of missing he had felt towards his other friends, like Niall. This was something else, something he shouldn’t feel. Because Louis was his friend. Just his friend.

Now, Harry was laying on the couch feeling bored and homesick. The whole week kinda sucked. He needed something to do.

He needed Louis.

H: My mum had scones today.

H: With jam and clotted cream.

L: That’s… sick?

H: I miss England and I want scones too.

L: Don’t you work in a bakery?

H: We don’t bake scones.

L: Can’t you bake them at home?

H: This is my day off. I don’t want to bake anything.

L: Then you might have a problem.

H: But I have Google!

L: Congrats…!

H: No, I mean I googled and I found this restaurant that serves afternoon tea.

L: Excellent!

H: It’s in Greenwich.

L: Did you verify it’s not in England? Otherwise you still have a problem.

H: Of course, I did. It’s in NYC.

L: Just checking…

H: So…?

L: So what?

H: Would you come with me to have tea and scones today?

L: You could have asked that from the start, you know.

H: Pretty please!

H: Louis! Answer me!

H: Louis…

L: What…?

H: Are you coming?

L: Where?

H: Tea, Louis!

L: Of course, you bampot. You’re just so easy to torture. Hah!

H: You're evil.

L: Text me the details, love.

Love.

Needless to say, Harry stared at that word for the next five minutes.

*

Apparently, they weren’t the only ones who craved scones that afternoon. The restaurant was small and it was packed. After ten minutes of waiting they managed to get a table in the corner.

“You gonna eat something first?” Harry asked Louis while browsing the menu.

“Nah, I already ate. Scones are fine for me. Are you going to eat?” Louis raised his gaze.

“I think so. I was too lazy to cook today. I only had breakfast, so I’m quite hungry, actually.” Harry answered, eyes still on the menu trying to decide what to have.

“Wow, what happened to ‘Mr. I cook all by myself and eating out is a sin’?” Louis mocked.

“I never said that.” Harry pouted “I just said it’s not a good idea to eat take-aways all the time. Of course, I eat out too. And I eat take-aways. It’s all about the balance, I think.”

“Just teasing.” Louis grinned “Like I said before, you are an easy target.”

Harry pouted again.

“I missed you at footie practice yesterday.” Louis said next.

“Really…?” Harry replied delighted.

“Yeah. It was just too easy. To play, I mean.” Louis said.

Harry was waiting for a follow-up and looked at him confused.

“This time we didn’t have to make any detours to avoid giving the ball to you. No challenge at all, if you ask me. Hope you can make it next time.” Louis grinned widely.

“I hate you.” Harry said, sticking out his tongue.

The waitress came to interrupt their tiff by taking their orders.

“Are you ready?” She asked.

“Yes. I’ll have the bangers and mash and a glass of water with lemon to drink, please. And we’d like some scones and tea, also.” Harry ordered.

“You want to get one portion each or are you going to share? There are four in one portion.” She asked this time.

“I could share. I think two is enough for me.” Louis spoke now. “If that’s ok with you?”

“Yeah. We’ll share. And a pot of tea.” Harry continued.

“Yorkshire tea.” Louis specified.

“Ok. So, it’s bangers and mash, water with lemon, scones and a pot of Yorkshire tea?” The waitress double checked the order before she left.

“I hope you weren’t offended by what I said before?” Louis asked with a quiet voice.

“I wasn’t.” Harry assured.

“I just have this bad habit of teasing everyone and sometimes I just insult people without intending to do so.” Louis was still looking a bit worried “I didn’t do that to you, did I?”

“No, Louis. You didn’t. Honestly. I can take the teasing. Having Gemma as my sister, I have basically been teased my whole life.” Harry grinned.

“Poor, Harold.” Louis grinned back.

“How was your week?” Louis asked a few moments later.

“Busy. Horrible. We were missing two workers the whole week and I worked at least twelve hours every day. Next week should be back to normal, I hope so anyway.” Harry sighed “But yesterday I saw Ed for the first time in a long time. I don’t know if you remember, but he was playing in the bar that evening we met for the first time here in New York?”

“I’m afraid, I don’t. We left quite early that evening. Right after we met. I think.” Louis hesitated a little with his answer. “And I might have a tad more to drink than I should have done.”

“Yeah, you weren’t the only one. I have no memory of later that night. But I believe there were many drinks involved because I had the worst hangover ever the next day.” Harry winced from the memory and Louis just laughed at him.

“But anyway, I saw Ed yesterday. He’s been busy lately, but we were able to see each other for a bit. He’s going to be opening for Niall’s tour in Europe. He told me yesterday. Niall hasn’t told me anything about this. But Ed is very excited about it, and so am I. It’s a great opportunity for him. And he is really good! Yesterday we were playing and singing all day and it was so fun. It had been a while since the last time.” Harry explained enthusiastically “And – “

“You should come to my place sometime. We could play too. If you want to, I mean.” Louis interrupted him. “I have a piano and guitars there.”

“Really? That would be awesome. Whenever it suits you, let me know.” Harry answered eagerly and watched as the waitress put his food on the table before thanking her.

“Sorry I didn’t ask before. But is it ok if we bring the scones and tea after you have eaten?” She asked.

Both of them nodded in agreement.

“This smells so good!” Harry said inhaling the aromas floating from the plate.

“Looks good. A proper pub meal.” Louis agreed.

Harry stuck his fork into the sausage and lifted it to take a bite. “You want a bite?” He asked Louis who only shook his head and watched as Harry stuffed the massive banger in his mouth.

“Impressive.” Louis commented and Harry almost choked on his sausage.

“Jesus.” Harry said, still coughing heavily and tried not to laugh to prevent more damage.

“Couldn’t help it. Sorry.” Louis grinned. “I’ll let you eat in peace now. I’ve got it out of my mouth.”

“You had it in your mind the whole time?” Harry chuckled.

“Pretty much. You just made it very easy to slip out. Thanks for that.” Louis grinned “But now, eat.”

Whilst Harry ate, Louis told him about his week. About rehearsals, the other cast members, James the director guy. Harry loved to listen to him talk and his thick Northern accent. And Harry loved the happiness in his voice as he spoke about his work. It was obvious that he had missed it so much.

But when the conversation turned to the upcoming weeks,Harry was able to see the shift in his mood.

“I have to go to LA the week after next.” Louis said gloomily before he took a bite from his scone.

“Why?” Harry asked.

“I don’t know exactly, something to do with old unfinished contract things. Liam is coming with me and my lawyer, too.” Louis explained.

“Sounds serious.”

“Yeah, but it shouldn’t be too bad. With the legal side, I mean.” Louis shrugged.

“But it’s bad in another way?” Harry observed Louis’ face to find some hints.

“Might be. I haven’t been there for over two years.” Louis confessed “It was when I moved, I never went back.”

“But you had a house there and everything, didn’t you?” Harry was confused.

“Yeah. But I just couldn’t go back. Too many bad memories. So, I just called my estate agent and told her to sell it. And then I bought my house here.”

“You want to talk about it?” Harry asked. “It can help.”

“I haven’t really talked about it to anyone. To my mum, yes. But, you know — “ Louis said sadly, but carried on anyway. “Everything just started to fall apart after that. There were those horrible articles, and my relationship was on the verge of ending and then my mom got sick. I just left it all and never came back.”

Harry was just about to speak, when Louis started to talk again. His voice was so small that Harry had to lean closer to hear him properly.

“But I don’t know if those were the worst parts looking back at the bigger picture. Losing my career and a partner. I’m trying to start my career again here and now, and I don’t want that relationship back. I can deal with those. But I think I hate LA because of how much it changed me. How it forced me to change. When I went there for the first time, I knew who I was. And then suddenly, I wasn’t allowed to be me anymore. Publicly, anyway. And now, after years, I don’t know if I can ever find my old self again.” His voice faded down and he was just staring at the table. This was something Harry hadn’t expected. He didn’t know what to say. At that moment, there was only one question on his mind.

Had Louis just come out to him?


	8. Chapter 8

[The Cranberries - Zombie](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Ejga4kJUts)

Louis

March, 2017

Louis woke up on Saturday morning feeling all groggy and disoriented, back from his short trip to LA. The jetlag was kicking in badly, even though it was only a three hours difference. Still. His flight had landed late in the evening and it had been well after midnight before he had gone to bed. Louis reached for his phone from the table, it was… Ten. Jeez. It felt more like a 5am.

Louis really hated jetlag.

He yawned and stretched his arms lazily, before flopping back deeper into the bed sheets. He twisted his neck, stretching that out too. First on the left, pushing his cheek against the pillow and then slowly turning to the right. When he opened his eyes, he saw a glimpse of lily number nine sitting on the bedside table.

He still couldn’t believe Harry had bought him a lily. A lily.

When he had arrived home after Harry cooked him a lovely curry dinner, he had carefully opened the small package Harry had given to him earlier that night and saw a single pink lily inside, a little whimper had escaped his lips.

It was so beautiful, fragile yet bold at the same time. He had picked out the little card attached to it and read the text written in Harry’s handwriting.

A pink lily symbolises prosperity. It made me think of you. H. x

The lump in Louis’ throat had grown to the size of a tennis ball and he tried to swallow it down before he got too overwhelmed. Even though it was too late to worry about that. He was seconds away from weeping like a little girl.

But no one had ever bought him a flower that made him this emotional. Like it had been just the perfect ending to the perfect da—night. Night, not date. Obviously, it hadn’t been a date, like a date date. But a dinner date with a friend. Shit!

The first lily had stayed alive for three days. Louis didn’t know what he did wrong. He had tried to follow the instructions the florist had written, but still the flower had faded ahead of time.

Louis had bought a new one.

Like the soppy fool he had been, but he just couldn’t let it go yet. When the same thing happened to the second one, he repeated his actions. And now, he was on lily number nine, waiting to replace it with a fresh one.

Louis sighed. How had this even happened? How did Harry enter his life and make Louis never want to let him go again. It had been just, or already, Louis couldn’t tell, two months since he met Harry in that dingy bar and he was already in so deep.

Harry fucking Styles and his stupid fucking lilies.

He sighed again and dragged himself into the shower. It refreshed him, yes, but didn’t erase the tiredness from his body. The whole week had been busy, physically and mentally exhausting. Even if he had the chance to go to the beach for a couple of days, the weather in LA was still absolutely sweltering, the days had been long and filled with meetings and other professional gatherings, like lunches and stuff. Then in the darkness of his hotel room, the memories had taken him over.

Not that the whole trip had been filled with negativity, no. But right now, all the good things were just buried under a load of rubbish and Louis was too tired to dig it out.

On his way downstairs, he sent a quick text to Harry, asking if he wanted to come over after footie practice. Zayn had some plans with Liam, shocking, and they weren’t coming to the pub later. Louis felt too tired for that anyway. A movie night with Harry sounded tempting. Before he managed to get to the kitchen, Harry had already replied with a simple ‘Of course.’

It made Louis smile.

While in the kitchen he grabbed a box of cereal from the cabinet and a bowl from the other. He tossed them onto the counter and pulled out a carton of milk from the fridge. He sniffed it to check it’s validity and then poured it over his Coco Pops. He didn’t bother going to the living room, it would be easier to eat over at the small breakfast bar.

He scrolled through his Twitter whilst waiting for the kettle to boil. It was all quiet, nothing too interesting seemed to be happening. He closed the app when his tea was ready, and decided to move on to his emails. He shoved a spoonful of cereal into his mouth.

What the fuck, he mumbled to himself when he saw his unread emails.

There was email after email sent by Ben the Wanker and he was already seeing red without opening any. He opened the first one to read it, then the second and third… Yeah, right. They all were just stupid ramblings about things they have done in rehearsals last week when Louis had skipped all those and he just went on and on.

Louis was fuming. He knew Ben had a point and probably James had asked him to send that information, but couldn’t he just write it all in one mail, not send a dozen. And why the hell had he sent all those in the middle of the night? To make him feel like a VIP? As if. That fucking obnoxious twat.

Louis lost his appetite and threw the bowl with its contents into the sink. He grabbed his tea and went outside to have a cigarette. The rushed drags and the still fairly crisp air calmed him slightly. He sat there for a few more minutes before starting to feel cold without the protection of his jacket. He went in and picked up his phone, still laying on the counter, text waiting to be read.

H: I was thinking, maybe we could cook something. Instead of ordering in?

We. That wasn’t the point of the text, you moron.

L: Yeah, that sounds good. But I’m afraid my fridge might be quite empty again.

H: Not a problem. I actually already did some shopping. Maybe I could drop them at yours before we go to practice?

L: You’re awesome. Works for me!

H: And I was wondering if I could use your shower after, so I could come to yours straight after. If that’s ok?

L: Of course it’s ok. See you then.

Louis was smiling again. He cleaned the mess he had made earlier and did a quick once over of the kitchen. It should be ready for Harry now. He made another cup of tea before making his way up to the top floor. He checked the guest room, just in case Harry wanted to sleep over, and moved to his music room or studio, whatever you want to call it.

It wasn’t big, but it was still one of Louis’ favourite places in the house. It had wooden flooring like other rooms, but large plush carpets were placed on the floor to help with the acoustics. He had done the same with curtains and some acoustic panels on the walls. The windows were big and faced out onto the street. There was a piano set next to the one wall and guitars and audio equipment on the other. A few bean bag chairs were dotted here and there and a couple of more firmer chairs if they were needed. It wasn’t perfect, but it was perfect for Louis.

It was his happy place.

And after the day he spent here with Harry, it had made it even happier. It still made him groan when he thought back to his behavior at their scone outing. What on earth had made him act like that?

Jealousy. It was that.

Harry had been talking so happily about Ed and his music, and how they spent the whole day just playing and jamming. It had made a string of jealous pangs go through him and he just blurted his words out about them playing together some day. And of course, Harry had said yes.

The ever lovely Harry.

He probably couldn’t say no to him anyone, but this time Louis was happy he hadn’t. Whatever his reasons were.

So, Louis had asked him in the pub if he wanted to come play with him. Zayn was going to some party later, and had even asked if Louis wanted to join him, but he wasn’t in the mood for that. He was in the mood for Harry.

After their usual two pints, Harry had gone home to shower and change, that’s why he was probably asking about showering now, and then came back later. They had ordered Chinese and waited for it to be delivered by watching some pointless shows on the telly. They had eaten, put the leftovers to the fridge and then climbed up the stairs.

Harry had been thrilled to see the room and the guitars, but he had been the most astonished by the piano.

“I didn’t know you had a piano!” He exclaimed in awe and stared at Louis and the piano. “Like, of course, I heard you play piano. I have seen some old YouTube videos of you with keyboards in some interviews, but I never thought you would have an actual piano. I don’t know why, because absolutely, you would have a piano.” Harry was babbling happily and all Louis could do was to stare at his beautiful, beautiful mouth. Louis wanted to kiss him.

Badly.

He didn’t. Instead he was successful in giving Harry an answer to his question, which wasn’t even a question.

“I do have a piano.” He grinned “It’s actually the only thing I brought from my LA house. Excluding my personal stuff, of course. But like furniture wise.”

He paused for a moment.

“Is a piano even classed as furniture? Or does it belong to personal stuff, like guitars?” He asked furrowing his brows.

“I think it’s a little bit of both, if you ask me. Like it’s personal, because it’s a musical instrument. But it’s also so big and immovable, so it’s also a piece of furniture.” Harry explained his point of view.

“That makes sense, as a matter of fact.” Louis agreed. “But anyway, even though I didn’t want any of the other furniture I had bought there, I wanted my piano to be delivered here. It’s one the first buys I made after I bought my house in LA. I even didn’t have a couch, but I had a piano.” Louis laughed at the memory before adding. “But it has sentimental value for me.” He shrugged like it was nothing.

“Of course, it has! I still have my first guitar, no matter how worn out it is. I could never throw it away! I have a much better one now, but I still play with my old one sometimes. When I sometimes feel soppy or just want to remember some older stuff. It’s stupid, but, yeah…” Harry said pushing his fingers through his hair and looking a bit ashamed.

“There is nothing stupid about being emotional sometimes. And for me that piano somehow symbolises my freedom. I don’t even know why. Maybe because it was still at a time before all the shit started to happen and like, when I’m playing I don’t have to think about other stuff. I can just be me.” Louis finished and didn’t know what to do next. Because this was already the second time he had sort-of come out to Harry. Not straight out, but hidden between the lines. He didn’t know why he had such a strong urge to tell Harry things he hasn’t spoken to anyone about in years. But he still felt too afraid to say those exact words, he was just hoping Harry would get it.

“You can always be yourself with me, Louis.” Harry said, locking their eyes. The lump in his throat was back and Louis desperately tried to swallow it. He was getting too emotional to speak, so he just nodded and whispered ‘Thank you’ to Harry who was still looking at him.

“Come here.” Harry said and pulled Louis into a tight hug. He could feel Harry’s face pressing into his shoulder and puffs of warm breath against his neck. He never wanted to let go.

Eventually, he had to. Harry didn’t say anything, he just pressed a soft kiss to Louis' hair before loosening his hold and smiling beautifully.

Louis wanted to cry. But he forced himself to smile and step back from Harry.

“You want to play?” Louis said and the moment was over.

They played and it had been so much fun. It had been a while since Louis had done it with anyone. Harry had played guitar and Louis piano, or both had played guitars, even though he wasn’t as talented as Harry at it. And sometimes they just sang.

It was the first time Louis had actually heard Harry’s singing voice properly and he was mesmerised by it. It was deep and a bit raspy, and it made ripples go through Louis’ spine. He could just listen to it for the rest of his life and then die happily.

“Your voice is amazing!” He said it aloud too. How could he not to?

“Thank you, Louis. It’s nothing compared to yours, but it’s nice of you to say.” Harry smiled.

Hasn’t he ever heard his voice? Because that was understatement of the year, Louis thought.

“That is bull shit and you know it too.” Louis answered sharply. “But now that I’ve heard it properly, I feel a bit guilty.” Louis said and Harry looked at him confused.

“Why would you feel guilty?” Harry asked and furrowed his brows.

“Because, it was kind of my fault that your audition on the X-Factor didn’t go as it should have. Because with that voice you’d have gone through hands down, if I hadn’t have bumped into you earlier. And if you had been on the live shows, the audience would have loved you, I just know it.” Louis said, feeling really bad.

“You have nothing to feel guilty or sorry for.” Harry laughed. “That disaster was my own fault, and mine alone. But like I said to you before, I’m glad with how things have worked out. I have seen the unscrupulous nature of show business with my own eyes from what Niall, and now what you have told me too, and I don’t think it is something I would have liked to do. I love to sing and perform too, but professionally? I don’t think that is for me. I am happy with what I do now. Honestly.” Harry sounded sincere and Louis wanted to believe him.

“If you’re happy, then I’m happy too.” Louis said looking at Harry, trying to find something that would give away different feelings. But he couldn’t.

“I am.” Harry answered. “I really am.”

“Good.” Louis said smiling “Then I’m happy to be privileged to hear your voice that you are hiding from the world.”

“Thank you, Lou. But I’m sorry to burst your bubble about exclusivity, because I still sometimes do gigs.” Harry was giggling now. Giggling. It was the most beautiful sound Louis had ever heard. And he just heard Harry singing!

“That’s cruel.” Louis grinned, “But then you have to invite me to your next gig, so I can check if they are appreciating what they’re offered.”

“I will hand you the invitation myself when I know the time and place.” Harry promised.

”I’ll be waiting.” Louis smiled at him.

At some point, voices all tired out, they descended downstairs. Louis made them cuppas and Harry retrieved their cold leftovers from the fridge. They watched a movie while eating, and a couple of hours later, Louis woke up from the couch, his lap now full of a sleeping Harry. He had a small amount of drool running down his jaw and he looked cuter than ever.

”Hey there, Sleeping Beauty.” Louis gently touched the younger boy’s arm.

”Mmm… Did I fall asleep?” Harry asked with a sleepy voice and wiped his mouth on the back of his hand. ”Um… Sorry about that.” He said embarrassed.

”Drooling?” Louis made it clearer.

Harry nodded.

”Don’t worry about it. Everybody drools when they sleep.” Louis assured. And then whispered. ”And fart.”

”I farted?!?” Harry looked horrified. ”Please, tell me I didn’t fart.”

”And that is something we will never find out.” Louis winked, smirking.

”I’ve said it before, but you are evil.” Harry glared. ”I don’t like you right now.”

”And yet, you are cuddling me, your arch enemy.” Louis reminded him.

”Umm… Sorry about that, too.” Harry apologised. ”I — I just like to cuddle. Ask Niall, he thinks I’m hopeless.”

”I’m quite a cuddler myself.” Louis admitted pulling Harry a little bit closer. “Meaning to say, I like this, too.”

“You do?” Harry lifted his head slightly from Louis’ lap to get a better look at him. “You’re not just saying that to make me feel better?”

“I’m not. Growing up with loads of little siblings and a very cuddly mum, makes you a cuddler too I’m afraid.” Louis explained, still feeling Harry’s gaze on his face, all sleepy and soft. Louis could sense the blush creeping onto his face and thanked the upper forces for the dim lightning.

“Maybe we should go to sleep in proper beds. Otherwise our backs are going to kill us.” Louis continued to talk giving himself enough distraction from Harry. “You’re gonna sleep over, yeah?”

“Yeah, if that’s ok.” Harry answered, finally withdrawing his eyes away from Louis when he stood up from the couch.

“I’ve told you this before and I’ll say this now for the final time. You are always welcome to sleep here if you want to. You don’t have to be so awfully bashful every fucking time. Got it?” Louis said, but his harsh sounding words didn’t match with his smiley expression, so Harry just nodded at him, “Got it.”

“Good.” Louis said. “Now, let’s go to bed.”

Harry had slept in the already familiar guest room and Louis in his own. The next morning it had been easy to continue from where they had finished last night. After breakfast, they had settled on the couch to watch some more telly before Harry went home, it had been so natural for them to cuddle again.

It had been scarily natural.

*

“What the fuck is that?” Louis cried out when Harry pulled a UFO looking monster out of his blue IKEA bag he had brought with him earlier today.

“It’s a wok.” Harry beamed.

“That, in fact, did not answer my question. So, if you don’t mind clarifying a bit more before I have to call pest control to take care of it.” Louis eyed the odd looking thing hanging from Harry’s hand like it was going to grow wings and fly away.

“A wok is an Asian kitchen tool,” Harry explained. “It’s like a large, deep frying pan. I was thinking we could cook a stir-fry. Like Chinese food.”

“So you needed to bring your entire kitchen with you?” Louis asked, watching Harry unload the contents of the bag onto the worktop. Some bottles and jars, a pot with a cord (wtf?) and then—

“Jesus fucking Christ, Harry! What is that?” Louis shrieked and took a step back.

“It’s a chopping knife.” Harry answered beaming again.

“Do they use it for chopping off heads?” Louis inquired. “Because that, my friend, is something you would assume to find from Henry The Eighth, after he beheaded one of his wives. Maybe with a bit more blood on it, but otherwise I see no difference.”

“Don’t be silly, Lou. It’s just a Chinese knife.” Harry said and patted the knife, which had a blade that was at least double the size of his iPhone 11, like it was his long-lost son rather than an axe which could chop your toe off if you accidentally dropped it.

He really started to regret letting Harry into his kitchen again.

“And when you cook Chinese food, you have to use a Chinese knife, too? Otherwise it wouldn’t be Chinese? Just food?” Louis asked.

“Of course, you can use regular knives, too. But I just like to use these when I make stir-frys. I know it’s stupid, but—”

“Don’t you ever patronise yourself, Harry. You can do whatever you want, don’t let me or any other person decide what you can or cannot do. Is that clear?” Louis asked at the end of his preach.

“Yeah,” Harry nodded a bit confused by Louis' unexpected burst.

“Good. And now that we have done that, could you kindly tell me why there is a cord in a pot? Do I even dare ask?” Louis pointed at the desktop.

“It’s a rice steamer.” Harry announced.

“Of course, it is.” Louis deadpanned and already regretted asking about the pot. “Maybe we should just get started?”

“Ok.” Harry replied delighted. “Just one more thing before we start!”

Louis didn’t ask. He just watched as Harry returned to his Mary Poppins style bag and pulled some clothes out of there.

Maybe he’s brought his own curtains too, Louis though.

They weren’t curtains. They were aprons. One white one with the text “Oh Deer” and horns attached to the ‘O’, and the other was hot pink and read “Hot stuff coming through”.

Louis felt a headache coming on any minute.

“Which one do you want?” Harry asked.

“Is it like if I fail at some point, you’re going to take the apron back and set it on fire?” Because definitely, this was starting to remind him of an episode of Hell’s Kitchen more and more every minute. Louis was just waiting for Harry to hang a picture of him with a hook on the wall.

It didn’t happen.

Louis grabbed the white apron and put it on leaving Harry the pink one, which he happily took. He tied it tightly around his waist. The apron highlighted his narrow hip and when he turned around to get ingredients out of the fridge, all Louis could see was his perky little bum. He wanted to grab those cheeks and push Harry against the counter. Suddenly, he was feeling a very different kind of hunger.

Screw the cooking, he could just eat Harry.

“Ready?” Louis heard Harry say somewhere in distance and startled awake from his daydreams. Oh, the cooking.

“Yeah, let’s cook.” Louis sighed and walked up to the stove.  
The actual cooking wasn’t as bad as the preparations had been and Louis had enjoyed it. For real. Harry had been a patient teacher and explained everything carefully. He even convinced Louis to try the axe knife. Which, by the way, had been much easier to use than Louis had anticipated. And he still had his fingers left, thank you very much.

All the cooking had taken time, but it had been fun and informative. As a result, they had steaming hot portions of chicken and vegetables with cashew nuts and a spicy black bean sauce that Louis had made from scratch, with a lot of assistance from Harry, served with steamed rice. Louis hadn’t eaten the whole day because his breakfast had been ruined, and he hadn’t had time to eat lunch before Harry had arrived because he had gotten absorbed in his singing. And then they had left for footie practice. It went without saying, he was starving.

Lucky for him, the dinner turned out to be delicious. Once again, they ate on the couch. After they had cleaned the kitchen, they returned to the living room where they cuddled and watched movies.

*

It was already getting late, past ten anyway and Harry was half laying in Louis’ lap. They had sat in silence for a while before Harry started to talk.

“My stepdad has cancer.” Louis heard Harry say quietly, pressing himself that little bit tighter against Louis’ small frame. Louis could feel his whole body stiffen. Cancer. He never wanted to hear that word again.

“He got the diagnosis almost three years ago.” Harry continued to speak and Louis pulled him closer. He even didn’t know if he was doing it more for Harry or himself.

He felt the blood rushing to his head. Cancer. Just one word and all the memories had started to flow over him and he was drowning.

“He was operated on then. He got some more treatment and was getting better.” Louis could barely hear the words Harry was saying. He hugged Harry even more tighter to give him comfort and to stop his own body from shaking.

Cancer. He usually doesn’t even let himself think about it. Fuck cancer.

“Then a few months ago, he was starting to show the symptoms again. He went to see the doctor and even before he got the results, we kind of knew it was back.” Louis could hear the sorrow in Harry’s voice but he was speaking so calmly. How could he be so fucking calm? Louis felt like he wanted to scream and he was just listening. Louis pressed his chin to the top of Harry’s head and tried to ease his breath.

“But still hearing those words that it was worse than we expected. The cancer had returned and it had already spread. There was nothing they could do. It could be a month or it could be a year, but it was in the terminal stage. That’s what they told us.” Harry’s voice was barely a whisper now.

It’s terminal.

Louis could remember his own mum telling him the same words as Harry now. Louis’ throat was feeling so tight and he swallowed hard trying to get the lump to disappear. His eyes were so close to tearing up. But he couldn't cry. He just couldn’t. Not now.

Not ever.

He blinked his eyes rapidly and wiped the tears that were relentlessly trying to escape from the corner of his eye. He didn’t let it fall.

Louis forced himself to calm down. Harry, sweet precious Harry, was pouring his heart out to Louis and all he could think about was himself. How could he be so fucking selfish?!

“So, basically now we are just waiting. Right now, everything is good. Or as good as it can be. He is home and feeling quite alright. But it’s there all the time. The feeling that today could be the last day.” Harry’s voice was shaking a bit. “And I’m feeling so guilty that I’m here. I want to be there. I want to spend as much time with him as possible before it’s too late. But I can’t. I live here. My job is here. I just can’t just take off and leave this all behind. And I know if I were to try, my mom wouldn’t let me. Robin neither. They made that quite clear.” Louis could now hear a little smile in Harry’s voice. It made him smile slightly too.

“But, it is what it is. The whole situation. There really isn’t much I can do, is there?” Harry didn’t expect an answer and continued his monologue. “But I talk to them every day, FaceTiming but mostly texting. I try to visit home as often as possible. Just a few days every now and then whenever I get the chance. I do all I can and it has to be enough. But it is just so fucking hard sometimes. Niall isn’t here now and I’m home alone. I just feel lonely, you know.” Harry turned slightly and looked at Louis. “I’m just so grateful to have met you. You are such a good friend, Lou.” He said smiling.

Louis didn’t feel like a good friend right now. In fact, he was feeling the complete opposite. Fucking shite is what he was. Harry’s sad, beautiful eyes were staring up at him, and Louis forced himself to say something to Harry.

“Thank you, Harry. I don’t know about that though. You’re the amazing one here. You are so strong. So, so strong. I don’t know if you even realise that. You are such a good person. Even though you have so much going on in your life, you are still so kind and friendly to everyone. You are always making other people happy and that is just so wonderful. I’m so proud to call you my friend, Harry. So proud.” Louis finished.

Ok. Where the hell did that come from?

He was mentally breaking down, his brain was just circling the words ‘Cancer’ and ‘Terminal,’ over and over again. He wasn’t even able to form a complete sentence, but he had somehow managed all that. Wow!

Now there were tears in Harry’s eyes as he stared back at Louis. “Thank you.” He breathed and embraced Louis, reclining them into the couch again.

“Can we just lie here for a while?” Harry pleaded and Louis just nodded.

Harry sighed and closed his eyes making a small pleased sound.

“You tired?” Louis asked.

“Mmm…” Harry answered in a sleepy voice.

“You can sleep, you know. If you want to.” Louis said while caressing Harry’s short curls.

“Mmmm…” Harry mumbled again, snuggling closer to Louis. He looked so beautiful and peaceful. Louis envied him over the latter.

His own head was an absolute mess. He kept stroking Harry’s hair with one hand, and with the other he was pressing the nails deeply against his palm. It hurt, but it didn’t help. He was already too deep. He knew it, but he was still trying to escape, even if it seemed pointless.

Fuck. Fuckfuckfuck. Why was he like this? So fucking powerless against his own mind. So fucking weak.

He was so restless again. The urge was already so strong. Stronger than he’d been in a long time. Harry’s words had opened so many doors in his mind. Things he had tried so hard to forget. All the feelings he had had to go through.

Terminal. Terminal. Terminal.

He could still hear his mum’s voice when she told Louis she wasn’t going to get better. That she was going to die. Louis pressed his eyes closed tightly and tried to soothe himself. He was breathing so heavily and yet he couldn’t get any air.

He needed to get out.

Louis moved carefully, trying not to wake Harry who was now huffing lightly in his lap. Louis took a pillow and placed it under Harry’s head. He continued sleeping. Good.

Louis snuck out into the garden because he really needed a cigarette. He took out his carton to dig one up. He lifted it to his lips, lit it and took a long drag. He felt his nerves loosen slightly. But it wasn’t enough. He kept pacing while he smoked. One. Two. Three drags. It just wasn’t enough. He needed more. He was now pressing his hands against his skull. Like trying to exorcise the evil spirit out. It didn’t help.

It just didn’t help.

He wasn’t thinking anymore, he just did what he needed to do. He stepped inside and made a beeline to the kitchen. He went through the cupboards and fridge. Nothing. But that wasn't a surprise. He usually didn’t keep much stuff on hold. It would be too easy.

Louis returned to the living room where Harry was still sleeping. He took a blanket and covered him carefully. He scrawled a note in case Harry woke up saying he’ll be back in a minute.

He was on autopilot now. He heard his own, weak voice saying don’t do it, don’t do it, don’t do it… But it was too late now. His own words were drowning under the louder demand. The beast was awake and it had won again. He just knew it. He was way past the point of no return. He felt like he was drifting helplessly in a pitch-black sea and couldn’t find the shore again. And the devil was laughing smugly. Louis would do anything to make it stop. But he couldn’t.

The front door clicked shut behind him.

It was already dark outside and that made things easier. He didn’t have to see the faces of the strangers walking on the street. Like no one would ever care, but the shame he was already feeling was a lot easier to hide in the dark. Louis walked to the nearby drugstore. He stopped for a while at the door and made a final futile attempt to halt his actions, but the beast was too clamorous.

It always was.

Louis grabbed the basket, dove between the shelves and started to collect goods without giving them too much thought. A couple of candy bars, a bag of crisps and a packet of Oreos. A Coke Zero. Water. Yes, he needs water. He moved towards the counter. They were also selling some sandwiches. Maybe one…

He took two.

Louis felt the gaze of the cashier on him. Did he recognise it was him again? Doing some sneaky late night shopping. He had to go somewhere else next time. He felt his face burning up while he was paying. He asked to double bag his shopping so no one could see through it. It was pointless, but he did it anyway. He bolted out and headed towards the Hudson River. There were parks and he could find a quiet place. He was half-running now. Soon.

There was a hot dog stand on his way. He bought one.

Louis found a bench near the walkway, but apart enough not to be seen. This was good. He sat down and placed his shopping bag next to him. The seat was cold and a bit damp, but it didn’t matter now. He opened his Coke and put it on the other side. Then he took the first bite of his hot dog. He could feel his nerves loosen immediately. It didn’t take long to finish the hot dog. Afterwards he felt like he just had a tiny orgasm. He was feeling so relaxed.

He moved on to the candy bars. The sweetness was quite overpowering and was already making him feel uncomfortable. He needed something savory for the balance. Maybe a sandwich. He was filling up fast. Euphoria after the first bites had already started to fade. Instead, he felt the nausea building up, but he just couldn’t stop. He had to stop, but he couldn’t. The urge was so strong. Way too strong to break. So, he just carried on. Oreos, crisps…

He was just about to burst.

The next thing he knew he was vomiting behind the bench. Water ran from his eyes and dampened his face when he was emptying the contents of his stomach. He stuck his fingers down his throat to make sure everything was out. He felt so sick and ashamed. He took a few sips of water to get the horrible taste out of his mouth and rinsed his fingers, too. He sat down on the bench again leaning his elbows against his knees and pressing his head to his palms. He wanted to cry. Maybe he did. He didn’t know if the tears were from hurling or something else. He felt so empty, he had to get his shit together. He couldn’t go back home looking like this. He poured some water onto his hands and tried to wash his face.

A bit better. Yeah.

Well, actually, not so much. He just felt utterly shit.

Why had he done this again? Would he never learn?

He loathed himself so much right now. He just wanted to cry and forget that the last forty five minutes of his life ever happened. Just undo it. Pleasepleaseplease…

But, of course, it didn’t happen.

He sighed and got up onto slightly wobbly legs. He had to go before Harry woke up and started to wonder. But what if he had already woken up?! Louis started to feel panic arise in his chest. He needed a plan. A back up story. Just in case.

When Louis entered the house, he found Harry sitting on the couch looking very dazed.

“Hi. Where have you been?” He asked, sounding sleepy.

“Uuh, sorry. I just ran out of cigarettes. Went to get some more.” Louis lied. Well, he had bought ciggies too, but. You know.

“In the middle of the night? I didn’t know you were that addicted. You don’t seem to smoke that much.” Harry said looking at him and Louis was sure he could see through his lies.

“I’m not. But I just wanted to get some fresh air, too. So, I decided to go.” Louis lied again. He hated himself.

“Ok. Smoking isn’t good for you.” Harry said and added after a small pause. “Sorry, I did it again. Preaching, I mean.”

Louis let it slip. At the moment, smoking wasn’t the biggest problem he had. And he knew, Harry didn’t mean it like that. But he hated it anyway.

“I got you something, too.” Louis forced a smile on his face and waved a brown take-away bag in his hand.

“Oh,” Harry shouted shrilly. “What did you get me?” He really was a man-sized toddler, Louis thought fondly.

“A muffin. Chocolate one. Want it?” Louis asked.

“Yes, please. Thank you, Lou.” Harry smiled happily.

“I’ll just get you something to drink. I was gonna make a cuppa for myself. You want one too?” Louis asked on his way to the kitchen.

“Yes, please. If you don’t mind. Black, please.” Harry shouted from the living room.

“Thank you. Want some?’ Harry asked after Louis had placed their mugs on the table and pulled out the muffin. Louis felt nauseous just looking at it.

“No, thanks. I’m good. I bought it for you, anyway.” Louis said, feeling the self-loathing rise again. He just watched as Harry ate the muffin wondering if he would ever be able to eat one without feeling guilty.

After Harry had eaten, both of them were just laying on the couch almost snoozing.

“You want to go to bed? You’re already half asleep.’ Louis asked when he saw Harry yawning widely.

“Yeah, I’m pretty tired.” Harry nodded looking Louis in the eyes.

“Ok. Let’s go then.” Louis replied and stretched out his hand to lift Harry up off the couch.

Harry didn’t let go of Louis’ hand when he was up and Louis felt something warm inside his chest.

They climbed upstairs hand in hand. When they reached Louis’ bedroom door, he turned to face Harry.

“If you want, you can sleep in the guest room as usual. But to be honest, I wouldn’t mind a little cuddle tonight. But it’s up to you which one you prefer.’ Louis said bashfully.

“I think I also need some cuddles tonight. So, I’d like to sleep in your bed. If it’s fine with you.’ Harry answered his cheeks looking a bit flushed. Maybe it was just the lighting. Anyway, it was enough to release a little smile on Louis’ face.

They brushed their teeth and crawled under the duvet.

“Big spoon or little spoon?” Louis asked, even though he guessed the answer.

“Little spoon.” Harry answered blushing heavily. Louis had known it.

“C’mon, love. Turn around.” Louis said, and when Harry had obeyed, he wrapped his arms around Harry’s warm body. Harry snuggled down and whispered: “Good night, Lou.”

“Good night, Curly.” Louis whispered back.

The night had been one of his worst for a long time. But as Louis closed his eyes, laying next to the curly haired boy, he felt a little bit more peaceful for the first time in years.

*

The next morning Louis woke up with long limbs tangled around him like an octopus. It’d been a long time since he had woken with someone lying next to him, but it felt so good. Even though it had been a totally platonic sleepover, it still made Louis feel better than he had been in ages. He banished the unpleasant thoughts creeping into his mind, and decided to enjoy this moment a little bit longer.

Harry shifted lightly and tightened his embrace and then— Oh. God. Louis could feel Harry’s hard dick pressing against his arse.

It was a big one!

Jesus. Ok, Tomlinson. Just get your shit together and move!

Louis didn’t move. It was kind of awkward to feel Harry’s (your friend he reminded himself) cock huddled against his backside. And all he wanted to do was to grind his hips back against it. Thank God, they were both wearing pants.

It was uneasy, but it was also turning him on. And that was… well awkward. Louis could feel his own dick stiffening in his briefs. He really needed to start wanking more often.

Maybe now was a good time to start. He could feel Harry move again behind him. Or maybe not. Louis could hear him making little noises predicting he was waking up. What the hell should I do now?

“Morning, Lou.” Louis heard a husky voice behind him saying. Hearing that voice was definitely not a turn off. Louis could tell. And feel.

“Morning, Haz.” Louis answered, but didn’t move. How could he?

Louis could tell the moment Harry realised where his dick was settled. He first froze and then backed off quickly.

“Oh shit, Louis. I’m so sorry. I… I didn’t mean to. I… just. Fuck!” Harry babbled sounding horrified.

“Calm down, Harry. It’s just morning wood. It happens to everyone. Actually, I’m having the same situation here right now.” Louis said, turning to look at Harry.

And why on earth would you say that, Louis asked himself. He could see Harry relax slightly. Maybe it was a good thing after all.

“What is wrong with me? My awkward moments always seem to include dicks and Louis Tomlinson at same time.” Harry was grinning but his cheeks were blushing. He just looked adorable.

“Maybe we just have to get used to them.” Louis answered laughing. And, what?!?

“What…?” Harry echoed his thoughts.

Well, THIS was awkward. Just say something smart and laugh at it. Now, please!

“Erm…” He started. Very smooth. Very, very smooth.

“I mean, when we get used to each other dicks, it won’t feel so awkward anymore.” Louis blurted next. Now just stop talking! For fucks sake.

Harry stared at Louis, fish mouthing.

This was just brilliant. Save yourself, Tomlinson. Now!

“I have to wee.” Louis eventually said and bolted to the bathroom.

Nice save, champ!

Louis leaned back against the sink and stared at himself in the mirror. What the hell is wrong with you, he asked soundlessly to himself while washing his hands. He brushed his teeth and took a quick shower. He took a t-shirt and some sweatpants from the closet across from the bathroom and dressed in them before returning to the bedroom.

Harry was now sitting on the bed. He was still looking a little bashful. No wonder though. Louis just decided to act normally.

“Hey. There’s a clean towel in the bathroom, if you want to take a shower. Just take your time. I’ll be downstairs. Come down when you’re ready.” Louis smiled at him reassuringly, he hoped, at least. He gritted his teeth together to keep the smile on his face, knowing he probably looked like that Chrissy Teigen meme.

Harry startled a bit before answering.

“Oh, thanks. I think I'll do that. Yes. Thank you. Definitely. Good.” Ok, so Harry wasn’t doing any better, Louis thought. Although he wasn’t blurting out embarrassingly awkward sentences from his pretty mouth.

Blowjob mouth.

After that thought, Louis ran away again.

“Good. See you soon!” He shouted before rushing downstairs.

Louis went out to the garden to have a smoke. It was still a bit chilly, but it was clear. The sun was already shining but the temperature was still waiting to rise.

Louis let his mind wander to last night while sitting in the 3-seater swing. It had been so bad. He was still having the hangover-y feeling he used to have after his... attacks. But like usual, his mental condition was way worse than his physical condition. But he must admit to himself that the earlier incident with Harry easied his mind quite a lot. Maybe he should embarrass himself more frequently.

Or maybe not, he thought when he saw Harry stepping outside. He sauntered over to the swing and plopped down next to Louis.

“So,” He grinned, glancing at Louis. “I think we’re even now.”

Louis burst out laughing.

“Yeah, I think you’re right.” He said, still laughing. Harry was laughing too.

“All good?” Harry double-checked.

“All good.” Louis nodded. “Now c’mon. Let’s have breakfast. My treat.” Louis took a lead to go back inside

“I bet it is, Tomlinson.” Harry smirked.

“Shut the fuck up, Styles. I might change my mind.” Louis poked his tongue.

“No, you won’t.” Harry answered confidently.

“No, I won’t.” Louis admitted.

Maybe this was going to be a good day after all.

*

They had ended up having brunch in this nice, little restaurant in West Village. The awkwardness of the morning was forgotten, and the couple of bellini’s they had while eating eased the tension. The weather had been nice and the midday April sun was warm enough for them to sit at one of the tables outside. The street was getting rather busy and Louis definitely felt that some of the by-passers recognised him. One of them even took a picture of him without any shame, even though she knew Louis had noticed her. Harry noticed her too.

“Is it bothering you?” Harry asked, trying not to look where she stood.

“Kind of, yeah. I’m just so used to it that most of the time it’s just easier to ignore it.” Louis shrugged. “And it had been so much worse before. I’m not in the spotlight anymore, you know. Two years in showbiz can feel like a lifetime. There are so many new faces coming up all the time, so if you don’t stay current and upfront, you are forgotten.”

“Umm—” Harry started. Louis waited for him to continue, but he just kept quiet. Harry took a napkin from the holder and started to fiddle with it.

“Harry?” Louis asked when he had picked up on Harry’s nervous energy. “Did you want to say something?”

“Umm. I — you,” Harry started again before he breathed his question in continuous flow of words. “Isitbotheringyouthatyouwillbeseenwithme?”

“Come again?” Louis asked after Harry’s nonsensical outburst. “And this time a little bit slower, please.”

Wow, that was a sentence Louis never thought he would have to use.

“I asked if it bothers you that you will be seen with me?” Harry repeated in a slower than slow voice.

“Why would it bother me?” Louis asked furrowing his brows.

“Like, because-” Harry stopped again, as if summoning the strength to carry on. “Because I’m gay. And those articles. And now there will be pictures of us on Twitter or somewhere. And-”

“Harry,” Louis stopped his ramble. “No. Of course, it doesn’t bother me. You are my friend. And, to be honest, I don’t give a fuck if there will be photos of us on the internet. Like someone wise told me earlier, if something comes up, I should trust that my manager will deal with it. Does that ring any bells?”

“Yeah, he must be a very wise person.” Harry smiled at him.

“Yes, he is. But I think, sometimes he just gets too uncertain of himself and starts to doubt what he has said. I also think he should stop worrying too much. Wonder if it’s possible?” Louis asked.

“Maybe. Or, at least, he can try.” Harry smiled.

“Good.” Louis said. “One more bellini before we go?”

*

Afterwards they went back to Louis’ to get Harry’s cooking equipment before he went home. They ended up on the couch again, telly quietly playing background, but neither of them really paid any attention to it.

They were sitting next to each other, knees touching and Harry’s head resting against Louis’ shoulder. Like every other time, Louis couldn’t resist combing his fingers through Harry’s silky curls.

”I’m sorry.” Louis said suddenly.

”What for?” Harry lifted his head slightly and looked at Louis surprised.

”About yesterday.” Louis explained. ”When you told me about your stepdad and I just didn’t respond in any way.”

”But you did. You gave me the whole speech about being strong. And I know it’s a hard situation to say anything. It was more to get it all out of my head anyway. I didn’t expect you to react or say anything.” Harry answered.

”I know, it’s hard, but I have been there. I know how it feels. Well, I don’t know how you feel, but I remember all the things I had to go through when my mum got sick.” Louis tried to keep his emotions at bay as he spoke.

”You want to talk about it?” Harry asked quietly and turned to look at Louis.

”I don’t usually talk about it.” Louis whispered and swallowed hard.

”You don’t have to, if you don’t want to. But if you want to do so, I’m here to listen.” Harry said turning his head more, and suddenly, he was so close Louis could feel his warm breath on his.

”Yeah?” Louis asked and Harry was smiling.

”Yeah.” Harry confirmed. But all Louis could think was that Harry was so close and he was so beautiful and soft. He just couldn’t stop staring at him.

Then everything from there went in slow motion. Harry had turned his head and was now looking straight into Louis eyes, into his soul. His gaze was so intense it made Louis’ face heat up but there was no chance he could, or would, look away. Except to glance down at his sinful, pink lips only to return back to Harry’s moss green eyes. He could feel Harry move toward him, not letting his gaze drop, still staring deep into Louis’ eyes. He was getting closer and all Louis could think was kiss me, kiss me, kiss me.

He was still able to feel Harry’s warm breath, they were so close. Even closer than before. Louis started to lean in and close the distance between their lips, when there was a loud bang on the door coming from the downstairs unit, startling them out of the trance they had been in. Louis closed his eyes trying to catch his breath again.

”I - I’ve got to go now. I have a cat. At home. Alone. Cat!” He heard Harry talking something in the distance. ”Bye.”

When Louis opened his eyes again, Harry was gone.

And then Louis was alone.

Louis was left to sit on the couch feeling more confused than ever. His fingers were still caressing the lips Harry nearly touched and hoping their almost kiss wasn’t just the product of his own imagination. Hoping, there might be a chance.

But now he was alone. So alone. He didn’t know what to do. Harry, his mum, and the beast in his head.

All he knew was it was too much to handle.


	9. Chapter 9

[One Direction - Through the Dark](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q3164inuJvg)

Harry  
April, 2017

Harry heard a loud ‘thump’ of the door closing behind him when he rushed out of the house. He almost waited to hear Louis’ voice behind him, but nothing ever happened. So, he ran. He was glad he was wearing his Vans instead of his usual Chelsea boots. Although, in his state of mind, he wasn’t sure if it would’ve made any difference. He would have ran anyway. He didn’t stop until he reached 14th Street, and even then, only because he had to.

He leaned against a dirty brick wall trying to get air into his lungs. His breath was wheezing and he thought he was going to have an asthma attack; he hadn’t had one for years now. However, the worst part was that the shame also caught up with him. When he had been running, he didn’t have to think. Now all it came back in a flurry.

His heart was pounding and his cheeks were burning with embarrassment. He wished he could blame the bellinis for his behavior, but he knew that wasn’t true. Maybe they had given him a little bit more courage, but at the end of the day, it was all about Louis. He had been so close and smelled so sweet, like peaches. And Harry was way too weak when it came to him.

Weak for those blue eyes.

Now they had been closer than ever and Harry had been drowning in them. Louis’ lips, very red and soft, had been magnetic. Harry couldn’t help but lean closer to close the gap between them and taste the sweetness of them. When Harry closed his eyes, he could still see Louis’ baby blue’s in front of him. So beautiful and sad—

Harry’s eyes popped open with a shock of realisation. He just wanted to bury himself into the nearest rubbish bin because that is what he was. A pile of rubbish. Louis had been talking about his mum, his dead mum, and Harry had tried to kiss him.

What a prick.

He kicked a pebble lying on the street, almost hitting an older woman passing by. She gave him an angry look and muttered something Harry couldn’t decipher. He knew for sure it wasn’t going to be anything friendly. Harry gave her an apologetic smile, but she didn’t respond in any way.

Maybe next he should kick a puppy or something. He seemed to be on a roll again.

Harry marched the rest of the way home, seething to himself. He really needed something to do. I could start boxing, he thought. Technique number one could be ‘punch yourself in the face’ or something equally relaxing.

Fortunately, he was already close to home, so he didn’t have any more time to do more damage out on the street. He slammed the door closed behind him, kicked off his shoes and stomped into the living room.

“Hiya Haz!!!” Harry heard a loud shout coming from the couch. What he saw was next was his phone vaulting into the air before smashing on the wooden floor.

Well, isn’t this just fucking great! Harry cursed before turning towards the origin of the voice.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” Harry snapped at Niall who was watching him, grinning, Blue settled on his lap.

“Nice to see you too, H. Bad day?” Niall said biting his bottom lip to prevent himself from laughing.

“The best ever.” Harry deadpanned and took a peek at his phone. From his vantage point, it certainly didn’t look good.

“Want to tell me about it?” Niall asked, now looking a bit more concerned.

“Maybe later.” Harry sighed. “But yeah, good to see you too. I didn’t know you were coming home.” Harry said and tried to remember if Niall had said anything about this before. He couldn’t recall he had.

“Obviously, you didn’t. I, as a matter of fact, got home last night only to find out I’d ended up in an empty flat. Only poor little Blue was home alone.” Niall said, looking like a cat who had killed the canary. All self-satisfied and smug.

“Does being such a ray of sunshine today have anything to do with the sleepover you had? Or am I totally on the wrong track?” Niall continued with a shit-eating grin on his stupid, happy face.

“Hmm.” Harry sneered, but didn’t say anything more.

“Hahaa!” Niall exclaimed. “I knew it! I just knew it. You hooked up! Finally! Who is it? Is it Louis?”

Harry narrowed his eyes slightly, but kept silent.

“It is! You hooked up with Louis fucking Tomlinson! And you haven’t told me anything! Oh Hazza, you little minx!” Niall yelled and bounced on the couch. Harry was starting to get symptoms of a headache.

“First, are we in fucking primary school again? And secondly, there’s nothing to tell. I didn’t hook up with anyone,” Harry said and mentally added and probably never will. But Niall didn’t give up. Did he ever?

“But where did you stay last night? You definitely weren’t here. Although, that might have been the best because I hadn’t seen Kate for a while and we—”

“Niall!” Harry cried and covered his ears pressing his palms against them. He checked if Niall’s mouth had stopped moving before he dropped his hands.

“As lovely it is that you have virile sex life with your girlfriend, Niall, I’d prefer you kept it a tad more private please. I just don’t want to have to rip my ears off yet.” Harry said dryly as Niall just laughed at him.

“When did you become such a prude? If you’re not getting laid, you definitely should be.” Niall, the shithead, continued and Harry didn’t disagree. About getting laid, he means. Maybe he should begin with a wank. He could think about his cock pressing against Louis plump ar—

Harry felt his dick twitch. This was definitely going in the wrong direction now. Getting horny wasn’t the plan for this afternoon. Especially with Niall sitting next to him. He needed something else to think about, rather than Louis’ butt.

My phone! He suddenly remembered.

Harry squatted and picked up the phone. Very fucking brilliant, he thought when he took a look at the shattered screen. Next, he tried to switch it on but nothing happened.

“Shit!” Harry tossed the broken phone on the coffee table still heavily cursing.

“It’s broken?” Niall asked.

“What does it look like to you? Of fucking course it’s broken. Because, it is my phone and today is my lucky fucking day. Fuck!” Harry growled still glaring at the phone.

“Wow, easy.” Niall said furrowing his brows. “Seriously, H. What’s going on? I haven’t seen you like this… ever? Is this about money? I can buy you a new phone, if you are tight on money or something, you know.”

“This is not about money, Niall.” Harry huffed out. “I can buy myself a new phone, and you know I don’t want your money. So, don’t even try.” Harry took a deep breath and let the air come out with a loud exhale. “I have just done something very stupid and I’m in a bad mood. I will get over it, but at the moment I just feel like shit.”

“Maybe you should talk about it? It might help. That’s what you always tell me if I have problems.” Niall reminded him.

“Yeah, I know. I— the whole thing happened just before I came home. If you don’t mind, I would like to take a shower and mope alone for a while. We could talk later?” Harry said and gave Niall a small smile.

“Sure, Haz. Go sulk and have a wank, we’ll talk later.” Niall grinned.

“I’m not going to have a wank.” Harry said as he walked to his bedroom.

He did have a wank.

It just kind of happened. The hot water was running over his shoulders as he was spreading the shower gel all over his body. His hand brushed slightly over his cock, making it twitch again, and a muffled moan escaped his lips. He let his hand wander over his body, soap making it slide easily on his chest before lowering it to his abdomen keeping the touches light on the sensitive area. He spread his legs carefully and let his hand slip between his legs, to touch his balls. Still avoiding his stiffening dick.

He was leaning against the cold wall still rubbing his balls before moving his fingers over his hole. He pressed his middle finger firmly against it and let out a groan. Harry swallowed hard and moved his hand over his hardening dick, wrapping it in his fist and stroking up and down.

A guttural moan escaped his mouth as he repeated the move. He closed his eyes and let his hand move up and down over his hard shaft, twisting a little over the tip. He was picturing himself in bed with Louis, like they had been earlier this morning. Louis’ smaller body in front of him and Harry’s larger one behind, thrusting his dick between Louis’ cheeks. Then spreading them and pushing his finger in to open him up.

Harry’s hand was moving furiously now. Every now and then he slowed down the pace, letting his thumb slide over his slit making his breath hitch. Harry could feel his balls tighten and heat pooling in his stomach. He pressed his eyes closed tighter and when he imagined thrusting his dick into Louis, he was coming hard all over his hand with a whimper.

Harry leant against the wall and let his breath even. He watched the cascading water as it rinsed the come off his hand. He blinked his eyes a few times as he realised what had just happened, pushing himself off the tiles. He washed his hair before stepping out of the shower, feeling much more relaxed than before.

He had definitely needed to get off, Harry thought as he was laying on his bed afterwards, just enjoying the relaxation of his body. He closed his eyes, but didn’t let himself fall asleep. His thoughts wandered back to Louis, but he couldn’t think about the situation now. Niall was probably right and Harry needed to talk with him. Just to get his own head in order before making a move. Not a move, but like taking the next steps. Normal ones. What people tend to do when they have screwed up.

Eventually, Harry got up and dressed. Ready to confront the Irish leprechaun, feeling he was as ready as he would ever be for this talk. Harry sighed and stepped out of the bedroom.

“And in she goes!” Harry heard the oven door closing as he walked into the kitchen and hoping Niall was talking to Blue, not about her.

“Who goes?” Harry asked and without waiting for an answer, bent over to peek inside the oven.

“Chicken!” Niall answered looking like a proud father of a newborn baby in his hands. “I’m making us dinner.”

“And it’s a she?” Harry asked curiously.

“It’s a bird, innit? Niall answered with a voice indicating like it should be taken as the truth.

“Umm…Yes.” Harry agreed. “But I just never thought— nevermind.” This really wasn’t the topic he was going to talk about tonight. Or ever, to be honest.

“It’ll take about an hour to cook. Then we can eat.” Niall said setting the proper period on the kitchen timer.

“Umm…Jamie. Have you noticed that your birdie doesn’t have any seasoning on?” Harry pointed out nodding towards chicken laying on the tray with some vegetables.

“What?!” Niall asked, taking a closer look into the oven, “Shit! Why didn’t you say anything earlier?” He cried out, grabbing the oven mittens and pulling the poor chicken out.

“I’m telling you now.” Harry answered and watched Niall pour a suspicious mix of spices over the chicken before pushing it back into the oven.

“Now the seasoning is on. Everyone can calm down.” Niall announced giving Harry a triumphant gaze.

“Mmm…” Harry mumbled, still uncertain if the seasoning had made the chicken better or not. At least, he still had an hour to escape if this bird fiasco were to take a turn for the worst.

On the other hand, food poisoning might be less painful than his situation with Louis. Maybe he should just go for it.

Harry flopped into the corner of the plush couch and rested his head back knowing he looked like a big X with his limbs all spread out. Blue jumped up next to him, demanding attention. Harry caressed her soft cheek gently and lifted her onto his belly where she happily curled up. These were the little joys in life, having a pet who loves you no matter what you have done.

Harry felt Niall sit down on the other end of the couch, taking a quick peek at him.

”So... Are you ready to talk?” Niall started the conversation just like Harry had predicted.

Harry shrugged. Even if he knew that’s why he was here right now. He just didn’t want to give it up to Niall too fast. He was stubborn.

“By the way, you look much more... How do I say— relaxed— right now?” Niall had that same, ugly shit-eating grin on his face than he had before. Harry just flipped him off.

“And now that you’ve gotten off your frustration, would you, please, tell me what’s bothering you?” Niall couldn’t let it go, apparently.

“Ok.” Harry finally answered hoisting himself up slightly and pulling his legs onto the couch next to him. Blue made a small protesting sound because of the sudden movement but soon settled down again.

“Ok.” Harry repeated. ”I — I just don’t know where to begin.”

“K. Would it make it just easier if I ask you some questions and you could answer?” Niall proposed.

“Yeah. I think so.” Harry answered, sounding relieved. ”Go on, then.”

“Yay.” Niall cheered before starting. ”Is this about Louis?”

Straight to the point then, Harry thought and nodded.

“K. You were staying with him last night, weren’t you?” He asked next and Harry nodded again.

“K. Is this going to be silent conversation?”

Harry nodded again with a big grin.

“Are you in love with him?”

Harry almost nodded again before he realised what Niall just had asked. ”Oooh. Nooo! No. No...?” The last denial was already much weaker than the previous ones.

“You sure?” Niall asked now looking at Harry intensely.

“I— I don’t know. I’ve got feelings for him. Ok? I just— it doesn’t matter anyway. I’ve ruined everything.” Harry let the frustration in his voice be heard.

“And how is that?” Niall asked, now more curious.

“Because, I tried to kiss him...?” Harry admitted.

“Ahaa!” Niall cried out. “Now we’re talking! Yes!” He sounded like a child on Christmas morning. “And how have you ruined it, Haz?”

“He was talking about his mum, who passed away, when I tried to kiss him! You see now? Ruined!” Harry shouted out the last word and heard Niall start laugh. Harry was annoyed, because there really wasn’t anything to laugh about.

“Oh, Haz!” Niall was still laughing. “Did the subject turn you on or something, why did you decide to do that?”

“Oh, what— Of course, not!” Harry sounded horrified. “That’s gross, Niall!”

“Care to tell me more then?” Niall asked.

“Well, we were laying on the couch and I was cuddling him—”

“Awww.” Harry heard Niall, but decided to ignore him this time.

“Anyway. I was sitting next to him, when he mentioned his mum. I had told him about Robin the night before. Then he apologised to me as he hadn’t responded then and he told me he understood what I was going through because he had been there too. I asked if he wanted to talk about it and he said he usually doesn’t but I told him he could talk to me anytime he wanted. He thanked me. And then— I just got sucked into his eyes and I was this close...” Harry showed the mark with his thumb and index finger. “...to kissing him. I would have done it, if his roommate hadn’t arrived home that exact moment.”

“And that’s it? That’s your horrendous story?” Niall asked flatly.

“Didn’t you hear me? He was talking about her and I almost kissed him!” Harry was frustrated.

“H, please. You’re exaggerating now. You made it sound at first, like he had said ”dead” and then you stuck your tongue down his throat—”

“NIALL!!!”

“But what you just told me, was nothing like that.” Niall continued without pausing. “It was more like the aftermath than anything else, and feeling closer to each other.” Niall said simply.

But it just couldn’t be like that?

“But—”

“No buts, Harry.” Niall interrupted him again. “One more question. How did he react?”

“I— don’t know.” Harry gulped.

“Was he startled? Or was he into it?” Niall asked.

“Well, he didn’t turn his gaze away?” Harry answered furrowing his brows. Had he really overreacted like Niall claims? If he gave it some more thought Louis might have seemed a bit... not not-interested. Harry just didn’t want to raise his hopes too much.

But maybe he hadn’t ruined everything as badly as he had thought?

“Is he gay?” Niall asked next.

The questions certainly weren’t getting any easier.

“Erm—” Ok. He's not going to answer that.

“I know, there have been rumours over the years. Speculations that his girlfriend was actually his beard.” Niall explained.

Girlfriend. Shit. What if he had misread everything? Because Harry remembered all that. Articles about his break-up with his girlfriend. Then Louis had talked about how his relationship had ended when his mum got sick. And timing with those two occasions, they matched. Harry felt a knot in his stomach getting tighter.

But Louis had come out to him. Or hadn’t he?

Fucking Niall and his girlfriend-talk. Harry had just got himself soothed and now felt his stress levels rising again with his doubts. Fuckingfuckingfuck.

“Is he?”

“What...?” Harry didn’t understand what Niall was asking.

“Louis. Is he gay?” Niall repeated, now pronouncing his words very clearly.

Ok. They’re still on that.

“I don’t know.” Harry sighed because, at the moment, he really didn’t.

“What does your “gaydar” say then?” Harry could hear the air quotes without Niall pointing them out. “Shouldn’t you like, recognise those people in the crowd?”

“Niall!!!” Harry shouted. ”You can’t just call gay people ‘those’. It’s insulting!”

“He is gay then?” Niall said. Where the hell did he get that then? Sometimes Harry had to wonder how Niall’s way of thinking actually worked. It just didn’t make any sense from time to time.

“I told you how insulting it is to call gays ’those’ and you interpreted that as ’yes’. Jesus, Niall.” Harry said frustrated.

“Calm your tits, Haz. You know I don’t have any problems with gays, except you sometimes,” Niall grinned “I just sometimes use words I shouldn’t, when I’m with my friends, you know that. It’s not like I put my foot in my mouth publicly. And sorry, if I offended you. I didn’t mean to. Honestly.”

“Apology accepted. But you really have to think sometimes before you open your mouth. No one would ever believe you’re a media trained superstar if they were to hear you talking privately.” Harry said, shaking his head. And to give Niall some mercy, he added. “And when it comes to my gaydar, it says he might be.”

“Yay!!!” Niall cheered. “You’re gonna get laid!”

Yeah. Media-trained indeed.

*

Later, when they were eating the questionable chicken in the living room, chatting mainly about Niall’s on-going tour, Harry suddenly remembered something that made him drop his fork with a loud bang. Shit.

”What’s up now, H? You look like you just saw a ghost.” Niall said, giving Harry a questioning look.

“Umm… I just kind of remembered something—” Harry muttered.

“Mind to share?” Niall asked immediately.

“Umm. It’s kind of embarrassing…” Harry answered feeling his face heaten up.

“Good, then you are already in familiar territory. I’m going to find out sooner or later, anyway. So, just spill the beans, Haz.” Niall said his eyes were still on Harry.

When was Harry going to learn that Niall was the nosiest person on earth and if he got a hunch, he was going to torture someone until they surrender. And with Harry, it didn’t take much from Niall to make him tell him everything. Well, almost, everything. Some things, even Niall, won’t ever find out.

Harry cleared his throat before he answered. “When Zayn interrupted us, I ran away. Fast. But, before I bolted, I said some nonsense about how I had to go because I have a cat.”

“That doesn’t sound so bad.”

“I sounded like fucking Ross Geller, when I spoke to him, Niall! You remember, in that episode when Rachel had “closure” with Ross. Yep, that was me.” Harry cried out and Niall laughed. Of course, he did. Harry started to laugh at himself too. It had just been such a ridiculous situation.

On the other hand, Ross ended up kissing Rachel.

Maybe Harry wasn’t totally doomed yet.

*

His conversation with Niall had relieved him quite a bit at the end of the day, but he still had to deal with how to face Louis again. His dead phone had given him a little respite. On Sunday he had sent a short DM on Twitter to Louis, just to notify him of his current no-phone situation. He had replied with a simple ‘Ok’, leaving Harry feeling a little uneasy.

However, it had been Louis who had made the first move in the end. He had shown up at the bakery on Friday afternoon. He had finished his rehearsals earlier on that day and Louis had decided to stop by. Harry still had a couple more hours of work before he could call his day off. He had been hands deep in bread dough when Lizzie had come up and whispered into his ear something about a special guest waiting for him. After a few moments, when Harry made his way out to the café, he had found Louis sipping his tea at their usual table.

“Hi.” Louis had greeted quietly looking unusually bashful.

“Hi.” Harry had replied, his own voice not louder than Louis’ had been.

“Sorry—” They both had started to speak at the same time and then paused.

“I—” They had started again before bursting out laughing. Louis had then pointed to himself, so that he could begin.

“I tried to say I’m sorry. Sorry, that I haven’t been in touch and because I responded to your message so curtly. I—,” Louis swallowed visibly. “I have just had quite a rough week. And then you said you don’t have a phone, I kind of took it as an excuse to just have my own time.”

“Not that I don’t enjoy spending time with you, but I just wasn’t the best company to have around.” Louis rushed to explain.

“Nothing to be sorry for. I think everybody needs their own space from time to time. I still don’t have a new phone, because Niall has been here and I have been spending all my time with him. He’s gone now, so hopefully today, I’ll get a new phone.” Harry said, crossing his fingers.

“Do you need company?” Louis asked smiling shyly.

“You want to come?” Harry asked, surprised.

“If you want me to come. I don’t have any other plans for tonight.” Louis shrugged trying to look nonchalant, but his eyes were giving him away.

“Of course! It would be great. It’s always nicer to have someone to help me pick something out, even if it's just a quick trip. But still.” Harry answered smiling. “Look, I should be home by four. Would you like to come to my place around five? I want to take a shower before we go.”

“Sounds good. I’ll be there then.” Louis nodded. “Have a good rest of the work day!”

“Thank you, Lou. See you at five.”

“See you.”

*

Louis had arrived as they had agreed carrying a blue Ikea bag of stuff Harry had left behind last weekend.

“You shouldn’t have, Louis. I could have picked it up myself. It’s too heavy for you to carry around.” Harry claimed.

“I’m not as fragile as you think.” Louis said, trying to look annoyed. His eyes were still shining so Harry didn’t bother reading too much into it.

“Of course, you’re not. You’re just tiny.” Harry said and patted Louis on his head. Louis delivered a heavy punch to his arm for that.

“You’re very violent for such a wee lad.” Harry said before he ran out of the flat with Louis following hot on his heels. “Let’s go shopping, short-stack.”

Soon they were standing on the street.

“So, where to?” Louis asked eventually.

“What…?”

“I was just asking where we are going? In other words, where were you thinking of buying your phone from?” Louis repeated his question and took a glance at Harry.

“Oh—” Shit, he hadn’t even thought about it. This was starting off superbly.

“You have no idea, do you?” Louis said reading his mind.

“Well… No?” Harry said apologetically. “It just slipped my mind.”

“Of course, it did.” Louis sighed. “It’s good that I’m here with you then. You might even be able to buy a new phone now.” Harry stared at his pigeon-toed feet and didn’t say anything. Usually he checked out these things, looking at the many options to choose from, but he had been so excited about spending time with Louis, he had just completely forgotten about it. How embarrassing. Again.

“Ok…” Louis sighed again, this time even louder, as Harry just kept silent. “Are you going to stick with the iPhone?” Harry nodded.

“Should we just go to the Apple Store then?” Louis suggested.

The Apple Store! Of course. Why hadn’t he used his brain. Simple question, simple answer. And apparently, a very simple English lad.

“Yeah, that sounds reasonable.” Harry finally broke his silence and raised his glance. Louis had his phone in his hand, apparently performing a search.

“Ok, so I just checked. There’s one on 5th Avenue and the other one is in SoHo, on Prince Street. Which one would you prefer?” Louis asked next, keeping his eyes trained on Harry.

“The one in SoHo sounds good. Do you have a map there?” Harry, who had found his ability to speak again, asked. Louis nodded and reached out his phone for Harry to take a look.

“Do you want to walk there? Or we can take the subway, if you want to? But the weather is quite nice, so—” Harry made a half-circle with his hand in the air pointing  
the clear, blue sky.

“We can walk.” Louis answered rapidly. “Shall we go then?”

*

They had walked the way downtown, chatting about what they had been doing during the week. Nothing too heavy for their conversation, both clearly avoiding the happenings of last Sunday afternoon. It suited Harry more than fine.

They arrived at the store and left half an hour later with Harry’s new iPhone in his pocket. Quick and easy. Too quick, if you asked Harry.

“Umm—” Harry started with hesitation. “Do you want to come back to my place? We could cook?” Harry asked hopefully.

“Sorry, love. I think I want to go to bed early tonight. I’m absolutely knackered.” Louis answered and Harry felt disappointed. Maybe he’d scared Louis after all with his attempted kiss. Shit.

“—but if you are free tomorrow, I could come then…?” Harry felt a big smile arising on his face.

“Yeah. That would be great. I have nothing planned for the evening.” Harry paused for a while. “Do you have any requests for food? I could go shopping in the morning to get the ingredients ready for when you arrive.”

“No, you can choose whatever you want to teach. Surprise me.” Louis smiled beautifully with crinkled eyes.

“Ok, I’ll figure something out.” Harry nodded, although he already had an idea he thought Louis would like.

“I was thinking I would get some food on my way back home.” Louis said when they were still standing in front of the Apple Store. “Or do you want to grab something and eat in the park, or go to some café maybe?”

“The park sounds good. Let’s find some place where we can buy food. Or did you have something in mind, already?” Harry asked.

“No, there should be a few places here where we can find something. Let’s just start walking and stop when we see a nice one.”

Like Louis had said, there were many options. They ended up buying an avocado wrap for Harry and a BLT sandwich for Louis. They found a vacant bench in the small park nearby and sat there with their food and drinks.

“This is nice,” Harry hummed happily after they had finished letting the fading rays of sunshine warm his face.

“Yeah, it is.” Louis agreed. Harry opened his eyes and turned his head to glance at Louis, only to see his gaze focused on something on the other side of the street.

“What are you looking at?” Harry asked curiously and shifted his position to sitting instead of his half-laying.

“I was just thinking that I might want a new tattoo soon.” Louis answered and nodded towards something that looked like a tattoo parlour.

“Me too!” Harry cried out, making Louis laugh.

“No, you didn’t, you liar.”

“Well, no, I wasn’t thinking about it before you said. But now that you mentioned it, I think I want one too. It’s been quite a while since I got my last one.” Harry said letting his finger run over the cross tattoo he had on his left hand.

“You want to go together some time?” Louis asked, his gaze tracing the movements of Harry’s finger.

“If you want me to come, it would be great.” Harry felt excitement begin to rise. “What kind of tattoo were you planning to get? Do you have an idea?”

“Not really, yet. You…?”

“No.” Harry answered.

There was a small pause when they both fell silent, thinking about their upcoming tattoos. It was Louis, who first began to speak.

“Umm—” He started hesitantly, and quite usual for him. “I was thinking, that if you want to— You can say ‘no’.” Louis added quickly. “But if you want to, we could get something together. Like friendship tattoos, or something.”

“What…?” Harry stared at him with round eyes. He must have heard wrong. Louis Tomlinson didn’t just propose they get friendship tattoos together. No fucking way.

“No, we don’t have to! No, sorry. It was just a stupid idea.”

Nonono. Don’t pull back now!

“No! I mean, I just got surprised. I’d love to get a tattoo with you. For our friendship. Absolutely, yes.” Harry was beaming now. And when he took a look at Louis, he was smiling widely at him too.

“It’s a deal, then?” Louis made sure.

“Yeah, it’s a deal.” Harry was thrilled.

They were going to get tattoos.

*

“We are going to make pizza.” Harry informed him when Louis emerged into the kitchen, hair still moist and cheeks pink from the sauna he had wanted to try downstairs. He was now dressed in an extra large t-shirt and trackies and looked squeezably good. Harry tried his best not just to sling his arms around him, pick him up and let Louis wrap himself around Harry like a koala bear.

“Pizza! That’s sick!” Louis interrupted his daydreaming and Harry tried to concentrate on the tiny person standing in front of him. “How do we start?”

Harry pulled out an apron and handed it to Louis. He took it rolling his eyes, but put it on anyway. He looked so cute in it.

Focus now, will you, Harry demanded of himself. He caught up to clear his throat before carrying on.

“So, first we make the dough. And while it’s resting we take care of the other stuff. Ready to get your hands dirty?” Harry asked without waiting for him to answer and waved at Louis to follow him.

“You can start with measuring the ingredients for the dough into the mixer bowl.” Harry told Louis. “Here, start with the water.”

Harry told Louis about the right temperature of the water, so that the yeast works well. Once the water was in, he told Louis to add the salt, oil, flour and yeast there, too.

“Now, you can put the cover on. It helps a little so the flour doesn’t explode everywhere when you switch on the mixer. But you still have to start with a slow speed.” Harry explained. “Like this.” He showed. “And when it looks like there isn’t too much loose flour left, you can speed it up.”

Louis nodded keeping his eyes on the mixing bowl.

“Is it ok now? Can I turn up the speed?” Louis asked a couple of minutes later. Harry took a peek at the dough and nodded with approval.

“Yeah, go ahead. Then we let it knead for a few more minutes.” Harry told him.

“Alright, now it seems quite good. You can switch the machine off and then remove the bowl so we can get the dough out.” Harry lead Louis and added some flour to the worktop.

“May I?” Harry asked Louis, taking the bowl from him. He dug out the dough and stretched it a little. “Now you can see the dough is quite stretchy. When I stretch it, it doesn’t snap. You could leave it like that and it would be alright. But I’m a baker and a bit more pedantic with dough, I usually knead it a little more on the table.”

“Do you want to try?” Harry turned his face towards Louis “I’ll show you first and then you can try it.” Louis nodded.

“You have to roll it. Use this part of your palm to press the dough.” Harry explained and pointed to the soft part of his palm just below the thumb. “And keep your other fingers just loosely on the dough ball. Like this.” Harry demonstrated a few times before swapping places with Louis. “Now it’s your turn.”

“Shit, you made it look so easy. Why doesn’t this roll like yours?” Louis said frustrated when he tried to knead the dough.

“It isn’t easy at first, I know. But when you get the idea of how it works, then you’ll be able to do it for the rest of your life. It’s like learning to ride a bike.” Harry said patiently and then carried on more hesitantly. “If— if you want, we could do it together. Like I put my hand over yours and then I can show you the right movement.” Harry didn’t dare to look at Louis.

“Yeah, let’s try that.” Louis answered after a small, almost not noticeable, pause.

“Ok.” Harry answered and moved behind Louis before stretching his arms to put his hands over Louis’ smaller ones. He could feel Louis’ arse cheeks pressing against his crotch and gulped. He really hadn’t thought this through.

Harry shifted his hips backwards a bit, trying to get more space between them and then started to make rolling movements with his hand with Louis’ under it. He could feel the heat between their bodies and the kneading made their bodies move together. Harry’s chin was almost resting on top of Louis’ head and…

It felt like a scene from some erotic cooking class and Harry needed to get away. Now! It was just a matter of time before his dick would wake up properly instead of the little twitches it was making now. Harry just hoped Louis didn’t notice any of those.

“Alright!” Harry said perkier than he meant to, hoping it didn’t sound too creepy, and pulled away from Louis clapping the flour away from his hands. “It looks good! Now you can just put it back into the bowl. We’ll cover it and let it rest for a while.” Harry said before making a beeline to the fridge to get a safe distance away from Louis for a while.

“So, I was thinking for toppings we could put pepperoni, bell peppers, onion, cheese, of course, and maybe some pine—”

“If you say pineapple, I’m out of the door in five seconds.” Louis shouted and Harry hit his head on the shelf with a loud bang after putting his head too deep inside the fridge in the first place trying to cool himself down.

“Fuck.” He cursed quietly and backed off rubbing his head.

“Karma’s a bitch as they say.” Louis announced with a satisfied expression in his face. “That was definitely revenge after you tried to put pineapples on my pizza.”

“They are not so bad, Louis. But we can leave them out.” Harry said, gathering what they would need next on the worktop.

“Oh, yes they are. But I will forgive you this time. Next time, I won’t be so understanding.” Louis said firmly. “So, what’s next?”

“We can start with tomato sauce. You can use one’s from the grocery store, but I want to show you how easy it is to make it yourself. You remember when you made us breakfast?” Harry finally turned to look at Louis and saw him nodding. “The principle is basically the same, we just put different spices in and make it slightly thicker. Do you think you could do it, if I tell you what to put in it?”

“I can try…?”

“I will help you if needed. But while you make the sauce, I could chop the onions and peppers. And then we can sauté them.” Harry explained his plan.

“We can do what…?”

“Sauté, like cooking them to soften.”

“Why can’t you just say cook them instead of that nonsense?” Louis asked, staring at Harry, arching his other brow. “Do you even know if you are using the right word or are you just being a culinary snob?”

“Here is the pot for you to use.” Harry ignored Louis, not letting him know he might have a point... “Whenever you’re ready to start, chef.”

Louis, as a matter of fact, was able to do the sauce by himself, Harry just gave him a little bit of advice. When they got the sauce simmering and the vegetables softening in the frying pan, they returned to the dough.

“You can see how it’s now much softer than it was before.” Harry showed the dough to Louis and encouraged him to touch it too, to feel the difference. “You feel it?”

“I guess, it’s more… airy?” Louis tried to find the right word to describe it.

“You are correct, actually. It’s the yeast, it’s working already making the air bubbles inside the dough.” Harry was delighted at Louis’ observation.

“Now we put some flour on the worktop again, and scrape the dough out of the bowl. We can slightly shape it to make it a ball. But you have to work carefully, otherwise the air escapes. Then we can sprinkle some flour on top of the dough ball before we start rolling it.” Harry reached to get the rolling pin out of the drawer. “And then we just roll it thinly like this.” Harry showed and then let Louis do the rest of the rolling.

“Excellent.” Harry exclaimed when the dough started to look like a real crust. “Now we just lift it onto the baking tray like this. And voilá, you’ve almost made the pizza. Now we can just let it sit while the oven heats. Then we just add the toppings and bake it.”

A good thirty minutes later they were sitting on the couch eating their freshly baked pizza.

“This is really good! I can’t believe you did it just like that.” Louis marveled, munching on his slice.

“Not me. We did it together and you were such a big part of it, honestly. I’m proud of you. You are a really good apprentice.” Harry smiled at him fondly.

He had just loved the whole cooking session. It had felt so cozy and domestic, just being near Louis. Guiding him through it, encouraging him if he needed, praising him if he succeeded. Harry loved cooking, but cooking with Louis was something so much better. Something he would never get tired of.

“Maybe it’s because you’re such an amazing teacher! And patient. I don’t know how you do it.” Louis said and Harry was beaming because of Louis’ words.

“Thank you, Louis. That’s very kind of you.”

“Just telling the truth.” Louis said. “Now, shall we watch a movie or something?”

*

When the second movie came to an end it was getting late. Well, not very late, but maybe eleven-ish. Louis was snoozing in the corner of the couch when Harry stood up. He gathered the dirty plates from the table, took them into the kitchen and laid them in the sink. The dishwasher was waiting to be unloaded, but Harry didn’t bother doing it. It could wait until morning.

He let the warm water pour into the sink and squirted some washing up liquid in along with it. There weren't many dishes, so he could easily do them by hand. He just didn’t want to leave them unwashed in the sink. He was already drying the plates, Blue keeping him company sitting on the worktop near him, when Harry heard small, quiet steps behind him. Louis, he thought, a smile raised into his face before even catching sight of him.

“There you are.” Harry heard Louis’ voice rasp aloud.

“Yeah, I just decided to do the dishes quickly. Did I wake you up?” Harry asked, turning to look at Louis, who was rubbing his sleepy eyes.

Louis shook his head. He stood there quietly biting his lip, looking like he wanted to say something but was mustering up the courage to do so.

“Harry,” He said eventually. “I— could I stay here for the night? I really don’t want to be alone tonight.”

“Of course, you can.” Harry answered, something warm was filling his chest when he watched the boy, man, in front of him looking so small and fragile. “You don’t even have to ask. You’re always welcome to stay here.”

“Thank you, Harry.”

“Oh—” Harry began. “I just realised we don’t have a guest room here. Because I’m kind of staying in one. We don’t have many guests sleeping over.” Harry shrugged a little. “But I can sleep on the couch. Or— If you want to, we can both sleep in my bed?”

“I’d like that.” Louis answered coyly. “I just want to be next to someone, to cuddle a bit. Like I said to you earlier, I’ve had quite a tough week. So, yeah. I mean if it’s ok with you. Sleeping in the same bed. I mean.” Harry could hear a slight stammering in Louis’ voice.

“It is definitely fine with me.” Harry said, placing the last plate into the cabinet. He wiped the sink and the surroundings before saying to Louis. “Let’s go to bed.”

Harry led the way to his bedroom. Even though there was nothing more going on, at least on Louis’ side, Harry was still nervous taking him there. When they entered the room, Harry took a quick glance around the room to see if everything was in order. No dirty underwear laying around. Nothing exposing his secrets, like sappy songs he might or might not have written about a certain blue-eyed creature. And no, he wasn’t talking about Blue this time.

Harry sighed in relief when there was nothing like that in sight. The room was medium-sized, nothing too big anyway. A comfortable looking king sized bed with a leather headboard, took up most of the space in the room. A metallic grey bedside table was placed to the left of the leather headboard, a small desk and doors to the small walk-in closet and ensuite, sat on the opposite side of the room. The colours of the room ranged from the dark brown of the wooden floor to the creamy white of the walls; the furniture was mainly different shiny shades of grey. Without the textiles playing with hints of pink, the room might have looked harsh and boring, but the rosy colours made it soft and well, very Harry.

“I like this room.” Louis stated after taking a look around. “It looks like you, if you know what I mean.”

“Thanks Lou, I like it too.” Harry answered smiling and walked next to the window to slide the curtains closed. He switched on the lamp standing on his bedside table. “You can sleep on that side of the bed, if it’s okay with you.” Harry said, nodding towards the right side of the large bed.

“Yeah, it’s good. Thank you.”

“Oh, and here’s the bathroom.” Harry remembered and made a beeline to the door. He stepped in and rummaged through the drawer below the sink for a while. “Found it. Here’s a new toothbrush you can use— and here is a towel for you to use, too.” Harry said handing both items to Louis. “Just tell me if you need something else. I’ll leave you here now. Take your time.” Harry said before exiting the ensuite.

When Louis returned a few moments later, Harry swapped places with him to take care of his own before-bed rituals.

Louis was already under the duvet when Harry came back. He put his folded clothes on the chair before sliding under the blanket, too. They laid in silence for a moment, resting their heads slightly against the headboard. Harry twisted his head to glance at Louis. In the shimmer of the pale light of the night lamp he looked even more fragile than he had looked before in the kitchen.

“Come ‘ere.” Harry stretched his arm, laying it over Louis’ slender shoulders and pulling him closer. He could feel Louis curling tighter into him.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Harry asked quietly and let his fingers caress Louis’ soft hair. Louis stayed silent and Harry almost opened his mouth to speak again, when Louis finally began to talk.

“I have been thinking about my mum. This week. A lot. Since you told me about Robin.” Harry wanted to apologise but hearing the hesitation in Louis’ speech, Harry sensed it might be best not to interrupt him right now.

“I haven’t thought about it for a while. Mainly because I haven’t let myself. Like if I don’t think about it, it never happened.” Louis paused for a while.

“And for the same reason, you know, I haven’t been back to England for almost a year. Because everything there makes me think of my mum. I’m scared that if I go back there I’ll have to admit to myself that she is gone.” Harry pulled Louis even closer and let his head fall slightly to rest against Harry’s shoulder.

“When you talked about your step dad and his cancer, I felt like I was living it again. The horrible period of her getting sick and then hearing it was—” Louis swallowed visibly before whispering ”terminal.”

Harry could hear his heavy breathing but didn’t dare say anything. He just kept stroking Louis’ hair, trying to give him the strength to carry on.

“But now, I just can’t get her out of my mind. I mean, of course, I think about her daily. I always have. But now, I can’t stop thinking about how she’s never coming back again. I’ll never talk to her again. I’ll never see her again. Things I have refused to think about. And now I think about that constantly.” Louis’ voice faded out. After a moment Harry realised he wasn’t going to carry on anymore.

“I’m sorry, Lou. I shouldn’t have talked to you about that. I really didn’t think about how it would affect yo--” Harry started but Louis interrupted him soon after.

“Stop. There is nothing for you to apologise for. I’m glad you told me. I think it was good that you told me. I don’t deny that I’ve been feeling utterly shit since it happened, but I feel this is just something I have to go through before I can accept her— death.” Louis’ last word was barely audible.

“And I think, it is something I have to face before I can — before I can let myself think about other things. Because, I don’t want to ruin those other things, Harry.” Louis was now looking straight at Harry, locking their eyes.

Was he talking about what Harry thought he was? That Harry might be one of those other things if he was able to read Louis correctly. But now it was Harry’s turn to be in denial, and he didn’t want to think about it too much. At the moment, Louis needed a friend and Harry was going to be that friend. No matter what it took.

Harry nodded at Louis who was still looking at him. Harry didn’t trust his own voice to get the right words out so he just kept quiet.

“Thank you, Harry. Thank you for being such a good friend to me and thank you for being so patient with me.”

There it was again, the tiny hint between the lines. And again, Harry pushed it away to the back of his head. Just like the other times thoughts like these had occurred in his mind. He just didn’t know if this was the right moment to ask about it. Or how Louis would take it anyway.

“You are welcome. I am honored to be your friend, Lou. It should be me thanking you, you know.” Harry said honestly. He took a deep breath before he went on. “I have a question for you. Or actually, more like a proposition. And you can say no. I’m not going to be offended, or anything.” Harry knew he was rambling and Louis noticed the same thing.

“Harry, take a deep breath and just say it. Try to calm down. And then start over again. Yeah?” Louis said and watched Harry do what he was told to do. “Better?”

“Yeah, better. Thanks.”

“So, maybe try again now?”

Harry nodded.

“Niall gave me a birthday present for two tickets to his concert, flights and accommodation covered. He said I could bring anyone I want with me. I just have to let him know the names beforehand so the travel agency can print the tickets. I’m able to choose the dates I fly in and out. He already made arrangements with the bakery so I can take a week off around that time. The gig is on 13th May. And I was wondering if you wanted to come with me?” Harry paused for a second. “There is just one thing— the concert is in London.”

Silence fell in the dark room. All Harry could hear was their heavy breathing. He could almost hear the cogs turning in Louis’ mind. Finally, after three agonisingly quiet minutes, Louis finally breathed out a small, but surprisingly firm ‘yes’.

“Really? You don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

“But I want to. Like I said before, I have to face these things sooner or later. I think, if you come with me, it makes it a little bit easier and then I can’t cancel last minute if I chicken out. Obviously, I’ll have to talk to James before we book the flights, to confirm if I can go. But I think it should be ok, if I explain to him why I’m going. He knew my mum too, you know.” Louis said.

“Of course, and when that is done, we could check the dates we would be there. We could first go up north to see our families and then come back to London to see the concert. How does that sound?” Harry asked.

“Terrifying, to be honest. But this is something I need to do. But I’m happy that I’m able to do this with you.” Louis said smiling weakly, sadness reflecting in his eyes.

“You can do it. You are strong enough to do it. It won’t be easy, I’m not going to lie. But I’ll be there for you. The whole time you need me to be. I promise.” Harry said and pulled Louis even closer.

“I know.” Louis whispered. “Good night, Harry.”

“Good night, Louis. Sleep well.”

It didn’t take much for Louis to fall asleep, but Harry stayed awake longer. He let his fingers caress Louis’ hair, watching him sleep peacefully, hoping he could take all the sorrow and pain away, guide Louis’ way through this darkness so he could be happy again. Just to see him smile again. Harry held him a bit tighter and in his sleep Louis responded, snuggling closer. He placed a feather light kiss on the sleeping man’s temple and warm, fuzzy feelings filled within him. There were so many thoughts in his head trying to break through.

He didn’t let himself think about any of them.


	10. Chapter 10

[ Nightwish - Walking in The Air ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_B90VnG6FR0)

  
  


Louis

May, 2017

Louis still couldn’t believe he had said yes to Harry when he had asked him to go England with him. Did he regret it? No. 

Was he terrified? Utterly.

There wasn’t a day or even an hour that he didn’t think about his upcoming trip home. Literally home. Not just England, but also Doncaster. The place where all the haunting memories resided, but also the place where his family remained. He hadn’t seen any of them since he left England over a year ago and he missed them like crazy. Of course, they phoned each other quite a lot and he was able to see them over FaceTime, but it’s not the same. Louis didn’t know if his youngest siblings would even recognise him when they saw him again. Harry had said they definitely would, but Louis wasn’t as optimistic as him.

Harry.

If it wasn’t for Harry, Louis probably wouldn’t be doing this right now. Not just the tickets and all, but if Harry wasn’t encouraging him with every step, he wouldn’t be able to do this. He still wasn’t sure if he could. But now, deep down, Louis just knew he had to. He had run away from it all for long enough already. Now he didn’t have enough time to escape anymore as his flight was leaving the next day. 

After his conversation with Harry, Louis had talked to James about this trip and he had been very supportive, even if he didn’t know all the details. The only thing was, Louis had to stay in New York until Monday. So the earliest he could fly out was Monday evening. Harry instead, had gotten all week off plus the following Monday. 

Harry had planned to fly to London on Friday night, but when he had heard about Louis’ situation he had wanted to change his plans too. As much as Louis would have wanted to fly with him, and needed Harry to be with him on that flight, he just couldn’t let him shorten his stay in England because of him. He had basically forced Harry onto the plane and now he was already in Holmes Chapel and sounded very happy.

Louis’ current plan was to rent a car from Heathrow and then drive to Donny on Tuesday morning, stay there until Friday, pick Harry up from Holmes Chapel and then they would drive together to London, spend the weekend there and then they would fly back to New York on Monday morning. Even if Louis was displeased he couldn’t travel together with Harry, secretly he was also a little pleased. Seven days to spend with his family would have, in any other circumstances, sounded like heaven, but now, he wasn’t so sure. It could have been just too much to handle this time.

“Should we go pack?” Louis asked Blue who was sitting on the couch next to him. Harry had brought her to Louis’ on Thursday night. Louis would take care of her until he left, and after that, Zayn had promised to feed her. Louis had bought a variety of kibble and tinned cat food, and insisted on buying a cat litter box, now crammed in the small downstairs loo, instead of letting Harry bring his one from home.

“It is just easier if I buy one for here. There will be other times when she needs a place to stay if you have to go somewhere. This way we don’t have to carry the heavy, pongy box around the city.” Louis had explained and finally Harry had agreed with him.

Louis climbed upstairs, Blue following a few steps behind. She had been a little confused at first, being in a strange place, but she was getting braver every day. Louis hated packing and always tried to postpone it as much as possible. Now this beautiful fluffy kitten was an excellent excuse to do so. Louis flopped on the bed and Blue soon followed his suit, although her jump was far more elegant than Louis’. He waited a while and let the small cat make her own way to Louis. It didn’t take long before she curled on his belly and asked for attention.

Louis happily answered and let his fingers caress her soft fur. Louis had always thought he liked dogs more and would definitely never get a cat, but now, this blue-eyed ball of fluffiness had certainly changed his mind. But he kind of wanted a dog, too. Maybe Blue wouldn’t mind sharing her time with him and Harry if they got a puppy—

_ Where the hell did that come from?  _ There was no Harry and him. 

Not yet, anyway.

Louis closed his eyes briefly before letting his fingers slide over the small text on his right arm. A couple of weeks ago he and Harry had gotten the tattoos that they had talked about getting together before.

“So, are you still on with that tattoo thing?” Louis had casually asked Harry one day that they had been walking in the street, trying to cover his nervousness.

“Yeah, definitely.” Harry answered eagerly. “You too?”

“Absolutely, yes.” He replied in relief. “Do you have any ideas for our tattoos, then?” Louis had asked carefully. He might have an idea but wanted to hear Harry first. And his idea was quite embarrassing, too.

“Not, really. I have tried to think of something that would be meaningful for us, not just something random like a penguin on the arse or something.” Harry had grinned. “I hope you have something, or we can also visit the parlour to get ideas.” 

“Umm— I might have one. It sounds a bit stupid, though. But also, it would be something only we would know the story behind.” Louis felt his cheeks heat up.

“Ok, I’m interested. Go on.” Harry said and looked at him with a waiting expression on his face. Louis cleared his throat before he began to speak again.

“I was thinking of when we first met,” Louis was fully blushing now and kept his fingers crossed Harry wouldn’t ask anything about the context. Because... You know. “And it just popped into my mind. Like our tattoos could be the first words we said to each other. It would be something only we know, and even if the first time we met was a bit untraditional, it was still the first time we met and talked to each other.”

“You remember our first words?” Harry was staring at him surprised.

“Yeah, I do.” Louis answered quietly. “You said ‘Oops’—”

“And you said ‘Hi’…” Harry finished. Their eyes locked and for a moment they were the only two people around, before Harry said. “Yeah, I love that idea. We could also do it like, your ‘Oops’ would be in my handwriting. It would be like I’m saying it again on your skin and the other way around.”

“That makes it even better!” Louis cried out. He kept his eyes still on Harry when he asked. “Would this really be ok with you? Because I still remember how embarrassed you were then and even when we met earlier this year. Because I don’t want you to tattoo it just because we don’t have any other ideas.”

“Lou, seriously. I love the idea. I want that tattoo, because it means something to us. It’s where this all began. I know I was embarrassed, I still kind of am if I let myself think about it more. But like you said, it was where this all started.” Harry waving his hand between them pointing at them in turns. “If we hadn’t met like we met, I don’t think we would be right here right now talking to each other. And it is something only we know, so I really, really like the idea.”

And now Louis had underlined the ‘Oops!’ tattoo inked in his arm. He loved it. Louis didn’t let himself think about why it was so important for him to tattoo the very start of their story permanently onto his skin. No, first he had to deal with some other issues before he could deal with Harry.

After a while Louis had to finally give up and start packing. Not that he had to take a lot of stuff with him, almost the opposite. If he would use a bit more time to think about what he should take with him, he wouldn’t have to throw his entire wardrobe into his suitcase. Easier said than done, though.

Louis had never been one to keep everything organised, organised chaos was much more his speciality. After half an hour, packing his suitcase certainly didn’t look organised, it was just a fucking mess. When Louis came back from the bathroom to collect his toiletries, he found Blue sleeping on top of the pile of clothes, her pink tongue poking out of her mouth, looking so cute and adorable. Louis couldn’t resist taking a photo and sending it to Harry.

It didn’t take long for Harry to reply.

**H: She looks so cute!!! I miss her.** The first one said.

**H: Miss you, too. Wish you were here already.** The second one came soon after the first, and Louis would be lying if he said it didn’t make his heart feel warm.

**L: I’ll be there soon. How has everything been so far?**

**H: Good. I’m glad you forced me to fly here earlier. It’s been really nice to spend time with Mum and Robin. Gemma was here for the weekend and I will see her again in London.**

**H: Sorry, I haven’t been in touch much. It’s been quite busy here. Mum is calling me right now, too. I have to go. But let me know when you have landed, at the latest. Ok?**

**L: I understand. And now your priority is to be with your family. Enjoy! And I will.**

Louis tossed the phone onto the bed and pulled some clothes out of the bag onto the bed too. He probably wouldn’t need three pairs of jeans, or six jumpers and four pairs of trainers for a trip he was going to be on from less than a week. If he for some reason would, he could always buy something. He eliminated his clothes down to less than half and folded them into a suitcase. Over the not so neat piles of clothes, he gathered gifts he had bought for his siblings. It didn’t matter if he forgot some of his own stuff, but if some of these presents were missing, the consequences would be dreadful. He closed the bag and put it next to the door. In his backpack he put items he would need on the plane and when it was sorted, he laid it next to his suitcase, and top of it, he placed his passport.

There, that should be everything, Louis thought as he went through his imaginary packing list in his mind before heading downstairs.

“Zee, are you home?” Louis shouted. They usually leave the house in peace and quiet, prefering to text instead of yelling or disturbing in some other ways. Maybe it was the reason why their living together was effortless. But today they had agreed to see each other anyway, so Louis just stuck with old style yelling.

“Yeah, I’ll be there in a minute.” Louis heard Zayn’s voice from the basement. He picked up Blue who had also made her way downstairs and walked into the living room. He was feeling too restless to sit down, instead he just wandered around before stopping next to the window facing down the street. It was already so summery outside. It was almost impossible for Louis to believe it was May – a whole year since the last time had been in England. It felt like an eternity and at the same time like it was just yesterday.

“Hey.” Zayn said behind Louis, startling him lightly. Zayn really had the ability to walk silently.

“Oh, hi. Ready for your instructional tour?” Louis grinned and pointed to Blue, reminding Zayn what this was all about.

“Guess so.” Zayn shrugged.

“Oh, Jeez. What enthusiasm! Be careful you don’t explode.” Louis mocked and headed to the kitchen waving for Zayn to follow him.

Louis stopped next to the work top and put Blue down on it. Maybe it wasn’t the most hygienic place for a cat to walk around, but his house, his rules.

“Here’s all the cat food.” Louis pointed to Zayn. “There is both dry and wet food. Harry said it is fine if you keep kibble available all the time, because she might be reacting to the change of environment and she might not eat normally. But when she feels hungry, she has something to eat. And once a day you can give her one of these.” This time Louis lifted a tin of wet cat food.

“You could actually open one right now and give it to her.” Louis continued and handed the food to Zayn.

“It is very important that she always has water available, too. I have one bowl here in the kitchen and one upstairs in my room. Maybe you should have one in your room instead. She is quite clingy sometimes, so expect to have company for the next few days.” Louis grinned and watched Zayn throw away the empty container. When he had washed his hands and dried them, Louis moved forward to the loo.

“And here, we have her toilet!” Louis exclaimed to Zayn and saw a wince on his face. “Seriously, it’s not that bad. You just have to scoop the clumps of wee and poop out of there daily to keep the litter box clean. And remember to keep the door open, so she can go in there when she needs to. And that's pretty much it, all you have to do. You think you’re capable of doing that, Zaynie?”

“I think I can.” Zayn answered, rolling his eyes. “I’m not as useless as you think I am.”

“You are not useless, just a little bit out-of-touch sometimes, a real artist you are.” Louis smirked at him. “But I’ll leave you with the instructions Harry wrote for me. And you can always ask for help if needed. I think Liam will be happy to help.” Louis winked and escaped to the living room before Zayn had time to react.

This time Louis plopped onto the couch and waited for Zayn to follow him. Which he did with two bottles of beer in his hands.

“You want one?” He asked and Louis nodded gratefully. He definitely needed one before his nerves broke out.

They sipped their beers in comfortable silence, just the distant noises from the street could be heard in the background.

“How are you feeling now, Louis?” Zayn finally cut the silence. “About going home.”

“Terrified. Excited. Scared. Thrilled. You name it.“ Louis sighed. “I can’t wait to see my family again, but the actual going home thing. I’m really scared about.”

“It’s natural to be scared, you know. It’s been a long time since you were last there. And you have a lot of memories there too. Both good and bad. But at some point, you just have to confront them.” Zayn said in a quiet but calm voice.

“Yeah, I know that.” Louis sighed. He was sighing way too much these days. “And on some level, I think I’m ready for that and this is a good thing. Until five minutes later when I think it’s the worst idea ever.” 

“You’ll be fine. I know that. It won’t be easy, but it is just something you have to do. You don’t have a choice. I know I haven’t lost anyone as close to me as you did, but it’s not totally unfamiliar to me either. I’m not trying to compare anything and you’re not even supposed to, because everyone’s grief is different. But still, recovery follows a certain path with the same steps for every person. And there will also be a time when you just have to accept things. Because there is nothing you can do to change it. And I think, for you, going home might be it. The step you have to take before you can start to live again. It sounds harsh, but it’s essential.”

“Yeah.” Louis just nodded, because there were no words in his mind now. Zayn was right, he knew it. But the thought of letting go, it was always so devastating and overpowering. And so far, Louis had always pushed it away. Maybe this would finally be the time when he just has to go through with it no matter how much it hurts. Because, how much worse could it be than how he was feeling right now?

Louis didn’t let himself think about that either.

*

Louis looked out of the small window when the plane was approaching Heathrow airport, flying over London. Seeing all those familiar looking landmarks, like the London Eye or the Houses of Parliament, made Louis’ stomach turn. This wasn’t the right time for him to start panicking again. He turned the music streaming in his earphones louder and chewed his gum a little faster just to clear his mind of unwanted thoughts.

It was barely eight o’clock in the morning. It was going to be a very long day, in many ways. Fortunately, he had been able to sleep for a good four hours during the flight, but it was still three am in New York. Once again, jetlag was a bitch. After he got through immigration and customs, dragging his suitcase behind him, he made a beeline for the nearest Costa. Instead of his typical tea, Louis drank a strong espresso hoping it would pop his eyes open before he started his drive towards Doncaster. On his way to the car rental, he sent a quick text to Harry saying he had landed.

It took almost an hour before he was finally sitting in his rental Volkswagen and navigating his way onto the M25. It was weird to be driving again. The last time he had been sitting behind the wheel was one of his very last days in England a year ago. New York City wasn’t exactly a paradise for car owners, excluding cab drivers. Louis really hadn’t been tempted to drive there. He was also a little embarrassed to admit as an Englishman, that driving on the left was really something he hadn’t been used to. He could do it, no doubt, but living for the most part of his adulthood in the States had made the traffic moving the other way much more familiar to him.

Luckily, the traffic wasn’t anything too bad and the weather was nice, music playing loudly from the speakers, it was almost enjoyable to drive. Almost.

At some point Harry tried to call him but Louis decided to wait until he pulled over for a break before he called him back.

“Hiii!!!” Harry chirped into the phone. “Welcome to England, Lou!”

“Thanks, and hi.” Louis answered and a smile graced his lips. It was so nice to hear Harry’s voice again.

“Where are you now?” Harry asked.

“Somewhere along the A1. I just stopped at a petrol station to have a small rest. I think it will take me an hour or so to get to Donny.” Louis explained.

“Did you sleep on the plane?” Was Harry’s next question.

“Yeah, a little. At the moment, I’m quite awake, so the drive has been ok. How are you, Harry?” Louis asked softly, because he really wasn’t the only going through a difficult time with his family situation.

“I’m good. It’s been good. Yeah.” Harry sounded happy, but there was also this understandable sadness in his voice. Louis knew it way too well, that feeling where every day is a blessing, but now, it was just one day closer to the end.

“Good.” Louis said in a small voice.

“And how are you feeling, Lou?” Louis could feel the worry in Harry’s voice.

“At the moment, I’m actually feeling surprisingly good, too. I just can’t wait to see my family again. But when I get back home, I don’t know how I’m going to react. I’m just trying not to think about it right now.” Louis exhaled, closing his eyes for a moment.

“Good, because you shouldn’t. Just see how it goes. Try not to stress so much. I know it’s always easy to say things like that to another person. But they are your family and they are there for you too.” Harry’s words sounded so soothing and Louis wanted to believe him.

“I know. And I miss them so much. I can’t believe I’m less than ninety minutes away from them again.” Louis could feel the excitement in his own voice when he was talking about his family.

“You are going to have a lovely time with them. I know it.” Harry said confidently.

“I really hope so.” Louis answered. “But look, I think I’ll move on soon. I’m just gonna go to the loo and buy one more cup of coffee. I’ll text you later. I don’t know when, because it might be pretty chaotic knowing my family.”

“Ok. Drive carefully. And just let me know you’ve arrived safely, please. Otherwise I’ll worry too much.”

“Ok, I will. Bye, Haz.”

“Bye, Lou.”

*

Louis could hear the cries of joy coming from inside before he even saw anyone. He had parked the car and texted Harry a simple home emoji to let him know he had reached his destination before he got out of the black Volkswagen. He grabbed his suitcase out of the boot and made his way towards the house. He didn’t have time to knock on the door before it opened swiftly and he found two toddlers hanging off of him. Louis felt his eyes moisten when he knelt down to embrace Doris and Ernie tightly. He had missed them so much.

Eventually he had to let them go. He stood up and was now faced with two similar looking girls, or should he say young adults, because that’s what they actually were. They were still young, but they looked so grown-up. When had this happened?, Louis wondered. He pulled them closer and hugged them too. Louis didn’t have to ask why they weren’t at school right now.

Last, but not least, there was Dan. Louis hugged him too and Dan greeted him with a simple “Welcome home, Louis.”

“Thank you. Good to be here.” Louis answered, voice filled with emotion. And yes, it felt really good to be home.

Over the next two days, time flew. Moments were filled with playing with the younger twins and chatting and catching up with older ones. Fizzy came home later on Tuesday night and Louis had long, late-night conversations with her, feeling amazed by how intelligent and incredible his baby sister was. She always had been amazing, but during the last year she, and Lottie too, had taken on so much responsibility with their younger siblings. More than anyone their ages should have to, and Louis felt so guilty for it. Louis said it too, but Fizzy just hushed him saying he shouldn’t. He did anyway.

The next day Louis had lunch with Fiz before picking up the younger set of twins and going with them to Toys “R” Us. And later doing the same thing with Phoebe and Daisy, but instead of toys, they visited a bunch of makeup and clothing stores. He hadn’t remembered what shopping with teenagers was like. Afterwards, Louis was exhausted. Despite the fatigue, Louis had a great time. Spending time with his sibling always was. The only one Louis hadn’t seen yet, was Lottie. She lived and worked in London now and Louis would see her on Friday when they went down to London.

But behind all the fun, there were still the issues he had to face. Things he couldn’t postpone anymore. If he had known it already in New York, being here in Doncaster and feeling his mum’s presence everywhere, had made it even clearer. It wasn’t until Wednesday night, that Louis wasn’t able to sweep it under the rug anymore. 

After a busy day, it was finally just Louis and Dan sitting in the living room sipping their tea whilst lazily eyeing the telly.

”I was planning to go see mum tomorrow.” Louis said quietly, addressing his words to the cup in his hand rather than to Dan sitting in the chair across the room.

”Yeah…?” Dan answered in just as quiet a tone letting his gaze roam to Louis’.

”Yeah.” Louis confirmed nodding. ”I think I'm ready. Or as ready as I’ll ever be.” He added after a pause.

”Well, then you should go.” Dan simply said.

”I – I just feel so bad I haven’t visited her before. Like I’ve abandoned her or something.” Louis’ voice sounded weak when he started to talk again. He was leaning his head against the rest and staring at the ceiling. He could feel the burn behind his lids, but no tears poured out.

”You haven’t abandoned her. You know it, I know it, and she knows it. Like you said, you haven’t been ready. There are no rules on how to grieve. No one else can tell you how you should act.” Dan said, basically repeating the same things Zayn had told him a couple of days earlier, just in slightly different words.

“Someone can heal from daily visits to the graveyard, meanwhile for someone else it can be a total nightmare. You are the only one who knows what is best for you. No one else. If someone tells you something else, they can just fuck off.” Dan cursing made Louis startle, he usually wasn’t a man who used such language. “And you, especially, shouldn’t be too hard on yourself. Recovery from such a loss takes time. For all of us.” Dan finished.

Louis only nodded, he just didn’t have anything to say right now. Dan seemed to notice that too and two men sank back to their thoughts as the tele continued to illuminate the silent room.

*

The next morning, Louis dropped the older twins off at school before starting his personal journey towards the graveyard located on the outskirts of the city. It was a much smaller one than the other near the big church, and it had been Jay’s own decision to be buried there. But that wasn’t something Louis wanted to think about right now. No. His main focus was to keep the car in his lane and get it to its destination in one piece. Sounds easy.

It wasn’t. 

But by some miracle, Louis succeeded. If someone had asked how, he wouldn’t know. The whole drive had been a bit blurred, you could say. He had expected this journey to be hard. But this is hard? Never. And all he had done so far, was drive a car. Maybe he wasn’t ready for this after all.

Louis stayed sat in his car. He had managed to park it next to the thick spruce hedge, near the gate, leading to the cemetery. He was squeezing his hands against the steering wheel to prevent him from shaking. His knuckles had turned white from his tight grip.  _ In and out. In and out _ , he repeated to himself pressing the top of his head against the headrest hoping it would ease his breathing. It helped him feel a little better when he got some air into his lungs, but it was only a temporary respite. Louis knew that. To make a real change, he had to face this situation and just pray it would help. But sitting in a car wasn’t going to contribute to it at all.

It took a few more minutes for him to actually get out of the car and start walking towards the entrance of the tranquil graveyard. He dug the wrinkly paper up from his pocket and took a look. It was kind of a map to help Louis find the place where his mum was resting. 

_ Who the fuck even needs a map to find their mother’s grave? _

Apparently, he did and he felt ashamed. The one and only time he had ever been there was her funeral and it all had been a blur that day. It was a valid excuse, but at the same time it made him feel even worse. Why hadn’t he been here before? It was a question he had asked himself many times.

But now he was here. 

The weather was sunny and warm, a perfect day in May; but Louis hardly even noticed it. Inside he was freezing and his feet seemed to turn into blocks of lead, they felt so heavy. His chest was hurting so badly. He felt like a soldier going to war, not knowing if he was going to survive. Or even live through the first battle.

Louis caught a glint of something distinctly familiar that made him come to a halt. He closed his eyes and gulped hard. Suddenly, he just knew, he didn’t need his map anymore. He had found her.

The lonely grave was laying under a willow tree. Louis walked slowly towards it and stopped in front of it. The headstone was shining black, just her name carved into it with dates of birth and death. On top of it there was a set of angel wings decorating the otherwise simple stone. He had seen pictures of it, but seeing it for himself, was something he wasn’t prepared for. Louis lit the candle he had been carrying and put it down with trembling hands. Louis knew it was May and there were fifteen or so hours of daylight in a day, but his mum had loved candles and that’s why she’s got candles now, too. Next to the candle he placed the red rose. He closed his eyes for a moment before opening them again.

“Hi, Mum.” Louis whispered.

That was all it took for tears to start falling down his face. First in uncontrollable bursts, later turning into muffled sobs, before eventually, much later, quieting down. This was the first time he had let himself cry and grieve for his mother since she had passed away. At first, he thought he had to be brave for his siblings, letting them cry, being the one they could lean on. Then later, he just couldn’t cry anymore. Because if he were to cry for her, it felt like he was admitting she was gone. Really gone and never coming back. 

And now he was finally crying.

“Hi, Mum.” Louis started again. He was sitting, legs crossed on the ground, if he reached out with his hands, he would have been able to touch the cold stone.

“Sorry, it took so long for me to come see you. But you know, there hasn’t been a day when I haven’t thought about you. I miss you so much.” He could feel tears dampening his cheeks again. Now, that the gates had finally opened, he couldn’t stop crying. It felt quite good, in fact, to cry.

“I don’t know if they’ve told you, but I live in New York City now. I moved there about a year ago. I sold my LA house, because I didn’t want to go back there anymore. Too many bad memories. And I have always loved New York, so it was an easy decision to move there. I bought a house and I really like living there. And Zayn is living with me. He has his own floor and everything.” Louis explained. He didn’t care if anyone saw him talking to the stone. He just wanted to talk to his mum, like they used to do all the time. Only this time, he wouldn’t get any answers.

“I got a new job, too. It’s a Broadway musical. James Corden is directing it, you remember him, don’t you? He had contacted Liam and asked if I wanted to audition. Eventually, I decided to do it and I was casted.” Louis stared at the pale light of the candle for a while. 

“I was a little worried, I still am, about the fact that my character role is gay. And I don’t know how the audience is going to react to that. Because of all those homophobic articles back then. But everybody has said that I shouldn’t worry about it now. I try not to, but it’s not that easy, you know.” Louis sighed. 

“We started our rehearsals in March and have enjoyed it so much. I didn’t realise before how much I missed singing and acting. And now I feel I’m able to do it without the pressure. I know the pressure will be there eventually, when the publicity part starts. But at the moment, I can just enjoy what I’m doing. And it’s great.” Louis paused for a minute to wipe his face with the hem of his shirt. Then he looked up again and continued to talk.

“I have met someone.” Louis confessed to her next. “His name is Harry and he has this brown, curly mop of hair and the greenest eyes I have ever seen. He is so beautiful, mum. And I don’t just mean on the outside, but on the inside too. He is so friendly and kind, so supportive and he always seems to know what I need. I always call Zayn my best friend, like he is. But Harry is too. He is also something more, like a soulmate or something. And I don’t even believe in soulmates.” Louis laughed a little.

“And he is like a giant toddler sometimes. I think he would get along with Doris and Ernie, being on the same level.” Louis grinned. “I wish you could have met him.” 

“Actually, I think you might have seen him. You remember, when I was on the X-Factor as a judge. It was many years ago, though. But he was there. Poor thing just froze, when he realised I was one of the judges. He had a really bad crush on me back then.” Louis was now smiling at the memories, his fingers finding the newest tattoo on his arm.

“And before you think he is just after fame or money he is not. I know. His best friend is Niall Horan, one of the most famous pop stars in the world at the moment. I have never seen any articles mentioning Harry more than the fact that they are best friends. And even those ones are rare. He is not after that. I know him. I trust him.” Louis knew he was smiling fondly, eyes crinkled. It was his Harry face, he couldn’t help himself. 

“And mum— I think I’m in love with him.” This was the first time he’d admitted his feelings for Harry and it felt important that his mother was the first one to know.

“I haven’t told him, we haven’t even kissed. Although, I almost kissed him once, but Zayn interrupted us. So, I don’t even know if he feels the same. Sometimes I’m sure he does, and then I’m back to doubting him again. I hope he does. But even if he doesn’t, I still want to keep him in my life. He is so important to me and I can’t let him go.” Louis knew he was rambling, but he just had to get it all out at once. Louis took a deep breath preparing himself to say the last thing he had on his mind. 

The worst one.

“Mum, I think I might have bulimia.” Louis finally sobbed. “I have read about it, I have similar symptoms and I act the same way. I can’t tell anyone about it, I just can’t. But I don’t know what to do about it. I don’t know how to get it to go away. I have tried, but don’t know how. I don’t  _ know _ .” Louis was crying again, but now for a very different reason.

“I just wanted to tell you. I have always told you everything, but never told you about this. I’m sorry, mum.” Louis said in a thin voice. Saying it aloud had been hard, but somehow it made him feel a bit better.

Louis sat there quietly after he had stopped talking. He leaned back and let his upper body rest against his arms. He lifted his tear spotted face up and let the sun warm it. He had to go soon, but he gave himself some more time to just be silent for a moment and think about his mum.

“I’m gonna go now.” Louis said eventually. “I will visit you more often, I promise. But you are always in my heart, no matter where I am. Remember that. I love you so much.” He was able to smile when he spoke, no tears this time.

Louis stood up and took a glance at the grave. He pressed two fingers onto his lips to kiss them and then touched the pair of angel wings on the headstone like he was giving her a kiss.

“Bye, mum.” He whispered and walked away.

But this time he felt lighter, like a huge weight had been lifted off his shoulders. Like he was able to breath again. He knew it wasn’t like now everything was going to be fine and he was going to live happily ever after. No, not even close. But this gave him something.

It gave him hope.

  
  



	11. Chapter 11

[ One Direction - I Wish ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oszJ-9Ffjjw)

  
  


Harry

May, 2017

Harry walked the path ascending to the relatively new block house, where his sister lives, from the street running by the complex where Louis had dropped him off. A green lawn surrounded the buildings and Harry nodded approvingly to himself as he studied the neighbourhood.

He tugged the strap of the bag to loosen the pressure it put on his shoulders and neck. In moments like this, he wished he had a 4-wheel carry-on bag instead of the one he had now. It wasn’t like he couldn’t manage the weight. No, he was definitely in shape, that wasn’t the problem. It was more that the bag was close to strangling him and it was certainly bruising his shoulder. The choices he made sucked sometimes.

Harry punched in the door code Gemma had given him and pushed open the door leading to the staircase. She lived on the second floor, so instead of taking the lift, he decided to take the stairs. The damage had already been done to his shoulders, so a few more stairs wouldn’t change anything. He sighed and started climbing. It didn’t take him long to reach his destination. He pressed the doorbell and waited. After a short moment the door was pulled open and Harry found himself in the arms of his sister.

“Harry, you’re here!” Yelled a brunette woman with warm, yet sharp eyes. She let him go and waved for Harry to come inside.

“Hi Gemms,” Harry replied and dropped his bags on the floor.

It felt heavenly.

“I’ll show you to your room where you can put your bags. I’ll make us tea in the meantime.” Gemma led him to the room, clearly serving both as a guest room and a home office. Her desk was placed near the window to provide enough light to work under. The other furniture in the room were a sofa bed, a chest of drawers and a small side table next to the sofa. A colorful rug sat on the floor, a couple of pictures hanging on the walls, and a tv opposite the sofa. Cozy and practical, very Gemma.

Harry freshened up a bit before he made his way to the living room, where Gemma was already waiting with their tea. He plopped himself onto the soft couch and took the steaming mug Gemma handed him. 

Harry looked around the living room and the open-concept kitchen that continued on with the same classic style Harry had seen in his temporary bedroom.

“This looks very comfy, Gem.” This was the first time Harry had visited his sister and her boyfriend’s new flat since they had moved earlier this year.

“Thanks, H. I like it, too.” She smiled and sat down on the other end of the sofa.

“So, you’re enjoying it here? The neighbourhood seems really nice, too.” Harry wanted to know, blowing on his tea before sipping it carefully.

“Yeah, I really like it here. I know, it’s not a city center, but I prefer living here. It’s quite peaceful and has small town feelings, but has all the services we need available nearby. Plus, it’s only half an hour away from central London.” Gemma explained with a look of genuine happiness on her face.

“It’s not bad at all, is it?” 

“No. And I don’t even have to go there daily, because I work at home some days. Although Michal commutes daily, like I said it’s not too long at all. Could be much worse. And, another major reason, rent is bearable here. Not low, but something we can afford when there are two of us paying rent.” Gemma chatted lightly while sipping her tea.

“Speaking of the devil, where have you hidden your boyfriend?”

“He’s at work now.” Yes, of course, Harry thought. When you’re on holiday it’s always easy to lose the track of days. “But he’s staying with his friends tonight. I thought we could have some quality brother-sister time together. And he is going to have a free night too.” Gemma grinned.

“Yeah. I like that. It’s been a while since the last time.” Gemma and Michal had been in Holmes Chapel last weekend, but Harry didn’t have much private time with her. They had been doing more family stuff together, all five of them. Having barbecues, playing board games, just being together in general and Harry wouldn’t change anything about that. But it’s always nice to spend time with Gemma. They had always been close, but because of the circumstances, they don’t see each other as often as Harry would like . 

“Good, because you actually don’t have a choice.” Gemma smirked and raised to take her empty mug to the kitchen. “Are you hungry, by the way? It’s lunch time already.”

Harry thought about the sandwich his mum had made him and Louis before their drive, and yes, as a matter of fact, he was hungry. He nodded at Gemma saying he could eat something.

“I have some soup I could warm up now and later we could have dinner at the restaurant around the corner. How’s that sound to you?” She asked, already pulling food out of the fridge.

“Sounds good. Thanks Gemma.”

While Gemma was arranging their lunch, Harry allowed his thoughts to drift earlier today.

*

The doorbell rang and Harry had rushed to open it, almost tripping on his own two feet to answer it.

“That’s Louis!” He shouted to his mum who was looking at him, shaking her head fondly.

Harry didn’t care. It was Louis and he had missed him like hell. No one could blame him for that. At least, no one who knew Louis like Harry did.

Harry pulled the door open and behind it there was this small, gorgeous looking man smiling beautifully. Harry felt his heart flutter with the sight and he pulled Louis into a tight embrace. He had missed him so much. Did he say that already?

“Hi, Haz.” Louis muttered his face still pressed against Harry’s chest. “Good to see you.”

Harry wished he could have lifted Louis up into the air and spin him around a few times, just to make him giggle and because he really,  _ really _ wanted to do so. He managed to contain himself and settled to tighten his hug one more time before letting him go.

“Hi, Lou.” He greeted the smaller man warmly. “Good to see you, too.”

Harry heard a throat clear behind them and remembered there were other people around.

“Oh. Yes. Louis, this is my mum Anne Twist. Mum, this is Louis Tomlinson.” Harry introduced them to each other.

“Nice to meet you Mrs. Twist. I have heard a lot about you from Harry.” Louis held out his hand to shake, but Anne pulled him to a strict hug.

“Handshakes are too formal, dear. Nice to meet you, Louis. I have heard  _ a lot  _ about you too from Harry.” She had smirked with sparkling eyes.

_ Traitor _ , Harry had thought, blushing.

“And call me Anne, please. Mrs. Twist makes me feel ancient.” She grinned.

“There is no way anyone could think you are day over thirty, Anne. Not even with your son standing next to you, because no one would ever believe  _ he _ is over twelve the way he behaves sometimes.” Louis grinned back at her and made her burst out laughing.

_ Traitors _ , Harry had thought again. Although, in reality he was pleased to see the most important people in his life getting along. Harry felt like he was beaming.

“I know what you mean.” Anne admitted before directing her words to Harry saying “I like this one.”

“Please, come in.” She was talking to Louis again. “I made sandwiches for you to eat before you move on. You need to rest a while anyway. Please, just go to the living room, I’ll make you some tea and bring it over soon.” She had said before disappearing through the door leading to the kitchen.

“C’mon. I want you to meet Robin. He is in the living room.” Harry had tugged Louis’ arm gently.

“I— “ Louis had gulped visibly and Harry saw the slight panic in his eyes.

“Hey,” Harry had said softly and pulled Louis closer. “Don’t worry. He is a great man and if you ever saw him on the street, you probably wouldn’t even notice his illness. If that’s what you are scared of. And—“ Harry had locked their eyes. “I have told Mum and Robin about your mum. I also said that this might be emotional for you in some way. They will understand if you want to leave the room at any point. Just try not to worry too much. But you can always say no, if you want to. You know that, don’t you?” Harry assured Louis and made sure he wasn’t forcing Louis to do anything he wasn’t comfortable doing.

“Yeah, I do.” Louis had answered and looked more… relieved, maybe?

“Shall we go then.” Harry had asked and led the way to the living room where Robin was sat. He had stood up when the pair entered the room.

“Hello,” He greeted Louis. “you must be the infamous Louis Tomlinson who made our Harry here shit his pants on X-Factor.” He grinned and Louis burst out laughing.

_ Traitor. This house is full of traitors… _ However, Harry loved Robin for breaking the ice with Louis. He had really needed that.

“The one and only.” Louis grinned back at him and lent his hand in to shake Robin’s. “Nice to meet you, Mr Twist.”

“You too, and please, call me Robin.” He said, shaking Louis’ hand. “Please, sit down. Anne will be here in a minute.”

“Thank you.” Louis sat down on the sofa and Harry slipped himself next to him. He restrained himself from snuggling Louis, he really wanted to feel the warmth of his body pressing into his own. Instead, he settled within an appropriate distance of him and tried not to stare too much.

“How was the drive here?” Harry heard Robin ask Louis.

“It was quite good, thanks for asking. Not too much traffic and the weather is nice, too. I remembered the weather in England was always rainy, but it hasn’t been too bad for the last couple of days.” Louis answered, looking beautiful. 

“If I was you I wouldn’t put stock in the weather staying that way quite yet.” Robin laughed. “Harry tells me you’re a big football fan.” Robin asked and Harry heard them start to talk about football. He just leaned back on the sofa and enjoyed the view. The view, obviously, means a happy looking tiny Louis Tomlinson. The best sight in the whole world, if you asked Harry.

Soon, Anne emerged carrying a tray filled with sandwiches and four mugs of tea. They ate while talking about this and that and soon after they had finished, it was then time to hit the road. Farewells are always sad, but this time Harry felt it was even sadder. Considering Robin’s illness, he didn’t know if this was the last time he was ever going to see him again in person. Harry didn’t let himself think about that too much now, but he might have held Robin a little longer and a little tighter than usual. But no one needed to know that.

They had been driving in silence for a while. Harry felt Louis’ gaze cast to him a few times, but he didn’t say anything. Harry was grateful for that because he really needed to get his shit together before he could start to talk again. All Louis did was lay his small hand on top of Harry’s hand resting against his thigh. Louis squeezed it and didn’t let go. In any other circumstance, a gesture like this would have made Harry’s heart bounce uncontrollably, but now it felt so soothing and very nice. Something he really needed.

“Whenever you are ready, Haz.” Louis said in a quiet voice and squeezed his hand one more time before pulling it away. “Sorry, gears.” He had added apologising.

“It’s just hard to say goodbye. And especially to Robin.” Harry finally said a good ten minutes later. So far, they had been driving with only music playing softly in the background and Louis humming along to it.

“Yeah, I know.” Louis sighed. “You had a good time together though, didn’t you?”

“Yeah, we had a great time. Gemma and her boyfriend were here for the weekend, like I told you before. We were having good old family time. We had a barbecue, we played board games, just basically spending time together.” Harry had explained.

“Then they left and for the rest of the time, it was just me, mum and Robin. He was a little tired from the weekend, so I spent time with my mum. I saw my friends that still live nearby and went to see my dad in Manchester, too. I really enjoyed all of it, but when I think this might have been the last time I’ll see Robin, it just makes me sad.” Harry said aloud, voicing his earlier thoughts.

“I know. And it’s only natural to feel that way. You can let yourself feel sad now, for a moment. But maybe you should just think more about how much of a good time you had and how that felt. How lucky you were when you had the chance to spend time with him and the rest of your family. Clear the negative thoughts away and leave the positive ones.” Louis had said. Harry knew he had a point, but it wasn’t always so simple.

“I know you’re right, but it’s hard.” Harry had said, and felt a few tears falling down his cheeks.

“Of course, it is, Love. Of course, it is.” Louis answered softly and Harry felt how his thumb carefully wiped tears away from Harry’s cheekbones. But before Harry even realised, the touch was gone and Louis was staring at the road again with an unreadable expression.

What was that, Harry had thought. Like there was something new with Louis’ behaviour, something Harry couldn’t read. The good thing was, Harry wasn’t thinking only about Robin anymore. Now it was both Louis and Robin.

How was that the good thing, again? He couldn’t remember.

Harry wiped the remaining tears away with the back of his hand and gave Louis a weak smile.

“Yeah. How was your visit? Haven’t heard anything yet.” Harry had asked, changing the subject.

“It was so good to see them all again. It’s like you don’t even realise how much you miss them until you see them again. It was great to spend time with them, just like you said before. But, to be honest, I’m knackered. They can be quite a lot, my family.” Louis grinned seemingly happy even if he was complaining about his family.

“I can only imagine. Even Gemma on her own can be a lot to handle. And you have six of them.” Harry had said shaking his head. “That’s a lot!”

“Well, this time it was  _ only _ five.” Louis grinned. “I haven’t seen Lottie, yet. We have spoken on the phone, but I will see her tonight. Did I tell you, Niall got her a ticket too? To the concert, I mean.” Harry had looked surprised. Louis had met Niall in New York when they had been at his concert there, but he definitely didn’t know they had been in contact since then. But again, this was Niall they were talking about, so Harry shouldn’t be surprised.

“No, neither did Niall. But that’s great.” Harry smiled. 

“Yeah. Niall texted me a couple of days ago. I told him back then I would see Lottie while I was in London and he said he could get her a ticket too. Lotts is so excited.” Louis had explained and that sounded like something Niall would do.

“Gemma is coming too. Maybe they would want to keep each other company, instead of hanging with their brothers.”

“I bet they will.” Louis grinned. They started to talk more about their siblings and time spent with their families within the past few days. Easy and light.

“I went to see me mum.” Louis said suddenly.

“Yeah?” Harry didn’t ask more. He just waited for Louis to continue.

“Yeah. It was the first time since the funeral I’ve been there. I just couldn’t go before. It was like if I went there I’d have to admit she’s gone.” Harry saw him gripping the wheel tightly, knuckles white and tears falling from the corner of his eye.

“Hey, hey. See, there is a rest stop coming up. Just pull the car in there, you can’t drive now. Please, Lou.” Harry pleaded and to his relief, Louis did what he had asked. He turned the engine off and leaned back before he spoke again.

“I haven’t even cried before. For her – death, I mean. I didn’t let myself. Maybe at her funeral I cried, I don’t remember. But since then. Nothing.” His words were struggling to come out. “But when I went to her grave, I just cried and cried. And now it seems, I can’t seem to make it stop.” Louis sniffed and pointed to the falling tears. He stared out of the windscreen in silence.

“I think it’s a good thing. You’re finally able to cry. Maybe this is you finally accepting the fact that she’s not coming back. And then you can, step by step, finally start to recover from your loss.” Harry said softly, hoping he had found the right words.

“I know. And this was something I had to do. Afterwards, I felt much better. I felt sad and missed her like hell, but still, in some way I was relieved. I don’t know, it’s difficult to describe it. But for the first time since she passed away, I feel like someday I could get over this. Not like I would ever forget her. But like, I could think about her without my chest hurting all the time.” Louis finished and Harry felt his own face dampen with tears. 

“Come here.” Harry said, pulling him closer to give him a hug and whispered. “I’m so proud of you.”

They stayed like that for a while, just hugging each other and eventually Harry didn’t know who was comforting whom. It didn’t matter, it felt good. Louis must have felt the same, because he didn’t let go either.

But eventually, they had to. They just stared at each other, smiling easily.

It felt good. Almost too good.

*

Harry was roused from his daydreams when Gemma called him from the kitchen to join her at the table. They ate their tomato soup, chatting casually throughout. Afterwards, they went to sit on Gemma’s well-sized balcony to enjoy the beautiful sunshine while it lasted, with glasses of cold white wine in their hands.

“How was the rest of your week with Mum and Robin?” Gemma asked, letting her eyes move across Harry’s face as they were lazily sitting on their chairs.

“It was good to be there. I really missed them both.” Harry said, and told Gemma the same things he had told Louis earlier in the car. What they did, how he felt, how difficult saying goodbye was. And even though Harry knew Louis understood what he was going through, he had been in the same position in a way, it was still different to talk about these things with Gemma.

Harry knew Gemma would understand him even better, because she knew Robin and she wasn’t living near them either. Just like Harry. Of course, Gemma was only a few hours drive away instead of having an ocean between them. Louis had been able to stay near his mum the whole time she was sick. 

And he also had a bunch of underaged siblings to take care of at the same time, Harry reminded himself. He knew he really shouldn’t compare their situations. It made no sense to do so. 

“Saying goodbye to them, to Robin. It was just so fucking hard.” Harry sighed and took a big gulp from his wine to ease his nerves.

“I know, H. I know. But there really isn’t anything we can do about it. We should just enjoy the time we have with him. It could be a week, it could be a year. We don’t know. And Robin doesn’t want us to be sad.” Gemma said gently, telling him things Harry had told himself many times. But somehow it was always more effective, when someone else said them aloud.

“And we should be happy that he is still able to live at home. He is tired and is sometimes in pain, but it’s tolerable at the moment. He can live quite normally despite his illness. And we should be grateful for that. Not grateful he has fucking cancer, but even if he is not getting better, he still has a fairly good quality of life.” Gemma finished her speech and stared into the distance. She was saying the right things, and she meant them, Harry knew it, but the sadness was still audible in her voice. How wouldn’t there be?

They sat in a silence for a while, there wasn’t anything to add. They emptied their glasses and without any words, Gemma took and refilled them. After the first sip, Harry finally spoke again.

“You want to know what Robin’s first words were to Louis?” Harry grinned. “He said ‘You must be the infamous Louis Tomlinson who made our Harry shit his pants on the X-Factor’” And Gemma almost choked on her wine as she laughed so much.

“I love him. He’s great.” She grinned at Harry.

“Yeah, he is. I had told them before that Louis losing his mum to cancer might make it difficult for him to see Robin. Might bring up memories about Jay. That was Robin’s way to shift the mood and it worked.” Harry explained to Gemma.

“So, Louis.” Gemma started and Harry had been wondering when the first questions about him would appear. “Are you in love with him?”

Alright then. Gemma was herself again. Subtle as a flying brick through a window.

Harry had sometimes thought Niall and Gemma would make the perfect good cop-bad cop team. Gemma being the bad one with a sharp tongue. She was pure evil whenever she wanted to find out information (Harry’s opinion as a brother) and Niall had his own methods. And because Niall was Niall, he was the good one. But definitely, if they teamed-up and established their own little Spanish Inquisition, the intelligence agencies around the world would be clamoring for them, Harry was sure. Their methods usually worked on him at least.

“Whatever in love means—” Harry blurted out the first thing came to his mind.

“Really, H.” Gemma laughed. “Do you think quoting Prince Charles’ infamous words would save you from answering?”

“Erm—“ Harry mumbled and took one more sip. 

“Alright, you don’t have to answer.” She said then almost coyly. “I can wait till tomorrow and ask Louis myself, I’ll ask him how he feels too. That will be even more fun.” Gemma smirked when Harry scowled at her. She was definitely evil.

“Ok, I’ll let you off this time.” Gemma said before Harry was able to say anything. “Tell me about him.”

And Harry did. How they met again, becoming friends, spending time together. He also told her about Louis’ mum and her illness, how Louis was coping with getting over it. He told her what Louis had told him earlier about his visit to her grave. It wasn’t something he would have told just anyone. But Gemma was Gemma. She wouldn’t tell anyone. But Harry just needed to get things off his mind and talking aloud helped him with that.

When Harry finally stopped, Gemma sighed. “You really love him. You don’t even have to say it anymore. It’s the way you talk or how you look when you talk about him. It’s just there.” 

“Yeah, I think I do.” There was no point in denying it anymore. After all, he was talking to Gemma.

“Does he feel the same?” Gemma asked, much softer.

“I don’t know. Like I’m not 100 percent sure if he is even gay. I think he might be. And sometimes I think he might like me just as much as I like him. A while ago he said there were some things he had to deal with first, before he could think about other aspects of his life. And somehow the ‘other things’ felt like he was talking about us. But I don’t know for sure. I didn’t ask.” Harry sighed. There were moments when Harry was almost positive Louis had feelings for him too. Like their almost kiss and the moment earlier today. But then he started to overthink everything and got confused again. It was frustrating. 

“If there is anyway to read between the lines, I would say that there is a good chance he feels the same. Maybe he really just needs time.” Gemma smiled convincingly.

“Yeah, maybe.” Harry shrugged and tried to push Louis out of his mind for a moment. Right now, there wasn’t anything he could do about it. 

They spent a couple of more hours on the balcony, just talking and enjoying each other’s company. Before dinner they walked around and Gemma showed him the neighbourhood. Later they went to have fat steaks at a nearby restaurant, and before going home they went to a pub to have drinks. Because it was a warm night for May, they had one more glass of red whilst sitting on the balcony before going to bed. It had been a nice evening, something Harry had really needed. 

In the morning, they had enough time to have a lazy breakfast before Louis came to pick him up and drive them to the hotel. Harry had told him he could take the train and the tube to get there, so he didn’t have to do the extra trip to Gemma’s. But Louis had turned him down and said if he had to drive in Central London, it was nicer to sit in traffic with someone. Driving through the outskirts wasn't a problem at all. And apparently, Lottie was living on the same side of London, too.

“Should I come say hello to him?” Gemma asked with a mischievous look on her face. “Or should I save it for later?”

“Maybe it would be easier if you see him at the venue?” Harry proposed. This way he would have enough time to warn Louis about his nosey sister.

“You said his sister is also coming? Lottie, was it?” 

“Yeah, Niall got her a ticket. She’s only eighteen, so don’t be too harsh on her.” Harry warned.

“Who do you think I am? Cruella De Vil who hunts puppies just for fun?” Gemma asked.

“Well…” Harry smirked and shrugged.

“Ok, that’s it. Out of my house, you monster.” Gemma laughed “See you later then. Bye.”

“See you.”

*

Louis drove them to the hotel. Niall had organized it so they would get their room immediately even though the real check-in time hadn’t started yet. And when the other guest was Louis Tomlinson, they would have waved that policy anyway.

The room was gorgeous, at least for Harry. Louis had been used to luxury, but for Harry it wasn’t something experienced daily. But good ole Niall had got them the junior suite. A comfy looking king size bed, a sofa with a coffee table and a big bathroom with a shower and bathtub. The view wasn’t too bad either.

Louis jumped on the bed and Harry soon followed him, letting out a satisfied sigh.

“This is nice. Isn’t it?”

“Yeah, when you have great company with you.” Louis smirked. “But when you are alone in one, it feels like a prison sometimes. I don’t want to sound like a whiny bitch, but the glitz is not always glamorous.” There was a certain sadness in his tone and all Harry wanted to do was hug him. But something was refraining him from doing so this time.

“Did you have to stay in a lot of hotels back then?” Harry asked instead, referring to Louis’ active years of filming.

“From time to time, yes. But most of the movies I was in were filmed in LA. Sometimes we did some of the filming at other locations, too. And of course, there were always the promo tours. They were usually even more difficult, because the fans often found out where we were staying and made it quite impossible to sneak out and explore on a whim. You were able to go out, but it always required a lot of planning.” Louis explained.

“How about Los Angeles? Was it easy to get around there?” Harry was curious, admittedly. Louis hadn’t talked much about his past, if he wanted to talk now, Harry would listen.

“Surprisingly easy, yes. Even in my ‘crazy years’ or whatever you want to call it. You learnt to know how you could go out easily and not be disturbed. You would maybe get a few glances, but nothing more. And if you wanted to be seen, there were always streets or areas where paps were on call. Everybody knew it. So, if you got papped in those places, it was on purpose. Like the pap pics usually. They were hired to take pictures. That’s how PR works in Hollywood, and everywhere else too.” Louis told him, it sounded pretty much the same as what Niall had told him too.

“Sounds hard.” Harry said. It was more of a statement than anything else.

“Yeah. But on some level, you get used to it. Pap-walks, I mean. I never liked them, and I never will, but on some level, you just become numb to it. Or I had to, because otherwise I would have lost my mind. And the first pap-walks felt even a bit interesting, because it was all new and exciting. Even though I hated that they gave me a fake girlfriend.”

_ Fake girlfriend _ . Harry’s heart missed a beat when he heard Louis’ words.

“I hated it, because they made me hide who I was.” Louis continued and Harry’s mouth was suddenly so dry. He gulped hard before he whispered.

“You’re gay?” Harry’s question was barely audible.

“Yeah, I am. I thought you knew that already?” Louis asked and locked their eyes. Harry couldn’t breath anymore.

“I— I did. Kind of.” He answered laboredly eyes still on Louis’. He just couldn’t tear his gaze off him.

“Is it a problem for you? Me being gay?” Louis asked fear in his eyes.

_ Are you fucking serious _ , Harry wanted to scream. This was a dream come true to the power of twenty eight. But somehow he just couldn’t handle it right now. His head was swirling and he couldn’t think. 

“No, of course not.” Harry said with a strange voice. His breathing was wheezing and he would pass out soon. He had to do something. 

“Harry—“ Louis said softly and then Harry panicked.

“I think I’ll go to the gym! There should be one in the hotel. Haven’t been the whole week. Want to come? I’ll just grab my clothes. Yeah.” Harry was rambling, but he couldn’t help himself. He rushed to the bathroom and changed into his training gear before bolting out of the hotel room, leaving Louis behind, sat on the bed looking totally lost.

Harry hated himself, but he just had to get out. He leaned against the wall and wanted to bang his head against it. What the fuck are you doing, he asked himself over and over again, but he didn’t get any answers. 

So, he ran. Literally. Out of the room and then later, on the treadmill. After an hour, he was both exhausted and confused. Mainly confused, and he had no idea how to face Louis again.

But he had to do it anyway. He snuck back into the room all sweaty and embarrassed. Louis was now sitting on the sofa watching something on the telly. Or pretending to do so. Harry could feel his gaze following his moves before Harry slipped into the bathroom taking a shower.

Seeing Louis’ hurt and confused look, Harry wanted to flush himself down the toilet. He had to stop hiding in the bathroom like an idiot. He really needed to talk to Louis.

But first, Harry tried to make a seamless entry back to the room. He was halfway to the bed when he realised he was wearing nothing but a white towel on his hips. He stopped in his tracks but didn’t dare look up. His hair was still dripping and he could almost hear the sound of the drops when they hit the floor. The room was suddenly too quiet. Louis’ eyes were roaming over his half-naked body, Harry felt them on his body and the air became thick. Louis’ burning gaze made his dick twitch and he swallowed hard, closing his eyes. 

“I should probably take a shower, too. Now. Yeah.” This time it was Louis who ran away.

Wasn’t this just great. He really was the champion of screwing things up. Harry wanted to kick himself in the arse. Hard.

Instead, he dried himself with trembling hands and put on clean clothes before Louis came back out. He sat on the bed for a moment trying to calm down. When his dick had settled down, he ordered food for them using room service. They needed to eat before they went anyway.

Louis emerged much later, cheeks all flushed and seemingly calmer. Harry tried not to think of what he might have done behind those doors. He looked the other way as Louis put his clothes on.

“I ordered us some food. I’m hungry and I think it's a good idea to eat something before we go. There’s food at the venue, but I wanted to eat now.” Harry said, trying to sound as normal as possible. His success rate was zero, but he knew that before he even opened his mouth.

“Good, yeah. I’m actually quite hungry, too.” Louis answered and he didn’t sound as uncomfortable as before. “Want to watch a movie or something before we go? I ordered us a car at half six, so we still have enough time for that.”

“Yeah, sounds good.” Harry nodded, because, what other options did he have? Watching a movie in uncomfortable silence would be better than just sitting in it without any distractions.

Movie, definitely movie.

There was a movie. There was food. And there was that awkwardness that Harry hated. He hated it even more because it was all his fault and he had no idea how to fix it.

Thank God, it was almost six. It gave him an excuse to go into the bathroom to fix his hair which, in reality, didn’t take more than two minutes, but Harry somehow ended up spending fifteen minutes in there. When he came out, Louis took his place. Harry pulled his t-shirt off. The black skinnies were allowed to stay, but he wanted to wear his gorgeous, pink Gucci blouse tonight. Maybe, because this was his birthday present and so was the blouse.

It absolutely did not have anything to do with looking good for Louis.

No. Absolutely, not.

Louis had also changed and was wearing some sheer, black t-shirt that exposed his chest tattoos. Harry had to put all his effort into not tearing it off him, throwing Louis on the bed and licking at his tattoos until Louis screamed. 

“Ok. Ready? Good. Let’s go.” Harry chirped, his voice a tad too high, probably sounding like a maniac. Frustrated and horny were a killer combination. 

The drive to the venue was bearable, especially when they knew there would be other people around. They were even able to hold a conversation. That was an improvement.

“So, basically, there will be pretty much the same gang you saw already in New York. Jeff, Glenne, and Kate. Ed will be opening for Niall tonight, so it’s going to be a big night for him too. I don’t think Niall’s family is there, they will go to the Manchester gig. And Dublin, of course. That will be The Horan family gathering. Nick will be here tonight, and Gemma, of course. Oh, have you been in touch with Lottie?” Harry suddenly remembered Louis’ younger sister.

“She is already waiting there.” Louis grinned and Harry couldn’t do anything but grin back like a madman. Louis just looked so cute and happy. “She is a tad excited, I’d say. Niall is her idol.”

“Yeah, I know what it’s like.” Harry answered without any thinking.

“You do, don’t you.” Louis smirked and touched the ‘Oops!’ tattoo on his hand.

Harry barked an embarrassing laugh and felt his cheeks redden.

“I hate you.” Harry scowled him, trying not to laugh.

“Oi, don’t blame me if you can’t control your body movements or the sounds that come of your mouth.” Louis smirked.

“Like I said, I hate you.” Harry laughed just before their driver announced that they’d reached their destination.

Their little exchange of words at the end of the drive seemed to ease the tension between them a bit. As soon as they got out of the car, there was a pink-haired girl running towards them, rushing herself against Louis to hug him.

“Easy, Lottie.” Louis laughed. “She’s slightly eager, as I told you earlier.” He continued now addressing his words more to Harry than to Lottie herself.

“Oi!” Lottie cried out. Louis hugged her and gave her a kiss on her cheek before pulling away.

“Harry, this is my sister, Lottie.” Louis introduced. “And Lotts, this is my friend, Harry.”

_ Friend _ . It wasn’t a word that should sting like it does. But it still did. Especially when he wanted so much more.

Harry pushed the thoughts away and hugged Lottie carefully.

“Hi, Lottie. Nice to meet you. Louis has told me  _ lotts  _ about you.” Harry answered and chuckled at his own joke. That was a good one and thinking about it again made him grin widely.

“Oh my God.” Louis rolled his eyes, but Lottie snickered a little.

“Yeah, I definitely prefer this Tomlinson.” Harry informed him and hooked her arm. “Ready to see Niall?”

Lottie nodded shyly and Harry led her inside, Louis following close behind.

There were already people gathered backstage, some of them familiar and others not so. Apparently, soundcheck was already over and Harry saw Niall standing with a bottle of beer in his hand talking to someone in his crew. Because it didn’t look like anything important, more like normal chatting, Harry pulled Niall aside.

“Hi, Ni—“ Harry didn’t get any further as Niall wrapped his arms around him and hugged tight.

“Hi, Haz! So good to see you, mate! How are you?” Niall shouted and patted Harry on the shoulders cheerily.

“And, Louis, my man! Good to see you, too!” Niall moved to Louis without waiting for Harry to answer. He hugged him too and then moved his gaze to Lottie who was staring doe-eyed at him. She looked like she was going to pass out soon.

“And who have we got here?” Niall asked now using a much more gentle voice, even though he knew who the young girl in front of him was.

“This is Lottie, Louis’ sister.” Harry said and then turned to Lottie to say. “And Lottie, this one here, is my friend Niall.”

“Nice to meet you, Lottie. Hope you enjoy my concert tonight. I heard you’re a bit of a fan.” Niall said to Lottie who’s big, blue eyes started to fill with tears when she stared at Niall.

“Oh, sweetie. Don’t cry.” Niall said and embraced her tightly and didn’t let her go before the sobs had quieted. “You alright, now?” Niall made sure and Lottie nodded. “Good, let’s get you a drink and I’ll introduce you to my friends.”

“And you two. Excuse me now, but I have a lady to take care of now. See you later, lads.” Niall said and walked away with Lottie in the crook of his arm looking like she was about to burst.

“She is so happy.” Louis said smiling and letting his eyes follow the pair disappearing into the crowd.

“Yeah. Niall is really good with his fans. Even if he is, well Niall,” Harry rolled his eyes and grinned “he can take care of them so well. I’m always as amazed as I was when I saw it the first time. But, I bet Lottie is going to have a night she won’t forget. Niall will make sure of it.” Harry said, nodding towards the other side of the room where Niall had his arm around Lottie’s shoulder and their heads were pressed together as Niall was whispering something into her ear making her laugh.

“As long as it stays in the friend zone.” Louis scowled at them and Harry burst out laughing.

“You don’t have to worry about that. First, she’s your baby sister. Niall would never touch her in an inappropriate way. Second, he has a long-term girlfriend. And third, hooking up with fans is not something Niall does. So, you can relax and let Lottie enjoy this without you being too much of a big brother.” Harry said quietly, touching his arm reassuringly. Physical contact wasn’t anything unusual, but now it made them both startle like it had burned them and made him take a step back.

Harry cleared his throat to ease the awkwardness. “Yeah, I’m gonna get a drink now. You want one, too?” He didn’t wait for Louis’ answer, just walked to the bar and took two shots in a row.

“Drowning your sorrows, Styles?” Harry heard a familiar voice behind him.

“Nick!” Harry cried out and jumped into the arms of the tall, quirky guy with a massive quiff. “Did you just get here? Oh, I’ve missed you. It’s been way too long since I saw you last.”

“You, too. Although, you didn’t answer my question. You’re not usually one for shots this early? Is something bothering you.” Nick studied Harry’s face looking slightly worried. That was the problem with having friends who knew him too well. They could always read him.

“Umm… No, not really. I’m just a little… Yeah. No.” Harry just kept rambling some nonsense. He tried to find where Louis went and finally pinpointed him on the other side of the room talking to Ed. He was staring at Nick and Harry, an undefined expression on his face, but when Louis realised Harry was watching him, he immediately looked away.

This really sucked. The worst part was, Harry couldn’t blame anyone other than himself. This was going to be a long, awful night.

Except, it wasn’t.

Actually, Harry had a great time. He was able to see and talk with his friends who he hadn’t seen for while and it made time fly. Before he realised, it was already Ed’s turn on stage.

He was an excellent performer, and the audience seemed to love him, too. He was playing for a good half an hour and Harry enjoyed every second.

There was a break after Ed and they all went backstage to have one more drink before Niall’s performance. Harry hadn’t drank too much after the shots, but he was tipsy, for sure. Just enough, to be in a good mood.

The only, and the biggest, downside was Louis. Well, not Louis himself, but the way he was definitely avoiding Harry all fucking night and it was driving him crazy. He needed to talk to Louis, explain everything to him. The problem was, he still didn’t know what to say.

_ Hey, sorry I freaked out earlier. It wasn’t something I expected you to say and because I’m madly in love with you, it just took me a bit of surprise. How is your evening, by the way? _

Yeah, he definitely needed to find some other way.

But before Harry had time to do anything, they were already announcing Niall on stage. Everything went well until the last song. Harry had danced and sang from the bottom of his heart during the concert. He really liked his best friend’s music, and seeing Niall live on stage, was always amazing.

The encore was coming to an end and the crowd knew it. Loud screams and cheers filled the venue when the last chords of Fool’s Gold faded into the background.

”Thank you very much to all of you for coming here tonight! You have been an amazing audience and it’s been an honour to perform for you! I hope to see you again! Thank you, London!” Niall yelled to the microphone. ”But now, it’s time for the last song of tonight. This is ’Slow Hands’.”

Harry heard the teasing beats of the song starting to flow. This had always been one of the big favourites of Niall’s production. It was just so catchy and sexy, and now, it made Harry want to do things with Louis. Touch him. Kiss him. Have sex with him. All he could think was  _ LouisLouisLouis _ .

Louis, who was standing next to Lottie less than two meters away. She was singing and dancing along the music, but his brother was staring straight at Harry with hungry eyes. It was dark, but Harry could see it. He could  _ feel _ it. Their eyes were locked and everything around them seemed to disappear. The lyrics were driving Harry crazy with lust. It was just them and the seducing rhythm of the song. Their lips were partly opened and breathing all heavy and hot. His jeans were feeling tighter and tighter by the second. Harry couldn’t wait anymore he just had to touch Louis, he—

”Harry, are you listening?” Someone said over his shoulder.

”What…?” Harry was pulled out of his Louis trance.

It was Nick who was talking to him.

”I was just saying that there are cars outside waiting for us. They’ll take us to the party.” Nick repeated. Harry hadn’t even realised the music had stopped.

”Ok. I just tell Lo—” Harry started, but when he looked around, Louis wasn’t there anymore. Disappointment flickered in his chest, maybe he had been dreaming once again. He sighed and swallowed the unpleasant feeling, saying to Nick. ”Yeah, let’s go.”

Backstage, Harry saw Niall, still filled with the rush of adrenaline from the show, dragging Kate, Lottie and Louis with him into the first car, meanwhile, Nick led Harry to the second one with Gemma and Ed.

Joyful chatting filled the car, but Harry wasn’t listening. He just couldn’t concentrate on it because there was only one thought in his head, Louis. He needed to talk to him. He already had his phone in his hand, text app open, but still the words were missing. Frustrated, Harry shoved the phone back into his pocket.

When did his life become so fucking miserable and pathetic? And since when couldn’t he send a simple text to his best friend anymore?

Today. 13:25. In your hotel room. That’s when, Harry sighed.

Not a minute too early, they arrived at the house where the afterparty was taking place. Harry had no idea who the owner of the house was, but it didn’t matter right now. The place was already crowded and the music was loud. Even if the house wasn’t so big it took Harry almost an hour to locate Louis. And when he finally did, he almost hoped he didn’t.

Louis was dancing on the area marked as the dance floor and he looked so good. His hair was sweaty and his shirt was clinging to his gorgeous body. The problem was, he wasn’t dancing alone. There was some tall, brunette guy who Harry had never seen before holding Louis’ hips with his large hands. And Louis was smiling at him.

Harry had to look away when he took a big gulp from his refilled cup of something which definitely contained alcohol.

“So, he’s the problem then.” It was Nick again.

“Who?” Harry asked even if he knew who Nick was talking about.

“Louis.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Harry tried one more time although he knew his words were lacking power behind them.

“I don’t know who you’re trying to convince, me or you, but there’s certainly something going on between you two. And I’d like you to tell me what is bothering you. Look Haz, I’m your friend and you can tell me anything.” Nick said, he sounded serious now. There was a sofa with free spots left and Harry sat down. The disadvantage was, it was facing straight at the dance floor. Harry plopped against the arm rest and closed his eyes.

“Yeah. He is the problem.” He sighed eventually. “Or actually, I am.”

“Ok. Want to tell me a bit more?”

Harry straightened up and glanced at Nick. “No. But I think I have to because I don’t know how to fix this by myself.”

Harry paused for a long time. “I feel terrible about what happened earlier today. It’s the worst thing anyone could do, and I did it anyway. I, of all people, should know that.” Speaking about the whole thing made him feel even more awful.

“And what did you do, Harry?” Nick even didn’t sound himself, his voice so much softer than usual. Harry took another gulp from the drink before answering.

“He came out to me today, I froze and ran away from our hotel room. We haven’t spoken to each other properly since then.” Harry whispered his cheeks all flushed with embarrassment.

“You didn’t? Harry, please tell me, you didn’t.” Nick looked horrified now and for good reason.

“I did. And it’s not an excuse or anything, but he had come out to me two times before this and I had told him it was ok, that he can be himself with me and I will be there no matter what. But today was the first time he actually said the words. That he is gay. And I just panicked and ditched him.” Harry hated himself. He felt Nick observing him and he felt another gaze burning into him from the dance floor, but he didn’t dare look. So, he took a sip again.

“At least, that was a relief, it wasn’t his first time. And you are sure he knows him being gay is ok with you?” Nick confirmed.

“Yeah, he knows.” Harry was certain about it.

“Ok, good. Maybe this isn’t so bad after all. Yes, it was still bad, very bad. But not as bad it first sounded.” Nick finally said. “But I’ll leave it for now. The main question here is, why did it scare you so much this time?” Harry had known this was coming. He had known and it still surprised him. He even didn’t know why.

“I— “ Harry started. What he was about to say?

“Is it because you’re in love with him?” Nick asked softly and Harry could do nothing but nod.

“Is it that obvious? My feelings for him?” Harry asked cautiously.

“Based on our previous texts, I’ve been quite sure about your feelings for weeks, but it’s always harder when you can’t see each other. So, I wasn’t sure. Until today.” Nick told him and Harry was staring him agape. How on earth had he got that? “You were talking about him all the time, you spent so much time together, you even had sleepovers. So, yeah, I was pretty sure. But when I saw you both together today, I had no doubts anymore. It’s so obvious that you two are crazy for each other. Even if you had been fighting, it was still there. All the glances, when you thought the other wasn’t looking—“

“But he doesn’t love me…” It was barely a whisper.

“Are you sure about that? Because I have been getting daggers in my back since I hugged you for the first time this evening, so I might have tried to push his buttons a bit. He is, without any doubt, jealous as hell. Why do you think he is grinding with that guy, who looks like you by the way, on the dance floor? He wants to make you jealous as well.” Nick stated, but Harry still refused to believe it.

“No, he is not…”

“He has been glancing at you every thirty seconds since we got here. Why is it so hard for you to believe, he most certainly has the same feelings for you that you have for him? That is the reason you got scared, isn’t it? Because you finally realised you might have a chance and you have to do something about it?” Nick said, reading his mind. Since when were all of his friends were able to do that?

“I think so.” Harry whispered.

“Do you want advice from an older and wiser friend?” Nick said and threw his hand over Harry’s shoulder. “Well, I’ll give it anyway. I think you should take your chance. That boy over there,” Nick pointed to the dance floor “is as crazy for you as you are for him. You did very stupid things today and he deserves a massive apology for that. But don’t let it break you two. He doesn’t want it to happen either. He wants you as badly as you want him. And if there is a teeny tiny chance, by the way I say no there isn’t, that he doesn’t feel the same, do you really want to lose this chance at love just because you’re scared? Because, Harry, I have known you now for five or six years, and you have never felt this way about anyone. Am I right?” Nick asked and Harry nodded.

“Just go get your boy and let yourself be happy, Harry.” Nick said, hugging him before walking away.

Harry closed his eyes and leaned his head against his palms. Moments later he felt the couch cushion dip beside him. He twisted his head slightly to take a glance. Gemma.

“Are you alright?” She asked.

“Not really, no.”

“Is it about Louis? You two look a bit strained.” Of course, Gemma had caught that too. She’s like a hawk. Harry nodded anyway.

Gemma noticed Harry wasn’t going to say anything, but she carried on anyway. “I had a long talk with him earlier.” Harry straightened up and stared at Gemma. “He’s a good guy, but something was bothering him. I think it had something to do with you. Because you’re acting weirdly too.”

“Do you remember what I told you yesterday? The question I wanted to ask him. About his feelings.” Gemma moved on without waiting for answers.

“You didn’t, Gem…!” Harry asked, horrified.

“No, I didn’t.” Harry sighed with relief but Gemma was still talking. “You know why I didn’t?”

Harry shook his head again.

“Because, I didn’t have to. The answer was written all over his face. Just like yours. I don’t know what is going on between you two now, but get your shit together and do something about it. You love each other, and even you are not that stupid to throw it away.” Gemma said and marched away.

Harry let his thumbs rest on his chin while his index fingers were pressing against his lips, he closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths to calm himself down. Finally, he opened his eyes and raised his gaze only to see Louis staring at him from the dance floor, the guy still dancing with him.

Harry got up, emptied his cup, placed it back on the table and walked out of the front door.

  
  



	12. Chapter 12

[ Niall Horan - Slow Hands ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nBmNcLBaPUE)

Chapter 11

Louis

May, 2017

Louis watched as Harry walked out of the door and he felt his heart drop.

_ No, no, no… _

It wasn’t supposed to go like this. He had just wanted to get Harry a little bit jealous and now he felt like he had screwed up everything. 

Or maybe Harry didn’t feel the same after all and everything had just been in his own head. The fondness he had seen in his gazes, in their touches which sometimes were so tender and then, next time they were like little shocks of electricity going through them when their hands met. And tonight, he was almost positive, he had seen lust and hunger in Harry’s eyes. Could he have been so drastically wrong about him? Had he just hoped too much that Harry would feel the same as he did and ignored all the other signs?

Like today.

The whole incident at the hotel had been so weird, to be honest. The way Harry had behaved when he had told him he was gay. Harry had known it already, he had said it too. So, why the hell had he acted like a deer in headlights? First looking so fucking scared and then running out of the the hotel room in the middle of the conversation. It didn’t make any sense, no matter how much thought Louis gave it.

He felt shitty and wished he was more drunk than he was. Because, actually, he wasn’t even drunk. But he definitely wanted to be right now. He drank a few beers backstage about three or four hours ago and just one cup of some horrible sweet punch when he arrived here. The rest of the time he had been on the dance floor, trying to make Harry jealous, without succeeding either. Like Nick, with his too high quiff and too many teeth to properly fit in his mouth, had made  _ him _ feel. 

Backstage Louis had just been about to follow Harry to the bar after freezing for a moment from the jolt Harry’s touch had caused. But when he finally recovered, Nick was already there. All over Harry and he was smiling back at Nick so happily it had made Louis’ heart hurt. He had chosen the easier way out and walked away. And all night long, where there was Harry, there was also Nick. Too close, too handsy and Harry didn’t seem to care. More than anything, he seemed to enjoy Nick’s company and closeness. All Louis had wanted to do was drag Harry away from him and kiss him senseless. 

But of course, he didn’t. 

Because he was a coward. Too fucking scared of his own feelings and terrified of Harry’s. 

But if Louis was being completely honest with himself, it hadn’t been a completely lousy night. Well except for now, but he had a great time even if Harry was missing from it. It had sucked, but otherwise he had had great talks with people he had met before as well as with new acquaintances.

Like Gemma, Harry’s sister. She had a great personality, witty and funny, and Louis had enjoyed her company very much. They had talked about their jobs, lives in general and Harry, of course. Lastly, she had just sighed “You are both so equally blind, you really deserve each other.” and then she had disappeared to the crowd.

What the hell had that been about?

Because she had been talking about Harry, hasn’t she? Who else could she have meant? What- or whoever she had meant, had made Louis’ hope rise again. And it might have partly been the reason why he had found himself on the dance floor with some lad who he wasn’t even interested in. Just trying to make Harry jealous and possibly then Harry would have made a move or something.

But it hadn’t worked, obviously, and now had to deal with this guy who still had his hands resting on Louis’ hips fingers boring into him a bit too hard. He shoved them off and pushed the guy away, not even bothering to look how he had taken the sudden turn of events. He just didn’t want to be here anymore. Lottie’s boyfriend was going to take her home whenever she called him, so Louis didn’t have to worry about her. There was no point of him staying here when Harry was gone. He just turned around to make his way to the front door and —

_ There was Harry _ .

Standing all tall and gorgeous. There was no fear in his eyes anymore, more like determination. He locked his eyes with Louis for a long time before he stretched his hand out for Louis to take. And when Louis carefully took it, he simply said ”Let’s go home.” Harry led their way out and Louis followed. 

No words were needed. Not anymore. 

There was a taxi waiting outside the house and they slid into the backseat. Both of them just stared straight forward, not daring to look at the other. They paid for their ride in the same silence, still gripping each other’s hands like drowning rats fighting for their lives. The lift ride felt agonisingly long, whilst muffled desire was vibrating between them in the poorly lit elevator. When the ride finally came to an end, they walked to their hotel room and with trembling fingers Louis dug up the keycard from his pocket and opened the door. They entered the room and the door behind them clicked when it closed.

Then it was just the two of them. 

Their eyes locked and both of them were breathing heavily. They were standing so close. So fucking close and Louis could sense the burning heat radiating from Harry, he felt his hot breath on his face and saw the lust in his darkened eyes.

”Louis...” Harry finally whimpered after something that felt like eternity and it was Louis he needed. He grabbed Harry’s face, pulled him close and crashed their lips together. 

And then he  _ was _ drowning. Into their kiss. Into Harry.

Louis couldn’t think anymore, he just felt. He felt so fucking much and he was about to explode. He had been waiting for this kiss for months, or maybe even his entire life. He didn’t know. All he knew was he didn’t want to let Harry go, never again.

Harry’s hands were cupping Louis’ cheeks as they sunk deeper into their kiss. Louis let his tongue slip through Harry’s soft, plump lips to meet the warm wetness of his mouth. Their tongues danced to the same rhythm and soon their bodies followed suit, needing more and more.

Without breaking the kiss Harry pushed Louis against the wall and leant his whole body against Louis’. He was thrusting his hips with an accelerated speed. After a while Louis had to push himself away for a moment otherwise he would come in his pants, he was already so close.

“I’m too close—“ Louis croaked and raised his hands to caress Harry’s face and examine him for a moment. He was so bloody gorgeous and Louis wanted to touch him so badly.

Harry stayed still and Louis let his hands slide lower, feeling the hot skin on their way down before the sense on his fingertips changed to the coolness of silk from Harry’s blouse. Louis caught the lace of the pussy bow and tugged it letting the silky ribbon tumble down exposing the start of his collarbones. Louis leaned in to kiss Harry, first on the mouth, then making his way down sucking a mark on the side of his neck while his fingers began unbuttoning his pink flower patterned blouse.

When the last button was undone, Louis flattened his hands on Harry’s chest and let his thumbs brush over his puffy nipples making Harry groan loudly. His fingers trailed Harry’s sides until his thumbs found the ends of his notable v-lines and followed their track under Harry’s waistline feeling the soft, sensitive skin underneath. With clumsy fingers he unbuttoned his jeans and pulled down the zipper liberating Harry’s hard dick from it’s cloth prison making a moan escape his lips. He looked at Louis with fierce, lust-fueled eyes and grabbed Louis' face.

“I can’t— Lou… Can I touch you, please? I  _ need _ to touch you  _ now _ . Please— ” Harry pleaded and Louis couldn’t help but nod, not trusting himself to formulate any words at this moment.

Harry pushed him back against the wall again and kissed him hard. On the mouth, the side of the neck, the collar bones that were peeking out from under his shirt.

“I want to suck you.” Harry said and without waiting for a reply, he dropped to his knees. He only looked up to ask permission from Louis who swallowed laboriously and then nodded again.

Harry’s fingers hovered over Louis’ waistband before he popped the button and then the zipper. Harry pulled the jeans down to Louis’ ankles and he helped him step out of them. Louis was already so hard and Harry hadn’t even touched him yet.

A loud moan broke out of Louis’ mouth when Harry finally mouthed at him through his wet spotted boxers. He peppered a few more kisses before he hooked the waistband with his thumbs and dragged the pants off too.

“Louis, you are gorgeous— so fucking beautiful.“ Harry breathed at the sight of Louis’ dick.

He leaned in and took the tip of Louis cock into his mouth and sucked it with enough force to make Louis’ knees buckle from the sudden pressure. Harry placed his large hands on Louis’ hips to stabilize him against the wall. He let the dick slip out of his mouth for a moment and licked the veiny outline of Louis’ cock slowly from base to tip before he sunk down fully. Louis couldn’t help but moan from the pleasure. Harry bobbed his head a few times and then pulled off with loud ‘pop’.

Louis didn’t have time to recover when Harry took him again. Deep, so deep that Louis couldn’t help but thrust his hips. Harry let out a surprised groan when Louis’ dick hit the back of his throat.

“Fuck… I’m sorry— “ 

Louis stopped talking when Harry pulled Louis’ hips encouraging him to continue.

“Oh—“ Louis blinked stunned before he tentatively thrusted again and Harry let out a pleased sound.

After that Louis didn’t hold himself back anymore. He couldn’t even if he wanted to. It just felt so good. He started to fuck Harry’s mouth. Hard. Heat was boiling in his gut as Louis’ dick hit the back of Harry’s throat time and time again, and Harry willingly took the abuse. Once Louis gripped Harry’s hair strongly to keep himself in balance, Harry let out a moan that was so loud and so bloody sinful that without any warning Louis’s body was coursing with a white-hot heat and he was coming into Harry’s mouth so fucking hard that he almost passed out.

He cried aloud, his whole body trembling with waves of pleasure, Harry gently sucking him through his orgasm. When the waves finally stopped, Louis just leaned against the wall, eyes closed until he was sure his knees wouldn’t let him down.

Eventually, Louis opened his eyes and glanced down at Harry.

And,  _ good fucking God _ .

Harry was looking so utterly obscene. There was no other way to describe it.

He was sitting on his knees. His jeans were pushed down to mid-thigh, freeing the rock hard cock with an angry dark head leaking precome and fully exposed. His silky blouse was open and the billowy fabric revealing his tattooed chest, now glimmering with sweat. His hair was messy and curls unruly, his big eyes were glassy and dilated and his cheeks were stained with tears that fell whilst Louis was fucking his mouth way too hard.

And his mouth,  _ God _ . His lips were swollen and red from all the kissing. They were slightly parted and come mixed with saliva dripped from the corner of his mouth onto his chin. If it had been possible, Louis would have come again, just from the sight below him.

And Harry was whining. 

Small, desperate noises were escaping his mouth. The complete opposite of the loud moans he had let out before. As though he was begging someone to show him mercy. Waiting to be saved.

When the realisation finally hit Louis, he dropped to his knees next to Harry.

”I’m here, baby. I’m here. Let me help you.” He whispered and wrapped his fist around Harry’s painfully hard dick.

Harry let out a fierce groan when he finally got relief to his neglected cock.

”I’m close— I’m so close…” He sobbed just after a few tugs.

Louis leaned in to kiss him, hard and open mouth, tasting himself on Harry, letting their slick tongues have a battle of their own. Louis slipped his hand up to Harry’s neck, catching a bunch of curls and tugging hard, his other hand moving up and down on his shaft.

Harry shouted against Louis’ mouth when he was coming fast and hard on his belly and all over Louis’ small hand. Louis felt him tremble when his orgasm shook his body before he went slack against Louis’ shoulder breathing heavily.

”That was — fucking amazing.” Louis was the first one to speak after their breathing had evened and their heart beats had returned to their normal rhythm. Harry was still resting his forehead on his shoulder and Louis carefully stroked his sweat dampened curls.

Finally, Harry raised his gaze to meet Louis’. There was a small, almost shy, smile on his face. The total opposite of the man who just minutes ago pushed Louis against the wall and let him fuck his mouth into oblivion.

“Hi—“ Harry smiled afterglow in his eyes.

“Oops—“ Louis answered, wiping the last remnants of come off Harry’s chin with his thumb and offering it to Harry to suck off. Once clean,he leaned in to kiss Harry. This time sweet and tenderly.

“I’m so tired.” Harry mumbled after they broke the kiss.

“We can go to bed. Just wait here, I’ll go get a flannel to clean us up. Ok?” Louis gave him one more kiss before he disappeared into the bathroom.

“Ok.” Harry responded, clearly still hazy.

Louis moistened a hand towel and wiped Harry clean with it. He walked a sleepy Harry to the bed before he cleaned himself in the bathroom. He brushed his teeth quickly and returned to bed next to Harry. He was almost half asleep when Louis pulled him closer and kissed him one more time.

“Goodnight, Harry.”

“Goodnight, Lou.”

As Harry slept, Louis stayed awake a little bit longer just staring at the ceiling, still stunned with the turn the night had taken. There were still too many unanswered questions circulating around in his head, but right now he just pushed them away. He allowed himself to be happy, even just for this moment. And with that thought, he finally fell asleep curling into to the boy he already loved so much.

*

When Louis woke up the next morning to an empty bed he almost panicked before he heard the toilet flushing in the bathroom. He really needed to stop being so damn insecure about everything. He was talking about Harry here.  _ Harry _ . Even if he didn’t trust himself, he should at least trust Harry. But still there was his weird behaviour yesterday, reminding of thoughts that were banished to the back of his mind. What if...

He  _ really _ needed to stop now.

The bathroom door opened and Harry stepped out smiling softly. “Morning.” He said and slipped back under the sheets.

“Morning.” Louis smiled. “Sorry, I have to use loo, too. I’ll be back in a minute.” Louis rushed to the bathroom, because he really had to. Not because he was running away. 

Seriously.

He relieved himself and brushed his teeth before returning to bed. Maybe having fresh breath would give him more self-confidence. This was Harry he was talking about, but still the situation was all new and different.

Harry was laying on the bed watching Louis as he made his way towards the bed wishing he was wearing a t-shirt or at least his boxers. Walking naked for the first time in front of someone, even if it was Harry, was difficult and it made him way too aware of his body. As soon as he reached the bed he dug himself under the duvet.

“Hi, again.” Louis breathed with his right cheek pressed on the puffy pillow facing Harry, who was mirroring his position.

“Hi.” Harry smiled and leaned in to press a small kiss on Louis’ lips, making his heart thump wildly. “Is this ok? Me kissing you.” Harry asked in turn looking slightly uncertain.

“Yeah. More than ok.” Louis whispered and after hearing the answer Harry kissed him again. This time the kiss was longer, but still tentative and soft. Very different to the ones they shared last night. But it was just perfect and Louis let himself sink into it.

When their lips eventually parted, Harry pulled Louis closer to cuddle him. Louis let out a small sigh of happiness and stretched his arm so it was resting over Harry’s chest.

“Does this feel weird for you?” It was Harry asking again. His thumb caressed Louis’ upper arm while he was speaking.

“No.” Louis shook his head before hoisting himself up slightly to get a better look at Harry. “You?”

“No. This feels like it’s the most natural thing we could do. I don’t know why. It just does.” Harry smiled and the butterflies in Louis’ belly were flapping their wings wildly.

“I’ve wanted to kiss you for such a long time. I still can’t believe it actually happened.” Louis confessed shyly.

“You have?” Harry sounded surprised. “I mean I have, too. But I didn’t know it was mutual.”

“Seriously? You had no idea?” Louis was sure his behaviour would have exposed him ages ago, but apparently that wasn’t the case at all.

“Well, sometimes I thought, maybe you could feel the same way. And then I was back to doubting again. So...” Harry shrugged.

“I know the feeling. I was doing the same.” Louis huffed. “I was trying to convince myself we were friends. And I tried to act like we were friends, we of course were too, but like we were  _ just _ friends.” Louis explained. “Until I almost kissed you, but Zayn interrupted me— ”

“What...? You were trying to kiss me?” Harry cried out. “Because I was trying to kiss you! And then I panicked and I thought I blew it and scared you away. You had been talking about your mum just before and I felt I was a real dickhead trying to kiss you just after that. I don’t know, but there was a big mess in my head afterwards.” Harry’s words were coming out as a lovely mess making Louis smile. 

“I know. I was quite a basket case, too.” Louis gave a quiet laugh. “But it kind of made me think about my Mum, too. The almost kiss and the thoughts it caused. I felt I had to do something so I could finally move on with my life.”

“Did you find any answers?” Harry asked, pulling Louis a little bit closer. 

“No, not really. Even though I kind of knew what I had to do.” Louis said and let his fingers brush Harry’s chest lightly. ”Then you suggested we go on this trip and I took it as a sign. But still, it was fucking scary to come back to England and go home.”

“I know, love. But like I said before, I’m so proud you did it anyway.” Harry said and Louis smiled bashfully at the pet name before he continued.

“I’m glad too, but it was hard. Because she was there, still. Everywhere in the house. And visiting her grave was without a doubt, one of the most difficult things I had ever done in my entire life. But afterwards I was relieved, it’s hard to describe the feeling, but somehow it gave me hope that I could finally move on.” Louis shared, and it was relieving to finally tell Harry all these thoughts he has had.

“And that moving on, it also included you, Harry. I didn’t know how yet, but at least I had admitted to myself I had feelings for you and wanted to find out if you feel the same, I just didn’t know how to.” Louis’ voice faded out. All of the sudden he felt very exposed after his confession. 

Had he gone too far already?

“I feel the same, Lou. I do.” Harry said, meeting Louis’ eyes and making his chest flicker with relief and elation. Harry was feeling the same! He knew Harry was going to keep talking so he kept quiet just smiling happily.

“I didn’t know what to do with it either. At first, I didn’t know for certain if you were gay and I was quite starstruck in the beginning I must admit, but I let that go the more I got to know you and see you were just a normal guy inside.” Harry rushed to say and kissed Louis’ hair.

“Because, after the first time you came to the bakery and we talked, I felt like I had known you for much longer. It was so easy to be with you. And I mean  _ you _ , Lou. Not Louis Tomlinson, the celebrity I had a crush on for ten years or so.” Louis felt Harry’s grin on his hair.

“But like I said, I think that faded quite fast and you really became a close friend. We had a great time together and we understood each other so well. But then at some point, I realised I had started to develop feelings for you. The  _ real you _ , and I knew it wasn’t just a ridiculous crush anymore. Like you said, I really didn’t know what to do with it either. Then you came out to me between the lines and I thought maybe there could be a chance after all. And then I was back to doubting again.” Harry sighed.

“Harry, what happened yesterday? I mean after I told you— you ran away.” Louis tried to keep his voice even but it had hurt to see Harry behave like that, run away from him after his confession. He needed to know why he had done it.

“I’m so sorry, Louis.” Harry hugged him tighter. “That never ever should have happened and I feel so fucking ashamed. When Nick found out, he almost kicked my arse, he was so angry at me.”

“You told Nick?” Louis didn’t know how to react to this information, but before he said anything else, Harry carried on.

“I had to. He knew something was bothering me. And then later he asked directly if it has something to do with you. After being such a douchebag I didn’t know how to deal with you, I didn’t know what to say to you. I had to tell him and ask his advice. I felt so horrible and I’m so, so sorry, Lou.” Harry was still talking into Louis’ hair, but his hand caught Louis’ smaller one under his own.

“But why Harry?” Louis asked again, his cheek still pressed on Harry’s shoulder.

“Why did I react that way?” Harry asked mainly to himself, but Louis nodded anyway. “I think I just panicked. I don’t know if it was just my imagination, but when we were driving back to London, I felt like something had changed. You felt more open or something… I don’t know.” Harry paused for a second.

“And then I talked, or she forced me to,” Harry laughed a little, but cut it off quickly as if he had just remembered what he had been talking about. “with Gemma about you. She said based on what I have told her, you could have feelings for me too, but maybe you just needed more time.” 

“And then you suddenly told me you are gay,” Harry continued and squeezed Louis’ hand gently “which I had already known, even if sometimes I had doubts I might have misunderstood it all. I think I panicked, because now, I knew for sure. And it made this all much more real.”

“I don’t know if you get what I mean, but I had no excuses anymore.” Harry explained. “I’m going to sound like a teenager now, but I want to say this anyway.”

“When I wasn’t one hundred percent sure, I could always say to myself ‘yeah, he could have liked you too, but he is not into guys, so get over it’. And then I knew for sure you were interested in men and it was scary. Because if you didn’t like me, it was because you didn’t like  _ me _ , not the general guy thing. I don’t know how to explain this better, because I don’t understand it either.” Harry sighed sounding frustrated. He hoisted himself up a little and turned to Louis so he was facing him.

“I just know it was immature and unacceptable to behave like I did and I hope someday you will forgive me. You don’t know how sorry I am.” The last words of his long speech Harry said looking Louis straight in his eyes and pleading for forgiveness.

“I know you’re sorry.” Louis huffed out a breath. “But it still hurt. It had been a long time since I had said those words to anyone. I told you and you ran away. And even if I knew it wasn’t being gay that made you do what you did. I know that you are not homophobic, but it left me unsure. It wasn’t the best feeling, to be honest.” Even though Louis knew his words would make Harry feel worse, he had to tell him how he had felt. “But I forgive you because I know you didn’t do it on purpose. I just wanted you to know how your behaviour affected me.”

Harry hugged him even tighter and murmured against Louis’ hair over and over again. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” He continued it until Louis quieted him down by pressing their lips together. Harry made a surprised noise and Louis looked at it as an advantage to slip his tongue into his pretty mouth.

Harry pulled Louis closer and moved his hand to the nape of Louis’ neck to deepen their kiss. Their tongues found matching rhythms and moved in sync while they explored each other’s hot mouths. The air again became thick and heated. Louis’ naked body was half-laying on Harry’s chest, one foot tangled between Harry’s legs and his hardening dick was pressed against his sculpted thigh. Harry slid his flat palm over Louis back to the swell of his arse letting his hand admire the round shape of Louis’ bum. He rubbed it slightly before slipping his finger to linger on the velvety skin around his entrance. When Louis arched his back, he finally let the tip of his finger gently press against his hole making Louis moan loudly.

Harry swooped them over and caged Louis on the bed. Harry was now on top of him, their crotches lined up and hard-ons pressed together. Harry crashed their lips back together after only being parted for a few seconds. Louis let Harry capture his wrists and drag them up so they were pressed into the bed on either side of his head. Harry’s tongue was hot and hard in his mouth and so was his dick. Harry was thrusting his hips fiercely grunting lowly and Louis couldn’t help but respond.

Harry broke their kiss and went down sucking and biting on Louis’ delicate collar bone, leaving a line of small, red bite marks onto his skin. Louis was already too fucking close. The friction from their hard cocks was just so overpowering. Harry still holding his wrists, didn’t leave him much choice other than to move his hips. They were rutting against each other, their heads alternating direction from side to side, gibberish spilling from his mouth.

Suddenly Harry hoisted himself up and shifted himself onto his forearm, wrapping their leaking cocks in his massive hand and starting to stroke. Louis watched it for a while before letting his head fall on the pillow again just concentrating on the pleasure Harry’s hands were giving him. With both of their dicks in his fist he just kept the steady pace and after a while, Louis could feel he was quickening his tugs. Soon after, Harry stiffened for a second then he was coming with a shout. The aftershocks were still surging throughout his body when Harry quickly shimmied down the bed and took Louis’ head in his mouth. He swirled his tongue around it and licked the sensitive slit and Louis came shooting his load into Harry’s mouth with a scream. Harry sucked him gently until every last drop was gone and Louis’ dick started to feel oversensitive.

Harry crawled back up and slumped on Louis, breathing heavily against his neck, Louis wrapped his arms around him and peppered his shoulder with small kisses letting his hand roam over Harry’s back. After a while Harry pushed up a little bit and met Louis’ gaze that was already aimed on him.

“Hi.” He said dimples popping and eyes all happy and relaxed.

“Hi.” Louis breathed knowing his own eyes were very much reflecting the same happiness as Harry’s. “And wow! That was – quick.” Louis grinned and Harry bursted into a laugh.

“Yeah, it sure was. But it was good though.” Harry replied and leaned to kiss him gently on the lips.

“It was amazing! But I still can’t believe this is actually happening. You and me. Us kissing and doing other stuff.” Louis said tentatively like still trying to find out how Harry really feels about this all.

“I know! But it feels good. I have wanted to do it for such a long time and now I don’t want to let you go.” Harry said kissing him again.

“So, this is not just a one night thing?” Louis asked cautiously and hated himself for asking but he had to know. He didn’t want to think of what would happen if Harry says it was.

“Of course not!” Harry exclaimed before he asked furrowingly. “Unless, you want it to be. Just one night.” Harry gulped and looked worried when he said the last words.

“No, no! I just thought if you wanted it to be. You could tell me now.” Louis turned away avoiding looking at Harry.

“Hey, Lou. Look at me, please.” Harry said in a soft voice and fingers carefully pressing Louis’ chin forcing him to twist his head. When their eyes met, Harry spoke again.

“I don’t know where you got the idea that this is a one night stand for me. Because it is not. Not even close. This is something I have dreamt about for so long. And this is  _ you _ who we are talking about. I want to kiss you, I want to hold your hand, I want to date you. Please Lou, when we go back to New York, can I take you on a date? A proper one. Please.” Harry said and Louis wanted to believe every word.

“Yeah, I’d like that. Very much.” Louis pulled Harry closer and kissed him. Because he could.

“Thank you. I definitely will do that.” Harry smiled. “But now, my darling. We are quite gross and we need a shower. And after that, we need breakfast, because I’m starving.” Harry said and pulled Louis out of the bed laughing.

Kissing under the rain shower, washing each other and then later having breakfast in bed was everything Louis wanted that morning. After they had finished eating there was more snogging. All nice and lazy.

“I want to go to the London Eye.” Harry suddenly shouted and jumped out of bed.

”The London Eye? Really?” Louis asked. ”Isn’t it quite... touristy?”

”Maybe it is. But I have never been there and I want to  _ gooo _ .” Harry said with a pout.

”If I say no, are you going to stomp your feet on the ground and scream?” Louis laughed. ”Because you remind me of my baby brother with that expression on your face. May I add, he is four.”

”I don’t.” Harry said pouting even more. Louis reached to take his phone and snapped a photo.

”Really…?” Louis cocked his eyebrow and browsed his phone to find a certain photo Lottie had sent him a couple of weeks earlier. ”Hahaa. Found it! May I show you exhibit one: Ernie.” Louis stuck his phone in front of Harry’s face.

“And then exhibit two: Harry. Right here.” Louis showed him the picture he just took and smirked to Harry who had difficulties keeping his face straight.

“But the weather is beautiful and it’s close to here. The view is supposed to be good.” Harry ignored Louis and turned to look out of the window, shoulders suspiciously jiggling.

“Nice change of subject, Styles.” Louis said swinging himself out of the bed too. He went to stand behind Harry, wrapped his arms around his narrow waist and rested his head against his shoulder blade. “But, yes. We can go, if you want to.”

Harry turned around, dimples popped as he hugged Louis before kissing him.

“Or we can just stay here— “ Louis murmured when the kiss began blazing again.

“Nice try, but we are going.” Harry grinned, mirth in his eyes when they eventually broke the kiss.

“But when we come back— ” Harry whispered in Louis’ ear, his husky voice sending chills down Louis’ spine before he let him go without even finishing his sentence.

_ Bastard. _

*

Harry had been right about the weather, Louis must admit, when they were walking towards the South Bank a half hour later. It was beautiful, the sky was clear and the sun was already warming their faces nicely. When they had left the hotel, Harry had intertwined their hands and Louis had let him. Perhaps he shouldn’t because he was still very much in the closet, but at the same time it felt too good not to.

This was the first time he’d ever held hands in public with someone he actually cared about and Louis was thrilled. However, he decided not to tell Harry that, worried that he might freak out if he knew and would refuse to continue their hand holding. He would tell him later.

He would definitely be too nervous to initiate the PDA. Not so much about being spotted and recognised, but more about how people would react in general to two men walking hand in hand. But so far, everything was good.

It wasn’t more than a fifteen minute walk from the hotel to the ferris wheel. Louis had bought them tickets online and they joined the fast track line. Adding to the tourist effect, Harry had his camera hanging on his neck and he kept snapping photos all the time. Mainly of Louis.

The line was moving pretty quick and soon they were guided into the huge capsule with a dozen other people. Even though Louis had been apprehensive, it was actually quite nice to see London from this perspective, and doing it with Harry was the best part. The whole time they were standing, Louis rested his back against Harry’s chest and Harry’s other arm was curled around Louis’ waist. The other hand was taking photos with the camera propped on Louis’ shoulder and turning them in unison in whichever direction he wanted to photograph. It was comfy and Louis almost felt disappointed when the ride ended. 

Afterwards, they walked around aimlessly and after a while their feet became sore so they found a cozy little pub and stepped inside to have lunch. There was a booth available tucked away in the corner and they sat there browsing the menu.

”What do you think?” Louis asked, eyeing the short menu.

”Maybe the Sunday Roast?” Harry shrugged, watching Louis’ reaction to his suggestion.

”Yeah, I was thinking the same. It’s Sunday anyway, innit.” Louis grinned placing the laminated menu back on the rack.

”Ok, I’ll go put in the order.” Harry said standing up. ”Want a pint, too?”

”Yeah, thanks, love.” Louis said and Harry made his way to the counter. While waiting for him to come back, Louis pulled out his phone and checked his messages. There were a few from Lottie asking how last night went and a couple from Zayn who might have sent a panicked message or two yesterday. He was still scrolling through them when Harry came back carrying their drinks.

“Should I feel guilty that I spent this day with you and not with my very nosy little sister, since I’m leaving the country tomorrow and have no idea when I’ll be back?” Louis asked, looking up from his phone.

“Look, I think we deserve to have one day for ourselves, too. Don’t you think?” Harry said and reached out to touch Louis’ hand lightly, making his heart flutter. Would his body always react like this from now on? His heart made little extra flips whenever Harry was near. 

Louis nodded.

“And I assume this time you are not going to take a year to come back?” Harry asked, eyes following Louis.

“No.” Louis shook his head. “This first time was the worst and I did it. And definitely, I’ll visit more often from now on. And I suppose I could always fly her over to New York to see me later this summer” Louis answered and unlocked his phone again. “I’ll just text her briefly. I’m sure she’ll understand. Not that she even asked to see us today, but she understands why I want to spend time with you.”

“You told her about us?” Harry smiled.

“We might have talked about you quite a lot on Friday evening when I was staying with her. So yeah, she knows how I feel about you.” Louis said, blushing. “And then yesterday she saw us leaving together and put 2 + 2 together.”

“I know. My phone is filled up with messages from Gemma and Nick too. And Niall of course.” Harry pulled out his phone but didn’t open it.

“I saw you talking to them at the party. Were you talking about me? I saw them glancing towards me from time to time as you talked.” Louis was curious to know.

“Yeah. Like I said to you earlier, Nick confronted me about our behaviour and I told him about the incident that happened in the hotel.” Harry looked ashamed when he had to mention his running away again.

“Don’t start that again, Harry. We discussed it, it’s fine. Just forget it, please. I have.” Louis said, squeezing his hand reassuringly.

“Ok. Yeah. Anyway, I told him about it and we talked. He asked if I got scared because I have feelings for you. I asked how he could tell and he told me I might as well work for the Department of the Bleeding Obvious, and seeing us together confirmed it.” Harry told him, still talking to their hands.

“And then he said that he was certain you had feelings for me too. Saying you were trying to make me jealous by dancing with that guy.” Harry said looking coyly at Louis.

“I hate to admit, but Nick was right. I was trying to make you jealous.” Louis confessed.

“Why?”

“Why did I try to make you jealous?” Louis made sure and Harry nodded.

“Because, I was so jealous of you spending time with Nick and you two looked so cosy and close.” Louis admitted with reddening cheeks.

“Nick?” Harry laughed. “But we’re just friends. There is nothing to be jealous over.”

“But I didn’t know that, did I?” Louis answered, shaking his head.

“No, nothing has ever happened between me and Nick. It’s like when I was jealous over Zayn.” Harry smiled.

“Umm.” Louis sounded and bit his lip, keeping his eyes on the table.

“Louis.” Harry’s eyes narrowed. “Has something happened between you and Zayn?”

“When we were younger we might have kissed a couple of times when we were drunk but that’s it. We’re just friends. We have always been just friends.” Louis sighed, raising his gaze again.

“Have you ever slept with him?” Harry asked next, his eyes still dark.

“Harry no, I haven’t slept with him. I have snogged him a couple of times over ten years ago. There isn’t and there won’t be anything other than a friendship between us. Could you just drop it, now? There’s no reason to be jealous.” Now it was Louis who forced Harry to look him into his eyes when he spoke to him. “Seriously.”

“Ok.” Harry sighed eventually. “But just so you know, yesterday you managed to make me jealous.”

“And that’s why you made your feelings known?” Louis wanted to know.

“Partly, maybe. But Nick pushed me to do something about us. And then Gemma came a few moments later and said the same thing.” Harry said, running his fingers through his hair.

“But you left, I saw you. Where did you go?”

“I went out for a moment. I needed to calm down, so I was just standing outside for a while and trying to collect myself. Then I called a cab and came to get you.” Harry grinned for the last words.

“Oh, confident were you. What if I had said no?” Louis smirked.

“To be honest. At that point, I never even thought about it.” Harry said, sounding slightly surprised.

“You were right. I would never say no to you, Harry. Never.” Louis said locking their eyes.

“You wouldn’t?” Harry smiled happily, dimples popping out wildly.

“I wouldn’t.” Louis repeated. They kept staring at each other until the waitress brought their meals.

They ate, chatting about the previous night in general and afterwards they had one more pint before they left back for the hotel.

“What more do you need than pub lunch and cheap beer on Sunday?” Louis sighed happily when they were walking along the Thames hand in hand.

“Ice cream.” Harry grinned immediately. “I need ice cream.”

“Fine, we’ll get you a bloody ice cream. You big baby.” Louis smiled fondly.

They found a stand near the hotel and ate their ice creams sitting on the bench outside before going back in.

The lift bell rang and when they entered the elevator the air suddenly got more tense than it was just a minute ago.

”I want to give you a blowjob.” Harry whispered in Louis’ ear, watching him simultaneously in the lift mirror. His hot breath made Louis shiver.

”Ok.” Louis swallowed thickly, without breaking their gaze. Harry pulled Louis closer against his chest and started to kiss the back of his neck slowly, lips still cold from the ice cream he had earlier.

Harry was already getting hard and Louis could feel him pressing against his arse. When the lift doors opened, Harry didn’t let go, he just continued kissing while they made their way to the room.

Once in the room, he walked them to the bed before he turned Louis around. When they stood face to face, Harry cupped Louis' cheeks and pulled him into a long lingering kiss. He took his time exploring Louis’ mouth with his tongue and gently coaxing Louis to follow suit. 

Their two previous times had both been quick and hasty, but this time Harry seemed to have the complete opposite plan. His hands were travelling all over Louis’ upper body, feeling and touching, making his skin tingle with pleasure.

Harry hugged Louis tight and plopped them both on the bed making them laugh at the sudden movement. Harry swung them around one more time so they were now laying in the middle of the bed, Louis on his back, Harry on all fours on top of him, both legs either side of Louis and hands pressed in the mattress next to Louis’ head. Harry leaned in to kiss him again, tongue trailing Louis’ lips before slipping back inside his hot mouth.

They kissed for a while before Harry leaned back, now sitting on top of Louis, wiggling himself further down. Then he leaned down again pressing kisses on Louis’ lower belly before slipping his fingers under the waistband of his jeans and felt the smooth skin underneath. He fiddled with the button and the zipper on Louis’ jeans before pulling them down and off.

Louis wasn’t able to touch Harry properly anymore. Instead he let his hands rest on his tummy. Harry’s hands roamed under his t-shirt but Louis didn’t move his.

“Can I take this off, too?” Harry asked, referring to his t-shirt.

_ Would he be disappointed if I wanted to keep it on _ , Louis thought, feeling the blush start to creep in as Harry’s eyes observed his face.

“You want to keep it on?” He asked softly and Louis nodded embarrassed.

“Ok, we can leave it.” Harry said soothingly and leant in to kiss Louis’ lips briefly.

Louis closed his eyes for a moment feeling relieved. It was stupid and he knew it. Last night had been dark and this morning there had been a sheet covering that bit of his stomach. But now he was laying on the bed without any covers and he felt too exposed. He hated being so insecure, but he just couldn’t help it. Not even with Harry.

Or was it especially with Harry? Louis couldn't help comparing his own body to Harry’s. Harry was so toned and perfect in every possible way and he was just, well not so. Harry hadn’t said anything, but Louis knew he was too polite to do so anyway. Louis closed his eyes trying to block out the voices inside his head and concentrate on Harry’s roaming hands and his soft lips instead. All the things that made him feel good. How good Harry made him feel.

"Is this ok?” Harry asked when he rolled the t-shirt a little higher on Louis’ waist. Louis nodded again and Harry planted a few kisses on his belly. Then one long one on his lips which Louis answered eagerly. He just wanted Harry so much. His own thoughts started to fade into the background as the want was taking over. 

“I want to take your pants off now.” Harry muttered into Louis’ mouth.

“Then you should take them off.” Louis whispered back.

Harry broke the kiss and hoisted himself up again. He let his fingers linger over Louis’ body and when they reached the waistband, he dragged them down with one sharp move releasing Louis’ hard cock.

“You are so beautiful, Lou.” Harry breathed, admiration in his eyes as he kissed the tip of his cock lightly. He circled his fingertips around Louis’ belly button then letting the narrow line of dark hair lead the way down. When they found base he followed the outline until the tip before wrapping his fist around Louis’ hard-on, making him moan quietly.

No matter how much Louis loved all those butterfly light touches Harry had given him, he needed more friction. He was already hard and he needed to be touched.

“Harry, please—“ He whined asking Harry to give him what he needed.

And Harry did. He pulled his hand down exposing the pink tip and took the head into his mouth, sucking it lightly a few times. He placed his hands on Louis’ hips and took him all the way down, causing Louis to groan loudly.

Louis wanted to thrust up but Harry’s strong hands were keeping him flat against the mattress, not allowing him to move. Harry was moving fast, bobbing his head, and rolling his tongue around Louis’ dick until he finally took it in so deep that the head was touching the back of Harry’s throat.

Louis let out a guttural moan. It felt so good.

Harry pulled off slightly, cock still in his mouth and started to suck. He let his hands move around to grasp Louis’ cheeks and spread them.

_ God, yes. Touch me _ . Louis didn’t know if he said it aloud but he felt Harry’s finger hovering over his hole.

“Can I finger you?” Harry asked like he didn’t see Louis wiggling under his touch trying to get contact with his hole.

“Please—“ Louis moaned.

“Ok. Wait here, I’ll get the lube.” Harry said and jumped out of bed.

Louis covered his eyes with his forearm, trying to ignore his throbbing cock. Soon enough, he felt the mattress dip and Harry was back. He had taken his clothes off and was now naked and very hard. He was stunning.

Harry took a pillow and placed it under Louis’ lower back.

“Can you bend your legs for me, please?” Harry asked in a low tone. Louis did and Harry set himself between them.

Louis heard the click as the bottle was opened. Harry poured some on his fingers and warmed it by rubbing it between them. Then he circled his index finger on Louis’ entrance before pressing in slightly.

“This is ok?” Harry asked.

“Yes. I want it inside—” Louis panted and Harry nudged the tip of the first digit in slowly, making Louis gasp. It had been a while since he’d last been fingered.

Harry let him adjust and when Louis started to move again he pushed the whole finger slowly in, making small circling movements stretching him open. When his finger eventually brushed over the sensitive bundle of nerves there, Louis’ legs jolted and he cried out.

“There, there. Do it again.” Louis panted and Harry moved his finger up and down a few times letting it touch his spot.

Harry pulled out for a second only to add another finger in next to the first one. Louis grabbed the sheets breathing heavily as Harry rolled his fingers in an attempt to find his prostate again.

“Lou, can I try something? If you want me to stop, just tell me.” Harry asked after a while keeping his eyes intensively on Louis’ eyes.

“Yeah.” Louis swallowed hard. At that moment Harry could do anything he wanted, Louis felt too blissed out to object.

Harry pulled his fingers out and grabbed the back of Louis’ knees, pushing to spread them more. He lowered down and kissed the sensitive skin of his thighs leaving a small mark. Then Harry flattened his hot tongue on Louis’ entrance tentatively asking for entry.

“Yes, yes—“ Louis panted and reached Harry’s head to pull it closer, increasing the effect of his words. The tug on his hair made Harry groan lowly.

Harry pushed his tongue in and Louis had to press against the base of his dick to stop him from coming too soon.

“No hands. Put them behind your knees.” Harry commanded and Louis obeyed. He hadn’t known how hot it was to take orders from someone. Or maybe it was just Harry’s effect. Either way, Louis didn’t have time to think about that right now. Not when Harry’s tongue was exploring and pushing through his rim, making Louis’ moan louder and louder as the tip of his tongue attempted to brush against sensitive walls just past the ring of muscle. He was already so close and Harry had only just begun.

He wasn’t going to last much longer.

“I’m close—“ Louis gasped when he felt the familiar feeling building in his belly.

Harry didn’t listen. His tongue continued moving and kept pushing Louis closer and closer to the edge. Moans faded into pants, and Louis was only breathing heavily now. When Harry felt him starting to stiffen, he pushed a finger deep in next to his tongue. A few well aimed thrusts hitting just the right spot and Louis exploded with a sharp shout escaping his mouth.

He was seeing stars and his whole body was shaking. His muscles were clenching around Harry’s finger. Somewhere in the distance he could hear voices followed by rapid jerking followed by loud moans as Harry was coming too.

Both still heavily breathing, they tangled around each other. Eyes all hazy, Harry planted small kisses on Louis’ cheeks and held him tight. Louis cupped his face and pressed his lips to Harry’s, eliciting a surprised sound.

He wasn't the only one who was surprised. Knowing where his mouth had just been, it should have been gross but somehow Louis didn’t even think about that. All he wanted was to be near Harry and touch and kiss him. Forget everything bad that had ever happened.

Happiness was bubbling inside, making him think of how good it would feel if he got a second chance, if he could somehow get a new start.

If he could finally be free.

  
  



	13. Chapter 13

[ Elvis Presley - Can't Help Falling In Love ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vGJTaP6anOU)

Harry

June, 2017

Harry had just emerged from the shower after a long day at work when he heard the doorbell chime. He walked towards the door trying to remember if someone had said they would visit, but couldn’t recall any. Still drying his hair, he opened the door only to notice there was no one behind it. Furrowing his brows lightly, he stepped out onto the hallway to get a better look, but no. Still empty. 

Weird, Harry thought. He was just about to close the door when he saw a long narrow box sitting next to the wall, his name written on a little card on top of it. Harry picked it up and went back inside eyeing it curiously. It was light and it tied with a red ribbon in the middle. Harry sat down on the couch and placed it on the table carefully. Blue padded around next to it and sniffed it briefly.

“Should we open it?” Harry asked her and scratched her behind the ear making her push herself against his hand, purring lowly.

He already had a good idea of whom it might be from, but it still made him nervous. With trembling fingers he started peeling off the ribbon and opened the box. A single dark red rose was laying on silk paper and Harry felt his eyes already start to brim with tears. He lifted the flower to his nose and sniffed it dreamily, eyes closed letting the sweet fragrance fill his mind. Harry swallowed thickly when he saw a small card in the box. He picked it up slowly and read it.

**Happy one month anniversary, love.**

**Some things are just meant to be.**

**Always yours,**

**Louis**

**P.s. Be ready on Friday at 7pm to be picked up for a belated anniversary date.**

If Harry had been on the verge of tears earlier, now he was utterly weeping. He was just so happy. Louis had remembered! Not that he had had any doubts about it, but still. Harry reached for his phone, drying his eyes with the back of his hand and sent a quick text to Louis knowing he couldn’t answer calls now.

**Got your lovely rose. I wish it was already Friday. Happy anniversary! Miss you!**

Harry had left his own gift, a small basket of hand made cookies with a card, for Zayn to leave it somewhere Louis would find it today. This was one of those weeks they wouldn’t be seeing each other much, both having such busy schedules. Somehow Harry liked the idea now because it made their upcoming date feel more special with that aspect too. Otherwise, this week just sucked.

He still couldn’t believe they had been together already for a month. The past weeks had been some of the best weeks he’d ever had, but at the same time there was a big black cloud looming in the background. But for now, Harry just wanted to push it away. He was trying to focus on the happy side of his life. He closed his eyes and let his mind wander back to their first date exactly one month ago.

*

It had been the Saturday after they had arrived back from London. Harry had googled numerous restaurants in New York to find the perfect one for their date. Once he spotted this small bistro in the East Village, Harry knew he had found what he had been looking for. He had visited the restaurant to make a reservation only to make sure to get the exact table he wanted. His boy deserves only the best. Well, Louis technically wasn’t his boy yet, but after their date he hopefully would be.

Harry had picked Louis up from home, bringing him a single sunflower because it had reminded him of Louis. Bright and sunny, just like the older man was.

Louis had looked amazing that night. He had been wearing a white t-shirt underneath a black blazer with black jeans rolled at the hem, showing off his delicate ankles. He had Brogue dress shoes on and his hair was styled in a quiff instead of his usual fringe.

“You look stunning!” Harry had breathed out, making Louis blush. He had pressed a kiss on his cheek and handed him the flower saying “A sunflower for a sun.”

“Thank you.” Louis had smiled shyly as he took the bold yellow flower from Harry and put it in some water before they had taken a cab to the restaurant.

Fifteen minutes later they were outside the bistro and Harry reached for Louis’ hand as they walked inside. The restaurant was relatively small and intimate, just like Harry had wanted it to be. The walls were built from reddish brown bricks and the floor was a dark wood. The tables and chairs were all mismatched, creating an original atmosphere. It was getting darker outside and the candles inside were already flickering, making the space feel even more romantic.

Harry had given his name to the Maitre’d and a waitress had guided them to their table.

“Oh, Harry! This is amazing!” Louis had whispered delightedly and squeezed Harry’s hand.

Harry couldn’t disagree. Their table was actually a private booth, but instead of having benches on both sides of the table this one had them at an L-shape. They were padded and covered with pillows allowing you to curl up with your date. Their table was located in a dim corner, but the candles were glowing on the table giving it the right amount of ambiance. 

Harry let Louis slide in first on the bench and then followed his lead. The waitress gave them menus, poured water in the glasses and left saying she would be back soon. Everything looked delicious and they took some time to go through the menu. Harry ended up having a steak, and Louis a blue cheese and pancetta burger, and they decided to share a starter and dessert.

“Do you like red wine? Or would you like a beer instead?” Harry asked, eyeing the wine list. 

“I’m up for some wine. I don’t usually drink much of it, but I think in a place like this, you have to have a glass of wine, just to top it all off.” Louis nodded smiling.

“Mind if I order a bottle for us?” Harry asked and Louis agreed when the waitress came to take their orders.

“This place is so lovely! How did you find this?” Louis asked, eyes still roaming over the restaurant as he sipped from the glass of wine the waitress had poured for them a few moments earlier.

“I googled.” Harry grinned. “I’ve never really needed to find a romantic restaurant here before, so I had no idea where to go. But then I saw this and it looked really nice. The sort of place I’d want to go on a first date with a lovely man.”

“Do you know this is actually my first date publicly since I became famous? I don’t count my fake dates with Eleanor as dates.” Louis had confessed, horrifying Harry.

“Jesus! I didn’t even think about that at all. And now we are sitting here where everyone can see us. We can go somewhere else if you want to.” Harry was slightly panicking now. He really never thinks ahead enough and he was definitely a master at screwing things up when it comes to a certain Louis Tomlinson. Starting from day one.

“Haz, calm down. Please.” Louis said taking his hand and caressing Harry’s knuckles with his thumb. “I want to be here with you. Right here, right now. There is no other place I would prefer to be. Or anyone I’d rather be with.”

“Really?” Harry had asked, worry still visible in his eyes.

“Yeah, really. I don’t want to hide my beautiful boyfriend.” Louis said and widened his eyes when he realised what he’d just said.

“Boyfriend—?” Harry had repeated, knowing he was beaming from ear to ear. Like what else could he do? Louis had just called him his boyfriend!

“Well, if you want…?” Louis looked at him shyly under his lashes, a pink hue spreading on his cheeks.

“Of course, I want that. I was going to ask you tonight, actually.” Harry said, his dimples unable to stay hidden. 

“So, we’re boyfriends?” Louis smiled so beautifully that it made Harry’s heart swell with all the love inside, it almost hurt.

“We are boyfriends.” Harry confirmed.

“Can I kiss my boyfriend then?” Louis asked and without waiting for an answer he cupped Harry’s jaw lightly and pressed his lips on Harry’s.

Harry didn’t cry. 

He lied, tears welling up in his eyes. And when he looked at Louis, he wasn’t faring any better. They laughed and salty tears were mixing into their kisses. They didn’t break apart until the waitress coughed lightly next to the table as she brought their French Onion Soup.

“Wait, I want to do it!” Harry exclaimed when Louis was about to pick up a spoon. 

“Do what?” Louis wondered furrowing his eyebrows.

“Feed you...?” Maybe Harry was a little bit sappy, wanting to try romantic clichés now when he had a chance, but no one could blame him for that.

“Oh my God.” Louis rolled his eyes but opened his mouth anyway as the spoonful of soup approached him.

“Isn’t this a bit cheesy?” Louis grinned when there was a long string of cheese dangling from the fork as Harry tried to pull it off of.

Harry just lost it. And by losing it, he meant barking his embarrassing hyena laugh. He just couldn’t help it. 

“Oh my God. My boyfriend has such a bad sense of humour.” Louis deadpanned.

“But you said it, not me.” Harry said, still snickering.

“I never said it was good. Or even funny.” Louis smirked, rubbing circles into his temples with his fingertips, trying to look frustrated without any success.

“Say it again.” Harry demanded.

“Say what? You have a bad sense of humour.” Louis teased and Harry pouted.

“Alright, alright.  _ My boyfriend _ has a terrible sense of humour.” Louis said, watching the dimples pop out on Harry’s cheeks as he smiled so widely.

“I want to kiss  _ my boyfriend _ now.” Harry said and leaned closer to taste those sweet, red lips again.

“I think she recognises you.” Harry said pointing to the waitress who was retreating after having collected the bowls they had emptied moments earlier.

“Yeah, she might’ve. She had that look on her face.” Louis admitted.

“Does it bother you? Them seeing you kissing a boy on a date? When you’re not even out?” Harry started to feel panic arise again. He really should try to calm his nerves and trust that Louis would tell him if something was bothering him. But it wasn’t always so easy. 

“It doesn’t bother me. It’s a little weird to kiss you publicly, I must admit, but it feels good.” Louis said smiling. “And I talked to Liam this week about us.”

“You did? What did you talk about?” Harry asked in surprise.

“I said to him that we are together now. I know I was jumping the gun a little with that, but I thought you wanted it too. Us being together.” Louis observerved Harry’s face, waiting for him to confirm his thoughts. Harry nodded as a lovely warm feeling filled his chest.

“And I am serious with you. I said that to him too.” Harry watched Louis’ blushing and pressed a kiss on his lips again.

“I’m serious with you, too. Just you to know.” Harry whispered smiling, and happiness was visible on Louis’ face.

“You are?” Louis breathed like he couldn’t believe it.

“I am.” Harry said and kissed him. Again. Long and tenderly this time. They were really sappy, he knew. But he just couldn’t hold it in anymore. Not when he was allowed to touch Louis.

“Good.” Louis said.

“Good” Harry answered and they just stared at each other with dopey smiles on their faces until the waitress served their entrees. They ate in silence for a while before Louis spoke again.

“I also asked Liam about the publicity, saying I didn’t want to hide anymore.” Louis looked at him from under his lashes.

“Oh. What did he say?” Harry asked, nervousness tingling in his back. This was a big thing. Huge actually. 

“He said, then you shouldn’t.” Louis smiled cautiously.

“Really? But that's good news then, isn’t it?“ Harry asked, sipping his wine and looking at Louis over the brim of his glass.

“Yeah, it just feels weird how simply he said yes when I was asking him about me coming out.” Louis shrugged looking thoughtful.

“That’s what you want? To come out?” Harry asked. Their topics weren’t necessarily the usual first date material. Not even close.

“Yeah, even if it feels terrifying. But when I think about us here on a date and kissing or us walking hand in hand in London—“

“I didn’t even realise that!” Harry yelled, hands shoved in front of his mouth. “I just took your hand. Why didn’t you say anything?” Harry slapped Louis’ arm lightly. 

“This is exactly the reason why I didn’t. Knowing how you would have reacted. I liked it and I wanted to do it. I want to do it in the future too.” Louis said taking Harry’s hand in his own and letting his thumb caress the back of Harry’s hand.

“Have you ever considered coming out before?” Harry asked, stealing a chip from Louis’ plate.

“Oi! You thief!” Louis called out and pulled his plate further from Harry’s reach.

“You are so selfish.” Harry announced, trying to keep his expression flat, without succeeding.

“I am.” Louis grinned and then continued in a more serious tone. “But to answer your question, yes I have. I was in a relationship then, in a committed one, or so I believed. Of course, later it would prove I was the only one who thought that way.” There was a hint of bitterness in Louis’ voice and it made Harry’s stomach turn and not in a good way. He shouldn’t be jealous of some anonymous ex-boyfriend.

“Babe, don’t be jealous. There is no reason to be. It’s all in the past.” Louis said as if he was reading his mind. He really was too easy to read, Harry thought as he cut a piece from his steak and shoved it into his mouth. He chewed it carefully before swallowing, buying some time for himself.

“I know, I just can’t help it sometimes. Sorry.” Harry sighed.

“Everyone is jealous sometimes, but in this case, it is totally unnecessary. He is my past, you are my present.” Louis said softly and pulled Harry into a brief kiss.

“You wanted to come out back then?” Harry reminded him of the question that was still in the air.

“Yeah. I don’t know if I wanted to do it because of him or because I needed to get out of the whole situation. Either way, it didn’t matter because my management laughed in my face when I asked about it.” Louis winced at the unpleasant memory.

“And now... why do you want to do it now?” Harry asked, his gaze following Louis.

“Because I want to be free.” Louis said without hesitation.

“So, you’re not doing it for me?” Harry made sure.

“No, Harry. I’m doing it for myself.” Louis said firmly.

“Good. Because that is the only reason why you should do it. For yourself.” Harry agreed nodding.

“I know. I would be lying if I said you didn’t have anything to do with it. But you are not the main reason. I think you are more like a factor that gives me enough strength to do it.” Louis explained, taking a bite of his burger.

“Did Liam give you any advice on how you should behave from now on then?” Harry asked next.

“Not really. I told him I want to do it as naturally as possible. If someone sees us then let them see. But I’m not keen on making a fuss on social media by posting photos of us or anything. Or doing any pap-walks to give the press some material.” Louis repeated his conversation with Liam to Harry.

“When we went to LA, we also met with some PR people. Liam had been in contact with them later and they seem good. There is still damage control to be done but it will be planned for closer to the premiere when there will be some promo for the musical anyway. But not yet. And you can always choose how much or little you want to be in public. If at all.” Louis said, observing Harry’s face carefully.

“Thank you.” Harry nodded. This would definitely affect him too, but he didn’t want to think about it now. They’d have time to do it later.

“And can we now talk about something not so serious? Like what is your favourite colour or what you do for living? Something you normally talk about on a first date?” Louis grinned.

“Or because we already know the answers to those, we could just skip them and go straight to the kissing part? How’s that sound?” Harry dimpled.

“Hmmm...I knew there was a reason why I’m with you. Sometimes you’re a very wise young man, Harold!” Louis said and captured Harry into a long kiss.

Their cab ride back to Louis’ was filled with palpable tension, the type that could only be cut in the privacy of four walls.

Louis paid the driver and got out of the cab, taking Harry’s hand into his as he helped him out and they walked up the steps to his Brownstone.

Once inside, Louis had pressed him up against the door and whispered hotly into his ear, “Wanna take my time with you, explore all of you. Is that okay, love?”, to which Harry could only moan in response. 

They fumbled their way up the stairs, never breaking their lips apart despite Harry tripping on the stairs. Twice.

“Gotta be more careful, love, don’t want you breaking your neck before I’ve had the chance to fuck you good and proper, hmm?”

Harry couldn’t form the words circling around his mind, managing to whimper instead and nod his head ‘yes’ emphatically.

After what felt like eons to actually make it into the bedroom, they both undressed while kissing, taking one short break to remove their shirts before resuming heated licks into each other’s mouths. 

Louis walked him backwards until the backs of his knees hit the mattress and he fell back onto the softness of the duvet. Harry shimmied himself up the bed and spread his legs salaciously, offering his body to Louis to do with it as he pleased.

Louis caged his limbs around Harry, hovering over him and staring intensely into his eyes, after a moment he ground his cock down onto Harry’s, causing him to thrust up to chase the feeling.

“I’ve waited so long for this Lou.” Harry confessed while Louis mapped kisses down his neck and chest, stopping briefly to nip, suck and twist each nipple until Harry was a writhing, squirming mess. Harry pulled his knees up to his chest and held them in place, before begging “Please Lou, please, want to feel you inside.” 

“Oh love, you can have everything you want but first I have to open you up, I don’t want to hurt my baby.” Louis preached and Harry moaned, humping the air in a failed attempt to find friction.

After retrieving the lube and condoms, Louis leant down and bobbed on his cock with wet, sloppy sucks, just to give Harry a bit of reprieve while he tore the condom package open and poured the lube onto his fingers before plunging his pinky into Harry’s hole, testing the resistance before switching to his middle finger. Harry was so full of lust that he automatically began to grind down on his finger, searching for  _ moremoremore _ . Louis read his cue and slid his index finger alongside the other and pumped them in fast and hard. Harry’s panting picked up and so did his gyrating, Louis added his ring finger in and began twisting and scissoring his fingers with the same veracity as Harry’s hips as they circled and chased his fingers.

All Harry could do was beg, “Louis, please, now, Lou.”

“Yeah, love, you’ve waited long enough, haven’t you baby? You’re ready.”

Ready? Harry felt like he was going to implode from the sheer pressure against his hole from having what felt like Louis’ hole fist in there. 

Yeah, he was ready.

Within seconds Louis’ hand had been replaced by his cock, slowly and steadily pushing inside. Harry wrapped his legs high around Louis’ back and wrapped his arms around his neck, bringing their bodies together as much as he could.

Louis grunted and pulled out after a few seconds, leaving Harry bewildered. “Doesn’t it feel good Lou?” Harry propped himself up on his forearms, and began to feel panic rise in his chest.

“Baby, no, shit. It’s perfect. I almost came from how deep I was inside you, it felt fucking amazing. I just need a minute. Gonna think about me Nan for a sec.” 

Harry burst out laughing, “Lou, no don’t do that, cuz then I’m gonna think about mine!”

They both giggled uncontrollably for a few seconds and then Louis leaned down to suck forcefully on his nipples bringing Harry right back into the present. Moaning. Writhing. Pulling on the short hairs at Louis’ nape. He began bucking his hips up into Louis and chanting, “Back inside me Lou, now, I need it.”

With the image of his Nan now long gone, Harry grabbed onto Louis’ arse cheeks and tried his best to force Louis’ cock back inside of him.

Louis grabbed a hold of his cock and guided it back into the tight warmth of his hole as they both moaned with relief.

Harry laid there, arms and legs splayed out just allowing himself to be fucked into oblivion. After a few minutes like that he felt Louis’ hands grasp around his hips and turn him over chest down and knees up so he could pound his cock in and out with reckless abandon.

Harry felt himself being pushed up the bed with every thrust until his head hit the headboard and he swiftly brought his hands up to shield the impending concussion Louis would have unknowingly caused.

With his hands now in place, he was able to fuck back down on Louis’ cock, which undoubtedly caused them both to cry out in ecstasy.

“Fuck Haz, that feels so fucking good, fuck.” He seethed out before asking, “Are you close?”

“Mmmhmmm” was all he could utter.

Louis changed his angle slightly and Harry could now feel the head of his cock rubbing against his prostate with every thrust. “There, Lou, there, stay there.” 

Louis got the memo because he steadied himself before reaching around and tugging on his balls a few times then circling his hand around the top half of Harry’s cock and alternated between twisting and jerking him off roughly.

Harry didn’t have time to process anything more as he slammed his face down into the pillow and bit it as he screamed and came all over the sheets below and over Louis’ hand.

Louis placed both hands firmly around Harry’s waist as he pumped three times before slamming into Harry’s arse and grinding his hips around unevenly chasing his own release before coming long and hot into the now-loose warmth of Harry’s hole. Louis pulled out and carefully turned Harry over to kiss him on the mouth and whispered, “You are so unbelievable, d’ya know that? I can’t believe I get to do this.”

Harry crashed his lips into Louis’, mind still fuzzy from the afterglow.

“ _ We _ , Lou. We get to do this, because now we’ve discussed it, and the feeling’s mutual.”

  
  


*

Harry opened his eyes brushing Blue’s head with his thumb. That night had been hot, but also fluffy and overly sweet, just like a perfect first date with the man he was crazy about should have been. Yet Harry was happy they talked about the other stuff too. Obviously, it wouldn’t be as simple as Louis made it sound and there would be a lot of hard work behind the scenes by Liam and his new PR team. But they had given Louis the green light and it was definitely a giant step forward.

_ One month, _ Harry thought again.

It was strange how little their life had changed since they became official and simultaneously, how everything had turned upside down. They were still the best of friends. It was just so easy and natural to be with Louis. They still did the same things as before but now there were also touches, kisses, gazes – things he used to only dream about. When he was in an optimistic mood, he was certain there was love too.

But still there were things that confused Harry. The main one being how insecure Louis seemed to be in bed from time to time. It really wasn’t something Harry would have ever expected. Louis was usually so bright and brave, like a natural leader in their relationship, if you had to name one. But their roles in the bedroom were total opposites to how they were in their everyday lives. Louis was shy and didn’t seem to trust himself, waiting for Harry to take the lead most of the time. It wasn’t all bad, but it certainly felt weird sometimes. 

Louis was gorgeous and his body was amazing, every curve was in just the right place, but still being naked when they had sex was definitely an issue for him. Like in London, he always wanted to wear a t-shirt, even if most of the time it was rolled up to his armpits. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to show his upper body. They had been on the beach a couple of weeks ago and Louis had worn only his swimming shorts without any visible problems. And in London he had worn that sheer shirt that still managed to give Harry a boner anytime he thought about it.

No, it was something deeper, something he couldn’t reach. Harry knew he should have asked, but deep inside he sensed asking about it would make Louis nestle even deeper in his thoughts. So, Harry did what he could – tried to encourage him as much as possible. With kisses and touches on his body, complimenting him, trying to make him feel safe and comfortable. And during the weeks, Harry was delighted to see Louis had started to open up a little, not with words, but with his actions.

It was a start.

*

Friday didn’t come soon enough. Harry still had no idea where they were going because Louis had refused to tell him. The only concession he gave was telling him to wear whatever made him feel comfortable. How the hell did he think that was helpful at all? Afterwards Harry had stressed over what to wear even more.

Eventually he settled for wearing his trademark skinny jeans and floaty pink blouse with white polka dots. The fabric was thin and cool for a summer night but was it fancy enough for wherever they were going. Harry was pacing around the living room nervously, when the doorbell finally rang and he rushed to open it.

“Zayn! What are you doing here? Where’s Louis?” Harry asked in confusion and tried to peek behind the door to see if Louis was there.

“Louis sent me to pick you up. He’s waiting for you at the location.” Zayn explained and pulled out a scarf. “And now, I have to blindfold you. It’s an order.”

Still baffled, Harry let him.

“C’mon. Hold my arm and I’ll escort you downstairs. Loverboy is waiting.” Harry heard him smirking even though he couldn’t see his face anymore.

There was a car, apparently a cab, waiting for them on the street and Zayn guided Harry in. He didn’t say anything to the driver, but Harry felt the car start moving regardless. They drove perhaps twenty to twenty five minutes before the car pulled up. Zayn helped him out of the car and Harry was holding onto the crook of his arm again.

“Now, watch out. There are a few steps. We’ll take them slowly. Go one by one.” Zayn gave instructions. Harry heard a door to being opened and they stepped in somewhere.

There was a wonderful smell floating in the air and soft music playing in the background. Zayn walked him further in until he stopped and spoke. 

“I’m leaving now. Enjoy your evening.” Harry heard his receding steps and he was now standing blindfolded in some unknown place.

“You can take it off now.” Just hearing Louis' voice made Harry smile so widely it hurt his cheeks. He untied the scarf and let it fall off.

“Oh—“ Whatever Harry had expected, this definitely wasn’t it. Because now he was standing in the middle of Louis’ kitchen watching him standing in front of the stove and cooking.

It was like Harry’s teen dreams had come alive and he was sure Louis had chosen this outfit on purpose. He was wearing red trousers adorning his well-formed bum, a striped t-shirt and suspenders, looking just like he had years ago in the magazines Harry had drooled after him in. His hair looked so soft and his eyes were twinkling. And on top of all of this, he was wearing the same ‘Oh Deer’ apron he had always mocked.

Harry couldn’t breath. He just kept swallowing, trying to keep his tears at bay. He was such a crybaby nowadays. At least his tears were all happy tears.

“Surprise!” Louis said, walking towards Harry and pressing a kiss on his lips, brushing off the tears that stubbornly fell from the corner of his eye. 

“You’re cooking!” Harry breathed out. He still couldn’t believe it.

“I’m trying.” Louis smiled. “And now, as dinner is almost ready to be served, may I escort you to your table?”

“You bought a table?” Harry asked in surprise when Louis walked them to the living room. There stood a small table with two chairs around it that definitely wasn’t there before.

“Well, I couldn’t let us eat on the couch on our one-month anniversary, could I?” Louis shrugged.

“So, you bought a table?” Harry repeated.

“Yes, Harry.” Louis said like it was something to take for granted.

“But—“

“Alright. We can keep this going all night. Could you just sit down, please? I’ll go to get our dinner.” Louis said and rushed into the kitchen. From the noises coming from the kitchen he was getting the dish out of the oven and plating it. Soon after Harry heard him scooping something onto the plates. 

Harry scanned the table. There were two placemats set out with a fork and a knife placed on it. Wine glasses and a chilled bottle of white wine in the wine chiller. And a couple of haphazardly folded serviettes that actually looked quite out of place. It was perfect. Harry couldn’t stop smiling.

It didn’t take long for Louis to appear carrying the meals. He placed them on the table and poured wine in the glasses before sitting down.

“This is chicken stuffed with mozzarella wrapped in parma ham with a side of homemade mash.” Louis said proudly. “I made it all from the scratch.”

Harry cut a piece and tasted it.

“This is  _ really _ good!” Harry said and also meant it. It was without a doubt the most delicious meal he had ever had. So what if the chicken was slightly too dry or the mash was a bit lumpy, it didn’t matter. Louis had cooked it for him and it was the most romantic thing anyone had ever done for him.

After they had eaten they curled up on the couch and sank into each other’s arms, kissing and cuddling. When twilight had fallen, Louis pulled Harry up to standing and asked him to follow. They climbed upstairs and Louis led him out to the small terrace.

“Oh—“ Harry breathed out for another time that night, amazement in his eyes. Because above them, hung rows upon rows of crisscrossed string lights, blinking against the darkened sky.

“I wanted to give you the stars.” Louis said smiling bashfully and the tears were back in Harry’s eyes. This time he didn’t even try to hold them back. Louis pressed the ‘play’ button on the remote sitting on the table and music started to fill the air.

“Would you like to dance with me?” Louis asked, offering his hand and Harry just nodded taking it. They slow-danced in the warm summer night under their own starry sky and Harry thought he would never be happier.

But then Elvis started to sing ‘Can’t Help Falling In Love’ and Harry’s heart almost burst due to the overwhelming amount of the love he felt for the man in front of him. Their eyes locked and his feelings were reflected in Louis’ eyes too. Actual words weren’t said aloud, yet. There was still something holding them back. But just before pressing their lips together Louis whispered in a small voice “Yes.”

“Yes?” Harry whispered back and Louis nodded. “Me too.” 

And the smile that arose on Louis’ face could have easily lit all of New York, it was that bright. They kissed and Louis tasted like cigarettes and the chocolate mousse they had had for dessert. When the song ended, Louis held Harry’s hand and led him to the bedroom.

It felt different this time, passion was mixed with love. Harry opened Louis up slowly and was in awe when Louis had said he wanted to ride him. Harry had let him sink down onto his dick and Louis took some time to adjust to Harry’s cock before he bottomed out fully. After a moment, Louis rolled his hips tentatively, as if testing how the new position felt. When Louis had gathered up enough confidence he quickened his pace, lifting himself up and down, his thighs tensing the entire time. And when Louis voluntarily took his shirt off, Harry almost cried with happiness. It was such a meaningful moment in many ways, for both of them. 

Their eyes were locked the whole time Louis was rocking his hips faster and faster, hands flat on Harry’s sweaty chest and Harry responded by snapping his own hips up. Moans became louder as they chased their orgasms, and when Harry finally wrapped his wrist around Louis’ cock twisting and tugging it, his orgasm splattered across Harry’s chest with a scream. The aftershocks were still coursing through Louis’ body when he pinched Harry’s nipples laying under his palms just the way he likes it, a bit too harsh, making Harry thrust his hips one final time. Louis was pulsed around his cock violently, when Harry’s body surrendered pushing him over the edge where everything went blind for a moment, making him come deep inside Louis with a low grunt. Their bodies kept trembling together before the euphoria eventually came down. Still heavily panting, Louis slumped down on Harry’s chest smiling widely. They both were messy and sweaty, but they were radiating happiness as they locked eyes again. 

There was no hurry anymore – only kisses, closeness and tenderness. It was just them. And this time Harry was sure. It wasn’t just him, but Louis was there too.

They were in love.

  
  



	14. Chapter 14

[ Hanoi Rocks - Don't You Ever Leave Me ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=magIma91t2c)

Louis

July, 2017

Louis should have known. Later on when he looked back at that Sunday, premonitions had been hanging in the air since that morning. Literally. A thunderstorm was brewing, making the air hot, muggy and damp, causing clothing to cling to one’s skin.Just after the first drops of rain had started to pour down and the lightning illuminated the otherwise dark sky, the doorbell rang.

_ I should give him a key _ , Louis thought on his way to open the door.

Before he had time to say or do anything, Harry had already tossed his bag away and pushed Louis against the wall, kissing him roughly, water dripping from his hair wetting the floor of the hallway. Harry was rock hard and impatient, already dragging down Louis’ shorts.

”I want you now— ” He panted and bit hard at the junction of Louis’ neck, sucking a dark purple mark there. He let the tip of his tongue press against it lightly before he moved back to Louis’ hot lips.

Harry dug into his pocket and took out a packet of lube, tearing it open with his teeth. He coated his fingers with it and lifted Louis’ other leg behind letting it rest in the crook of his arm, pressing Louis firmly against the wall. It wasn’t the most comfortable position but when his trackie shorts were pulled down and Harry’s fingers found his entrance, he pushed the first finger in, the sensation made Louis scream. It was a mixture of pleasure and pain as Harry’s usually gentle fingers opened him up fast and harsh. When he had made enough room, he added another digit next to the first one, circling and scissoring them.

”More... I can take more.” Louis gasped when Harry’s slick fingers were inside him, all hot and hard pumping in and out, driving him crazy with every hasty thrust.

Harry pushed one more finger in and Louis moaned loudly when they finally brushed over his sensitive spot.

”Jesus, right there! Yes—” He was muffled by Harry’s mouth. He was kissing him roughly, teeth clacking against each other’s when their tongues met in the middle. Harry’s fingers still twisted roughly in and out of his hole for a few more rounds before Harry pulled them out leaving an aching emptiness behind.

He let Louis’ leg down only to take out a condom from his pocket, he pulled his shorts off, placed the condom on his cock and covered it with lube. Once he was ready, he grabbed the back of Louis’ thighs and lifted him up, holding him against the wall.

Louis let his back rest against the wall, hands out to the sides trying to keep his balance as Harry folded him almost in half, giving himself enough access to push in with one sharp thrust.

They both breathed heavily, just leaning into each other before Harry snapped his hips making Louis gasp. Rain whipped against the windows and inside the house Harry slammed in again and again, as mercilessly as the water hitting the glass outside, making Louis moan loudly.

Louis felt his sweaty body sliding down the wall. Harry hoisted him up, keeping him tightly against his chest not letting him fall. He’d finally got the angle right now, hitting Louis’ prostate with every desperate thrust. Louis’ dick was pressed between their bodies getting delicious friction with every thrust.

”I’m close, I’m close— ” He panted, his whole body shaking. Harry didn’t stop, his pace was rough and fast. Desperate. He was close too, Louis could tell.

Harry pressed their lips together kissing him deep and hard, teeth clashing in the rush. Louis guts were boiling. When Harry moved his mouth to bite the sore purple mark he made earlier and snapped his hips perfectly hitting his spot — Louis was coming on his belly so hard he was seeing stars.

Harry thrusted in a few more times, Louis clenching around him before he spilled his load into the condom with one frantic shout. After a while he pulled out and let down Louis’ legs making sure he carefully met the floor. His legs were all wobbly and numb from being in such a challenging position and his post-orgasm haze didn’t help the situation.

Harry was still pressed against Louis and panting hard. They stayed there a moment until Harry eventually leaned back, curled his arms around Louis and they both slumped on the floor all sweaty and sticky. When their breathings finally evened, Harry emitted a small laugh and kissed Louis, this time much softer and lingering.

“Hi!” He smiled.

“Hi!” Louis smirked. “That was fucking hot, but my thighs are still a bit numb.”

“Oh, sorry. Did I hurt you? I wasn’t thinking—“

“What part of ‘fucking hot’ didn’t you understand?” Louis asked arching his brow and leaning in to nip at Harry’s bottom lip lightly.

Harry cupped Louis’ neck and pulled him even closer letting his tongue slip into Louis’ mouth and he eagerly took it.

“I don’t know, but  _ you _ are so fucking hot.” Harry said in a husky voice making Louis shiver. He still couldn’t believe that a Sex God like Harry would ever think  _ he _ was hot or sexy. But Harry kept saying those wonderful things as if he really meant what he said. And Louis wanted to believe them because they made him feel good and wanted. Almost like he could like his own body too.

“Why haven’t we done that before?” Harry asked. He looked stunning sitting there on the hallway floor, eyes still a bit glassy and cheeks all flushed, wet hair sticking to his forehead.

“Because we are stupid, stupid men. That’s why.” Louis sighed. “But, we definitely have to do that again.”

“I agree.” Harry smirked before adding in a sadder tone. “I really needed that right now.”

“I know, sweetie. I know.” Louis answered softly and curled his arms around Harry. They stayed on the floor for a few more moments, silently comforting each other before Harry pulled out of the hug.

“Maybe we should take a shower.” He said standing up and dragging Louis upstairs behind him.

Later they had a late lunch or very early dinner, either way, and watched telly as the storm continued to rage outside. But inside the house it was calm — almost too calm, and it gave Louis goosebumps.

Around six Harry had rubbed his tired eyes saying he wanted to go to sleep because he hadn’t slept well last night and had an early morning the next day. Louis wasn’t tired yet, but he spooned Harry on the bed and soothed him until he fell asleep and little snores released from his mouth. He looked so peaceful and Louis envied him for that.

Louis stayed there for half an hour or so, before he tiptoed downstairs trying not to wake Harry. He would probably sleep until he had to get up to work and that was good. He really needed it. The rain had finally stopped and the air was feeling fresher when Louis went outside to have a cigarette. All the seats were still wet after the storm, but Louis didn’t feel like sitting anyway. Again, there was this agonising feeling inside him. It had been there for days, or weeks even, but in the past few days it had become worse and worse every day. News coming from England wasn’t so good. No.

If you asked Louis, it was alarming.

It’s as though he was reliving that December almost two years ago, sensing all those same predictions now with Robin that he had back then with his mum. He was almost sure Harry felt it too. They should have talked about it, but it was just something they couldn’t speak about. Because once again, saying things aloud would have made them real and neither of them were ready to face that reality, even if Harry had been in constant standby for days, ready to go whenever he needed to.

Louis sighed and thought about that moment a few weeks ago after they had arrived back from England and he had handed Harry a credit card.

“I want you to take this. Just in case. If you ever need to fly back home immediately, I don’t want money to be an obstacle for you. If you have to buy a first class ticket to get there on the first available flight, I want you to buy it.” Louis had instructed Harry with a wave of his hand.

“I know you don’t want to take advantage of me. I know that. And you have your own money, I know that too. But this has nothing to do with it. We can even call it a loan if you want to. But those last minute flight tickets can cost a fortune and I don’t want you to miss something you would regret for the rest of your life, just because you don’t have enough money or you are too proud to accept help. I’m begging you to take this card and don’t hesitate to use it if you need to. Promise me that, Harry. Please.” Louis had begged and Harry, shockingly, had taken it without an argument and slipped it into his wallet with sad eyes.

They both hoped Harry didn’t have to use it, but they both knew it was inevitable. The only question was when. Situations like this weren’t an easy start for a new relationship but at the same time it had brought them even closer. Louis tried his best to be there for Harry, to give him all the support and comfort he needed, but sometimes he didn’t know if it was him or Harry who needed it most.

This was déjà vu.

It was hard, so fucking hard. And when he experienced hard times, he had his own coping methods. 

But it was difficult now, because they spent so much time together and Louis just couldn’t go and do — stuff. He had felt like the most horrible human being and the worst boyfriend ever, when he had made excuses to Harry about why he couldn’t see him on some nights. But he’d  _ needed _ to get that sense of relaxation and feel the stress melt away – even if it usually only lasted for a few lousy minutes before the shame took over. It was sick, and he knew it, but he didn’t know what else to do. It was still the lifeline that kept him sane right now and with that, he was able to provide Harry with the support he needed.

And at this actual moment he needed that feeling more than ever. 

Harry was sleeping upstairs, and he was alone downstairs. During the last couple of weeks, he had started to do something he usually didn’t. He got stock. They were hidden at the back of one of the lower cupboards Harry never needed to go in when he cooked here. They were packed back there so even if he had opened the door he couldn’t see them.

Now Louis was standing in front of that cabinet and stared at it.  _ Harry is upstairs _ , his brain screamed but his hands didn’t hear it. He opened the door and pulled out the black plastic container. He lifted the lid carefully and looked inside his personal Pandora’s box. It was like Louis was standing further apart watching this hologram-Louis shoving his hand into the box and pulling out the first package, he ripped it open with impatient hands.

Crumbs were flying out of his mouth as he stuffed these dry salted crackers in. He took a Coke Zero from the fridge to make eating easier. A few minutes and he was done with it. After the first salty bites he hadn’t tasted anything, but he was feeling wonderful. He took another one, this time it was a candy bar. And the next and the next. The more that empty wrappers appeared on the counter, the more that high started turning to a low. But it still wasn’t enough to make him stop. It never was. When he finally dropped the half-eaten packet of whatever cookies they were on the kitchen floor, it was just because he had to rush to the loo to vomit before he would explode.

And that’s when his nightmare began.

He was still hugging the toilet and throwing up his insides when he heard quiet steps approaching and then passing through the door Louis was behind. Then the movements stopped at the kitchen and Louis could almost see Harry’s disgusted face when he had noticed what had happened there. 

“Lou...?” Harry’s voice was calling him at the same exact moment Louis’ guts failed him again making him gag loudly.

“Lou! Are you alright?” Now his voice was louder and it came closer with every second. Harry was almost there and Louis had no place to escape to. The steps stopped just behind the door and it creaked slightly when Harry opened it. Louis was squatting next to the toilet seat now trying to cover his face with his arm. Harry couldn’t see him like this. He needed to get out. His breathing was heavy and his whole body was shaking. From the vomiting, from the coldness of the tile floor but mostly from the – the shame and humiliation he was feeling. 

“Louis?” This time Harry’s voice was barely a whisper. If Louis was able to look at him he would have seen the realisation in Harry’s eyes. But he didn’t even have to see it, he knew that Harry knew. His secret was no more a secret and Louis needed to get out. Now. He didn’t want to see the disappointment and horror in Harry’s eyes.

When the nausea eased a bit, Louis got up and bolted out of the toilet pushing Harry slightly out of his way. He snatched his jacket from the rack and ran out onto the street hearing Harry call his name from somewhere behind him, but that didn’t make him stop. He ran and ran until he had to stop and vomit one last time on the corner of the street. People were watching but he couldn’t help himself. When he was done with that, he ran again – this time to the nearest subway station and hopped onto the first train, not even bothering to check where it was going.

He was just sitting there, resting his face against his palms, not realising they were getting moist from his tears. He felt so disgusting and humiliated. He swayed himself back and forth, trying to calm himself down. He let his fingers fall down to his neck and he felt a slight pain under his touch. It was the angry bite mark Harry had made earlier and Louis pressed it again, now harder. It hurt, in many ways. But when he felt the pain, he didn’t have to think of anything else.

_ Mum, I need you. _

__

Louis whispered when the pain from Harry’s mark was going numb, like the rest of his body already was. He was slumping on the seat until the train stopped when it arrived at its terminal station forcing Louis to get out. He dragged himself out of the station only to discover he was somewhere in Brooklyn that he’d never been before. But it didn’t matter. It was even better because now no one knew where he was. No one meaning Harry.

When he put his Metrocard back into his wallet and shoved it in his pocket, he also realised that he didn’t have his phone with him. Of course not, because it was still sitting on the kitchen counter and he hadn’t had time to think about it when he had rushed out of the house. He pushed all thoughts about that house and what had happened there earlier out of his mind. He just felt his own laboured breathing as he started to walk toward the unknown.

It was still hot outside even though it was probably past nine o’clock already. He was sweating in his shorts and t-shirt, jacket on top of all of it, but internally, he was freezing. He had this terrible nagging feeling inside, like something bad was about to happen and it had nothing to do with what was going on with him right now. He couldn’t explain it, but he didn’t want to think about it either. So, he just walked and walked until he saw a small tattoo shop with neon lights glimmering in the already darkened night. In the window there was a smaller red sign saying ‘Open’. Louis didn’t hesitate to go in.

“Evening. How can I help you?” He was greeted by a tattooed man in his thirties.

“Umm, I saw you are still open. I was wondering if you had time to do a small tattoo now? It would mean so much to me if you could.” Louis said, voice a little shaky, eyes roaming the wall with different kinds of sketches hanging on it.

“I might.” The man said observing Louis attentively, he couldn’t blame him for that. He would have done the same. “Did you have something in mind?”

“Yeah, I actually do. I can show it to you. Just a sec.” Louis put his hand in his pocket only to remember his phone was still in the kitchen. “Shit. I forgot my phone. Could I use your internet?”

“Sure.” The guy waved Louis to come behind the counter and sit down. It didn’t take long for him to find what he was looking for.

“I want to have this on my shoulder. Here.” Louis first pointed to the picture on the screen and then to his own shoulder.

“Yeah. I can do that.” There was a flash in the guy’s eyes showing that he understood what this all was about. “I’ll just get my equipment ready and draw a sketch. You can sit over there and wait.”

*

“We’re done now.” The guy said a couple of hours later as he put the tattoo gun away. “I’ll get a mirror, so you can see it better.”

Louis could already see it and he wanted to brush his fingers over it. But he waited for the guy to wrap it with cling-film before he touched it.

It was perfect. The small pair of angel wings sat on his shoulder permanently. Identical to the ones that were on his mum’s stone. Was it him being sentimental, he didn’t know, but he felt he could connect and touch his mum whenever he needed to feel her strength and love.

Just like now.

He paid, thanked and tipped the guy generously before sneaking out the door to the almost empty street. The pain was now duller than it was earlier and he was feeling a tad better, but he still wasn’t able to face Harry just yet. He had to do it sooner or later, but for now, he chose the latter. He didn’t have enough strength to live it all again right now.

Instead he spent the night sitting in a 24/7 McDonald’s and went straight to rehearsals the next morning without going home inbetween. It was almost 7pm when Louis finally got home and he was so exhausted. All he wanted was to do was sleep.

But he didn’t get a chance to.

He opened the front door cautiously dreading that Harry would be there even though he knew he didn’t have a key and he had had work today. But still. He closed his eyes for a second and took a deep breath collecting his courage before he stepped into the kitchen.

It all was still there, just like when he had left and that sight set off alarm bells in his head, loud and clear. Something was definitely wrong now. He knew Harry, and he knew he would never leave the kitchen looking like this. Not in a million years. His pulse was rising when he picked up his phone from the counter where he had left it. There were three unanswered calls from Harry, all from yesterday evening. And then there was the text that shook him to his core.

**I have to go home. Mum called. It’s Robin. Got a flight for tonight. Can you take care of Blue, please? I’ll leave a key. Let me know you’re ok. H**

The text was also dated from the previous night. Louis pressed the call button, but it went straight to voicemail. Harry should already be in England, so the other option was that he was in hospital where phones weren’t allowed. That thought made him gulp hard. Suddenly, all the things that had happened last night seemed so small and unnecessary.

”Harry—” His voice was just a small breath coming out. 

Enormous worry for Harry took over. Gone was the fear of facing him, all he wanted was to see him. Take care of him. Be there for him and never leave him alone. He really had no choice. Harry needed him. 

And that moment Louis knew exactly what he had to do. 

  
  



	15. Chapter 15

[ Take That - Babe ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MviFdVHltEM)

Harry

July, 2017

Harry was sitting in the funeral director’s office staring at an empty urn placed on the table in front of him. He still couldn’t believe everything that had happened in the past 48 hours. It had been a whirlwind ride that hadn’t seemed to stop until now – now there was only silence.

Harry’s chest was hurting and his brain was all numb as he was listening to the words of the woman who was sitting across the table from him. Words he couldn’t even hear. He glanced at his mother who was sitting next to him, tears falling down her face and he was really starting to understand Louis’ comments about how he hadn’t let himself cry because he had to stay strong for his siblings. Now Harry was feeling the same thing for his mum.

_ Louis _ .

This whole nightmare had started on Sunday night when he had woken up in a lonely bed, Louis nowhere to be seen. Harry had glanced at his phone to check the time. It had only been eight and he hadn’t slept more than two hours yet. He was feeling thirsty and decided to go downstairs to get something to drink. Louis must have been there too because he couldn’t hear any movement on the upper floors. He had padded downstairs totally unaware of what was going on. He still couldn’t understand how he hadn’t realised anything before. How bloody blind he had been.

He had walked into the kitchen and the first thing he had seen was the black plastic container sat wide open on the breakfast bar and empty wrappers of different kinds of packages laying around it. The sight had made him furrow his eyebrows, as he was trying to figure out what was going on. He had stepped closer to get a proper look into the box only to find out out it was filled with all kinds of treats; biscuits, candy bars, crisps. Just to name a few. 

“Louis?” He had called out and right after he had heard a noise coming out of the toilet. Like someone was puking their guts out. It had been that moment that had finally connected the dots of what he saw and what he heard, and the result horrified him. Because it couldn’t be… 

_ No _ , he had thought, shaking his head, denying everything.

He had walked up to the door and carefully opened it. He would never forget the sight. Louis had been kneeling in front of the toilet seat throwing up, cheeks all wet from tears falling down from his eyes. Was he crying or were the tears a result of the heavy vomiting, Harry couldn’t tell. But Louis had been shaking and trying to cover his eyes looking like a cornered animal. When Harry had finally seen his eyes, there had been so much pain and horror in them and it had broken Harry’s heart.

How the hell did he not know that his boy was suffering so much, that he wanted to hurt himself like this? He  _ should _ have known. He  _ should  _ have been able to help him. 

_ He should have! _

But before he had a chance to say or do anything, Louis had sprung out of the loo and out of the house, snagging his jacket on the way out. Harry had rushed out behind him shouting his name, but Louis hadn’t stopped. Harry had run upstairs to get some clothes because he couldn’t run out onto the street wearing only his pants. He had barely got his shorts on when his phone rang. When he answered it, it had been the start of a new spiral, adding to the pain of the previous one.

“Harry, it’s Robin. He’s in hospital and it doesn’t look good. You have to come home right now.” His mum had sobbed on the phone and Harry had felt himself falling again.

And now here they were, organising a funeral.

Harry startled from his thoughts and tried to concentrate on what the lady in black was talking about. ‘Agatha C,’ her name tag said and all Harry’s tired brain could associate it with was Christie. What would be more suitable for someone who organised funerals for a living than sharing the namesake with the world’s murder queen? Manic laughter was barely contained within Harry’s mouth as he bit his lip hard trying to stop it.

Then just one look towards the urn and he was on the verge of tears again.  _ Jesus _ . He was just about to lose his mind.

But what did they really expect? When you have just lost your loved one, and you’re immediately supposed to take care of a zillion things. Even if you really hadn’t had time to really internalise a loved one’s death. Basically, it sucked. But it didn’t change the fact that it had to be done, whether you wanted it to or not.

So, here they were. Going through a wishlist that entailed what Robin had wanted his funeral to be like. If someone had told Harry right now ‘Isn’t it easy when you already have everything settled?’ he probably would have punched them. Because no, there was nothing _ easy _ about this situation. But they got it done anyway. They’d said what they wanted and the funeral director was taking care of the rest. That was one thing to mark complete.

They shook hands with the lady before walking back to the car. They weren’t feeling hungry, but still decided to have lunch together before driving back home. Even if their spirits weren’t high, it was always nice to spend time together with his mum. Although, now all their talks felt like meaningless white noise. Maybe it was a good thing, Harry couldn’t tell. When they got back to Holmes Chapel, Gemma had already finished her work-related affairs that she must have done earlier, despite the situation, and now she and Anne had left together somewhere, leaving Harry alone in the house.

He desperately needed something to do. Harry googled for a while before rummaging through the kitchen cabinets and writing up a shopping list. The walk to the market wasn’t long, but nonetheless it was good to get some fresh air. He would go running later, but for now he just needed ingredients to bake with. He didn’t usually bake outside of work anymore, but at this moment he wanted to delight his mum and it would also give him something else to do, rather than being alone with his thoughts.

He had ended up making scones. They were Anne’s favourites and they were easy enough to make. But they also made him think of Louis and that one specific afternoon months ago when they had had afternoon tea together. It all seemed so long ago.  _ Should I have noticed it back then _ , Harry thought. Louis had been nibbling at his scones but he ended up eating them anyway. Had he gone to the restroom afterwards, Harry couldn’t remember. It had been when Louis had first come out to him and Harry had been slightly confused afterwards. 

Harry had tried to call him again just a few moments ago, but his phone was switched off and Harry was really starting to get worried. He had tried to call Louis right after he had received the devastating phone call from his mum only to notice his phone had been laying on the kitchen counter. Next, Harry had called British Airways and managed to get a ticket for the last flight for the same night leaving in 2 and a half hours. He had sent a quick text to Louis to tell him what was going on, left the keys for his flat on the table and rushed to the airport. He had started to keep his passport with him all the time and back then he had been thankful for that. He had fed Blue in the afternoon, so she would be fine for now. Louis would probably get his message and would take care of her after that.

But he hadn’t heard anything from him since. However, Harry’s phone had been switched off too. As soon as he had landed in London, Gemma’s boyfriend had picked him up from the airport and rushed them to the hospital where everyone else was already. Harry had made it just in time, Robin had still been in and out of consciousness and Harry had been able to talk to him. He had barely spoken anymore but they had been able to say their goodbyes too. It was a little past midnight when he had fallen asleep and he never woke up.

And now Harry was baking some stupid pastries in their kitchen, as if he was trying to convince himself everything was fucking fine when obviously, that wasn’t the case. Not even close. But if he let himself stop and sit down, he wasn’t sure if he would be able to get up again. Being alone wasn’t ideal right now, but he really had no choice. All he could do was keep himself busy.

After he had finished his baking, he’d started to prepare dinner even though he didn’t know if mum and Gemma were going to be there then. He made soup and then he baked some rolls to go with it. And then he baked a banana loaf cake, in hopes his mum and Gemma would come back soon, otherwise their house would start to resemble a bloody bakery.

They came back around six and they all ate quietly, only talking about what they had done this afternoon. They watched telly for a while afterwards, before Anne excused herself and went to bed. Not so soon after, Gemma did the same. Because it was only nine and the weather was still nice, Harry decided to go for a run. Maybe it would help him sleep. He was mentally and also physically tired, but his body was still jet lagged and too pent up to go to bed.

It felt good to run. Harry let music play loudly through his earphones, trying to empty his restless mind. It wasn’t easy when the familiar scenery brought back all these memories. Most of them were good ones and made him smile, but at the same time it was too painful to think about them. Harry stopped for a while when he was near the river and sat on the bench. He pulled out his phone and tried to call Louis again. This time it was ringing, but he didn’t answer.

Harry was starting to feel a bit annoyed. At first, he had been worried because his phone was shut off, but now it was on again and there was still no word from him. He must have gotten the messages about what had happened, so why the hell didn’t he call back? Was it that he didn’t care enough after all? The thought made Harry’s heart ache even more and he felt tears falling down his cheeks not knowing who he was crying over, Robin or Louis. Probably both. After a moment, Harry forced himself up again, wiping his face dry with his sleeve. The night was getting chillier and he couldn’t stay out for much longer.

When he was back home, Harry took a shower and made himself a sandwich. He ate it, but he still didn’t feel tired enough to sleep. It was though a bunch of nerves were keeping him awake, even if all he wanted to do was to sleep. He went to bed anyway. He tried to read at first, but he couldn’t concentrate, so he just settled on listening to music.

It was already past midnight when his phone suddenly lit with a familiar name appearing on the screen.

“Lou!” Harry breathed when he answered the phone.

“Hey, babe.” He heard Louis’ voice on the line and tears were back in Harry’s eyes. “Sorry to call this late, but could you open the door for me.”

“But, Lou. I’m in England. Didn’t you get my text?” Harry said confused and then he started to worry about Blue, too. She would have been alone for almost three days if Louis hadn't been there either.

“Yeah, I got it. That’s why I called you. I don’t want to wake the others because it’s quite late already.” Louis said and Harry’s brain was still short-circuiting.

“What…?” He asked, confused. He was too tired to understand anything.

“I’m outside your house. Would you let me in or do I have to find some other place to stay and come back in the morning?” As Louis’ words were starting to wiggle their way into Harry's brain, he shot out of the bed and ran downstairs. His heart was bouncing wildly as he pulled the door open.

“Lou…” Harry whispered when he saw the older man standing there. All he could do was stare at him, almost like touching him would make him disappear and he couldn’t take that risk. Instead, he pinched himself ensuring he was awake. It hurt and Louis was still there, so maybe he should believe his eyes.

“Hi.” Louis answered quietly and smiled shyly.

“What are you doing here?” Harry knew his voice was trembling, but he was feeling way too overwhelmed right now. Louis was here! Harry couldn’t prevent the tears from falling down his face anymore. He seemed to be like a waterfall all the time now.

“Did you really think I would leave you to deal with a situation like this all alone?” Louis said and pulled him in for a tight hug. Harry sunk into it and they stayed there for a long time, just feeling each other’s warmth and comfort. Eventually, it was Harry who pulled away first.

“Come inside, it’s cold out here.” He took Louis’ hand and without letting go he led the way upstairs. “Mum and Gemms are sleeping so we have to keep quiet.”

They climbed upstairs to where Harry’s bedroom was located.

“I still can’t believe you’re here.” Harry said once they were in his room and had closed the door behind them. He pulled Louis down to sit on his bed next to him and planted his lips on Louis’ softly. “I was so worried about you.”

“I – I’m sorry.” Louis whispered and suddenly he looked so vulnerable again. Just like when Harry had found him.

“You have nothing to be sorry for. It all just happened so fast. First you and then Robin.” Harry said pressing their foreheads together. He was breathing heavily and attempted to swallow tears that stubbornly tried to appear.

“Is he…?” Louis asked cautiously.

“Yeah. Last night.” Harry blinked and blinked, but he could feel his cheeks dampen again.

“I’m so, so sorry, love.” Louis whispered and pulled them down to lay on the bed. He tangled his arms and legs around Harry stroking his hair silently, letting him cry into his shoulder. It was the first time Harry did so properly. He couldn’t say it felt good to cry, but it helped a little anyway. But afterwards he was feeling so tired. So fucking tired. He wanted to talk to Louis but he just couldn’t keep his eyes open anymore.

“Sorry, Lou.” He mumbled. “I think I'm going to fall asleep.”

“Good. I’ll just use the bathroom and then come back to bed. I’m quite exhausted myself too.” Louis said and Harry dazedly tried to tell him where the loo was located.

“I think I’ll manage to find it. Just go to sleep. Good night, love.” Louis kissed him goodnight before getting up from the bed. By the time he came back, Harry was already asleep.

*

He woke up around eight feeling groggy and a headache was bouncing in his skull. His eyes were swollen and red from all the crying, reminding him of what had happened and a sharp pain pierced his chest again.

“Morning.” Louis’ raspy voice said next to him and Harry turned towards him.

“Morning.” He replied smiling weakly and Louis pulled him closer kissing his forehead lightly. “I still can’t believe you’re actually here.” Harry whispered, his fingers lightly tracing Louis’ chest.

“I tried to call you after mum had called me and noticed your phone was still in the kitchen.” He carried on keeping his eyes tightly on his fingers. “The next time it was switched off and I was so worried. Then last night it was ringing again, but you didn’t answer and I was starting to believe you didn’t want to talk to me anymore.”

“Harry, no.” Louis’ voice was firm when he cupped Harry’s jaw and forced him to look him into eyes. “Don’t you ever think that again. I would never do that. Never.”

“I know, but I was so tired and wasn’t able to think straight after everything that had happened” Harry sighed.

“Good, because whatever happens, remember I will always be here for you.” Louis said and planted a little kiss on Harry’s lips.

“Same with me too. I want you to know, I will be here for you. Always.” Now it was Harry’s turn to convince Louis. His hand was looking for Louis’ smaller one and when they finally met, Harry squeezed it gently.

“We need to talk about it, Lou.” Harry continued softly.

“I know.” Louis closed his eyes for a moment before taking a look at Harry again. “I know,” he repeated this time firmer “but not now. It wouldn’t be fair to you or me to do it now. It has to be the right time and the right place when we do it. I think we’ll both know when that time comes.”

“Yeah, I think we will.” Harry said. “But I want you to know that I lo—” Louis quieted him by kissing him.

“I know, Harry. And I feel the same.” Louis said smiling. “But I have this stupid idea in my head and I don’t want to say those words before we’ve had that talk. Then there wouldn’t be any more secrets between us. If you still feel the same after that, then we can say it aloud.” Louis was looking at Harry bashfully from under his lashes, he looked so damn beautiful.

“Nothing will ever change my feelings for you, but if that’s what you want, we can wait.” Harry said kissing him a little deeper this time. The heat between them was there but it just didn’t feel right to go any further with it at the moment. They just settled for kissing for a while before getting up to have breakfast.

Someone had already eaten and Harry assumed it was Gemma, because there had been muffled noises coming out of her old room. She was probably working already. Harry made them bacon and eggs with toast while Louis prepared their teas before they sat down at the table.

“Harry, stop.” Louis said after they had been eating for a while and put down his fork.

“What…?” Harry lifted his gaze looking confused.

“You stare when I’m eating.” Harry met Louis’ eyes and they weren’t looking very happy. He hadn’t even realised he had been doing that. Shit.

“Oh, sorry. I – I didn’t mean to do it.” Harry gulped and blushed ashamed.

“I get it, but still. Stop it. It really doesn’t help.” Louis sounded annoyed, for good reason though.

“I just don’t know how I should behave.” Harry said frustrated with himself, feeling tears appear in his eyes again.

“Hey, please don’t cry. I didn’t mean to be mean.” Louis reached to brush falling tears off of Harry’s face.

“You are not mean.” Harry sniffed. “I’m just too sensitive to everything now. Sorry.”

“Don’t you dare to be sorry for your feelings right now. I just don’t want you to cry because of my words. Otherwise, if you feel like crying, then you cry. If you want to scream, then you scream. All I wanted to say was, just be normal with me and let me feel normal, too.” Louis said, sighing and picked up his fork again pointing to Harry’s plate. “Now eat your eggs.”

Harry was able to give him a weak smile before taking a bite from his toast. They finished their breakfast in comfortable silence. Afterwards, Harry was doing their dishes and Louis was leaning against the kitchen worktop when there were audible steps descending the stairs. Louis straightened himself quickly and Harry turned to look at the door seeing his mum entering the room looking rested, but tired. If that description made any sense.

“Morning.” She said to Harry before noticing Louis standing in the kitchen too. “Oh, Louis. Where did you come from?” She smiled and walked across the room to give Louis a hug.

“Sorry to intrude on your house like this. I came here last night without any notice.” Louis answered smiling before his expression got more serious. “I had to come when I heard what happened. Anne, I’m so sorry for your loss. Robin was a fine man. I know words don’t do much to console in this situation. Can I just hug you again?”

Harry watched on as Louis hugged his mum tightly and held her in his embrace.

“Thank you, Louis.” She said when they eventually broke their hug, sweeping the tears off of her cheeks. “And you are always welcomed here. How long are you staying?”

“Actually, I have to leave this afternoon. My flight to New York leaves at six.” Louis answered.

“What?! You leave today?” It was Harry who was speaking this time.

“Yeah. Sorry. James wasn’t very happy when I said I had to visit England immediately and I promised him to come back as soon as possible. I’m sorry this was such a quick visit.” Louis explained looking visibly sorry.

“No, no. I didn’t mean it like that. Did you really fly all the way here just for one night? To see if I’m ok?” Harry felt his eyes watering again. Apparently, there wasn’t a subject he could talk about without spilling any tears.

“Yeah, I did. I had to.” Louis walked up to Harry and lifted his jaw lightly before pressing a small kiss to his lips despite Anne standing next to them. There was a warm feeling inside Harry’s chest and it spread onto his cheeks too.

“I’m glad you did.” Harry held Louis tightly and pushed his head against Louis' shoulder smelling his familiar, comforting scent. It always made Harry feel peaceful. He wanted to stay there forever but he suddenly remembered his mum was next to them, watching them fondly.

“Oh, do you want some breakfast, Mum? I can make you eggs, too.” Harry asked, straightening himself up and letting his hands fall away from Louis.

“If you don’t mind, sweetie. That would be nice.” Anne answered, turning to make herself a cup of tea, offering Louis one too. They were sitting around the table chatting whilst Harry was cooking in the kitchen. Once he was ready, he delivered the plate to his mum and sat down too. They kept her company until she had eaten.

“Thank you, boys. But I think now it’s time for you to have your own time. I’ll do the dishes.” Anne said firmly. Harry was tempted to protest but he wanted to spend some time with Louis before he had to go to the airport.

“Ok. Thanks, mum.” Harry settled on saying and kissed her cheek before taking Louis’ hand and pulling him out of the kitchen.

“Thank you, Anne. See you later.” Louis shouted to her when he was already halfway out of the room in Harry’s tow.

“What time will you leave?” Harry asked when they were back in his room.

“Car is coming to pick me up at one.” Louis answered by checking the current time. “So, I have less than four hours before I have to go.”

“I don’t want you to go.” Harry huffed loudly.

“And I don’t want to go either. But I have to.” Louis took Harry’s hand and brushed his thumb over it. “Let’s not think about that too much now.”

“Yeah, I’ll try.” Harry lifted their hands and gave small kisses to Louis’ knuckles. “What would you say if we went for a little walk?”

“Sounds good. If we just sat here, I think I would fall asleep. I have no idea what time of day it is. Well,  _ I _ know that, but my body doesn’t.” Louis said looking tired and Harry knew he probably didn’t look any better.

“I’m familiar with the feeling. Do you need to do something before or should we go now?” Harry asked, picking his phone from the table and shoving it into his pocket.

“I’m ready, whenever you are ready.” Louis answered, stretching his arms towards the ceiling and yawning widely.

“Yeah, it seems so.” Harry grinned. “C’mon, sleepyhead. Let’s go for a walk.”

*

The weather wasn’t the best, but it wasn’t raining. With a long sleeve jumper it was nice enough and as long as he had Louis for company, Harry couldn’t complain. They walked the same route Harry had run the previous night, and eventually they ended up at the same bench near the river.

“Want to sit down for a while?” Harry asked, and Louis nodded plopping himself down on the wooden seat.

“It’s beautiful here.” Louis leaned back and let his gaze wander across the green scenery. The river was streaming slowly between the meadows, and the sun was trying to free itself from behind the clouds without any success. “And so peaceful.”

“Yeah, I like it too. It’s good to be surrounded by silence sometimes. When you live in a city like New York, there is always something going on.” Harry said, draping his arm around Louis’ shoulder pulling him closer.

“Would you like to live here again someday?” Louis asked, resting his head against Harry’s shoulder. His hand found Harry’s larger one and started to play with his fingers.

“Probably not. It’s nice to visit every once in a while, but living in Holmes Chapel... I don’t see it happening. Not right now anyway. I love New York and I want to be there.” Harry explained. He could have added Louis to the pros list for New York, but even if there wasn’t a Louis, he would still want to live there. “And you? Do you want to move back to England someday?”

“I don’t know.” Louis shrugged. “I think I could echo your words and say I don’t see it happening right now. I have a job there and a home, too. Of course, I could always sell it if I wanted to live somewhere else, but I really love that house and I can easily see myself still living there in ten years.”

“I like it too.” Harry admitted. All the talk about New York suddenly reminded him of his pet. “Did you go to see Blue?” He asked, concerned for the feline.

“Of course, I did. What do you think of me?” Louis asked, sounding almost insulted.

“I just thought you might not have got my message. Sorry.” Harry answered awkwardly. He hadn’t meant it like that.

“How do you think I knew you were here if I didn’t get the text, you git?” Louis smiled and turned to look at Harry who was now looking embarrassed. “And in the very same text you asked me to take care of Blue, which I did. She’s at my house now and Zayn is taking care of her until I get back.” Louis told him and Harry sighed in relief.

“Thank you, Lou.” Harry said kissing his temple lightly and letting his nose sink into Louis’ hair for a moment.

“You don’t have to thank me. It’s the normal thing to do in this kind of situation.” Louis said squeezing Harry’s hand slightly, making him smile. Was it normal that all these little gestures made Harry’s heart flutter uncontrollably?

“I was so worried about you.” Harry said in hushed tones. “When you rushed out of the house and I couldn’t reach you. Where did you go?”

“I’m sorry. I— I just panicked. When I got out of the house, I ran to the subway station and hopped onto the first train and ended up somewhere in Brooklyn.” Louis said and Harry heard in his voice that it still wasn’t easy for him to talk about this. Harry was grateful that he was trying anyway.

“Brooklyn? Where did you go then?” Harry asked curiously.

“When I got off the train I just walked around and then I saw tattoo shop that was open—”

“You got a tattoo?” Harry cried out louder than he meant to.

“Yeah.” Louis untangled himself from Harry and took off his hoodie for a second. He lowered the collar of his t-shirt revealing the set of angel wings inked on his shoulder. “It was just a spur of the moment thing, but it felt right. It still feels right.”

“Are those wings for your mum?” Harry whispered. Louis’ had shown him a picture of Jay’s stone after he had visited her grave.

“Yeah, they’re similar to those on her stone.” Louis told him, taking a quick look at his tattoo before pulling his hoodie on again. “I just felt so lost and scared that night. Before, I would have called her, but now obviously, I can’t. When I saw that open tattoo shop, I just walked in and immediately knew what I wanted.”

“That’s really beautiful.” Harry said. “And meaningful too.”

“It sounds stupid but with this tattoo, I feel like she is close to me all the time.” Louis said snuggling himself close to Harry again.

“It’s not stupid, Lou. Not at all.” Harry said. “I think I want to get a tattoo for Robin later, too.”

“He would have liked that.” Louis admitted and Harry felt tears approaching again.

“Hey, come here.” Louis said and curled his arms around Harry, brushing his hair soothingly.

“Sometimes I think I don’t even have the right to mourn him like this. He wasn’t even my real father.” Harry sniffled and wiped his tears away harsly.

“That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard. You have every right to do so. He was a big part of your life for years. He wasn’t your biological dad, but he was definitely a father figure to you in every other aspect.” Louis told him firmly, forcing Harry to look him in the eyes.

“I know that. But I think my thoughts aren’t very rational right now.” Harry sighed, closing his eyes for a moment.

“It’s very understandable, but despite it all, I want you to know that you can tell me everything, no matter how weird it sounds. I don’t want you to curl into yourself like I did.” Louis let his thumbs brush across Harry’s cheeks.

“I don’t want you to do it now either, Lou.” Harry said softly. He hesitated for a second before continuing. “Is it ok, if I ask you sometimes how you’re feeling. You don’t have to tell me more, it can wait until we talk properly. But if you’re not feeling good, then just tell me. It might even help you to say things aloud.”

“I can try.” Louis answered visibly stressed.

“Hey, you don’t have to if it feels like it’s too much. Only if it feels comfortable for you.” Harry stroked his back soothingly.

“I– I really want to try. But it’s hard, you know.” Louis sighed onto Harry’s chest. Then he lifted his head and locked their eyes. “But you can ask and I’ll try to be honest with you.”

“That’s good enough for me. As long as you remember you’re not alone in this.” Harry pulled Louis onto his lap, his legs astride Harry’s. They stayed there kissing and hugging until they had to start walking back to the house.

On their way home, Louis told Harry about the rest of that night. It was really tough to hear he had been hiding from Harry and not going back to his own home for almost twenty four hours before he had gathered up enough courage to do so. Only to forget all of it and without thinking any further jumping onto a plane to see Harry. And now he was already leaving.

Louis took a quick shower when they were back in the house while Harry heated up some soup he had made last night for them. They ate quietly, both already thinking about the upcoming farewells. At ten to one, a car appeared in the driveway making Louis’ leaving very certain. They stood up and walked to the door where Louis’ small backpack was already waiting.

“So, this is it.” Louis said gripping the bag in his fist without looking at Harry.

“Yeah.” Harry swallowed his tears.

“I— “ Louis started and finally raised his gaze. His eyes were moistened and they were mirroring Harry’s own feelings. Then he dropped the bag and jumped into Harry’s arms, snaking his arms around Harry’s neck. Harry wrapped his own around Louis’ tiny waist and pulled him as close as possible.

“I’m going to miss you so much.” Harry whispered into his hair before cupping Louis’ face and kissing him slowly and deeply. He didn’t stop until he heard a loud cough from behind him. When he turned around, he saw Gemma smirking at them and Anne smiling next to her.

“Oh.” The boys said in the unison, a light blush colouring their cheeks. 

“Sorry to bother you lovebirds, but I wanted to greet Louis too before he leaves us after his surprise visit.” Gemma grinned. She was trying to be sassy, but Harry knew his sister and right now, below the surface, she was genuinely touched by Louis’ visit.

“Hi, Gemma.” Louis smiled at her and because he was brave, without a second thought, Louis walked up to her and pulled her into a tight hug, holding her there. Just like he had done with Anne this morning. And Gemma let him do it. Without any resistance she just slumped herself against Louis, only quiet sniffing was audible.

“Ok.” After a while Gemma gently pushed Louis away. “This never happened if you ask me again later.”

“Whatever you say.” Louis grinned at her and then he turned to Anne. “And thank you one more time for letting me stay here.”

He hugged her too and then took Harry’s hand. “Want to accompany me to the car?”

Harry nodded and followed him. The driver hopped out of the front seat when he saw them arriving and rushed to open the back door.

“Thank you,” Louis nodded to him and the chauffeur took note, leaving them to say their goodbyes in private. When he was back inside the car, Louis grabbed Harry’s face and kissed him.

“I have to go now.” Louis said when they broke their kiss. “Oh, I never asked when you’re coming back home?”  _ Home _ . It made Harry feel warm inside. 

“The funeral is next Wednesday, so I think I’ll fly back on Friday or Saturday. I let you know when I book the flight.” Harry answered pushing the thought of funerals out of his mind.

“Ok. Just promise to call me whenever you want to talk. There might be times I can’t take calls if I’m working but I’ll call you back as soon as possible.” Louis demanded.

“Yeah, I will.” Harry promised gripping tightly at Louis’ hand.

“One more kissy, then I have to go.” Louis said pressing their lips together and when they eventually parted, he slid into the backseat. “Bye, love.”

“Bye, Lou.” Harry whispered and watched the black car drive away. He stood there watching the empty road, eyes wet until Gemma came outside.

“Ok, little brother. Let’s go inside and I’ll make us a nice cup of tea.”

*

After Louis’ departure, Harry had way too much time on his hands. When he kept himself busy, everything was good. Well, not good, but tolerable anyway. The problem was when he stopped, everything flooded back into his mind with force. His brain still couldn’t understand what had happened, but his chest was tight like someone was sitting on it and every breath he took hurt like hell. If he was feeling like this, he couldn’t even imagine what his mother was going through right now.

Gemma had also gone back to London, so now it was just him and Anne for a few days. They spent time together, but she also wanted to see her friends and Harry totally got that. But when Harry was alone, he had too much time to think. His mind was filled with thoughts about Robin and Louis. Nothing was ever going to bring Robin back, he knew that, but for Louis there was something he could do.

So, he googled. A lot. Different pages about eating disorders, and now, after reading about all the symptoms and behavior, he wondered how he didn’t manage to see the tell tale signs earlier. All the little things Harry had seen over the past few months had now started to form a bigger picture. How within the last few weeks Harry had basically lived with Louis, he had sometimes looked like a caged animal and then made excuses for leaving the house, only to return later looking almost guilty and ashamed. And all the little things beside that. How hadn’t he seen it then, when it all seemed so clear to him now?

One night, Harry was sitting in the living room with his mum, thinking about Louis again.

“Do you want to talk about it, sweetie?” Anne asked suddenly.

“What...?” Harry asked, confused.

“Whatever it is that’s making you frown so much.” Harry always forgets how his mum can read his expressions like a book.

“I don’t want to bother you with my problems, Mum. You already have enough on your own mind.” Harry said even though he wanted to talk to someone about this. And who better than his mum?

“Yes, I do. But I’m just thankful if I can, even for a moment, have something else to think about. So, would you do your old mum a favour and tell her what’s wrong.” Anne said smiling.

“It’s Louis.” Harry sighed and let his head fall against the headrest.

“What about him? That boy loves you so much. If that’s something you worry about.” Anne said and Harry felt her watchful eyes on him although he couldn’t see her.

“I know he does. Even though we haven’t said the words to each other yet.” Harry answered and lifted his head.

“You haven’t?” Anne asked clearly in surprise.

“No. There is something we have to talk about when I get back home first. We decided to wait until after then.” Harry explained.

“Sounds like an important conversation.” Anne stated, eyes still glued on Harry.

“Yeah, it is.” Harry said and finally met his mother’s eyes.

“Want to be more specific?” Anne asked after he noticed Harry wouldn’t continue.

“I don’t want to go into details, because it’s very personal. But just before I came here, I found out something about Louis.” Harry explained and placed the pillow sitting next to him on his lap to give his hands something to do.

“Something bad, I guess.” Anne asked.

“Yeah, kind of. Not bad in a bad way. It’s nothing he’s said or done. I really can’t say more without revealing too much. But it’s not affecting other people. It’s just him. And now indirectly me, because I know. I just want to help him, but I don’t know if I can do it properly.”

“So, it’s something he does to himself?” Anne asked, making Harry wonder if he had revealed too much. If his mum had figured it out. But then again, Harry had lived with Louis and he still didn’t have a clue.

Harry nodded.

“And you two have already decided you are going to talk about it later?” Anne made sure.

Harry nodded again.

“Good. That’s a start. It’s difficult to give the right advice when I don’t know everything. But based on this, I think that all you can do is just be there for him. I assume you don’t know everything either?” Anne asked the right questions again. How was she always able to do so, Harry wondered.

“No, I don’t. I’m quite positive what it is. But like I said we haven’t talked about it yet properly and I don’t know all the details.” Harry told her.

“Until then, just be there for him.” Anne said firmly. “And when you have talked, then you should think about solutions together. Be open and honest with each other. Even though it’s not that easy.”

“Yeah. I just feel so helpless and guilty, because I think I should have noticed the signs, but I didn’t.” Harry said, frustration filling his voice again. Was it going to be like this forever? The guilt he was feeling was so strong and it made him angry at himself.

“Don’t feel guilty for anything. It doesn’t help either of you. And it’s natural to feel helpless. You love him and want the best for him, and suddenly you can’t do anything.” Harry wasn’t sure if he was talking solely about Louis anymore. Only, in Robin’s case, there wasn’t anything they could have done to get him better. But with Louis, it wasn’t impossible.

“Yeah, I guess you are right. I googled it and there’s so much information that it makes me more confused and overwhelmed.” Harry said letting his fingers sink into the soft pillow. Then he pulled them off and stared at the marks his digits had left on the surface.

“Harry, lov, it’s good that you’re seeking information. But I still think you need to talk to Louis first. He can give you the most important, first hand information.” Anne explained and she had a point. Didn’t she?

“So, I should just leave it for now?” Harry asked, finally looking at her.

“Not necessarily love. Just get the basic information for now, but don’t go too deep. The time for that is later.” Anne smiled at him in comfort.

“It’s not that easy.” Harry sighed and put the pillow back on the sofa.

“No, it isn’t. That’s why this all is called life.” Anne said. “And sometimes it just sucks.”

Harry couldn’t agree more.

*

There was still too much going on inside Harry’s head and attempting to make some sense of what was going on, he wrote. Some of them were just small phrases, some were poems. Others were almost diary-like confessions and then there was this one text that had started to live it’s own life. It was still a blurry mess in his head, but late at night he could hear the melody mixing with it. It was haunting him in a good way.

Harry had also seen his old friends who were still living in Holmes Chapel or nearby. It was always nice to see them, but this time, Harry somehow felt like an alien in his own home town. It wasn’t just living in New York, he had lived there for years now and never felt like this before. Like something was missing and home didn’t feel like home anymore. It was a weird feeling and Harry wasn’t able to reach it totally.

But on one evening when the music and lyrics started to form into a song, Harry realised the answer to his question might be simpler than he had ever thought. 

*

“Send my love to your mother, Harry.” The older lady with the sad eyes said to Harry.

“I will. Thank you, Mrs Collins. Goodbye.” Harry said with a forced smile on his face.

He started steadily walking towards their house, but as soon as he turned around the corner he quickened his pace until he reached his destination. He rushed into the courtyard and squatted at the corner fence pressing his palms against his eyes feeling the familiar burn behind his eyelids. He didn’t want to cry again but like many other times, he really didn’t have a choice.

He stayed in that position until his legs went numb. Then he sat down on the lawn and rested his back against the wooden fence. This is really stupid, he thought. But he just couldn’t help it. His feelings were getting so overpowering so damn fast and the upcoming funeral the next day definitely wasn’t easing the situation. His head was a mess, but over the week it had become such a normal feeling. Sometimes he even thought this was how it was going to be. That this was his normal from now on; a total mess.

Harry didn’t want to go inside the empty house, so he just sat there thinking about everything and nothing. His face was stained with tears, and he was staring at the rose bushes growing against the brick house a few meters away. When he closed his eyes and reached his hand towards them, he could almost feel the thorns stinging against his compressed fist. He raised his hand and sensed the blood running between his fingers, it’s colour likened to the petals of the scarlet roses. Harry opened his eyes and stared at his empty hand. No wounds, no blood. Nothing visible. Maybe I’m just bleeding inside, he thought letting his arm fall next to him, his mind completely dull.

That’s where his mum found him when she came back from work a few moments later. She was planning on going back to work full-time next week, just like Harry. This week she had visited every day, spending a few hours there working or getting used to the thought of working. Harry was thinking she might be rushing her return, but she had insisted this would be the best solution, saying this way she would have something else to do other than sitting home alone. Maybe she knew what she was doing after all. At least, she seemed to be in much better shape than Harry right now. He was really pathetic.

“Harry, sweetie, why are you sitting here?” Anne asked, worry hovering over her face. She hesitated a bit, but sat down next to him despite her skirt. At least it was black, so the damp grass probably wouldn’t ruin it permanently.

Harry shrugged, feeling like a complete fool.

“C’mon, honey. I can see you’ve been crying and something is bothering you.” Anne touched his hand encouraging him to talk.

“It’s just so silly and really nothing.” Harry answered, pulling up a bunch of grass, letting his gaze follow his own ministrations.

“It’s obviously not nothing. Just tell me, please.” Anne begged, keeping her eyes on her son.

Harry sighed and raised his gaze, staring straight ahead.

“I just bumped into Mrs Collins. And before that it was Mr Smith and just a few moments earlier I had seen Mrs Thompson. They were all expressing their condolences.” Harry explained, tearing the grass in his hands knowing his words made no sense.

“I know they all meant well and they were genuinely sorry, but going over the same conversation with all of them just after I’d managed to spend a few moments without thinking of him, it just all felt too much. Like, every time I hear those words, it rips wounds open and it starts to hurt again.”

“I know, sweetie, I know.” Anne said mirroring Harry’s position leaning against the fence. “It’s hard, but like you said they only meant well. I have noticed it’s very hard for many people to confront a mourning person. It’s easier for them to use well known phrases and even if it hurts, you really can’t do anything but have the same conversation again and again with each of them. Maybe someday it won’t hurt so much.”

“So, you don’t think I’m being completely unfair then?” Harry asked, rubbing the remaining grass between his fingers.

“No, I don’t. And I know you too well, you would never let them know how you feel. You are allowed to have feelings that aren’t always so rational.” Anne comforted him.

“Sometimes I feel I don’t even have the right to mourn him like I have done.” Harry confessed to his mum, just like he had to Louis the previous week.

“Why do you feel like that?” Anne asked quietly.

“Because he wasn’t even my real dad.” Harry said, staring at his grass stained fingers.

“He has been a father figure to you for many years. You weren’t blood relatives, but that doesn’t change the fact that he was family and a very important person in your life and vice versa.” Anne said repeating, almost word for word, what Louis had told him before.

“Sometimes, I even think if it was my real dad who had died, would I be this sad?” Harry whispered feeling ashamed of his own thoughts.

“Oh, Harry. Don’t torture yourself with those kind of thoughts. Everyone’s grief is different. You love your dad, I know that.” Harry nodded agreeingly. 

“And you loved Robin. Your love for them is different, so I think it would be unfair to compare them to each other anyway. And right now, your dad is very much alive, so it makes this even more unnecessary.” Anne said lightly touching the cross necklace hanging on Harry’s neck. She had given it to him many years ago and Harry has never taken it off ever since.

“Yeah?” Harry asked, taking his mum’s hand which was still touching the crucifix and she nodded. They stayed there quietly, Harry mulling over Anne’s words. They always seem to be words of wisdom. She knew Harry so well.

“Should we go inside?” Anne said after a while and nodded towards the house. “Gemma should be here soon, too. You could help me make tea.”

She didn’t mention the funeral. She didn’t have to. They all tried not to think about it and it was something they were all dreading. Harry had no idea how they would get through it.

But somehow they did. Not that Harry could remember much. There was a chapel and flowers. There were many faces, but they were all blurry. There were kind words and farewells, but somehow they all felt bland. There was music that made Harry cry while his fingers held tightly onto his cross necklace. He had never been religious, but the necklace still gave him some strange sense of strength. In moments like this, Harry just wanted to believe in something, was it God or something else, he didn’t know. And it really didn’t even matter. Maybe it was just something spiritual without any specific source. Something that gave him the comfort and peace he needed to get through it all.

When the funeral was over, the peace was still within him. It was a weird feeling. Like after almost two weeks, he was finally able to breathe without fearing how much the next inhalation would hurt. How long this feeling would stay, he didn’t know. But at least it was giving him a small break for now.

*

When Harry arrived back in New York after the funeral, Louis was waiting for him at JFK. Harry had said he could easily just take a cab, but Louis had insisted he would come to pick him up. Harry had managed to compromise with Louis, he would sit in the car waiting instead of in the arrivals terminal. It wasn’t that he expected Louis to be photographed, but Harry didn’t want to take any chances. He really wasn’t in the mood to be in some dodgy pictures on Twitter. Usually it wasn’t that big of a problem, but now, even the thought of it made him feel sick.

Of course, Louis had agreed to do what Harry wanted. He had sent the location of where the car was waiting and Harry walked there carrying his small over-the-shoulder bag. There was a shining black Mercedes parked near the doors and when Harry approached it, the back door opened. Harry’s heart was beating faster and his stomach was churning with a thousand butterflies. They hadn’t seen each other for ten days since Louis left Holmes Chapel and now Harry was feeling like he was going on a first date with the love of his life, his hands were all sweaty and his nerves were suddenly on edge.

But when Harry slid himself into the back seat next to Louis, it was soon gone. It was just him and the boy he loved so much clinging to each other, arms wrapped tightly and lips pressed together. When tears started to fall down his face, Harry couldn’t tell if they were his or Louis’. Small whispered words were exchanged before Harry snuggled himself into Louis' side. It was so comforting and familiar, and just what Harry needed.

He had had this strange, almost too calm, feeling since the funeral. He was nearly relaxed and happy, but underneath he knew it was all a false sense of security and one snap of a finger could make it all fall down again. The string inside of him had already started to stretch, just waiting to snap again. All Harry needed now was relief. Even for a moment, if it couldn’t last forever. When they were back at Louis’ house, Harry couldn’t wait anymore.

He kissed Louis hard and dragged him into the bedroom, begging him to give him what he needed. His stubble was stinging against Harry’s skin, making it burn like it was on fire. Making him feel alive. He wanted Louis to fuck him so hard, wreck him so he would forget that the last couple of weeks ever existed. And Louis did what he asked. He was able to forget his own insecurities for a moment and give Harry the roughness he pleaded for.

Louis’ mouth was harsher than it had ever been, biting and tasting Harry. His hands were roughly roaming all over his tensed body, twisting his puffy nipples, fingers leaving marks on Harry’s hips when he finally pushed inside Harry and started to pound into him mercilessly. Harry was pressing his face against the pillow, only choked breaths coming out as the sound of skin slapping skin was filling the room and Harry was rocking his hips back desperately chasing after his relief. It was getting closer and closer with every hard thrust and when Harry’s back started to arch as a sign of an upcoming orgasm, Louis pulled his hair strongly, forcing his head up from the pillow making Harry come with an almost painful sounding shout. Harry’s body was still shaking with aftershocks when Louis finally pushed himself over the edge, Harry’s muscles still clenching around him.

For a moment there was only the sound of heavy breathing in the room. Louis pulled out carefully and got rid of the condom. He laid down next to Harry and kissed him so sweetly and carefully, the total opposite of the harshness of their fucking only moments ago. Harry’s eyes were prickling with tears; of pain, grief, tenderness, and love. All the emotions were mixing in his head and it felt almost too much and too little at the same time.

And after a while when Louis whispered to him, “Welcome home, love,” Harry finally realised where his home was. It wasn’t in England, nor in New York. His home wasn’t a place anymore, it was a person.

His home was wherever he was with Louis. 

  
  



	16. Chapter 16

[ Metallica - Nothing Else Matters ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tAGnKpE4NCI)

Louis

August, 2017

It had been a month since Harry had come back from England and September was already knocking on the door. The weather was still nice and warm, and the mugginess of the summer had faded away making the weather much more pleasant. It was also perfect for Louis’ plans for today.

Harry had started to work as soon as he had returned home and his daily routines had been helping him to cope with his grief. He still appeared to be in that blissful state of mind after the funeral where everything seemed to be good. Louis remembered that all too well. 

Of course, it was all false, but it seemed to give Harry a little mercy before it would all start to fall apart again. It could be weeks, or it could be months, but one day he would find himself on the edge of the cliff falling deeper and deeper until he hit rock bottom. For Louis, it had taken over a year to climb his way back up from there. He was still on his way, but now instead of laying on agonisingly painful peaks and bleeding, he had been able to hoist himself up so much so that he was still bleeding but the new wounds had stopped appearing. He had done it with the help of Harry and when it would be Harry’s turn to do the same, Louis would be there for him. 

That thought made him almost crack a smile. Almost. Because somehow, he still felt the sharpness of the rocks against his back again, but now for a very different reason. When Harry had caught him vomiting in the loo on that horrible day, Louis had felt the same desperation and helplessness. It was hurting like hell, but it had also helped him to make the miniscule climb upwards as his secret had finally been uncovered. Only to Harry, of course, but uncovered nonetheless. Maybe it had been the push he had needed to finally get his shit together.

Louis took the last drag and puffed it out while walking back inside. Harry was upstairs where Louis had sequestered him, so he wouldn’t find his surprise. Blue was waiting for him in the kitchen and her curious eyes followed Louis’ every movement. When he settled next to the work top, the cat jumped onto it looking intrigued. She and Harry had basically been living in Louis’ house since Harry had arrived back from England. It had been comforting for both of them, being alone wasn’t ideal for Harry and Louis couldn’t deny the same either. Living together itself had been easy and natural, there hadn’t been any problems with it.

But it didn’t make things easy for Louis.

Certainly, it helped that they had regular times for meals and situations had eased a lot since July. Robin’s illness had been a stress factor for both of them, there was no denying it. It wasn’t easy now either, but it was different. His attacks had become less frequent, but they still were there. There was no way Harry didn’t know, when he sometimes snuck out of the house looking wild and anxious, only to return afterwards looking guilty and ashamed, but much calmer. He just let Louis curl up next to him, petting his hair soothingly. It didn’t remove his self-hatred, but it helped him in many other ways. Most importantly was that he wasn’t alone anymore.

They still had their Big Talk ahead and the day it was going to happen was getting closer and closer by the minute. Louis could feel it. What had surprised him the most, was that he wanted to talk about it. It was going to be an extremely painful conversation, he knew it, but at the same time he wanted to tell Harry everything. Hoping he would understand, even if Louis himself couldn’t.

Louis sighed and scratched Blue behind her ear before starting to gather their lunch from the fridge. He wanted to spoil Harry and was planning to take him on a picnic in Central Park. It sounded romantic, but also very cliché, and that’s why Louis was sure Harry would love it. Louis himself wasn’t that sappy, at least he wouldn’t admit it, but what he wouldn’t do for his boy. If Harry was happy, Louis was happy too. 

And now, Harry deserved all the happiness he could provide him.

Louis took their backpacks from the floor and started to pack. He already had a picnic quilt in the second bag and he slipped a bottle of Harry’s favourite red in beside it, the soft fabric providing protection for the glass. He packed a few cups and a small picnic set with plates and cutlery into the same bag. Harry would have gone nuts if Louis had a proper picnic basket, Louis could tell. He had thought about buying one, but practicality had to come first, after all. He unzipped the first bag and pulled out a soft cooler bag, starting to pack food into it. Once he had finished, he slipped it inside of the backpack. Louis carried the bags to the foyer and climbed upstairs to get Harry.

Muffled sounds of guitar strumming were emanating from the music room, but after hearing Louis’ steps from the stairs, Harry immediately stopped playing. Harry’s cheeks were flushed and he smiled bashfully, almost like he was trying to hide something.

“Hey, love. What were you playing? I don’t think I’ve ever heard that song before.” Louis asked curiously. He had only heard a short snippet before Harry had ended it so quickly.

“Umm— it was just something I heard and wanted to try to play.” Harry said non specifically and stood up. He quickly turned his back to Louis to put the guitar back on its stand. There was something about his movements that made Louis certain Harry was feeding him little white lies.

“Erm, ok…” Louis narrowed his eyes suspiciously. Harry was a shit liar and now, he was definitely trying to pull one over on Louis despite his lack of skills. Why, that was his next question. He didn’t have time to think about it more as Harry almost leapt up next to Louis and arched him in an old-style Hollywood kiss.

“What was that for?” Louis laughed when they eventually pulled apart.

“I have always wanted to try it and now seemed like the right time to do it.” Harry grinned dimples on display. “Did you like it?”

“It certainly was different. Maybe not for everyday though. I think my back would give out at some point.” Louis rose to his tiptoes and kissed Harry’s nose. Just because he could.

“But I can do it again some time?” Harry asked, tilting his head and smiling. He was so damn beautiful and Louis couldn’t help but nod. Happiness was radiating from Harry and Louis knew his own face was mirroring that feeling. His cheeks were hurting after smiling so widely.

“So, is my surprise ready?” Harry tugged at Louis’ shirt impatiently. His beauty had distracted Louis from the fact that there was a four year old kid living inside Harry’s incredible body and that child was taking control again.

“Yeah, I just came to pick you up.” Louis smiled and intertwined their fingers leading Harry downstairs.

“Am I dressed ok?” Harry asked, stopping as they passed by Louis’ bedroom. “Should I change?”

“Nah, shorts and t-shirt are perfect. Just get your sunglasses and maybe a hat if you want to. We’re going to be outside and it’s sunny.” Louis let his gaze drop onto Harry’s shorts. Today they were the normal length black ones, not like the yellow ones he had been wearing on the beach this summer. They had been obscene, showing everything Harry had to offer underneath them. Which was a  _ lot _ , may he add… The whole day had been a torment for Louis, fighting against his lust, and later that night when he had been able to peel them off… 

Yeah, it had been a good night.

There was no time to reminisce about it now, otherwise they wouldn’t be leaving the house till dark. Louis just gulped down the memories and dragged Harry downstairs to where their bags were waiting near the front door. They put their shoes on and Louis handed the other backpack to Harry.

“Sorry, love, but you have to do your own share. And no peeking!” Louis reminded him, shaking his index finger when he saw Harry weighing the bag, trying to guess what was inside.

“I wasn’t going to peek.” Harry said but Louis didn’t believe him. Once again; a shit liar.

“Whatever you say, love. Let’s go.” 

They started to walk towards the subway station hand in hand. It felt so natural and Louis never really thought about it anymore. Since they had started to date, there had been pictures circulating on Twitter and even some articles written about them. They had all been pretty subtle and not as bad as Louis had dreaded. But it had also been a surprise for him to notice he really didn’t care what they wrote. He was happy with Harry and it was nobody else’s business. He just didn’t want to hide anymore. He had said the same thing to Harry too, when he had been worried about the slight publicity their relationship had gained, making Harry smile with relief.

It didn’t take too long for them to reach the 14 th Street subway station. Even though it was warm and pleasant outside, the underground was sticky and hot as it always was in the summer. The heat eased up as soon as they stepped inside the air conditioned train. When they had passed Columbus Circle, Louis saw a small glint in Harry’s eyes indicating that he might have guessed their destination. Louis sensed he was dying to ask, but by some miracle he kept quiet. Maybe that’s why Harry was very eager to plant small kisses to Louis’ hairline as they stood in a packed subway train; just to ease his own excitement.

When they eventually climbed up the stairs leading out of 86 th Street Station, Central Park unfolding before them, Harry let out a small squeal of joy.

“You brought me to Central Park? For a picnic?” His eyes were shining and his dimples seemed to have grown bigger than ever. Louis didn’t answer, he just made a zipper sign against his lips. Harry grabbed his hand tighter as they strolled lazily towards the Great Lawn. Of course, it was crowded with weather like this, but they were still able to find a nice spot around the edge to settle in.

“Ok, now you can open your bag.” Louis grinned to Harry who enthusiastically did so and pulled out the quilt spreading it on the green grass. They sat on it and Louis took the food out.

“You made me a picnic.” Harry breathed out. “No one has ever done that for me.” His voice was trembling a bit and his eyes were blinking a tad too rapidly behind his sunglasses.

“Anything for you, baby.” Louis said leaning over to kiss him sweetly on the lips and let his finger brush Harry’s slightly dampened cheekbone. “Please, don’t cry.”

“I’m just so happy, Lou.” Harry sniffed and rubbed his eyes before lowering his sunglasses again.

“Are you hungry?” Louis asked softly.

“Yeah, I’m starving. What do you have here?” Harry was about to open the cooler bag, but Louis slapped his hand off gently.

“Tsk tsk.” Louis clicked his tongue. “You are the guest of honour, so just relax and wait to be served.”

He pulled out a couple different kinds of salads and cuts of cold chicken. There was also some hummus, cream cheese and a fresh baguette. For dessert Louis had chosen strawberries and cherries. Louis opened the red wine and poured it into plastic cups and handed one to Harry, along with a plate.

“Now, dig in.” Louis smiled, hiding the wine bottle from public view.

“Did you make these yourself?” Harry asked, as he scooped potato salad onto his plate.

“I promise, I picked them up all by myself from the deli section of the Whole Foods Market.” Louis nodded firmly, making Harry giggle. Louis rolled his eyes but couldn’t hide the fond. He loved this goofy boy so much. He loved the way Harry was able to enjoy the little things in his life and how they created the look of pure happiness on his face. Harry made him feel like a sappy old fool as he felt the big smile appear on his own face.

They took their time eating and enjoying their meal. Everything tasted good, or was it the company that made the simple food taste so special? Perhaps it was a combination of both. Afterwards, they packed their leftovers into the cooler bag, just leaving the berries out. Louis folded Harry’s backpack into a not so comfortable pillow and laid his head on it. Harry was using Louis’ belly as a pillow as they lazily watched kids playing near them.

“Do you want to have kids?” Harry asked, suddenly making Louis’ heart flicker. Harry was still looking at the kids but something in his posture disclosed some insecurity. Was he afraid of the question or the answer, Louis couldn’t tell.

“Yeah. I have always wanted them. I just never thought it would be possible for me.” Louis confessed quietly and stroked his thumb against Harry’s chest.

“Yeah?” Harry let out a big breath, like he had been holding it in whilst he’d been waiting for Louis’ answer. He took a quick glance at Louis over his sunglasses before moving back to his original position, staring into the distance.

“Yeah.” Louis confirmed and Harry placed his hand on top of Louis’ smaller one. Harry played with their fingers for a while before letting them slide between each other, intertwining them.

“Why did you think it wasn’t possible for you?” Harry asked softly after a small pause.

“I was so deep in the closet.” Louis replied with pain audible in his voice. “And I never thought I would find someone who would want to have children with me.”

“Do you still feel that way?” Harry asked, tilting his head towards Louis. He lifted his sunglasses to rest on the top of his head and the sudden brightness made him squint his eyes. Louis felt his breathing get heavier when their eyes locked and he wanted to blame the sun for the sudden tingle behind his lids. His throat felt tight when he finally shook his head.

“I think I have found that someone. If he wants me.” His words were barely above a whisper. Louis wasn’t even sure if he managed to say them aloud but if Harry’s beaming eyes were anything to go by, he had heard them loud and clear.

Harry hoisted himself up and cupped Louis' jaw with his big hands.

“He wants you for sure.” Harry whispered and closed the gap between them. His lips were so soft and plump as Louis sunk into them, tasting the last of the summer berries on them. The kiss was long and tender with lips slightly parted, tongues meeting in the middle.

Louis didn’t know how that had happened. Their laid-back afternoon fun had out of the blue taken an unexpected turn into an unspoken promise to have family together in the future. It should have been scary as hell for a couple who had only been dating for three short months and haven’t even said “I love you’s” to each other. Aloud anyway. 

But it wasn’t scary. It was just happiness and love that Louis felt and one look towards Harry made it clear that he reflected those feelings.

They stayed there for a moment, just pressing their foreheads together, breathing in unison with stupid smiles on their faces. Louis let his fingers roam along Harry’s arms leaving lovingly light touches that made him shiver. They continued to lay there, just enjoying the sun, both of them letting their minds adjust to the conversation they had just had. The more time went by, the happier Louis felt. There were many things they’d have to solve before these plans could ever take action, but they still had them. Someday they would be a family, Louis was certain of that, and that thought left a permanent smile on his face.

But everything good must come to an end at some point, and so did their picnic. Louis still had a couple of tricks up his sleeve for their afternoon together as they started to walk towards downtown through the lush park. Well, maybe not tricks exactly, but if Harry wanted to do them Louis was happy to follow. 

Because Harry was Harry, it wasn’t hard to guess that he wanted to try the row boats. Within 30 minutes they had managed to advance maybe two, three hundred meters tops from the shoreline. Maybe it wasn’t the most romantic of boat trips, but at least they had a lot of fun as they tried to get it back onto shore. That was one of the things Louis loved most about their relationship, there was always laughter.

They strolled along the Mall until they reached the end and Louis guided them onto the path leading to the right. Eventually, a red brick building appeared in front of them and when Harry realised what it was, he grabbed Louis’ hand tightly.

“Can we go on the Carousel, Lou?” Harry said letting his inner child take over once again. Of course, Louis had known Harry would love this old-fashioned merry-go-round. That was the reason why he had chosen this route for them to walk. Louis bought them tickets and after queuing for a short while they were let on. Harry chose the big white horse and climbed happily onto it, meanwhile Louis picked the one next to Harry’s.

Soon, the music started to stream and the carousel began to spin. The joy was visible on Harry’s face and Louis couldn’t help but dig out his phone and take pictures of him. One of Louis’ favourites was the one where Harry was holding the horse, his eyes closed with a dreamy expression and a smile on his lips. He looked so ethereal and care-free, like Prince Charming on his horse. The whole day seemed like a fairytale, so it definitely made sense.

*

Later, when they had arrived back home and were sitting on the swing in the garden, Harry suddenly jumped up.

“Oh, wait here. I just remembered something. I’ll be back in a minute.” He shouted and rushed inside the house. A couple of minutes later he returned carrying something in his hand.

“This is for you.” Harry said and shyly handed Louis a white envelope.

“For me?” Louis asked, confused.

“Yeah, for you. Open it.” Harry said eagerly, rosey spots coloring his cheeks.

“Ok.” Louis opened it and carefully pulled out a pink card.

**You have been invited to see Harry Styles performing live on Saturday 2** **nd** **of September, 2017.**

Louis read Harry’s handwriting, below was the name and address of the bar.

“Oh.” Louis breathed. “You’re doing a gig? And you haven’t told me!”

“I’m telling you now. I promised I would give you a personal invitation when I performed next time, and now you have it.” Harry smiled timidly.

“Thank you!” Louis hugged him. “I will be there, absolutely.”

Louis took a better look at the invitation. The name of the bar seemed vaguely familiar and it was located on the Lower East Side.

“Harry…? Is this the same bar where we met for the first time?” Louis asked furrowing his brows.

“Yeah. I’ve performed there a few times before and they asked me if I could come again.” Harry tried to sound nonchalant, but he was definitely pleased. Louis knew it.

“I really can’t wait to see you on stage, you know.” Louis tugged Harry’s sleeve lightly.

“I can’t wait to see you in the audience. But you will make me nervous.” Harry answered, biting his lower lip.

“You’re gonna nail it. I know you will. And if you want, I can be invisible there, so you don’t have to see me.” Louis suggested but Harry didn’t like the idea at all.

“No, I want to see you when I sing.” Harry pouted. “And even if I didn’t see you I would sense you there. So, it wouldn’t make a difference anyway.”

“Good, because I want to see you properly too.” Louis smiled.

“It’s a deal then.”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah.” Harry nodded and sealed their deal with a kiss.

*

The week flew by and soon it was the night of Harry’s gig. He was getting ready in a small room backstage and Louis was sitting at the table near the stage with Liam and Zayn. Harry had already been here for a couple of hours, but they had just arrived and were having their first beer. There was someone on stage starting her set and after her, it would be Harry’s turn.

Louis’ hands were sweating like he was the one who was going to perform. Nervous butterflies were floating in his stomach and he was on the verge of throwing up. How could he have this kind of stage fright for Harry? He was amazing and Louis knew it, but it still didn’t swipe the nervousness away. He tried to chat with his friends and listen to the music playing right now, but it was too difficult to concentrate. He just settled in his seat and took a sip every now and then, only becoming aware of when the music stopped. He glanced towards the empty stage and swallowed hard. His heart was pounding fast as they finally announced Harry on the stage.

He looked stunning. Absolutely gorgeous.

He was wearing the same exact outfit he had been wearing on that chilly Friday in February when they had bumped to each other after all those years, Louis realised. Black skinnies painted on his gorgeous legs, a white t-shirt with a pink shirt unbuttoned on top of it. Somehow this all had a deeper meaning in Louis’ mind. He didn’t know why. 

When Harry started to play Louis forgot his nerves because he was amazing. His voice was deep with a tiny hint of raspiness to it. It was like velvet and Louis wanted to be wrapped in it. Forever. Harry played a few covers and then a couple of songs he had co-written with some of his friends. His time slot was coming to an end quicker than Louis had thought, it was already time for the last song.

“Hiii everyone, thanks for coming here today. You have been amazing.” Harry started to speak. “This is going to be my last song tonight. It’s new, I only wrote a few weeks ago. I hope you like it’.”

Harry played a couple of chords with his guitar.

“It’s called ‘If I could fly’. And Lou, this is for you.” He added causing Louis to go into cardiac arrest. 

_ If I could fly, I'd be coming right back home to you _

_ I think I might give up everything, just ask me to _

_ Pay attention, I hope that you listen cause I let my guard down _

_ Right now I'm completely defenseless _

When he started to sing Louis couldn’t keep tears from falling down his cheeks. The song was so beautiful and the lyrics, they were almost too much. All he was able to do was stare at Harry who was looking straight back at him as he sang and Louis let himself sink into the song.

_ I've got scars, even though they can't always be seen _

_ And pain gets hard, but now you're here and I don't feel a thing _

_ Pay attention, I hope that you listen cause I let my guard down _

_ Right now I'm completely defenseless _

There was a lump in Louis’ throat. He was familiar with the pain Harry was singing about. It was Louis’ own pain and how Harry made him feel. And now Harry was saying the same thing about Louis. It felt sad and comforting at the same time.

_ I can feel your heart inside of mine _

_ I've been going out of my mind _

_ Know that I'm just wasting time _

_ And I hope that you don't run from me _

But hadn’t it always been Louis who had thought Harry would leave him? Not the other way around. Louis was the one with insecurities, and now Harry seemed to be as vulnerable as he had been. He had even said them aloud but the song made Louis finally realise how deep Harry’s fears were too. 

_ For your eyes only, _

_ I show you my heart _

_ For when you're lonely _

_ And forget who you are _

_ I'm missing half of me _

_ When we're apart _

_ Now you know me, for your eyes only _

_ For your eyes only, I show you my heart _

_ For when you're lonely and forget who you are _

_ I'm missing half of me when we're apart _

_ Now you know me, for your eyes only _

_ For your eyes only _

_ For your eyes only _

Harry’s voice faded out but their eyes stayed locked. It was Harry who moved first, he stumbled down the steps from the stage and ran to Louis halting in front of him.

”You wrote me a song.” Louis whispered, tears still in his eyes.

”You made me a picnic.” Harry smiled back foolishly.

”Not exactly the same thing.” Louis huffed and carried on with his soft tone. ”That song was so beautiful. I loved it so, so much.”

”Thank you for being here and belonging in my life. You are my inspiration and I just put the words to it.” Harry said and Louis sniffed. How could he not. Then it hit him – The Feeling.

He knew the time had come.

”Harry, can we talk.” Louis swallowed the lump in his throat trying to keep his voice even. He looked at Harry with steady eyes, even though he was a nervous wreck inside.

”Yeah. I’ll just get my guitar and then we can go home.” Harry had heard the importance and meaning behind “talk” and didn’t need any more explanations. While Harry was away Louis sent a quick text to Zayn who had disappeared somewhere with Liam, asking him to give them some privacy tonight. He didn’t want to take any risk of being disturbed later. Not tonight.

It didn’t take long for Harry to appear again, guitar bag hanging over his shoulder. He took Louis’ hand and guided him out of the bar. Louis loved when Harry, in moments like this, took the leading role so effortlessly. He was like an anchor who kept Louis steady when he was in the middle of the storm and waves were throwing him up and down. He was the force that kept him above the surface and averted him from drowning. 

It was a silent cab drive, neither of them spoke. They were leaning into each other and Harry’s big, warm hand wrapped securely over his gave Louis the feel of security that he needed. He felt secure, but he was definitely still a mess inside. He had waited for this day to come, scared to death at the same time. He really wanted to tell Harry everything, he just didn’t know how. 

But the fact that he wanted to talk, wasn’t going to make things any easier. Even if Harry had been so fucking understanding so far, there was still part of Louis that wasn’t sure if he would still feel the same after hearing all the dirty secrets. That was the same part of him that didn’t want to exchange “I love you’s” before Harry knew everything he needed to.

Louis closed his eyes and didn’t even want to think about the possibility that Harry wanted to use his option to walk out of the door that Louis was keeping ajar. He knew Harry loved him, but still. Louis clutched his hand and Harry answered it by tightening his hold too. The drive felt agonisingly long as thoughts were rushing through Louis’s head, but finally the driver pulled up in front of the familiar looking house. Harry paid for the ride and gently pushed Louis out of the car. In the same comfortable silence they walked to the front door, Louis standing back to let Harry open it (he finally had his own key). They took off their shoes and walked into the living room.

”Do you want to talk here?” Harry asked ”Or somewhere else?”

”I think here is good.” Louis answered and made his way to the sofa.

”Ok. I’ll just make us some tea. I’ll be back soon.” Harry said and disappeared into the kitchen.

Louis crawled into the corner of the sofa and pulled his legs against his chest. He rested his forehead on his knees, hugging his legs trying to remember how to breathe. But his breaths were getting faster and more shallow with every lousy intake he took. He should really concentrate before he would start to hyperventilate. He raised his head and forced his eyes open when Harry emerged into the room. He set the mugs on the table and crouched in front of Louis taking his hands.

”Hey. Breathe with me for a while, love.” Harry said and locked their eyes. ”In. Out. In. Out.”

Harry carried on repeating the same words until he saw Louis regain his normal breathing cadence back. ”We don’t have to do this now if it’s too much.” Harry said, giving him a small squeeze.

Louis gulped labouredly. It would be the easy option to take, to just postpone this whole conversation for later. Then continue to push it back again and again. It was definitely tempting but yet, Louis shook his head.

”No, I want to do this now.” He said nodding firmly.

”Are you sure?” Harry asked one more time and Louis nodded again.

”Ok. Where do you want me to sit?” Once again Louis could have kissed Harry for not presuming Louis wanted him to sit next to him. He would love to sit close to Harry, feel him all the time. But for some reason, he needed to be on his own now. He didn’t know why. He just needed to.

”You could sit there?” Louis was still sitting in the corner. He pointed to the other end of the sofa. Harry would be able to sit there comfortably and they would still be able to see each other.

Harry nodded and Louis watched as he settled down. His back was against the arm rest and he was slightly leaning towards the backrest, his tea in his right hand, eyes focused on Louis. 

Louis tasted his tea and was pleased with it. Harry really knew how to make his tea right. He kept sipping it silently until it had all gone. Then he sighed and placed the cup on the table, already missing the comfort it gave his hands.

”I don’t know where to start.” Louis sighed quietly after the long silence.

”Does it help if I ask you questions and you can answer? Niall does the same for me sometimes when it’s hard for me to talk about something.” Harry asked and Louis nodded thankfully.

”We are talking about you having an eating disorder, aren’t we.” Harry finally said. It wasn’t even a proper question, more of a statement.

Louis closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He felt like he was going to pass out any second now. He swallowed hard and opened his eyes only to meet Harry’s warm green one’s already on his face.

”Yeah. I think... I think I might have bulimia.” Louis breathed out and wanted to cry. Maybe out of shame, but it was more likely just because he felt so damn relieved. It was the first time he had said it aloud to another person and he was glad that person happened to be Harry. He felt like a burden had been lifted from his shoulders and he didn’t have to carry it alone anymore. He had someone who could share the weight with him.

Harry nodded like it was a confirmation of his thoughts. There was no judgement or pity in his gaze, like Louis had feared.

Harry hesitated a bit with his next question. ”When did this all start?” He finally asked.

”I don’t think I can pinpoint a certain moment.” Louis started closing his eyes again. Why was this so fucking hard? All he wanted was to reach for Harry’s hand and grip it so hard, but something inside him wasn’t letting him. This was something he needed to do by himself. And then later, if Harry still wanted to be there, he could help him.

But for now, it was just him.

”When I moved to Los Angeles, it was the first time I’d ever lived alone. In a strange country, thousands of miles away from my family. I had just been thrown into a totally new world in so many ways. My career was moving forward faster than I could adjust to it and I was having trouble keeping up with everything happening around me. I didn’t really have friends in the beginning, like proper friends. Of course, I had Zayn and my mum. But they weren’t  _ there _ .” Louis looked up again and curled up into the corner a bit more. He took a quick glance at Harry before he went on.

”Don’t get me wrong, I really enjoyed what I did. Of course, I did! I was living my dream and I loved it. I still do.” Louis smiled at the happy memories. ”I was so thrilled. Everything was new and exciting, it was the life I never imagined I’d be living.”

”But at the same time, I was still this little boy. Even though I had to take on responsibilities quite early in my life, after my dad ditched us. I was still a mummy’s boy at heart and I missed her so much. We had always been close and suddenly she wasn’t there anymore. Of course, she was there for me in spirit, she always was. But you know what I mean. Time zones and stuff, it wasn’t always so easy to talk to her.”

”Yeah, I know that.” Harry nodded, but then quieted again letting Louis carry on.

”It was so easy after long days at work to go home and curl into the corner of the sofa with a tub of ice cream or whatever it was at the time. It just felt so comforting. And because it felt good, I kept doing it. It wasn’t something I even felt guilty about.” Louis pulled his legs closer to his chest again, looking for comfort when he was hugging them. He stayed there for a moment just staring at the painting on the wall before he let them go. Instead, he tucked one leg under his bum.

”I have always exercised a lot, first football and then dancing. I knew I had to keep myself in good shape. And I thought I was.” Louis closed his eyes and took a deep breath. ”It was quite a shock when one stylist told me once I had gained weight and I really should watch what I eat. He said he didn’t want to create a new wardrobe for my character just because I got fat.”

Louis heard Harry’s sharp intake of breath. ”They shouldn’t say things like that.” He said with an angry voice.

”Yeah, they shouldn’t. But it’s a reality in show business. And even if I understand why they say those things, it still hurts. I know that everyone isn’t as sensitive as I was.” Louis looked at Harry only to see him still frowning at Louis’ words. Then suddenly his expression changed to horrified.

”I did that, too.” He whispered his face all pale.

”What…?” Louis asked, voice laced with confusion.

”To you. When we were skating. I said something about your bum. Like it was big or something like that. I shouldn’t have said something like that.” Guilt was audible in his voice.

”I didn’t take it that way. And also, you didn’t know back then.” Louis answered. He remembered the incident, but not in a bad way. Harry had blurted words of admiration about his ass making him almost blush.

Yeah, definitely not insulted.

”But isn’t that kind of the point? You never know how the other one takes your words? You don’t necessarily know their backgrounds, just like I didn’t know yours. A simple word, without malicious intent, might have been taken in a very different way.” Harry said and Louis couldn’t disagree.

”Yeah, that’s true, too. But just to let you know, I didn’t take it as an insult.” Louis smiled at Harry who visibly looked relieved.

”I will never do it again. To anyone. I think I’ve learnt my lesson.” Harry swore.

”That’s good. Now, where was I?” Louis paused to think of what he had been telling Harry before he had stopped him. ”Yes. I was about to say, I think it has always been quite easy for me to gain weight, I’ve had curves and I’ve had thick thighs.” Louis explained.

”You have never been fat, I have seen pictures.” Harry told him immediately.

Louis shrugged. ”Probably not. But I was curvy. And I think I liked my curves at the time. But Hollywood standards are very different to normal standards and those standards told me I was fat.”

”I think his words stung so much because it made me feel guilty. I knew I was having treats almost everyday. I tried to give them up, but I couldn’t. It felt like losing your safe place or something.” Louis’ memories still burn a hole in his chest.

”So, I started to avoid eating during the days and by doing that I allowed myself to keep my nightly routines in front of telly. I felt totally lost, if I wasn’t able to do that. It had become such a strong habit. But if I think about it now, it still wasn’t out of control. It definitely wasn’t normal behaviour either, but I didn’t see it.” Louis wanted to cry. How easy would it have been to stop back then. From what he knew now, it had been the first baby steps towards a severe eating disorder. But it had felt so good, how could it have been wrong?

He voiced his thoughts aloud to Harry, too.

”I have been reading about eating disorders since I found out. I think it’s really common that at first, it makes you feel good. That’s treacherous, because when you finally start to notice something might be wrong, you are already too deep.” Harry said cautiously, watching Louis’ reaction to his words.

Louis nodded. ”Yeah, might be that. For me, it took a long time to realise that something was wrong. Everything was developing at a slow pace at first.”

”But it got worse at some point.” Harry stated.

”Yeah. Like I said, the timelines are quite blurry. But, do you remember when those articles about me and Zayn started to appear?” Louis asked, keeping his eyes on Harry.

”Yeah.” Harry grunted and Louis saw a flash of jealousy in his eyes before he managed to school his expression.

”Haz, no need to be jealous. You know that.” Louis captured Harry’s gaze and forced him to look at him. ”Don’t you?”

”Yeah.” Harry said after a while. ”Sorry.” Somehow Harry’s jealousy made Louis smile inside. Louis didn’t like it if someone was too possessive, but in small amounts, it was kind of flattering.

”Good. There is never a reason for you to be jealous of anyone.” Louis said and Harry nodded with a little smile.

”Anyway, when the rumours about me and Zayn began to circulate, things started to get complicated. At some point they said we couldn’t be seen together anymore which was ridiculous. He was my best friend and suddenly strangers were telling me I can’t be around him in public!” Louis flinched at the memories. So far the conversation had been much easier than he had dreaded after his first confession, but now the lump in his throat was back and it was suffocating him slowly.

”It was around that time that I first binge-ate so much that I threw up afterwards.” Louis’ voice was thin and the words were struggling to come out of his mouth. If only he could turn back time and take back that first instance, maybe he wouldn’t be in this situation right now. He felt tears burning his eyelids and it was only a matter of seconds before they would fall down his cheeks. He wiped his still dry eyes before carrying on.

”Somehow that became a habit too. Just like watching tv with treats had been before. This was like an ugly upgrade to it. Old methods didn’t help me anymore and I needed something stronger to survive.” His breathing was heavy again. He tipped his head against the back of the couch and tried to regain his normal rhythm. He closed his eyes for a moment giving himself time and the courage to keep talking.

”At first, I didn’t even understand how sick my behaviour was.” Louis popped his eyes open and continued to talk staring at the ceiling like he was in a trance. He wasn’t talking about himself anymore, he was talking about someone who looked awfully like him, but somehow was a total stranger. ”It was a method for relieving my stress, it still is. It just felt good. It was something I needed to cope.”

”But after a while, I realised it definitely wasn’t normal and I tried to quit. But I think it just made it worse. When I fought against it, the urge grew bigger and bigger all the time. Eventually, I just had to give in to it. Afterwards, I felt so ashamed and I hated myself for being so weak.” Louis angrily wiped his tears away.

”And this happened four, five years ago?” Harry asked quietly and Louis startled like he had just remembered Harry was there too.

”Yeah, pretty much. Like I said earlier, the timelines are quite blurry. I don’t remember exactly when things happened, but I remember the way it made me feel.” Louis stared at the wall, hoping that in some miraculous way it would provide answers to the questions he didn’t even have.

”Has it been everyday since then?” Harry’s voice was even, nearly too even. Like he was straining it to come out that way. Which he probably was.

Louis shook his head. ”No, thank God! Sometimes it’s once a week, even less often. But there have been times when it has been many days in a row and I really struggled to cut it off. But it definitely follows my feelings. When I’m feeling good and I’m busy, it’s easier. It’s there, of course, and sometimes I get the urge even if I’m good otherwise. But when everything else sucks too, you know.” Louis shrugged his shoulders powerlessly.

”Do you want to tell me about Eleanor?” There was a hesitation in Harry’s voice. ”You don’t have to, if you don’t want to.” He added quickly.

”Harry, it’s ok. I think that was the meaning of this conversation. I want to tell you about my past, because I don’t want to have secrets anymore.” Louis gave him a little smile and Harry relaxed again. If Louis had been a nervous wreck, then so was Harry.

”Eleanor.” Louis sighed. ”When I first met her, she seemed nice. She was pretty and quite shy. She had a good sense of humour and I think if we had met in different circumstances, we could have become good friends. But at that time, she represented me losing my freedom and I hated her for that.”

”Maybe she had had different kinds of expectations as to what being my fake girlfriend entailed, I don’t know. But as time went by, she got bitter. She had earned a name for herself and even fans of her own, but her career still didn’t take off. I think it changed her. She had been sweet in the beginning, but as time went by, she got greedy. She wanted more money, more attention, more opportunities.” Louis shifted on the couch and was now facing Harry.

”When my contract with Simon finally ended, I wanted Eleanor to go, too. There was no way I would keep her around. She got really mad, even if she knew her contract was ending. She was family friends with Simon, they were both bitter and did what they could to destroy my reputation. There were the headlines about her being pregnant with my baby and then losing it because of something I did. It was horrible and I was in very hard times. It was getting worse and worse every day, not just in my public but in my private life too. And then mum got sick.” Louis swallowed the tears and forced himself to carry on.

”I returned to England. Of course I did. I had six underaged siblings at home and a mum with leukemia. The first couple of months she was able to be home, but then she was hospitalised. Around that same time she was told that her cancer was terminal. She was going to die.” Louis paused again pressing his palms against his face. He took a few deep breaths before letting his hands drop to his lap.

”So far, we had all been sure she would make it and then suddenly our hopes were shattered. Our family had always been very close, but her sickness brought us even closer. And yet, I don’t know how we were able to keep ourselves in one piece during her illness.” Louis said to the sofa cushion he was picking at.

”I definitely had my own methods of dealing with it. But it was a bit different then. I was so busy taking care of my family and in the evenings I was so tired, I just collapsed into bed. Only now do I realise that I might have only eaten bowls of cereal in the morning and nothing else all day. Despite my lack of food, I still had my urges. There were less of them, but when I had them, they were really bad.” He was reliving, through his story, the moments he had wanted to forget forever. The room was silent, but Harry’s presence was so strong and it gave him the courage to keep talking.

”Then came November and there was a notable change for the worse. The last month we were basically just waiting. But she was persistent even then, she just didn’t want to give up. It was horrible to watch and my heart broke every day. But when she finally passed away, I felt relieved.” He closed his eyes only to open them seconds later. He reached to take his mug from the coffee table even if he knew it was empty. He just needed something else to do with his hands.

”Of course, I was sad and heartbroken, how could I not be? Yet I was glad it was finally over and I felt so fucking guilty for it. It’s not hard to guess how I handled my grief and guilt.” Louis said staring into the mug before gripping his fingers tighter around it.

”I stayed at home for six months after she died and then I had to go. I just couldn’t be there anymore. I had already sold my house in LA and my estate agent had found me a house in New York that she wanted me to see and so I went. I bought this house and I’ve never been back until this May when you asked me to.” Louis talked through the memories, the cool ceramic of the mug pressing against his fingers was weirdly comforting for him.

”Then I was alone with my thoughts in this big, empty house. I believed that if I wasn’t in England, it would be easier for me.” Louis let out a harsh laugh. ”Now all I had was time. Time to think. But, I just couldn’t let myself think anymore, because it hurt too much. I did what I knew, I suffocated my feelings with food. And when I started to do it daily, I didn’t know how to stop it. I think that was when I asked Zayn to move in with me. If I had someone else in the house, I couldn’t do things so easily. It helped a bit, but it didn’t stop me. Of course not. After years, I knew it would be stupid to even think it could. But I managed to stop the cycle and that was a big win in itself at that moment.”

”And now?” Harry asked. Louis finally raised his head to look at him properly as he answered.

”It’s still there, obviously. When I’m happy, there can be longer periods without any attacks. But if I get stressed, I don’t know any other ways to cope.” Louis shrugged. ”The time before Robin’s death was pretty hard for me. It just brought up too many memories about mum. And I think you’ll have noticed when you were living here, that sometimes I just had to get away. I just can’t help myself.”

”How does it feel?” Harry asked quietly. ”You said you can’t help yourself and I’d like to understand what’s going on inside of your head.”

”That makes two of us.” Louis laughed dryly.

”You don’t have to explain. Only if you’re comfortable doing so.” Harry said, looking cautious again.

”I can try.” Louis said rolling the mug between his hands, thinking of how to tell Harry about something he had never put into words before. ”It varies from one day to another. I think... at the beginning… it was more planned. I already knew in the morning what I was going to do in the evening. During the day I thought about what I was going to buy and then I executed the plan later.”

”But nowadays it usually hits really fast. It’s a weird restless feeling that I just can’t get to disappear. No matter what I do, I can’t focus on anything else. I try to fight against it, but usually when the feeling comes, I already know I won’t win the battle. It’s just too overpowering. Like someone is pushing you to do something you know is wrong and makes you feel bad. But at the same time it’s the only thing you want to do. You need to do it. Even if I already hate it, I just can’t stop it.” 

“And when I start to binge, I can’t stop either. The first couple of bites give me the satisfaction I need, but I just carry on. Not because I want to, just because I must. I keep eating until I can’t keep it inside anymore. And then afterwards I feel so utterly shit and ashamed, I hate myself for doing it, but I don’t know how to stop it.” Again Louis felt like he was talking about someone else.

”Thank you for telling me.” Harry said softly. ”I know it’s hard for you to talk about this. But I want to help you, to be there for you, and to understand what you are going through.”

”Thank you for that. It’s so damn hard to talk about this, but I just don’t want to keep any more secrets from you.” Louis huffed out and placed the mug on the table again. ”And that’s why I’d like to tell you about Sean, too.” Louis took a tentative look at Harry only to see him stiffen a bit.

”Your ex?” He asked without looking at Louis.

”Yeah.” Louis reached out to touch Harry for the first time since they had started to talk. He held his hand and squeezed it lightly. ”I know it’s something you don’t want to hear, but to get the bigger picture, I think it’s important you know about him too. We don’t have to talk about him anymore after this.”

”Ok.” Harry responded, his tone a bit harsher than it usually is. Louis totally got him. He wasn’t a big fan of opening the ex-file either, but he knew he had to.

”We met at a party about three years ago and we were attracted to each other at first sight. He was a few years older than me and also an actor. I don’t want to go into details about that because it really doesn’t matter. At that time my self esteem was already really low and his sole attention flattered me. I was an easy target, just enough compliments and I was sold. I remember thinking the next morning that I was already in love.” Louis said thinking how stupid he had been. And so damn easy.

”I was such a fool in love and head over heels for him that I couldn’t see the warning signs. There were beautiful words, broken promises and lovely dates behind closed doors, whenever they suited him. If I suggested something, it was usually dismissed. I still didn’t see anything wrong with him or his behaviour.” How could he have been so fucking blind then, it was still something he thought of from time to time.

”It was late July when we met. His parents were living in California, near Los Angeles, but he never asked me to visit them. I never actually met his friends, but didn’t see anything weird in that either. Love is really blind sometimes. And stupid too.” Louis sighed.

”I asked him to come with me to England for Christmas, but of course, he didn’t come. I was hurt then, but now I’m just grateful, it never happened. We didn’t know it at the time, but it was my mum’s last Christmas and it would have been tainted forever if he had been there.” Louis glanced at Harry only to see him staring out of the window. Louis knew he was listening, but he was struggling badly with it.

”Then my mum got sick. It was late February when she called me and told me she had leukemia. I told Sean later that night about mum hoping to get some support from him, because I was feeling really bad. I was worried about her and my siblings, and I immediately knew I had to go home. When I told him that, he just told me if I went home, we were finished.” Louis said and if he listened carefully, he could still hear his heart break somewhere in the past. This Louis here and now, could have seen it coming. But that naïve Louis back then, he had been totally taken aback.

”He practically made me choose between him and my family. I think he seriously believed I would choose him. There would have been many situations where I would have done that, but when it came to my family, there really wasn’t any question. When I told him, he got angry. Like really angry. I think I will never forget all the insults he threw at me. Like I would never find anyone like him again. And I made a mistake when I chose my family. He was only with me out of pity. Too bad I was hot, but way too clingy to be taken seriously. There were many more, but after all, there was one that stung me badly. The last thing he said before he went out of the door was ’You really should do something about your pudgy stomach, before you get really fat.”

”If I ever see him, I’m gonna kill him.” Harry hissed. His eyes were burning and he was clenching his fists. He looked angrier than Louis had ever seen him before.

”Is that why you always wanted to keep your t-shirt on when we were in bed at the beginning?” He asked soon after with a very soft tone.

”Yeah.” Louis nodded. How Harry could always decipher the right parts without explaining had Louis dazed. ”I’m over him, definitely, but I still have his words stuck in my head. You have helped me so much, Haz. You don’t even know how much. But still, especially when I’m having a bad day, my self-esteem is just so bloody low.”

”I love every fucking inch of your body. You’re so hot and amazing. Sometimes I don’t even understand how you can even be real. He must have been crazy when he didn’t see how wonderful a person you are.” Harry’s words sounded so sincere and Louis wanted to believe them.

”Harry…” He whispered, not knowing what to say next.

”Lou, I love you. I love you so fucking much. Sorry, but I can’t hold it in anymore. Can I kiss you now, please.” Harry didn’t even wait for an answer. He pressed his lips to Louis’ and Louis let the feeling wash over him.

”I love you, too. I’m so in love with you.” Louis muttered between the kisses. They snogged for a while before Louis pulled away and cupped Harry’s face, locking their eyes.

”From the start I knew you were something special, but I was just so scared. I was ashamed of what I did to myself all the time and after what happened with Sean, I got very cautious and secretive. And before you say anything, I want to tell you I don’t compare you to him. I would never. You are everything I have ever wanted, remember that. But the experience I had with him hurt me so badly. But then I fell in love with you. Only to notice I have never truly been in love with anyone else before.”

Now it was Harry who was crying.

”And I need you, Harry. I can’t do this alone. I – I need help, too. Like professional help. I have done some research, but I haven’t been able to make the call.” Louis knew his voice was trembling but he maintained eye contact the whole time.

”I’ll help you. We can do it together. If you want me to come with you to see the doctor, I will. I’ll be there for you.” Harry said firmly before he added quietly. ”And I need you too, Lou. I knew losing someone was hard, but I never knew just how fucking hard it would be. I need you to help me through this.”

”You don’t even have to ask. Of course I will be there for you. We can do this together. It won’t be easy, but we can do it.” Louis said and planted a small kiss on Harry’s lips.

”I know. Do you know why?” Harry smiled.

”No but you’re probably gonna tell me.” Louis smiled back.

”Because love wins. We can do this because love always wins and we love each other.” Harry replied, making tears appear in Louis’ eyes again. But this time they were happy tears.

Louis kissed him. Softly at first, but soon the kisses turned into something more passionate. ”Want to go upstairs?” Louis asked between kisses and wandering hands. Harry nodded and hand in hand they climbed their way up to the bedroom.

Their sex was always amazing, but this time it felt even better than usual. There was so much passion and love as Harry slowly mapped out every inch of Louis’ body with his plump lips. Small whispered compliments and ’I love you’s’ made Louis feel beautiful. In this moment, right here and now, he truly believed Harry’s words and it made him feel so good. 

It made him feel beautiful.

Harry went agonisingly slow. His hands and tongue drove Louis crazy and reduced him to begging Harry to fuck him.

”I’m not going to fuck you, Lou. I’m going to make love to you.” Harry said when he finally pushed himself inside of Louis’ waiting warmth. 

Their sweaty bodies aligned, hot mouths pressing on each other’s while their tongues dug their way deeper and deeper, just like their bodies did. Their eyes never left each other’s, not until the white heat washed over them both and made the world explode around them. Panting breaths were followed by sweet words and a few more ’I love you’s’. Louis couldn’t get enough of those, and neither could Harry.

Later when Harry was already asleep and snoring lightly beside Louis, Blue curled up on their feet, Louis was still awake. The pale moonlight illuminating the otherwise dark room and Louis thought he had never been happier. When he looked back at his life now, he couldn’t believe how far he had come. If someone had told him on the first day of this year that he would start working again and he would find the love of his life too, he would have laughed bitterly in their face.

But here he was. Madly in love with the most beautiful man in the world.

Sweet, lovely Harry had appeared in his life years earlier and eventually, years later, captured Louis’ heart for good. It had been a surprise to both of them, for sure, how fast and deeply things had developed and it had also scared them both for a moment. But now, Louis was more sure than ever that they were meant to be. It wouldn’t be easy, they both knew that. But they would get through it.

Louis turned to kiss Harry’s forehead and brushed his fingers lightly through his messy curls. Harry snuggled himself a little closer, but he remained asleep. Louis rested his head against Harry’s chest and closed his eyes.

Just before he fell asleep, Harry’s words still circulated in his head, making him smile happily. No matter how bumpy their road would be, one thing was sure.

Love wins. Always.

And nothing else matters.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading; hope you liked my fic! Every kudos and comment is highly appreciated and each of them means so much to me.
> 
> Here is also a Tumblr [post](https://mizzhydes.tumblr.com/post/613858481432395776/when-youre-lost) you to reblog, if it is something would consider to do. 
> 
> If you have something to ask, or just want to say hi, you can always contact me.
> 
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